If I Stay

The drive home was long. I took the scenic route on purpose. I had so much to think about, and not enough time to really think about it. Term was over for now, and I was officially on holiday, but being out of school meant that Lottie could drag me anywhere whenever she wanted. If I wasn't with Lottie, I was with Zayn. And when I was home, Nina was at my side if Niall wasn't there. I hardly ever got time to myself, and it was starting to make my head spin.

I still didn't know how I felt about my parents announcing that they were getting divorced. Despite my dad looking happier than I'd ever seen him, I could tell that my mom was upset, though I wasn't sure of the reason behind her feelings. It was more than likely about her "perfect" image being tarnished, but what if she actually loved him? What if she was sad because she was losing her husband? I didn't have time to dwell, knowing that I had my own issues waiting for me when I got home. I parked my car and walked inside, freezing when I saw a body in the living room.

“Harry?” I raised my eyebrows in confusion, walking over to the couch. He sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“Hey. Nina let me in when she left. She’s spending the night with Niall.” That was probably a good thing, and I knew she’d done it on purpose. I wasn’t sure how tonight was going to go, and it was better if we were alone, “Did you still want to talk? I can leave if you want me to.” He stood immediately, straightening his shirt and running his fingers through his hair. I felt horrible. The normally confident Harry I knew so well looked absolutely terrified of the words that were going to leave my lips. I’d never seen him so vulnerable. I watched him scratch at his wrist, guilt settling in my stomach.

“Are you hungry?” I was going to cook whether he wanted to eat or not. I still didn’t know what I was going to say yet, and I needed a minor distraction with everything else that was going on.

“Yeah, actually.” I smiled lightly, putting my bag down and walking into the kitchen. Pasta was the quickest, so I set the water to boil, pulling out a few jars of alfredo sauce.

“How long have you been waiting?”

“Since you left. I was waiting outside, but Nina told me I was an idiot that was asking to catch a cold.” I snickered, shaking my head as I pulled the bag of pasta from the pantry.

“I agree. Why didn't you just go home? I would have text you when I got back.”

“I wanted to wait.” An awkward silence settled over us while we waited for the noodles to cook. I poured the sauce into a pan, stirring every few minutes. I added a few spices, draining the noodles while I waited for the sauce to finish cooking. I felt like there was more behind his reason for staying, like he wanted to make sure we actually got a chance to talk. I couldn't blame him for doubting me.

"Did you take a nap while I was gone?"

"I tried. Only slept for like fifteen minutes." This was awkward. We weren't awkward, but everything had gone to shit, and now we were making mindless small talk. I was thankful for the food being done because it gave us something to do. I spooned pasta and sauce into our bowls, setting Harry's in front of him before I grabbed us both water bottles from the refrigerator. I leaned against the counter across from where he sat, watching as he finished in three bites. I was already getting him a second helping before he could ask. He ate slower this time, and while I pushed the noodles around in the ceramic, I noticed that he was watching me. I forced down a few bites and eventually gave up, my appetite still gone from earlier. I stuck the leftovers in the fridge when I knew he was done. Neither of us moved, the kitchen being our safe haven.

"We should sit." I was exhausted, but I wasn't going to make him leave. I had a chance to fix things, and I would, even if it took all night, "Just let me change." I walked into my room, pulling out shorts and a t-shirt. I moved into the bathroom to change and take my hair down. It was still a mess, but I tried my best to brush it into submission. I sighed, settling on the fact that I wasn't going anywhere and let it be. I removed my makeup and splashed cool water on my face before taking my contacts out. I slid my glasses on and shut the light off, walking back into my room. I wasn't surprised to see Harry on his normal side of my bed. I slid into the other end, laying on my side to face him.

"How was lunch with your parents?" I thought we were going to dive right in, but I'd been mistaken. I was grateful for the extra time to gather my thoughts, but I didn't want to prolong this experience. We were both scared, and constantly changing the subject wasn't going to help us.

"They're getting divorced," I muttered, resting my head in my hand. Harry's position mirrored mine, and I watched his eyebrows furrow, creating a crease right down the middle. I wanted to reach up and rub it away, but I refrained.

"You okay?"

"I don't know. I feel like Rachel when she found out her parents were getting divorced. A little devastated, but it wasn't entirely unexpected. I told my dad that I knew about his girlfriend." It was obvious that I needed to stop calling her a mistress. She was clearly more important than that, "Landon took it worse than I did. Walked out and left Lottie at the table." I left out the fact that Zayn was there. That was going to put a damper on an already sour mood, and I didn't want to talk about him anyway.

"So everything's out in the open?"

"Yep. Bit weird if I'm being honest. I feel better now that I'm not harboring a secret, but my mum walked out too. Barely said two words." I slid my glasses off my face and dropped my head onto my pillow, closing my eyes. A headache was starting to form, but I was too lazy to get the aspirin.

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. I mean, my dad said they haven't been happy for years, as if that hadn't been painfully obvious from the beginning. Landon and I are both adults, so it's not like we can't handle the news." I shrugged, bringing the duvet over my shoulders. It was unusually cold, and like second nature, Harry moved closer and put his arm over my waist. I wanted to tell him to move, but his touch was comforting.

"Are you mad at me?" I opened my eyes and pulled my head away from his chest, staring up at him.

"No. Why would I be mad at you?"

"I ruined everything." His voice was quiet and nervous. I lifted my arm, placing my hand on the side of his neck, forcing him to look at me.

"You didn't ruin anything. I'm still here, aren't I?"

"I almost lost you."

"But you didn't. I'm not going anywhere," I promised, rubbing my thumb over his jaw. We were too close for comfort, legs locked together and arms over each other, but it felt right. It felt like this was where I belonged, "My dad likes you." I wasn't sure why I said it, maybe to fill the silence or stop him from staring at me so intensely.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Told me that I shouldn't date Zayn out of obligation to him or my mum." I felt him freeze, and I didn't take the time to look at the expression on his face. I knew I wasn't going to like it, "Harry, relax." I rubbed his side, trying to avoid another argument.

"I didn't know your parents knew about you and Zayn." His tone was clipped, and I huffed, knowing I was going to have to tell him everything now.

"They didn't until today. Zayn went with me to lunch. He was upset because I didn't tell Lottie we were together. I guess he felt like I was hiding him? I just didn't want to talk about it. I still don't," I grumbled, leaning my forehead on his chest.

"Why didn't you tell Lottie?"

"Does it make me a bad person if I say that I didn't want to tell anyone?" I felt like a horrible human being. What sane person doesn't want to show off their significant other? Especially when they looked like Zayn.

"I don't think so."

"It just doesn't feel right, being with him, I mean. It's not uncomfortable. I've known him since we were kids, so that's not it. It's just.....I always imagined my first boyfriend to be someone I felt like I couldn't live without, someone I wouldn't have to explain myself to because they just understood me. Someone that wouldn't pester me when I was in a mood, you know?" It didn't take me long to realize that Harry had every quality I described, and the answer to everything became as obvious as red and yellow paint on a white wall.

"Zayn's your first boyfriend?" Of course that was the only thing he'd gathered out of what I just said. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"Yes. Think back to the first time you met me. Did I really look like a girl that's gotten around?" He chuckled, causing my head to shake.

"No."

"Exactly."

"So I finally have my answer to the virgin question." I could tell that he was smirking, and I tried to roll away from him, but he tightened his grip on my waist, pulling me closer than before.

"Harry," I whined into his shirt, my cheeks flaming. I wasn't embarrassed about being a virgin. I actually prided myself on the fact that I could keep my legs closed while the rest of the world seemed unable to do so. It was just the fact that he was teasing me about it, the flashback of when he first asked the question floating around in my mind.

"'M sorry." He was laughing now, burying his face in my hair. I let a small smile creep onto my face. This was how things were supposed to be, how they always should have been, but that didn't stop the small sense of fear that was always in the back of my head, "Am I allowed to ask a question?"

"Mhmm."

"Are my feelings one-sided?" I tensed, thinking about how I was going to word my answer. I was still coming to terms with what I was feeling. Acceptance is always the first step, but I didn't know what was going to happen once I said everything out loud.

"Bear with me, please," I took a deep breath, trying my best to relax. I reached for this hand, sliding my fingers through his, "From the moment I saw you, I had you pegged. You just had this air about you. Everyone knew you. Girls stared shamelessly, and you just seemed to love the attention. I'd never met one person that made me so uncomfortable in such a short amount of time, but you made me question myself, and I didn't really like that. You never said anything I hadn't heard before, but because it was coming from you, I don't know...it just bothered me more. And then you actually turned out to be complete opposite of what I thought you were. I mean, besides you sleeping around, but like personality wise, I thought you were an arsehole, and you were at first, but you grew on me. I didn't expect you to develop feelings. I thought you being the person that you were, I'd be safe from situations like this one. When you told me you didn't date because relationships were a waste of time, I thought that was it. I'm not an idiot. I realized that you liked me early on. I just didn't know how serious you were. I thought it would go away. I didn't expect you to meet my parents. I didn't expect to get so close to you. I had this idea of what I thought our friendship was going to be like, and it just went in a completely different direction." I licked my lips, stealing a glance at his face. He looked confused, and I realized I probably hadn't made any sense.

"That didn't really answer my question."

"I wasn't done. That first night, when you walked into the kitchen, I was actually stunned. Like I didn't understand how someone could just be so damn...ugh! You have wonderful genes. I'm gonna sound like a total creep right now, but I noticed everything, the color of your eyes....I was basically gawking at you, and then you asked me to go outside, and every instinct in my body screamed no. But I went anyway, and all hell broke lose. Walking me home that night was probably the worst the decision you could have made for both of us, because I didn't even know your name, but I'd decided that I wanted to spend more time with you. And then came Nina's warning. You don't know how horrible I felt when I told you no for breakfast. Nina is a tough pill to swallow, and I assumed that she knew what she was talking about because you guys had the same friends. But it wasn't just Nina. Zayn said the same thing, and so did Liam. I just figured I was better off quitting while I was ahead, but every time I told you to leave me alone, you just kept coming back. I tried so hard to fight what I was feeling, to convince myself that you were just a friend, but I knew better. Honestly, I think I knew that day we saw my dad. I mean, you'd only been around me a handful of times and you knew how I took my tea. You didn't pressure me to talk. You let me soak your shirt with tears and snot, and you never told me I was disgusting."

"Logan--"

"No, shhh. Let me finish. I know I'm rambling, but I need to say this. I need you to understand. The day of the dinner party, when you walked me outside...you kissed my forehead like I was a piece of porcelain, like I was the most precious thing in the world. And you did it again the day I walked out. No one's ever treated me like that, not that I really gave anyone a chance, but I didn't give you one either, and you managed to weasel your way in. My dad said something to me before I left. He told me he didn't believe that we weren't actually dating because of the way you looked at me. And I've seen it. You look at me like the entire world is standing in front of you, and that scares the shit out of me because I don't think you understand just how important you are to me. I've never cared about someone this much, and I'm afraid of losing you. The last time we talked, you told me I was scared, that I was playing it safe. I am. I was. You are the person I'm closest to in the world, and I don't think I could handle it if we just stopped. Even Nina saw how miserable I was when we weren't talking. She's on your side, you know. Thinks I'm a proper idiot for not dating you in the first place. Lottie too. And with all that being said, no, Harry, your feelings are not one-sided." I felt light headed, probably because I talked more than I ever had in my life. I took deep breaths, trying to get my lungs under control. I didn't want my anxiety to get the best of me. I finally opened my eyes, glancing up at my best friend in the entire world. I expected to see a shit eating grin while he sang "I told you so" multiple times. But the content smile on his face said everything I needed to know. We were going to be okay, and that's what mattered.

"Are you finished?" he asked, his hand cupping the side of my face.

"Yes." This time, when he kissed me, I was ready. I pushed myself against him, trying to get as close as possible. My body was on fire, and he reached for the bottom of my shirt, pushing it up my torso. I moved to take it off, but he stopped me, pressing his hand down on my hip.

"Easy. As much as I like where this is going, I think we both know it's not the best idea." He was right. We were just figuring things out, and I didn't want to ruin it.

"Sorry," I muttered, pulling my shirt back down. He moved my hair out of my eyes, peppering kisses all over my face.

"I have a confession." I stared up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"What is it?"

"I told Landon to tell your parents that we were dating." My mouth dropped open, and a part of me wanted to smack him.

"Why would you do that?"

"I just thought you needed a little push in the right direction. I could tell that you were getting more comfortable with me, and I wanted to see how you would react. And then when your mom started saying all those things, and you held my hand. I swear, I stopped breathing. I thought that maybe you'd realized dating me wasn't as bad as you thought, and then I had to go and fuck that up. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to you. I just thought that she was right. She's right to want more for you, Logan. She's your mother, but it's not like I could stay away from you even if I wanted to. I was too far gone by that point. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." The urge to hit him was still strong, but I realized that had he not done that, we probably wouldn't be where we were now. It wasn't the smartest choice, but everything happens for a reason.

"Do I really mean that much to you?"

"Yes." He didn't hesitate, staring me directly in my eyes. I could see it, everything he felt for me. It was overwhelming, but I couldn't look away. He was beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

"When did you know?" I asked, turning so that I was laying on my back. I kept my head facing him, resting my hands on his.

"I think I always sort of knew, but the night of the dinner party. When I asked if you wanted me to go with you, and you told me no because if I thought your mom was bad, I'd run for the hills this time around. I just sat there thinking that I'd suffer through it a million times over if it meant that I got to hold your hand for a little while. I couldn't stop myself, so I apologize for what I said because I saw the look on your face when I told you that you were the only one running. I wanted to tell you when you came out of the bathroom, but it just didn't seem appropriate." I watched his face slowly slip into a frown, probably thinking about the rest of the evening. That was the night I'd kissed Zayn for the first time, and suddenly everything became very real. Through our conversation and the heated kiss, I'd completely forgotten about the fact that I was spoken for.

"Shit."

"Yeah, what are you going to do about Zayn?" The answer was obvious. I knew what I needed to do, but I'd just told my parents that we were together. Could I really break up with him so soon after? This was going to come out of nowhere for him, and I didn't want to think about the aftermath.

"I'm going to tell him."

"You sound unsure." I was unsure of when I was going to have the conversation. I couldn't string him along. It wasn't fair, but I really didn't want to hurt him.

"I'm sure. I just....I need time. I do like him. You're just more important." It all sounded fucked up, and I could tell by the look on Harry's face that he felt the same way.

"How much time, Logan?"

"I don't know. This is still all really new for me. I'm just coming to terms with it. Can't we just keep things the way they are for now? I'm going to tell him. I promise." I couldn't believe what I was suggesting, and I wanted to kick myself in the gut. Hadn't I done enough damage?

"Fine, but I'm not going to wait forever." And I didn't expect him to.