If I Stay

I was in hell.....absolute hell. Exams were right around the corner, and I was trying my best not to keel over and die. After my conversation with Harry, I thought I'd have one less thing to worry about. I thought my life would be easier, but I was wrong. I wanted to rip my hair out. I found myself missing him horrendously. I missed his laugh and his crude comments. I missed the way his eyes lit up when he thought of a horrible joke that he swore would make me laugh. He always did, but only because I'd never met a person who was worse at telling jokes. I missed the sense of calm that came with his presence. I just missed him.

"Okay. Seriously, get off your arse. No more moping. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't even suggest it, but this is not normal. You need to go see Harry." I was the last person he'd want on his doorstep. Our argument was bad enough, but I hadn't even tried to contact him. What kind of friend was I?

"I'm fine." I didn't know if I was trying to convince her or myself. I was the furthest thing from fine, but I was trying not to dwell on it.

"You're not fine. You've literally been doing nothing but revisions. You don't even remember to eat! I think I've seen you eat one bowl of cereal and two strawberries in the last three days. That's not healthy." She made herself comfortable at the end of my bed like she always did when she was about to lecture me. Nina was the big sister I never wanted.

"I'm just trying to keep my grades up," I mumbled, pushing my laptop off of my legs.

"Bullshit. You're a genius. You're just avoiding the situation at hand." She wasn't wrong. I was trying to avoid everything and everyone. I hadn't spoken to Zayn yet either. I was using my coursework as an excuse.

"Well, even if I did want to see Harry, he doesn't want to see me." I wouldn't blame him if he never spoke to me again, though I hoped that wasn't the case. I was hoping that we'd be able to move past this bump in the road and just pick up where we left off.

"Harry wants to see you. Don't let him make you think otherwise. He's been absolutely horrible since he left here. Always grumpy and shit. So you two arseholes need to make up. And if I have to lock the both of you in a room together, I will not hesitate to do so." I knew she was completely serious, which is what scared me. She went from hating the idea of Harry and I even spending time together to telling me that I needed to go make up with him.

"Nina, you don't understand. I think he was going to tell me that he loved me." I felt horrible. It hadn't been a full declaration, but it was enough to make me uncomfortable. It was enough to make me realize that I really hurt his feelings without even trying, and it was killing me.

"Of course he was going to tell you that he loves you. I knew that already. Hell, any idiot with two eyes and a brain could see that. But he knew what he was getting himself into. You warned him. I warned him. Even Niall warned him. It's not your fault he fell in love with you." I didn't think it was anyone's fault. If I learned anything over the past few months, it was that you couldn't help who you fell in love with. Fate had its own way of making things happen.

"I just wish I'd payed more attention to it. Maybe there was something I could have done different. Maybe not spend as much time with him..." I trailed off, running my fingers through my hair.

"There was nothing you could have done. Honestly, you had him that first night at the party." I was trying not to think about it because the more I did, the more my chest hurt, and the more I wanted to go see him, "So do I need to lock you in a room, or are you going to go on your own?" I sat there for a long moment, contemplating on what exactly I wanted to do. I didn't know what I was going to say if he actually agreed to talk to me. I was just going to have to wing it.

"If he kicks me out of the house, I'm punching you in your ovaries." She clapped her hands wildly as I pulled on a jumper and my shoes. I walked out into the living room, determined to get my friend back no matter what it took. I swung the door open, only to find Zayn standing there with his hand raised like he was about to knock, "Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah," I stepped to the side, but I didn't shut the door. I was hoping this conversation wouldn't be a long one. I was starting to get antsy, "What's going on?"

"I tried to call, but you didn't answer your phone. I wanted to see if you wanted to have lunch?" He had impeccable timing. I sighed, deciding not to lie to him.

"I would, but I was heading out to see Harry." I watched his eyes darken in irritation, and he immediately stood up from the couch. I was hoping this wouldn't turn into a screaming match. I'd had enough of that to last me for the rest of the year.

"Right. So you've made your choice then?" He asked, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Yes, but it's not what you're thinking." I wondered how I managed to get myself in this position. I went from having one friend to being stuck in the middle of two guys. I couldn't fathom how it was happening to me. I never wanted it. I never asked for it.

"So what is it then?" He was starting to get angry, and I didn't know what I could say to calm him down. This was going to go left either way.

"Listen here, lover boy. Harry and Logan had it out because she chose you, so cut the attitude. He's her best friend. I might not agree with their situation, but the two of them are miserable without each other. So cut her some fucking slack. She's not going to cheat on you." Nina came to my rescue, and I gave her a grateful look before turning back to Zayn. I watched his expression shift. He didn't seem angry anymore, but he certainly wasn't happy.

"He's in love with you, Logan."

"I know, but it's not like he's going to force me into dating him. I just want to try to salvage our friendship. Please try to understand." I reached for his hand, locking our fingers together. We were in a stare off, and eventually his shoulders sagged in defeat.

"Fine, but if he tries anything— "

"He won't. I'll be back soon, and we can do lunch or dinner. Whatever you want. I promise." I pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before I ran out the front door. When I found myself in front of Harry's house, my confidence quickly flew out the window. I stood on the porch, trying to decide if I even wanted to knock. What if I was right and he didn't want to see me? What if he shut the door in my face? There were so many things that could go wrong. I took a deep breath before I knocked three times. I bounced on the balls of my feet as I waited. Maybe he wasn't home. I knocked once more, and after waiting a little longer, I turned to go back home.

"Logan?" His voice was rough, like he'd just woken up. I was afraid to turn around, but I had to do this at some point. I was shocked to see him in just a pair of joggers. His hair was a mess, and he looked like he hadn't gotten much sleep, but he was still beautiful.

"Hey. Uhm...can we talk?" I tugged nervously at the ends of my hair, hoping he wasn't too upset with me. He moved to the side and shut the door behind me. I walked over to the love seat, sitting in my normal corner. I pulled my shoes off and crossed my legs underneath me. Harry wasn't in the room, and I could hear the sound of dishes being moved in the kitchen which meant that he was making tea. I pulled at a loose thread on my pants and gnawed on my bottom lip. I didn't know where this conversation was going to go, but I couldn't only hope the outcome was better than last time.

"Here you go." He held out a steaming mug, and I carefully grabbed the handle and set it on the coffee table.

"Thank you." I didn't want to hold it. I'd sip at it simply because I was nervous, and I really didn't feel like burning my tongue.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to apologize, for everything. I didn't mean for this to happen. I've never been in a situation like this, and I don't know how to handle it, but I'm trying. You're my best friend, Harry. I don't want to lose you." He stayed quiet and just stared at me. I started to squirm from the intensity in his eyes. The silence was uncomfortable, and it wasn't making me feel any better. Him not saying anything at all was just as bad as him screaming at me. I didn't like either option. He opened his mouth and closed it four times before he actually said anything.

"I can't just be your friend, Logan." My heart dropped into my stomach, and I wanted to cry out of pure frustration. This was one of those rare moments where I wished I could go back to being a child, when life was simple.

"We can try."

"No, we can't. It was hard enough with the way things were before. Do you know how difficult it was not to touch you the way I wanted? To not be able to kiss you whenever I wanted? It sucked, Logan. It really fucking sucked. And I'm not going to standby and watch you date someone else when I know that you should be with me. You're taking the easy way out. You're playing it safe because you're afraid. Well, guess what, so am I. You think I like feeling this way? You think I enjoy knowing that you're the only person in the world that can hurt me? I don't. I don't like feeling powerless, and that's how I feel when it comes to you. God, and you don't even have to try. You just laugh or flip your hair or do something stupid, and I lose fucking my mind. So no, Logan. We can't be friends." His words hit me like a freight train, and I was stunned. I had no comeback for that. This was the second time he opened up, and just like the first, my chest ached because he was right. I was afraid, but I felt like I had every right to be. He was Harry. He was the boy parents always warn their daughters about, and yet he wasn't at the same time. He had his moments where he was a complete tosser, but he had a heart of gold. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. My tea was probably cold at this point, but I grabbed the mug anyway and took a long sip. I fiddled with the ceramic, trying to think of something, anything to say that would make this better, but it was obvious. There wasn't anything I could do.

"Harry?" My eyes snapped over to the stairs where a leggy brunette stood only in his t-shirt. Something hot settled in my stomach, and I knew it was time for me to leave. I slipped my feet back into my shoes and pushed myself into a standing position. I was halfway to the front door when I felt his fingers wrap around my hand. I risked a glance at him, and the heat in my stomach got worse. His eyes were apologetic and remorseful, but he had nothing to be sorry for.

"Are you going to introduce us?" The girl was downstairs now. She didn't look shocked to see me, but she definitely wasn't ecstatic about me being there.

"No, I'm not. Go back upstairs, Saige." She rolled her eyes and turned to go back to his room. I pulled my hand out of his and made my way towards the door.

"No, it's fine. I was just leaving." He grabbed my hand again, preventing me from going outside.

"Logan— " I squeezed his fingers and shook my head, giving him a sad smile.

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. You're seriously going to walk out right now?" I couldn't look him in the eyes. His expression was going to make me break, and I needed to go.

"I think we both know I don't have a choice. Besides, it looks like your hands are full right now. I really am sorry though." I couldn't resist wrapping my arms around him. It wasn't the smartest decision, but I wanted to hug him one last time. I laid my head on his bare chest, listening to his heartbeat for a few moments. His arms slowly snaked around my waist, and I felt his lips on top of my head. It was beginning to become unbearable, so I pulled back and pressed a light kiss to his jaw, the only place I could reach without standing on the tips of my toes. I turned without another word and stepped outside. I walked home as slowly as I could, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. It was over.