If I Stay

"Lottie, I look like a stick of cotton candy." I cringed as I walked out of the dressing room, a bubble gum pink bridesmaid dress adorning my small frame. The dress reminded me of Glinda's from The Wizard of Oz, just shorter. The material stopped above my knees, the skirt a gigantic poof of taffeta. I looked idiotic, grimacing at my reflection.

"You're right. That's definitely a no. Try this one." She shoved a silkier dress into my hands, grinning as she pushed me back behind the curtain. This would be the fifth dress I'd tried on, and she hadn't found one that she liked. I couldn't help but feel like she was stalling because the first dress that I tried on was perfect. The one I'd just slipped over my shoulders was the color of Pepto Bismol, and I wanted to gag.

"Did you seriously have to pick pink and white as your colors?" I groaned, pulling back the curtain. I looked ridiculous. All I wanted was a donut and to put on some sweats.

"The colors are beautiful together, but that dress is hideous. I'm sorry. We're almost done. Just a few more." She was in the process of handing me a baby pink dress that was actually decent when the door chimed.

"I got a distress call." Zayn walked in, coffee and a paper bag in his hand. I let out a huge sigh of relief, lifting the bottom of the dress as I walked over to him.

"You are a saint." I grabbed the coffee, taking a careful sip before I pressed a light kiss to his lips. It wasn't until Lottie was looking at me like I was the three headed dog from Harry Potter that I realized she had no idea what was going on. I hadn't filled her in on anything, and I knew I was gonna pay for it.

"Having fun?" He smirked at the uncomfortable look on my face, pushing my hair out of my eyes.

"No. Do you see what she has me wearing? We've been here for two hours, and she still hasn't found anything," I grumbled, taking another sip of coffee. I had to be careful not to spill it on the dress because there was no way I was paying for the disaster that was on my body.

"I think you look beautiful." He kissed my forehead, rubbing my shoulder lightly.

"Liar." I set the cup down, walking back behind the dreaded curtain to put my clothes back on. I was done trying dresses on for now, and I think Lottie knew that.

"Zayn, Landon is at the store a few doors down. Could you get him for me please?" She could have called Landon, but I knew what she was trying to do.

"Yeah. I'll be right back." He smiled at me before he left, and then Lottie whacked my shoulder.

"Ow!"

"When were you going to tell me that you and Zayn were dating?" She was giving me the look of death, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It slipped my mind?" My words came out as a question, and I smiled sheepishly, shrugging my shoulders. It hadn't slipped my mind. I just didn't want to talk about it because then I'd have to talk about Harry, and I was still sour about that situation.

"Bullocks." I stiffened my giggle, a small snort leaving my lips.

"People still say that?"

"Don't try to change the subject. You tell me what happened, right now."

"Uhm....well, I was faced with a difficult decision, and I made my choice." I didn't want to go any further than that because I knew the boys were going to be back soon. I didn't bring up Harry in front of Zayn if I could help it. Occasionally Niall would ask if I talked to him, but I always kept my answers short. Nina was the only one that knew the whole story, and apparently Harry hadn't told anyone else. I didn't want to relay the message.

"And how does Harry feel about your decision?" I sighed, rubbing my temples. I prayed Landon and Zayn would walk through the door and save me, but they were probably taking forever on purpose.

"He's not speaking to me."

"I'm not surprised. Come on, Logan. I know Zayn is gorgeous, but you can't be daft enough to think that he's the right guy for you." I tried not to question it. I always gave myself headaches. I'd already made my choice, and I couldn't go back on it now.

"I don't even know if there is a right guy. I was only thinking logically."

"Logic means nothing in a relationship. Just look at your parents." I grimaced, hating that she was right. Landon and I were products of a "logical" relationship. It was obvious that my parents didn't love each other, despite the front that they put on for the rest of the world. Did I really want to end up like them?

"I'm not going to marry Zayn if that's what you're worried about."

"Then what's the point of dating him? You start a relationship with someone because you see a future with them. If you don't see a future with Zayn, you're wasting your time and his." She was saying everything Nina had been saying to me for the past three weeks, but I didn't want to hear it. Zayn was safe. Zayn made me comfortable. What was wrong with that?

"I'm not even out of school. I don't need to be thinking about getting married right now. We haven't even been dating for a month yet, Lottie. If I brought up marriage, he'd probably run for the hills." The boys chose that moment to walk back in, and I thanked whatever god was listening to me.

"This conversation isn't over." She grabbed her purse and pulled Landon outside before he could even say anything. I sighed, rubbing my eyes and running my fingers through my hair.

"She's mad." Zayn helped me put the dresses back before he led me out to his car.

"Only because I didn't tell her," I lied smoothly, sliding into the passenger's seat. I leaned my head back, trying to take myself back to the moment when things got so complicated. Maybe I shouldn't have talked to Harry that first night. I should have said no when he asked me to go outside. I shouldn't have asked for his name when he walked me home. I shouldn't have gone back that second time. I wouldn't be in the position that I was in now. My life would be exactly the way it was before, and I wouldn't be sitting in my "boyfriend's" car, trying not to cry because everything was so messed up.

"Why didn't you tell her?"

"I didn't really think about it if I'm being honest." That was absolutely the wrong answer, but I couldn't take it back.

"Oh." I could hear the disappointment in his voice, and it only made me feel worse.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. There was so much going on between the wedding and exams just finished. I just had a lot on my mind. I'm sorry." I reached over the center console, linking my fingers with his. I wasn't a liar by any stretch of the imagination. I hated lying, but I'd been doing it a lot recently, and I didn't like it.

"It's alright. Have you told your parents?" I knew I was going to have to tell them at some point. They were still under the impression that I was dating Harry. My mother would be thrilled when she found out the truth, but I didn't know how my dad would react. He seemed to take a liking to Harry.

"I haven't spoken to them since the dinner party, but I'm supposed to see them later this week for lunch. You could come with me, and we could tell them together?" I asked, hoping to appease him. The smile on his face told me that I'd succeeded, and I let out a small sigh of relief.

"That sounds good."



I couldn't shake the feeling that today was going to be horrible. I'd gotten a text from Landon saying that he and Lottie were also going to lunch with my parents, and Lottie was still pissed at me, not that I could really blame her. I woke up with the worst feeling in my stomach. I didn't even want to get out of bed, but I knew I had to. I stayed in the shower twenty minutes longer than I needed to, and I'd actually thrown on jeans, not caring about what my mother had to say. I put on a decent top and made an effort with my makeup. My hair decided that it hated me, so I pulled it into the nicest bun that I could. I slid my feet into my heels and grabbed my coat from the back of the door.

"You look like you're going to be sick," Nina commented when I walked into the living room.

"I'm probably not going to make it out of this lunch alive." I was surprised that Niall wasn't sitting on our couch, eating everything that we had in the cabinets. The man was a bottomless pit. I didn't know how he stayed so skinny.

"Your parents don't have any reason to be upset with you."

"It's not my parents I'm worried about," I muttered honestly, grabbing my keys from the bowl, "Wish me luck." I stepped outside, turning to lock the door behind me.

"Okay, before you throw something at me or tell me to go to hell, please just listen to me for a second." I jumped, smacking into the door when I heard Harry's voice behind me. I turned, frowning at the sight. He looked worse than the last time we talked, and I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around him. His hair was limp, and his cheeks were starting to sink in. He looked sick, and I knew it was my fault.

"Harry, what are you doing here?"

"I was wrong for telling you that we couldn't be friends. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm a mess, Lo. I haven't slept. I've barely eaten anything. I miss you. I just really fucking miss you." His arms were around me a second later, holding me tightly to his chest. Once the shock wore off, I hugged him back, relaxing against him. I knew I was going to have to leave soon, but I needed this minute with him.

"Harry, it's okay. I understand." I pulled back to look at his face, locking my fingers behind him.

"No, Logan. It's not okay. I love you, and I'm going to take you any way I can get you. If that means we're just friends, then that's fine because these past few weeks without you have been hell. I don't want to go through that again." The fact that he said he loved me out loud left me stunned. I didn't know what to say, and I was sure that my mouth was completely open, "Say something." He moved his hand up to my face, running his thumb across my cheek. I was at a loss for words, so I said the only thing that I could.

"Harry, I have to go. I'm meeting my parents for lunch, but I promise when I get back we can talk. Can you wait a few hours?" I needed time to process and think about what I was going to say. I needed to fix this, but I couldn't do it now.

"Yeah, of course. I'll be here." He gave me a weak smile, and I reached up to kiss his cheek before I walked to my car. The drive to my parents house was quicker than I wanted it to be, and I saw Zayn's car parked in front.

"Hey, you ready?" He asked, giving me a beaming smile. I couldn't help the guilty feeling in my stomach, but I faked a smile anyway, intertwining our fingers together.

"Yeah." I unlocked the door, pulling Zayn in with me.

"Something is very wrong." Lottie was at my side in half a second, a worried look on his face. For a split second, she wasn't pissed at me, but I knew this wasn't going to last.

"What do you mean?"

"Your mother complimented my outfit." I almost laughed, but that was out of the ordinary. I just hoped this wouldn't turn into a shit show. I wasn't in the mood for a family argument.

"Well, let's just hope no one is dying."

"Oh good. You're here. The food's ready." My father was smiling, like a really wide smile that I'd only seen when I caught him with his mistress.

"Hi dad." I let go of Zayn's hand to press a kiss to my father's cheek, looking over his shoulder for my mum. She appeared from the kitchen, a neutral look on her face, "Hi mum." I gave her a quick hug, walking back to Zayn's side. This was it. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, but I wasn't worried about my parents' reaction, "I have something to tell you." My mother took one look at our intertwined fingers and grinned like a mad woman, clapping her hands together.

"I knew it! This is so wonderful. I was waiting for the two of you to get together." She pressed multiple kisses to both of our cheeks, hugging us like we were the best children in the world. I glanced at my father, my stomach dropping at the disappointed look on his face.

"Congratulations, son. I trust you'll take care of my daughter."

"Yes sir."

"Alright. Well let's eat." While everyone made their way into the dining room, Lottie stayed back, wrapping her hand around my wrist.

"You're digging a deeper hole for yourself." Her expression matched my dad's. I hated when people were disappointed in me because I didn't know how to fix it.

"I know, but I'm trying Lottie. I'm going to talk to Harry when we leave. I'm going to fix it. I promise." She nodded once, walking into the dining room without me. I sighed, pushing my fingers through my hair. A part of me wanted to run out all together and just go home. I wanted to curl into a ball in my bed and sleep, but I forced myself to walk into the dining and sit down next to Zayn. The last time I was in here, Harry was the one at my side. I couldn't help but feel out of place. We ate in silence, and I could feel the awkwardness settling in the room. I looked to Landon for help, but all he did was shrug and shove more mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"So Zayn, how are you parents?"

"They're good. I've started working with my father. He's thinking of retiring soon, so he wants to make sure I'm prepared to take over." I had no idea that's what was going on, but Zayn and I never did much talking when we were together. There was a lot of awkward kissing and mindless chatter, but we never talked about anything serious.

"That's wonderful. I'm sure he's proud of you."

"Thank you, sir."

"There's something we'd like to discuss. Zayn, since you're part of the family now, you can stay, of course." My father wiped his mouth with his napkin, pushing his chair away from the table. My mother's face turned to stone, and I had a feeling I knew what was coming, "Your mother and I are getting divorced." I'd never heard silence like the one that fell over the room in that moment. You'd be able to hear a pen drop, and it would probably sound like a bomb was going off. Landon looked confused, Lottie looked like she wanted to bolt, and Zayn was looking at me. The grip on my fork tightened, and I stared down at my plate. I knew the reason behind it, but I wondered if my mother did.

"Can I ask why?" Landon's face was turning red, and I knew he was feeling the same way I was when I found out our father was having an affair. There was a sense of betrayal from them trying to raise us to be perfect little angels when they weren't perfect themselves. He was going to be angry for a while.

"We haven't been happy for years. We were trying to set an example for you two, but you're old enough to understand now."

"Now?! You put us through hell when we were growing up. You barely spent time with us. You treated us like shit, all because the two of you were unhappy? How the fuck was that fair?" Landon was rebellious, but he'd never cursed at our parents. He wasn't disrespectful. I understood how he was feeling. I'd already gone through it, but I hadn't voiced my opinion. I couldn't because no one knew what I knew. I dropped my fork, placing my napkin on the table.

"Landon, please calm down." I should have stayed at home. I should have trusted my gut feeling and not bothered to show up, but I was here, and now I had to deal with it.

"No. I'm not going to calm down. Lottie, let's go." He left without waiting for her, and my mother was next to leave the room.

"I'm sorry." Lottie scampered after Landon, giving me an apologetic look. Zayn sat there awkwardly, and I knew it was time for us to leave.

"Zayn, you should probably go. I want to talk to my dad. I'll call you later, okay?" He nodded, kissing my temple before he left. We sat in silence, my father staring at his plate.

"May I ask what happened to Harry?" I felt like I should have been the one asking the questions, but I answered him anyway.

"We were never actually dating. I tried to tell you that, but you didn't believe me. I know you cheated on mum. I saw you in a diner outside of town. The reason Harry came with me that night was because I thought the topic was going to come up. He was there for moral support. I didn't know how to react." It felt good to finally tell him that I knew. I watched the shock and guilt register on his face.

"Are you upset with me?"

"I was. You guys pushed us so hard to be perfect. We weren't allowed to make mistakes, and I don't think that was fair to either of us. I tried my best to do everything you wanted. You picked my major for school. I attended everything you asked of me. Sometimes I wish I would have done what Landon did and moved away. I see why he left. You didn't treat us like we were your children. You treated us like we were robots. I wanted to hate you. I wanted to be upset, but I saw the way you smiled at her. I've never seen you smile like that before. It was genuine. I met her at the dinner party. She loves you, and as long as you're happy, I'm okay with it. Landon will come around." I reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He was misty eyed. In all my years, I'd never seen my dad cry. I felt my face get hot, and I sniffed, choking back the tears I didn't want to spill.

"Please listen to me when I tell you this. I didn't believe that you and Harry weren't dating because of the way he looked at you. That boy has it bad, and I know you care about him. Zayn is a good person, but I don't want you to be with him out of obligation to me or your mother. You need to follow your heart, and if it's with Harry, then that's who you need to be with. Don't make the same mistake I made." He gave me a small smile, patting the back of my hand. I stood up to give him a hug, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

"I love you, dad."

"I love you, too, Logan."