She Screams in Silence

The next Friday night, having claimed she needed to shut herself up in her room and write a paper, Felicity managed to sneak out for the real event––she was at last to hear Billie Joe’s band play––at Gilman’s, no less. She had dressed down for the occasion to the best of her ability, though she still looked horribly out of place. Like everywhere else, she never looked like she belonged. The only bright part of her wardrobe was there was no evidence of her mirror-related cuts anymore, except for one or two very small white marks that looked as though they might fade with some more time.

“Should I, um, go find somewhere to stand or something?” she asked Billie backstage as he took a swig from his water bottle––complimentary to all the performers. Mike was busy trying to finish replacing the strings on his bass, his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth as he intently went about tuning them. Tre was busy off bargaining with one of the other bands for the use of one of their amps, trying to bribe them with a bag of Ghiradelli chocolate squares.

“Um,” Billie glanced around uncertainly, “you could, except you should be aware you might get moshed a little.” She followed his gaze past the wings. Gilman’s was literally heaving, a mishmash of bodies and the dark interior design, mostly consisting of spray paint across the dark walls, made a bit indistinct by the faint tobacco cloud.

“Moshed?”

He grinned at her. “Why don’t you just stay back here? Best seat in the house.”

“You sure no one will mind? I won’t be in anyone’s way, will I?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he shook his head. “Just sit back and watch me rock out. Or, better yet, stand and scream of my God-given talent and brilliance.”

“I’ll, er, see what I can do.”

He smiled at her, turning and going for his guitar. He hesitated, however, spinning back around to her. “Wait. Give me your hand.”

“For what?”

“Just do it.”

She held it out to him. He seemed to do this an awful lot. And for some odd reason, she found it increasingly disconcerting when he did. She couldn’t begin to figure out what it was, why such a simple little gesture should affect her so much. After all, it didn’t mean anything.

But as their hands touched, they both got shocked. “Jesus!” Felicity cried, drawing her hand away.

Billie shook his head, “I guess I must not remember sticking my finger in an electrical socket earlier today.”

Tre walked by them, amp having been procured, tapping Billie on the shoulder with one of his drumsticks as he murmured in a strange quasi-British accent, “The electricity between the two of you is...electrifying.”

“Fuck, Tre! Don’t you have something better to do?” Billie scowled darkly at him, batting him away.

“Frankie!” Mike called to him, laughing. “Don’t bother people. It isn’t nice. Go practice your baton twirling somewhere else,” he nodded to the way Tre was holding his drumstick and currently lacking its counterpart.

Being called “Frankie,” or implying he looked like he was getting ready for the majorette audition for the marching band did not seem to suit Tre very much, for he and Mike suddenly became embroiled in a mild scuffle.

“Don’t mind him,” Billie nodded to Tre, currently headlocked in a half-nelson by Mike. “Anyway,” he held out his hand, “let’s try this again.”

Warily, Felicity complied, frowning. He took her hand, bending back her middle and ring fingers against her palm and putting her thumb on them to hold them down. “Now that’s what you do when I’m out there being amazing.”

“A strange version of the letter Y in American Sign Language?”

“Whatever you want to call it.”

“Hey, guys, you’re on right after this,” one of the Gilman’s stagehands appeared.

“Wish me luck,” Billie grinned at her, grabbing his guitar and pulling the strap over his head.

Before she could get another word out, Green Day was announced and the trio raced on stage to almost deafening applause. They apparently were quite the favorite amongst the crowd. And as they began to play, she understood why. She watched them from the wings, mesmerized, as they commanded the stage, the crowd, every single song. There was no doubt about it––Billie knew how to give a performance, and an amazing one, at that. Though she had never really listened to this sort of music before in her life, she found herself half-singing along with the parts of the chorus she was catching, staring in astonishment as the trio rocked out, Billie’s fingers working magic with the power chords. And Billie, as the lead singer, was beyond fantastic. Felicity knew almost only of highly trained prima donnas, belting out arias, but he just had raw, natural talent.

As they began winding down, Billie grabbed the microphone, “This is our last one of the night and it’s a new one. We’re Green Day and we fucking rule!”

They went into the final song as the cheers emanated off the walls. But as Billie started singing, momentarily turning in her direction to flash her a grin, Felicity froze. Was the song possibly about...no, of course not. It couldn’t be.

Juliet’s trying to find out what she wants, but she don’t know,
Experience has got her down,
Look this direction, I know it’s not perfection, it’s just me,
I want to bring you up again now,

‘Cause I’m losing what’s left of my dignity,
A small price I’ll pay to see that you’re happy,
Forget all the disappointments you have faced,
Open up your worried world and let me in,

Juliet’s crying ‘cause now she’s realizing love can be,
Filled with pain and distrust,
I know I am crazy, and a bit lazy,
But I will try to bring you up again somehow,

‘Cause I’m losing what’s left of my dignity,
A small price I’ll pay to see that you’re happy,
Forget all the disappointments you have faced,
Open up your worried world and let me in,

Juliet’s crying ‘cause now she’s realizing love can be,
Filled with pain and distrust,
I know I am crazy, and a bit lazy,
But I will try to bring you up again somehow,

‘Cause I’m losing what’s left of my dignity,
A small price I’ll pay to see that you’re happy,
Forget all the disappointments you have faced,
Open up your worried world and let me in.

Nearly decibel-shattering cheers rang out through the room as they hit the last note and then, unplugging, dashed off stage.

“Did you like it?” Billie asked her, smiling and wiping his forehead as they began loading everything up.

“It was absolutely amazing. Really. You’re just...” she shrugged your shoulders, “look, I may not know much about music outside of opera, but that was really great.”

“Well, thank you,” he grinned.

“Who’s Juliet?” she asked out of nowhere.

He smiled at her, shaking his head, “No one in particular.”

“I mean, is she...someone you know? Or is it just a song?”

“I don’t know anybody named Juliet, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“So it’s just a song, then?”

“I didn’t say that.” She looked like she was about to say something else, but Billie beat her to it, putting his arm around her shoulders, “Now what do you say about leaving and getting some food? You’ve never really experienced life––I mean, truly lived––until you’ve had a ride in the bookmobile.”

“Um, I rode in there on my way here,” she raised an eyebrow.

“All the more reason to ride in it some more!” he exclaimed illogically, steering her towards the door to the parking lot where Mike and Tre were packing up the instruments.

• • •

“So what are we doing today?” Felicity asked the next Friday, school being on holiday––a fact she had conveniently forgotten to mention to her parents.

“Nothing,” Billie smiled.

“What?”

“Nothing. We’re going to do nothing. Haven’t you ever just spent the whole day doing nothing?”

Felicity furrowed her brows, “What are you talking about? How can you just do nothing all day?”

“Easy. You don’t do anything. Mission accomplished. So...follow along, if you’d be so kind,” he began walking down the street.

Billie led the way down Bancroft, right along the university, until they reached the point where Telegraph, stretching all the way from Oakland, ended by running straight into the campus’s Sproul Plaza. Here, he turned and began walking through the university, past the student union, Sproul Hall, some small dining/student store called “The Den,” right through the arching Sather Gate.

“Why are we on the Berkeley campus?” Felicity asked.

“Ironically enough, it’s a good place to come and do nothing. If you’re not going to class, that is.”

Heading down the same little avenue, they traversed past a few more impressive looking buildings and the side of the especially prominent Doe Library, until the space suddenly opened up in a flood of sunshine. It was here they paused.

“Wow, it’s so pretty,” Felicity whispered. There was a giant sweeping green lawn in front of the enormous library, students sunning themselves along the edge and in the center a couple of guys tossing a frisbee, finding themselves to be very attractive, as they had abandoned their shirts.

“Is it just me or do tanned people look orange?” Billie leaned in and whispered, gesturing towards a group of bronzed blondes. Felicity broke out into giggles. They were rather odd colors, come to think of it. “Well, we’re not going to stay out here long enough for that. Just for a bit.” He held out his hand to her, “You coming?”

“Okay,” she nodded, putting her hand in his. She didn’t know what it was about holding his hand that gave her such an odd feeling. It was a bit like before she had to sing in front of people––butterflies, perhaps? But why should she have butterflies? That was just...ridiculous. No one had ever given her butterflies.

He turned his head and gave her a little smile.

Scratch butterflies. It was like fucking bats.

They walked along for a bit until they found an unoccupied space, a very small tree casting a bit of shade over it, as neither Billie nor Felicity were willing to say goodbye to their relatively pale complexions. Billie took a seat on the ground and as Felicity went to do the same, he stopped her, “Wait!”

“What?”

He pulled off his black hoodie, putting it on the ground and patting it, gesturing for her to sit on it. “So you don’t get grass stains or something.”

She grinned at him, taking a seat, “Thanks. That’s really sweet of you.”

Billie made a face, “Please don’t tell me I’m sweet.”

Felicity laughed. “But you are!!” she teased, leaning her head on his shoulder and batting her eyes at him.

Billie regarded her for a few moments before grinning evilly and shoving her off.

“Hey!” she shrieked, pushing him back.

“Not so sweet now, am I?” he mocked her, laughing as he dodged her blows, pushing her back as well.

“I’m going to beat your ass for that!” Felicity lunged at him.

He smirked, “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Then, he reached up and grabbed her wrists, twisting her back. Struggle though she may, Billie outweighed her and within several moments, he had her pinned to the grass, holding her arms down and straddling her. “Oo, what now?” he grinned down at her.

“You’re a bastard. Let me up.”

“No, I like this position. I think I’m going to stay like this, actually.”

Felicity suddenly took note of exactly how they were positioned and felt her face flushing. “Um, well, be that as it may, we’re out in public and this looks a little...uh...”

“Yes?”

“Well...look at us!”

Billie’s smile faded as he regarded their current situation. Neither of them were laughing. Rather, Felicity blinked, watching as his bright green eyes locked with hers. This was a very odd sensation, this strange tension-filled moment. Felicity was suddenly very aware of the sound of her breathing and the blood pounding in her ears, not able to take her gaze off of Billie’s eyes that stared down at her so seriously. What was going on? Why was her heart pounding like this? Why did he keep making her feel like this?

Suddenly, the moment passed as Billie looked away, not exactly blushing, per se, but he seemed a bit redder than usual. He let go of her arms, pulling back so she could sit up and away from him. Felicity brushed herself off and settled back on his hoodie, both of them awkwardly silent for a couple of minutes.

“So...what are we supposed to do here, anyway?” she questioned, trying to break the tension.

He grinned. “I told you. Nothing.” He yawned, stretching out and laying down on the grass, putting his hands behind his head. “We sit here and...I don’t know...contemplate life.”

“Doesn’t that get boring?” she raised an eyebrow, watching him as she put her hands behind her, resting her weight on them.

“Sure, after awhile. But it’s kind of nice, too.”

Felicity shrugged, staring off at the other people passing by or taking a leisurely few moments on the lawn as well. Eventually her hands started hurting and she took the hoodie and made a makeshift pillow with it, laying down next to Billie and staring up at the sky. There wasn’t much to look at by way of clouds, as it was startlingly clear and blue. A perfect day––not too cold or hot, just a light breeze.

“Hey,” Billie nudged her, “check out the PDA.”

Felicity turned her head to where he was indicating. A couple was lying near them, giving each other goofy lovestruck smiles, the girl with her head on the guy’s chest, except for when she sat up enough so they could engage in a sloppy kiss before going back to making goo-goo eyes at each other. “I wish people like that would get a room. That’s not sweet so much as sickening.”

“We should try it.”

“What?!”

Before Felicity could make another exclamation, Billie shifted, flopping his head on her stomach, in an odd reversed version of the couple across the way. “There, this is lovely,” he said, making himself comfortable with his new pillow.

“You wisely chose not to go a few inches higher, I see,” Felicity remarked.

“I prefer to have you not try to castrate me, thank you very much.” He turned so he was on his side, his face breaking out into a smile, “Your stomach’s growling.”

Felicity blushed uncomfortably, trying to get him to move away. “That’s...nice.”

“No, really, it is!” Billie cocked his head, listening. He smirked at her, “God, you must be hungry! That’s crazy!”

“Get off!” she tried to shove him away. “You’re embarrassing me!”

“My mission in life,” Billie waved his hand in the air, laughing.

“Seriously, off!” she tried to push his head away.

“Stop getting so bothered,” he laughed, taking her arms as he fell backwards, lying back on the grass. Felicity landed awkwardly on his side. She was about to jump right back up again, but as he seemed to be making no effort to move, laying spread-eagle like he was about to make a snow angel, she shrugged, deciding to follow his lead. His side was much more comfortable than the lawn, anyway.

“I can hear your heart beating,” she said softly after a few minutes.

“Let me know if it stops,” Billie murmured, smiling.

She smiled lightly as well, absently spreading her fingers and running them lightly back and forth across his chest.

“Hey, um, Felicity?” Billie suddenly spoke, his voice sounding a bit odd.

“Yeah?”

“Um, well, you’re sort of...that is...” he trailed off, his breath coming a little irregularly. This really didn’t make a great deal of sense. Felicity was a nice girl, and a pretty one too, but she was only his friend. He may have thrown an innuendo at her a few times, and maybe he had inconspicuously given her the once-over on several occasions, and perhaps they had just had that really bizarre moment some minutes back, but that didn’t mean anything. Because she was his friend and certainly not his type. He never went for the perfect little sheltered princess. The very idea was ridiculous. Yes, he had been spending an awful lot of time with her––to the point that it was a bit questionable, considering they were “just friends”––but that was only because he liked being around her. That didn’t mean he was going to fall for her. That was something else entirely.

So if he had convinced his mind of that, why did it suddenly seem that not all of him was agreeing to it? Was the light brush of her fingertips just creating some sort of involuntary hormonal reaction that had nothing to do with her in particular?

He cursed inwardly. Think of something else. Think...baseball. Yes, baseball was a good subject. Maybe Tre playing baseball with Jabba the Hutt, the both of them clad in the gold Princess Leia bikini.

Well, that just killed any raging hormones.

“What?” Felicity’s voice brought him back to reality, her confused gaze meeting his. It also brought back the supposedly-dead hormones.

“Nothing,” his voice cracked slightly.

“No, you were just trying to say something to me. What was it? You said I was...I don’t know. You didn’t finish.”

“Oh. I, erm, lost my train of thought,” he lied. “But, uh, maybe we should...get going? I mean, I should probably get around to practicing with Mike and Tre and it’s really getting hot out here, don’t you think?”

“Um, okay.” She stared at him like he had just gone insane.

They stood up, brushing off some grass on their pants and sleeves and walking back the way they had come.

Felicity supposed Billie had been right about spending “just a bit” out there.

The rest of the way back to the car and then to Felicity’s, conversation seemed suddenly hard to come by, with the exception of awkward remarks about the weather and traffic that no one really gave a damn about. In fact, it wasn’t until they pulled up in front of her house that Billie said anything that wasn’t just for sake of filler.

“Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you––Mike and Tre and I are going to have a party tomorrow night. You know, a real loud fuck-off, get-the-cops-called-on-us type of thing. You said you never been to a party, so I wanted to invite you...if you’re at all interested, that is.”

“Oh. Um, sure, I guess. It sounds...interesting, if nothing else.”

He smiled, “Oh, it will be. I promise you. So I’ll, uh, pick you up tomorrow around...eight?”

“All right. See you then,” she nodded, climbing out of the car. He nodded back and then sped away. As she watched his car disappear down the street, she bit down on her lip, feeling a bit mixed up. Where had that bizarre tension come from?! Billie was just her friend. She wouldn’t even think of thinking of him as anything else. So then why...? She shook her head, trying to push it out of her mind.

It certainly seemed that if the day’s goal had really been to accomplish nothing, they had failed miserably.

Maybe things would be back to normal at this party of his. Maybe.