If I Stay

"How did it go?" Nina looked excited when I stepped back into the flat, but her expression quickly changed when she realized that I wasn't smiling.

"It didn't."

"Shit. What happened?" She rushed to my side and helped me to the couch like I was getting ready to pass out, and it felt like I might have within the next few seconds.

"I said I was sorry. It felt appropriate considering it was never my intention to enter a relationship with him in the first place. I told him that I still wanted to be friends, and then he gave me a speech." I sighed, throwing my head against the back of the couch, tears still threatening to leak from the corners of my eyes. I was trying my best not to cry. I didn't have a reason to, but I oddly felt like I'd just gone through a horrible break up.

"He gave you a speech?"

"Well, first he told me that we couldn't be friends. The speech was to explain why." It all sounded like a romance film gone wrong. Had I actually agreed to be his girlfriend, we'd be something straight out of a Nicholas Sparks book.

"So what did he say?"

"You want what he said word for word? Or the short version?"

"Short version. Harry's long winded." That he was. I never knew one person could talk so much until I'd met Harry. It seemed like he never shut up majority of the time, but I enjoyed it because it gave me a chance to be silent. He did most of the talking when he was around which meant that I didn't have to.

"He's in love with me." Her eyes narrowed into slits as she stared at me, but I couldn't tell if she was upset or not.

"Okay, give me word for word because we already established that you're the Anastasia Steele to his Christian Grey." I raised my eyebrows at her comparison, slowly shaking my head.

"Uhm...he's never hit me.....or tied me up." She rolled her eyes and scooted closer to me like I was getting ready to give her the gossip of a lifetime.

"That's so not where I was going with that. Christian was like obsessed with Ana. Please tell me you've read that book."

"No, I haven't, and I don't plan on reading it."

"I'll try to convince you later. Now, word for word please." I took a deep breath and rubbed my temples. I wasn't mentally prepared to rehash everything that happened less than twenty minutes ago, but Nina wasn't giving me much of a choice.

"We can't be friends because it was too hard around the first time. It was hard for him not to be able to touch me or to kiss me whenever he wanted. He hates that I'm the only person that can hurt him, and he thinks I'm playing it safe by being with Zayn. He basically called me a coward and said that it wasn't fair because yeah, I'm scared, but so is he." One lone tear slid down my cheek, but I was quick to wipe it away. I wasn't going to cry. Not now at least. Maybe in the privacy of my bedroom once I knew I was alone, but not now.

"Well he's not wrong."

"Come on, Nina," I whined, running my fingers through my hair, "You're supposed to be on my side."

"I'm always on your side, Logan. No matter who you pick, no matter what you decide to do, I'm always going to be on your side. But I'm going to agree with Harry on this one. Shit, never thought those words would leave my mouth. Anyway, he is right. You are playing it safe with Zayn. Do you honestly think you'll be happy without Harry in your life?" Happy? Absolutely not. I wouldn't go completely crazy, but my world wouldn't be filled with rainbows and butterflies either. Zayn had been gone for a few years, and a sad thought had never crossed my mind, but the thought of not having Harry around hurt more than I cared to admit.

"No."

"I think that should tell you something." She rubbed the top of my back, giving me a sympathetic look. I just wanted to curl myself into a ball and sleep until all of this was over.

"This is bullshit," I grumbled, resting my head on my knees.

"I know, love, but it's life." The front door swung open, and I sat up straight, hoping it was Harry coming to tell me that he'd changed his mind, but it was Zayn holding a bag of what smelled like Chinese takeaway and a handful of DVDs. I tried to stop my shoulders from sagging in disappointment, but Nina nudging me let me know that I failed.

"I figured you wouldn't want to go out, so I got your favourites, and I brought over all eight Harry Potter movies." Tears sprang to my eyes because there was no way in hell I deserved Zayn. Not with the way I was currently feeling. I forced a smile onto my face and pushed myself from the couch, ignoring the look I knew Nina was giving me.

"Thank you." I pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, dragging him into my room. I shut the door behind us and threw myself onto my bed, burrowing under the blankets.

"What do you want to drink?"

"Iced tea is fine." He smiled and disappeared, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I was a horrible human being because I had the perfect boyfriend in one room, but all I wanted was to call Harry and listen to him talk about absolutely nothing. What the hell was wrong with me?

"Are you alright? You look a bit upset." He set my glass down next to me, sitting by my legs.

"Yeah. 'M just tired," I mumbled, lying through my teeth, "But this is perfect. Thank you." I grabbed the bag, pulling out two of the containers. I set the chow mien in my lap and busied myself with stuffing my face while Zayn put on the first movie. We sat in a comfortable silence, eating and giggling every now and then. I should have felt better, but I didn't.

“Did you and Harry figure things out?” he asked, drawing patterns on my knee with his index finger.

“No. Friendship just isn’t in the cards for us.” I was trying not to be sad about it, but the wound was still fresh. I didn't know how long it would be until I felt okay, but I hoped it was soon because I hated feeling like this.

“I’m sorry.” I couldn’t tell if he was being genuine, but I smiled all the same and ran my fingers through his hair. I'd made my decision. I had to at least try to live with it.

“It’s okay.” But it wasn't okay, and I wasn't sure it would be. I understood that Harry had a reputation, but I felt like people judged him without giving him the time of day. I was one of those people, but I got to know the side of him that I wished everyone else could see. Harry had the biggest heart I knew, and I hated knowing that no one else approved. Even if Harry did still want to be friends with me, I had a feeling Zayn would throw a fit every time I tried to see him. It was an issue I didn't want, and it was an issue I'd never have. I'd lost the one person that actually understood me, and I wasn't sure I'd ever get him back.