If I Stay

"You look like you're going to pee yourself," Harry said, dropping down onto my bed. I resisted the urge to glare at him as I tossed another pair of pants to the side. My parents were having a dinner party, and it was entirely too cold to wear a dress. I was tempted to just pull on a pair of jeans, but my mother would have a conniption is she knew that I was even considering it.

"Don't be an arse. Help me find something to wear please," I whined, grabbing the nicest top that I could find. I almost never whined. I never had a reason because I never had anyone to whine to. Harry was slowly changing me into a person I never really thought I'd be.

"It's a dinner party. I'm sure your parents will be happy about you showing up at all." I rolled my eyes, finally settling on a pair of pants and heels to match.

"I would say you've never met my parents, but that would be a lie. You've met them. You know what kind of person my mother is. You caught my dad on a good day. You don't know what I'm walking into." I absolutely loathed my parents dinner parties. They consisted of a bunch of people that they worked with. They all talked nothing but business for hours, and how they never got sick of each other that I didn't understand. I got asked which company I would be joining for an internship, what my major was at school. The women would ask if I was dating anyone, like my personal life actually meant something to them.

"I could go with you. Take the edge off." I shook my head immediately. Tonight wasn't something that I wanted to subject him to. Dinner with just my parents was bad enough.

"If you thought the last time was bad, I guarantee you'll never want to see me again after tonight." I walked into my bathroom and switched on the shower, tying my hair up in a bun.

"You don't have any faith in me."

"You'll run for the hills, trust me." I closed the door so that he couldn't see me getting undressed, only to realize that I'd left my underwear and clothes.

"The only person running away is you." I froze for half a second before I grabbed my things and shut myself inside the bathroom. I stripped quickly, stepping under the hot spray of water, trying to ignore his words. He hadn't overstepped any physical boundaries, but lately he'd been dropping hints, and it was starting to worry me. I prolonged my shower as long as I could, trying my best to avoid the conversation I knew was coming. I still hadn't figured myself out yet, and it wasn't fair to have the conversation when I wasn't sure what I wanted or how I was feeling.

"Are you going to stay here while I'm gone?" I asked, pulling the ponytail holder out of my hair. I walked over to my vanity and grabbed my curling iron, switching it on. I made quick work of my face, putting on a BB cream and mascara.

"Probably not. Nina still wants to off me."

"What happened with the two of you?" I'd heard her side of the story, but I never bothered to ask him. I didn't think it was appropriate or necessary, but things were bad on all sides. Nina was barely speaking to me. Harry spent more time in my apartment than the house he lived in with the boys, and as a result, I felt like I'd lost a friend.

"She told you?" He didn't look bothered, just curious.

"I sort of called her on it. I just didn't understand why she didn't want me around you, so I asked. And she wasn't happy about it." He sighed, leaning back against my pillows and running his fingers through his hair.

"She wanted to date me."

"And that wasn't something you were into?" It seemed like a stupid question. I'd known from the beginning that he wasn't boyfriend material. Anyone that looked at him could see that.

"I let all girls know beforehand. She wasn't an exception. She just thought she was." It sounded rude, but I couldn't be upset with him for being honest.

"Do you think she was right to warn me?" I asked, curling a section of my hair.

"Yes."

"So why are you sitting in my room?"

"I think we both know the answer to that question." He gave me an obvious look, and I tried to avoid his gaze, burning my finger in the process.

"Shit," I muttered, sticking my fingertip in my mouth.

"Are you alright?" He was at my side in a second, pulling my hand away from my face to examine my fingers.

"I'm fine." I snatched my hand back, focusing on everything but his face, "Am I allowed to ask why you don't date?" I'd always wondered if there was some story behind the madness, if there was some girl that broke his heart.

"It's a waste of time." It wasn't a surprising answer, but I expected something a little more complex.

"What makes you say that?"

"You spend months getting to know a person. You learn their good habits and their bad habits. You get attached, and then they leave. So what's the point?" Whatever he wasn't telling me must have hurt him pretty bad. His eyebrows furrowed together as he tugged at his bottom lip, something he only did when he was nervous or deep in thought.

"And you called me cynical." He smiled at me, shaking his head as he mumbled something to himself.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" There was no way I was bringing him around my mother again, especially not tonight. She'd have my head.

"Yeah, I'm sure, but if I call you in tears, you have to take me out for ice cream." I was hoping I'd be able to escape early. My parents' dinner parties could last for hours, and I didn't want to be bothered with the mindless conversation that came along with the drunk people spread throughout the house.

"Deal." I finished my hair and slipped my feet into my heels, spritzing myself with some perfume.

"How do I look?" I asked, spinning around in a slow circle.

"Beautiful." There was a short moment when neither of us moved, but I was the first to break the growing uncomfortable silence.

"Walk me out?" He nodded and pushed himself up, ushering me out of the room. Nina and Niall were on the couch, looking every bit like the in love couple that they were. I missed being on speaking terms with Nina, but I had no idea how to fix what I'd unintentionally broken.

"You two finally going on a date?" Niall asked, a wide smirk spreading across his face. I tried to hide the blush that was forming on my cheeks by putting my head down.

"No. I'm going to see my parents. I'll be back later. Do you guys need anything while I'm out?"

"Rubbers," Niall said cheekily. I fought the urge to gag and nodded before walking outside and to my car.

"I'll see you when I get back?" I looked up at Harry, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

"Yeah." He leaned forward, placing his hand on my shoulder and pressing a kiss to my forehead. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the erratic beating of my heart.

"Harry," I mumbled, not in the mood to hit him. I was going soft, and he was taking advantage of it.

"I know. I'm sorry. Keeping my hands to myself." He took two steps away and put his hands behind his back, smiling like a kid with his hand caught in a cookie jar. I rolled my eyes and slid into the driver's seat of my car, waving at him as I pulled off. Landon hadn't decided if he was going to show up tonight, but I hoped he would so I had at least some form of entertainment. Maybe he'd bring Lottie, and I wouldn't feel so alone. I pulled into my parents driveway, glancing at all the cars that were parked on the street. The drivers were all huddled together, smoking or talking quietly. I walked up to the front door, pushing it open. I was greeted with the sound of music and chatter, immediately spotting my parents in the foyer.

"Hello mum, dad." I kissed them both on the cheek, keeping up the appearance that I was a good little child that loved her parents more than anything else in the world.

"Logan, darling. I wasn't sure you'd come. She's been so busy with school work." My mother gave me a beaming smile, something I knew was fake as she wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I glanced at my father, who looked disgusted, but smiled when he saw me staring at him. I knew I was going to have to talk to him about what I saw eventually, but tonight was not the the night.

"Where's that boyfriend of yours, Logan?" My eyes widened, and I gulped as I looked up at my mother. She looked furious, and I knew there was going to be an argument as soon as everyone left the house.

"He's been visiting his family in Cheshire. He'll be home later on." I said the first lie that popped into my head, hoping it was believable.

"You must bring him around more. Sweet lad, really."

"I will." I'd given up trying to correct them. Landon ruined any hope of them thinking Harry was only a friend. I looked around for someone that I recognized, and part of me hoped I'd see Zayn. I knew it wasn't likely though. His parents weren't like mine. He wasn't forced to attend these events. I excused myself to use the loo, desperate to get away from my mother's burning gaze. The washroom downstairs was locked, and I moved to go to the one in my room, but the door opened.

"I'm sorry. It's all yours." A female voice made me turn around, and my mouth almost dropped at who I saw. It was the woman I saw with my dad. I froze, not knowing whether to say something or just keep my mouth shut all together. Eventually, my curiosity beat out my desire to be silent.

"I've seen you before." Her brows furrowed as she stared at me. I was thankful that this hallway was secluded because this conversation wasn't for anyone's ears.

"I'm sorry. I don't think we've met before."

"We haven't, but I saw you with my dad a few weeks ago. I'm Logan." Her eyes widened, and she looked terrified. It wasn't my intention to scare her. I was confused about everything, but the last thing I was going to do was tell my mother anything. I hadn't even talked to my dad yet.

"Y-you're mistaken," she stuttered, taking a couple steps away from me.

"No no no. I'm not here to cause trouble. I don't condone infidelity, but I've been alive for 21 years, and I don't think I've ever seen him smile like he did when I saw him with you. So whatever you're doing, I guess keep doing it? I know it's really weird, and this totally isn't my business. Your secret is safe with me. Actually, I haven't told my dad that I know yet, so uhm.....just keep this conversation to yourself please." I was rambling, and I was positive that I looked just as nervous as she did. We stood there in silence, staring at each other for a long moment.

"I will, and thank you. I promise, I'll take care of him. He's a good man." I never thought either of my parents weren't good people. Just cold with a bit of a superiority complex.

"I know." I stepped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, leaning against the wood. My parents had to be getting a divorce soon. There was noway they were going to stay married with what was going on. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Harry's number. I was grateful that he picked up after 2 rings.

"You've literally been there 20 minutes, Lo. It can't be that bad." I smiled at the nickname he'd given me, moving to lean against the counter.

"I saw her."

"Who?"

"The woman that my dad was with. She's here." When I said it out loud, I realized how weird it sounded. My father's mistress was at a dinner party, and my mother was only a few feet away from her the entire time.

"That doesn't sound right."

"I know. I just thought about that. She must work for him." It would explain at least a little bit of the story.

"Did you speak to her?"

"Briefly. I kind of told her I knew about my dad. She freaked out."

"I would have too. She probably didn't even know who you were, and you told her that you knew she was sleeping with your dad. I would have ran away if I was her." I rolled my eyes, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub.

"We came to an understanding. She loves him." Harry was silent for a long moment, and I thought he'd hung up.

"You're okay with it?" His voice had dropped so it was barely above a whisper, and I wondered what was bothering him.

"No. There's no way to be okay with it, but she makes him happy, and you've met my mother. She's not the easiest person to be around." I felt crappy for saying it, but after the way she treated Harry, she needed a taste of her own medicine.

"How long have your parents been married?"

"Too long apparently. They got married before Landon was born." I knew one of my parents was going to come looking for me soon, but I'd rather stay in the loo talking to Harry than outside entertaining a bunch of people that I really didn't care for.

"And they're willing to just throw all that time away?"

"I don't really think it was much of a marriage to begin with." If I was being honest, my parents never showed affection to each other. Kisses on the cheek were standard when we had company, but nothing ever past that. Half of me felt like they only had sex to procreate.

"Do you want me to come get you?" I'd like nothing more, but I knew how my parents would react, and I wasn't in the mood for a lecture about how ungrateful I was.

"You don't have to. I drove, remember? And like you said, I've only been here twenty minutes. I'm hiding out in the bathroom. Someone is bound to come looking for me." I sighed, pushing my fingers through my hair. As if my words were a signal, someone knocked on the door.

"Logan?" I recognized Zayn's voice on the other side, and I let out a small breath of relief. Why he was here, I didn't know, but I wasn't going to complain.

"Harry, I've got to go. I'll text you when I'm on my way home." I stood, smoothing down my pants and straightening my shirt.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything."

"Pizza," I pleaded, knowing I was going to be starving once I got back to the flat.

"Okay. I'll see you in a bit." I hung up and checked myself in the mirror before opening the door. Zayn looked attractive, as always. He'd let his facial hair grow out a bit, something I actually liked seeing on him. It made him look older.

"Hey," I gave him a hesitant smile. I wasn't sure if he was still mad at me. We hadn't talked since he kicked me out of his apartment. I'd already lost one friend. I didn't want to lose another.

"Are you okay? Your mum said your were in there for a while."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just had to make a phone call." He opened his mouth, probably to ask who I was talking to, but it seemed to click and a frown formed on his face.

"Right. Your parents told me you and Harry were dating." I cursed, shaking my head.

"We're not. Landon just said that, and of course they believed him." I tried not to roll my eyes. It was obvious that Zayn was upset, and I didn't want to make it worse.

"Are you sure?" I didn't have to explain myself to him, but I felt like I should. He'd known me the longest, and it was only fair to him.

"Yes, I'm sure, but are we okay?" He didn't say anything. He just stared down at my like I was a mystery that he needed to solve. I raised my eyebrows at him, shifting my weight from foot to foot.

"We should go talk upstairs." I nodded once, slipping past him to make my way to my childhood bedroom. It looked exactly as I'd left it, the walls bare, the bed perfectly made up. My bookshelf full of novels that I'd read over the years. It was all very impersonal, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say it was all for decoration. I heard the door close, and I turned to look at Zayn.

"What did you want to talk about?" He stuffed his hands in his pockets, something Harry did often, and I cursed myself for comparing the two of them.

"You're joking, right?" I furrowed my brows in confusion. What was there to joke about?

"I'm not sure I'm following."

"You have to know by now, Logan." I shook my head, sitting down on the duvet. I pulled one of my pillows into my lap, poking at the cloud-like cloth.

"Well, I don't."

"After all these years, you still don't get it?" He walked over and stood in front of me. I opened my mouth to say something, but it was like a lightbulb went off in my head; all the time we spent together as kids, the fact that he got mad about me and Harry when there really wasn't anything to get mad at, kicking me out of his apartment. It all made sense now.

"Zayn." I didn't know what else to say. The thought of him having feelings for me never crossed my mind until now, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it.

"I'd like to try something." He leaned down, putting one hand on the side of my neck. I knew what was coming, but instead of running like my body was telling me to, I let him kiss me. I closed my eyes, trying to breathe as his warm lips pressed against mine. His hand slid to the back of my neck, and his fingers slipped into my hair, tilting my head back. I ran my fingers down his cheek, feeling the stubble that was there. When he pulled away, I took a deep breath, refusing to open my eyes. I wasn't ready for what I knew I was going to see, "Logan." I held my hand up.

"Just give me a minute," I mumbled. My mind was in a million different places, and my first thought was what Harry was going to think when I told him. Would he be mad? Would he care? In my heart, I knew the answer, so I needed to keep this to myself. I opened my eyes, staring up at someone I never expected to be so close to.

"Say something."

"Why me?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. He moved, taking a seat next to me.

"It's always been you, Logan." I found that hard to believe, but I didn't question him. We needed to get back downstairs before somebody came looking for us. This wasn't a situation I wanted to explain.

"We should probably get back to the party," I said, pushing myself into a standing position.

"But-" I cut him off, knowing that we were going to have a conversation eventually.

"I promise we can talk about this later, but either of our parents catching us in my room isn't ideal right now." I held my hand out for him to grab, pulling him so that he was standing up. He pressed his lips to my fingers, and I felt my cheeks flame, "Come on," I muttered, realizing that I was in for a world of trouble.