If I Stay

"Logan, I'm hungry," Harry whined, poking my side much like he had been for the last ten minutes. I had gotten to the point where I wanted to punch him. It was obvious that he knew I wasn't sleeping anymore. I rolled onto my stomach and pulled the duvet over my head, curling myself into a ball.

"You know where the kitchen is. Go make yourself something to eat," I grumbled, letting my eyes fall shut.

"Nina's going to attack me." I wasn't too concerned with what Nina was or wasn't going to do to him. She more than likely wasn't even in the flat.

"You probably deserve it."

"That's rude I thought we'd made progress." I soon realized that I wasn't going to get any more sleep and sat up, letting the blanket fall to the tops of my legs.

"And we're quickly back tracking. I'm not a morning person." I pointed out, walking into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. I didn't know about Harry, but I definitely had reading to finish before class tomorrow, and I had every intention on annotating then hell out of the two chapters that were waiting for me.

"I can tell. Lucky for you, I am." He grinned, leaning in the doorway of the bathroom. I rolled my eyes, spitting the toothpaste into the sink. I rinsed my mouth and scrubbed my face, patting it dry with a cotton towel.

"Then please go be a morning person at your own house. That's what it's for." I tied my hair into a bun and slid my glasses onto my face, walking to my closet to pull out one of the many jumpers that I had hanging up inside.

"Such a sourpuss. How about I cook you breakfast?" Harry had only made food for me once, and though it was decent, I distinctly remembered him telling me that it was the only thing he knew how to make.

"I'd rather you not set anything on fire," I said, grabbing the book I was supposed to read for english. I grabbed a couple highlighters and a pad of sticky notes before walking out into the living room. The flat was quiet, meaning Nina was gone as I had suspected. I filled the kettle with water and turned on the burner, pulling out two mugs.

"I'm not going to set anything on fire. I think I finally mastered making pancakes." There was a sparkle in his eyes that made me question him.

"If you ruin anything, you're paying for it." I gave in and leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil and watching as he moved around my kitchen, pulling things out of the cabinet and pantry.

"I assumed that much. Have you talked to your parents?" I hadn't since that disaster of a dinner, and I felt bad. Though my mum had been a complete bitch from hell, it seemed like my dad liked him well enough. It was obvious that Landon and Lottie approved of him, though there wasn't anything to approve of.

"No."

"So your dad still doesn't know that you saw him." I'd been trying not to think about it. I wasn't sure how to go about that conversation, or if I wanted to do it at all. If he wanted me and Landon to know, he would have told us.

"No, and I don't think I'm going to say anything." I dropped two tea bags into the mugs and poured the hot water over them, grabbing two spoons from the drawer. I snatched the milk from Harry's side and poured a dash into my mug before adding sugar.

"I think you should. Not that I have a say, but you were really upset over it. I think you at least deserve the truth." I wasn't entitled to any information. My parents were just that....my parents. I was taught to respect my elders and not to stick my nose where it didn't belong. This definitely felt like a situation that I didn't need to know about.

"I think that if he wanted me to know then he would have told me. This isn't exactly a casual conversation that I can just bring up," I pointed out, blowing into my tea before taking a sip.

"Maybe hint at it and see if he tells you?" I had to remember that Harry knew next to nothing about my family. It wasn't fair to take out frustration on him.

"We've never been close. I don't talk to either of my parents simply for conversation. They ask how I'm doing in school and if I'm dating. That's about it." I'd almost forgotten that both of my parents were under the impression that Harry was my boyfriend, despite my corrections, and that was probably why neither of them had called.

"Right. So they really think we're together?" His tone changed, and he raised his eyebrows at me as he mixed the pancake ingredients in a bowl.

"I would assume so. You can thank Landon for that," I grumbled, taking another sip of my tea. I wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish, and I hadn't had a conversation with him that lasted more than a few minutes since dinner. I had no answers to any of my questions.

"He's your brother. He's only looking out for you."

"Looking out for me for what? I told you that you shouldn't have been there. It was unfair to even bring you into that situation." I still felt horrible about the things that my mother said, regardless of the fact that I'd already apologized, and it seemed as though Harry was over it. If the comments were still bothering him, he was wonderful at hiding it.

"How do you think your parents were going to react if Landon was announcing that he was engaged and you introduced me as your friend? Why would a friend be at something that important? And what if they hadn't shown up at all? What were you going to tell your parents then?" He had a point, and it wasn't something that I'd considered too much. I'd never brought a boy home, and no matter what I told them, they were probably going to assume the worst anyway. But Landon pretty much threw me under the bus, and there wasn't anything I could do about it now. As long as I didn't see my parents, I didn't have to keep up the charade.

"You're right," I sighed, pushing my fingers through my hair. The words tasted like acid on my tongue. I didn't like to be wrong, but I wasn't going to fight with him. The situation was already over.

"I'm sorry. I didn't hear you," he smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. I rolled my eyes and sipped at my tea, thankful that it cooled off enough for me to drink comfortably.

"I'm not repeating myself." I watched him make our food, pleasantly surprised that he hadn't set anything on fire. I cracked my book open, scribbling something in the margin after the first paragraph.

"So what's the plan for today?" he asked, setting a plate of pancakes covered in powered sugar in front of me. I wasn't sure how he knew I liked my pancakes without syrup, but I was thankful that the sticky sweetness was nowhere on my plate.

"I have reading to do, and then I'm going to watch Netflix until my eyes turn red." He laughed, taking the seat next to me. I was completely serious, and I was pretty sure that he knew that.

"You're going to make your eyes worse than they already are."

"I'm at a point where I don't care anymore. I'd probably be wearing glasses for the rest of my life anyway. Bad eyesight runs in my family. I just have no desire to get laser surgery like my parents and Landon did." It had been suggested to me a few times, but I couldn't be bothered with the recovery process. My eyesight wasn't bad enough for me to want to undergo surgery.

"Well, as beautiful as you are, I'm not going to watch you read all day." I tried to ignore his comment, but there was a small fluttering going on in my stomach that I didn't appreciate. I tried to mask my expression by stuffing food in my mouth, hoping he didn't notice how tense my shoulders had gotten.

"Wonderful. I need some time away from you." It was truth, but we were on completely different pages, something I was grateful for.

"You know you're going to miss me." A mischievous grin crossed his face, and I resisted the urge to send my eyes to the heavens.

"Actually, I'm sick of looking at your face," I retorted, stuffing more pancakes into my mouth. It was a lie, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I enjoyed his company. We were closer than I was used to being with people, and I still wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea. It was becoming apparent that I was slightly dependent on his presence, and I didn't like that. I never wanted to be dependent on anyone, let alone a playboy, regardless of the fact that he seemed to have a soft spot for me.

"Lies you tell, but it's okay. I'll just be waiting for you to call me so I can say I told you so." His smirk was annoying, and I stabbed at my plate, finishing off the last of my breakfast. I took my dishes to the sink, filling it with hot water and soap, "I was going to take care of that," he muttered through a mouth full of food.

"And now you don't have to. The sooner you're out of my flat, the better." I scrubbed the dishes that were close by, setting them in the rack to dry.

"Just admit that I'm growing on you. I can see it in your face." He poked at my cheeks, and I smacked his hands away, trying my hardest not to smile. We'd gotten past the point where he was growing on me. I did like having him around, but I didn't want to inflate his ego. His head was big enough as it was.

"You're a very trying human being." I finished off the last of the dishes and drained the water, drying my hands on the dish rag.

"So I've been told." He leaned against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but no words came out as he pulled at his bottom lip with his forefinger and thumb.

"You okay?" I asked, raising my eyebrows at him. His gaze focused on me, and for a long moment, we only stared at each other. When he finally opened his mouth to talk, the front door opened and shut.

"Logan, are you home?" Nina's voice got closer, and she stepped into the kitchen, stopping when she saw Harry standing across from me. I knew it was time to have the dreaded conversation, but I was more curious about what Harry had to say, and she was ruining it, "I'll take that as a yes. Hi Harry," she said politely, though I knew he was the last person that she wanted to see.

"Hey, Nina. I'm gonna go Logan. If I don't hear from you within the next 15 hours, I'm going to assume you died, and I will break the door down." He kissed the top of my head and managed to dodge my swinging arms as he walked out of the flat laughing. I scowled at the door, cursing the day I decided that I was going to be his friend.

"He likes you." It wasn't a question, and I'd gotten used to hearing it.

"I know," I sighed, grabbing my books from the counter and throwing myself onto the couch. I was going to be distracted, which was the last thing I needed. The term seemed to be dragging on, and I was ready for a break.

"Do you like him?" I couldn't answer that question because I wasn't sure. A part of me felt like maybe I did like him, but I knew better than to get involved.

"I don't know." It was the best answer I could give without going into depth about everything. I didn't want to have a long conversation, and I didn't want to tell her that I'd taken Harry to meet my parents when I barely even spoke about them around her. She was bound to get offended, and it was never my intention to hurt her feelings.

"Well you guys seem pretty close."

"We are. He's just helping me through something." I could tell by the crestfallen expression in her eyes that she was upset.

"You didn't think I'd be able to help you?" This situation was yet another reason I didn't like to get close to people. There were too many expectations that came with friendships, and I never met them. I always did something wrong because I was more concerned with myself and how something would affect my life rather than someone else's feelings. It was easier to be selfish than to constantly disappoint people.

"It's not that. He was just with me when the situation happened. It was easier just having someone that already knew. It's not something I like to talk about. He's just helping me forget about it." The more I talked, the worse it sounded. I was a shitty friend, and I didn't know how long it was going to take before she wasn't mad at me anymore.

"So you don't trust me?" I wanted to cry out of frustration, but I just leaned my head into my hands.

"It's not that I don't trust you. I just don't want to talk about it, and I don't have to with Harry. You try to force me into a conversation, exactly like you're doing now." It was an issue I never really had with Nina before. She respected my boundaries majority of the time, but I felt like she thought she was in competition with Harry, and that wasn't the case. No one had to fight for my attention, and I didn't want anyone to feel like that's what was going on.

"Well I wasn't aware that you didn't want to talk to me." I bit my lip to keep from screaming. I wasn't going to be able to deal with this all day. I was going to see Harry a lot sooner than either of us were expecting. He was the only person I knew that wouldn't try to talk my ear off.

"It's not that. Look, can we talk about this later? I really need to study."

"Yeah sure." She walked away, and I heard her door slam. We might have been in separate parts of the flat, but I could still feel the tension, and there was no way I was going to get anything done. I walked into my room, texting Harry that I was on my way to his house before I switched out my shorts for a pair of joggers. I slipped my feet into my shoes and grabbed a bag, shoving my things inside. I stepped outside and walked down the street, wrapping my arms around myself to help with the chill that was blowing through my jumper. Harry had the door open before I even got to the steps, a wide smile on his face.

"Couldn't even last an hour without me." His grin widened as I stepped inside, and he shut the door behind me.

"Nina was giving me shit, and I need to study, so please, do me a huge favor. Don't make any smart comments, make me some tea, and for the love of GOD, keep your hands to yourself." I smacked his arm for his abrupt public display of affection watching as he winced.

"I should have seen that coming. Go sit down. I'll make your tea." I flopped down onto the couch, resting my head against the back and closing my eyes. I didn't know how I was going to deal with Nina. I felt like I should have told her everything that was going on, but it wasn't her business to know. I didn't have to share my life, and I shouldn't have to feel bad for keeping certain things to myself.

"I don't have friends for a reason," I mumbled more to myself than anything, but the couch sank in next to me, and I could smell the tea.

"And why do you think that is?" Harry's voice caused me to open my eyes, and I grabbed the mug from him, giving a grateful nod.

"Because having friends comes with expectations. You always have to please someone, and I'm honestly too selfish to worry about someone else's feelings constantly." I sounded like a bitch, but I didn't know how else to word it.

"I actually think you're the opposite of selfish." I raised my eyebrows in confusion. I'd always thought of myself as selfish, and I never really had a problem with it.

"How?"

"Well, for one, you agreed to be Lottie's maid of honor, and you barely know her. Do you know how much work goes into being a maid of honor? That's a pretty selfless act if you ask me." He was right, but I still didn't feel like that made me any less selfish. It was only one example, and Lottie was going to be my sister in law. She said herself that she didn't have a lot of female friends. It was literally the least I could do considering that the wedding was going to be small.

"Okay, but that's it."

"Not really. You didn't call your father out at the dinner table even though you could have and probably should have. You stuck up for me when your mother was being a heinous bitch, and you really didn't have to do that. You did warn me, and don't you dare apologize for that." He said it before I could even open my mouth, but I was going to apologize again. He knew me too well.

"I still don't understand how that doesn't make me selfish."

"Do you always think so negatively of yourself?" He turned his body to face me, and I took a small sip of my tea as I mulled over his words.

"I didn't know I was being negative really. I've just always been more concerned with myself. It's why I don't talk to people."

"The way I see it, you think about the people around you before everything else. You always worry about how Nina is going to react to the things you say. You thought about how Niall was going to treat her before you left the night we met. You thought about how I was going to feel prior to inviting me to parents house. You consider other people's feelings a lot more than you think." I'd never thought of it that way because everything somewhat benefitted me. With Nina, the less she knew the better in my opinion. With Niall, if he didn't hurt Nina, I didn't have to play devil's advocate and castrate him. With Harry.....well that was solely for his feelings. I knew how nasty my parents could be.

"I guess." There wasn't much else I could say. I had a feeling he was going to have a response for everything I threw at him.

"You're a bit of a cynic, you know that?" It wasn't the first time I'd heard it, but it hurt all the same.

"Yes, but I try not to think about that too much. You're just entirely too observant." And he was. Harry noticed a lot of things about me that no one else bothered to figure out, not that I minded too much. Invisibility was almost like a super power for me, and I enjoyed going unnoticed, but that never happened around Harry.

"Only around you." An awkward silence settled over us, and I took another sip of my tea, trying to decide where I was going to take the conversation.

"I'm not going to get to study, am I?" It was a long shot. I had too much on my mind now. It seemed like I was going to end up pulling an all nighter.

"Probably not. Friends?"

"Friends."