My Heroine

“Alright so I have balloons, the cake, the music, plates, napkins, utensi…” I was stopped by a very happy, giddy Kellin coming behind me and spinning me around wrapping his hands around my waist and kissing me deeply.
“You gotta relax Heather, your going to explode.” He said playfully and pushed his hand across my cheek, tucking my hair behind my ear and kissing me deeply again.
“Alright love birds, take it somewhere else.” Gabe said as he walked in the room. We found a small place right on the beach to have Jesses party. It was all enclosed except for one wall that opened up to the shore. Outside of it was a bon fire pit and some logs surrounding it. It really put a nice touch on everything. Gabe had just started the fire and now we needed to get everything set out before Jesse got there. A surprise of course.
Kellin pulled away from me and laughed when he saw the daze he was leaving me in. I licked my lips as if I were locking every single kiss within me and smiled when he kissed my nose and turned to Gabe. I got busy setting everything out, checking things off of my list as I went.
Kellin and I had been inseparable since the accident. I mean, we were before but now, glued at the hips. To be honest, I was scared. Im constantly cautious considering my ex and everything I remembered. A girl can only be hurt so many times. But Kellin was treating me like no other and it made me DOUBLE realize how much of an idiot Katelynn was for letting him get away. It had been great though so far. He was everything I could ever ask for and so much more and he did it all because HE wanted to, not because I wanted him to. Its been about a week and a half since the accident. Its still been fresh in his mind. Its been effecting his sleep. Ive been having to wake up every night to take care of him because he keeps jolting awake screaming, crying and soaked in a sheen of sweat. I felt terrible because this was something that I wasn't sure how to get rid of. I had been calling around and seeing if there was anyone in the area, a therapist or something that would be able to help with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder he was dealing with. I finished setting everything up and turned on the Music. We bought some alcohol. Some of Jesses favorites. This time there was nothing to fear. Nothing with Kellin because he swore he wouldn't drink, and nothing with any of the people here because we had someone hired to take everyone home when they wanted too. I felt proud having figured all this out on my own. Ive always wanted to plan a party for someone. Im glad I got to do it this way.
After everyone had gotten here, we all gathered in the back of the room and I stood in the front holding his cake out with all the candles lit. I had gotten a text from Jack just a minute before saying they were getting out of the car and walking to the building. Kellin stood just a little behind me with his phone held out in front of him, his camera ready to push record when we could hear their voices. I heard Jack and almost shook with excitement. Then he turned the corner and everyone yelled “SURPRISE!!!!!”
He jumped and smiled the brightest smile, laughing as Kellin went up to him hugging him.
“Happy birthday dude.” Kellin said and hugged him. Jesse walked to me smiling and shaking his head.
“You know you didn't have to do this.” He said.
“Oh come on, you act like you don’t know me.” I said and winked playfully. He looked at me for just a second longer before he ruffled my hair and closed his eyes. We waited and then he blew all his candles out. Jesse was usually always sulking around. Maybe that was just his personality but as the years aged him, it took its toll. It was just nice to see him smiling so bright.
The rest of the night was filled with good food, chatting, lots of laughter, smiles, and most importantly, love. We all felt like family. One by one people started leaving until it was just me and the band. We were all seated around the fire and everything was quiet. Everything was calm. Kellin had his arms wrapped around the front of me as we leaned back against one of the logs. This was peaceful. Something I hadn't experienced since the peace of enjoying family time with Dottie. With all of this thinking about her it made me want to go visit her before this year was over, especially since we were on the road.
“What if I took you to meet Dottie?” I said to Kellin, watching the guys be silly while Jesse played guitar.
“What you mean like…while were traveling?” He asked.
“Yeah. Were going to be in her state next week anyway so why not go say hi for a little bit.. Knowing her, she's probably going to want to make us dinner.” I giggled thinking about the overload of hospitality Dottie would put on the boy I brought home for the first time. But it was a good mental picture. It reminded me that I was still able to share the only slice of family heaven I had left, with Kellin.
“Yeah that sounds great. What if she doesn't like me?” Kellin asked playfully, chuckling lightly within his own words.
“Oh trust me. She's going to love you.” I said and leaned sideways, kissing his cheek.
“Alright sing together!” Gabe yelled and we all sang some stupid campfire song that Justin said he sang as a kid at a camp. I was happy. This was absolutely perfect.

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New york. Where Dad and I eventually lost everything. We moved from Oregon to New York where dad thought we would have more opportunities. Obviously, he was wrong. Yes, we found a place to live, yes dad found a job. But when it came to rent, meals for himself and his growing daughter, and really just things that normal parents do when they start a family, single or not, we couldn't do it. Everything started coming to a halt one by one. The food. The heat. The electricity. The water. And then the rent until our landlord kicked us out. They took our stuff…our lives. They took any kind of life that I thought I might have wanted and took it all from me. Starting with my mother…
But i’m glad I found Dottie. I cant explain the feeling of happiness I got when I was able to sit around a christmas tree with a bunch of people that considered me family and open presents like it was nobodies business. I was able to experience family. I got back the life I lost and got it two times better than before. Thats how I feel with Kellin and the guys. I think thats why I find myself falling so hard for Kellin and just dropping voluntarily into the family I have with the guys, with Vic. Because for the first time since Dottie, I feel…loved.
I lost all of that family stuff when I moved out of Dotties thinking that I could make it on my own in a small apartment with a tiny little job and my tiny little puppy and my..one…friend. I started realizing soon that yes, it was a simple way to live but it was too routine. As much as I loved getting up with the sunshine illuminating my home with this golden glow, making a pot of coffee and sitting at my bar counter with a good book before starting my day, it got to the point where I was just like…What now? I needed something more. And I suppose that was my goal for moving to my cousins. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different there. With my ONE cousin, in ONE house doing the same stuff I did before in a different location. Not even that was enough.
But this, with Kellin and the guys, was exactly the journey I felt has been calling me my whole life. I feel like I was meant to end up with them some way or another. This happiness was something rare. And I have it.
Maybe my dad and I didn't get along, which didn't help with having to be homeless together. Maybe my mom is gone and that sucks. Maybe Dottie kicked me in the butt to try and jumpstart my life, but it all payed off. Im glad it all happened, as shitty as it was. It led me here. To Kellin, to the guys. To currently cuddled on the couch with Kellin a few days after the party, watching The Vampire Diaries even though he hates it. I laughed as he playfully rolled his eyes when I asked him to keep it on the channel as he was flipping through.
“Really Heather?” He asked jokingly. The thing was I knew he liked it. A reader like him, its impossible not to fall in love with a show that tells such great of a story. As we got deeper into it, he sounded like me, like any fangirl who watched this show and tried to talk to another fan about it. OH MY GOSH I KNOW! OH MY GOSH THAT WAS SO CUTE! To be honest, it was probably one of the single cutest things i’ve ever seen a man do in my life. Right now a commercial was playing. I looked over at my phone to check the time. 11:30 pm on the dot. Kellin was on his phone already, most likely going through twitter to retweet some things.
I got up and walked to the to the small kitchen area and snooped in the cabinets where I knew left overs from earlier’s party were. We had cut the party shorter than planned considering the guys had a long day in the morning. Warped was taking its toll on all of them in a major way. To be honest I cant believe Kellins still up. I spotted mini marshmallows in the corner of the cabinet and pulled them out. Personally, I preferred them raw. I hated roasting them. Or if I did, 15 seconds…maybe lol. I bit into one and quietly moaned. But my eyes snapped open and evilly might I add. A picture of me feeding Kellin a marshmallow from my mouth popped in my head and I felt my grip on the bag tighten and my body lightly clench with pleasure.
Lets be clear and say that Im not a very sexual person. But…a girl needs what a girl needs. Kellins methods of affection were pulling me to think things I normally wouldn't think. Or would I? I haven't really ever gotten the opportunity to do things like that. My ex and I, yea we had sex but…thats just it. It was JUST sex. Emotionless movements. Its weird thinking back on it. But thinking about how gentle Kellin always is with me…how could I not think about how he would be…more affectionately? …
“Heather?…are you ok?” He asked from the couch and I jumped and giggled.
“Yea im fine. I was just thinking.” I said and turned back around and bit my lip smiling. I turned the light off in the living area we were sat in watching movies and held a single marshmallow behind my back trying to picture in my head what I was going to do. He was already sitting up so I sat on his lap and kissed his cheek.
“Hi.” He said chuckling. “Can I help you?” He smiled and I softly nodded my head yes and whipped the marshmallow out in front of me.
“Can you eat this marshmallow?” I asked and nodded reaching a hand out to grab it.
“Ah, ah, ah.” I said and pulled it back and put it in my mouth and slowly leaned it. He smiled once he realized what I was doing and he leaned in as well. But before we got to each other, he put his hands up and held my face. He pulled me a little closer and put his mouth really close to mine, his breath blowing on my cheeks. He looked up to my eyes and I could see a smile reaching them. Then his tongue brushed my bottom lip and I shivered, earning a small laugh from him before he tilted my face and kissed me full on, stealing the marshmallow from me in the process. He pulled away and smiled at me, chewing the marshmallow and setting his hands on my hips.
My heart was beating so fast. I literally had that moment of thinking he would be able to hear it if we were quiet enough. I wasn't used to this. I think he could tell by the way he was looking at me. I wasn't sure what else to do…should I? Ugh…
“Hey, relax.” He said and tucked my hair behind my ears. He smiled and pulled me close again, reconnecting our lips as he moved his hands from my cheeks and slowly slid them over my shoulders and down my sides.
“Jesus guys, get a room!” Justin yelled as he came from the back and stepped in the doorway to the bathroom. We pulled away fast and giggled.
“Go back to bed Justin! We’re in a room fool.” I said and he laughed before going into the bathroom. Kellin and I laughed quietly as he pulled me into a hug.
“We should get some sleep. We've got a big day tomorrow. And we should get working on some new lyrics too. Im thinking of maybe doing another album.” He said and pulled away from me a little.
“Thanks for the marshmallow.” He said and winked making me giggle and blush SO HARD.
“Your welcome.” I said and got off of his lap, standing to pull the couch out. Justin came out of the bathroom and called Kellin asking him if there was anyway they could turn the heat up. I laughed as I made the bed and layed back down. My skin was still tingling on every part of my body he touched. I put my fingers to my lips, closing my eyes and remembering kissing him, of the added sweetness of the marshmallow, of the…the softness.
Kellin layed down next to me and wrapped his arms around me.
“We can practice more tomorrow.” He teased making me laugh.
“Goodnight Heather.” He said and kissed my lips.
“Goodnight Kel.” I said back and snuggled into him before drifting to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today was a big day. I let Kellin sleep in for a bit while I made breakfast and coffee and looked through my phone to find the number of someone who could help Kellin with his PTSD, calling them and making an appointment for just an hour later. I looked over to the clock and it read 12 on the dot so I walked to Kellin and sat on the edge of the bed just looking at his facial features. His face was so calm. He was always cool calm and collected but everyone knew that being on tour and doing all of the little things that come with the job was taking its toll on him much like Jesse. For once since I've been around him Ive noticed the deep purple bags under his eyes. Kellins eyes have always had that bag-ish underneath them but this was not his normal shade. He looks pale and exhausted. Like he's finally getting rest for the first time in God knows how long. I hated the thought of having to wake him up but in order to get all of this out of the way so that he could be happier, we needed to go to this appointment.
“Kellin…Keelliinnn.” I ran a finger across his forehead and smiled as he started to stir in his sleep.
“Come on Kel, we've got things to do today.” I said. Slowly but surely he opened his eyes to where a beautiful aqua crescent formed above his adorable blushed cheeks from laying on them.
“But I was having such a good dream.” He said and I laughed as I lifted from the couch and grabbed the hazelnut coffee I had made him before he woke.
“What was your dream about?” I asked, sitting at the table as he walked to me rubbing his eyes. He looked so child like. He looked relaxed finally. Even out of sleep he looked a million times lighter than he has since out flight to florida. It half made me scared to tell him about this appointment. I didn't want to ruin his perfectly good mood.
“Uh…” He said and I watched his eyes flicker up to mine. They held something that I didn't quite understand. It was almost as if the bright blue they usually were darkened into a midnight color before they blinked back to normal.
“Nothing important. I cant really remember anyway. I just know it was good. What about you? Did you sleep ok?” He said and smiled at me before sipping his coffee.
“Im slept pretty good.” I said and pulled my phone out looking at the time.
“Alright, you have an appointment in an hour so go get ready.” I tried to keep my eyes averted, afraid to see his expression. I looked out the window to the other bus that held some other band within it.
“What appointment?” He asked. I could hear the coffee slosh down his throat as he swallowed.
“Um, well I made you an appointment. You've been so strung out lately from the accident that I wanted to help you since I wasn't sure what I could to myself. Im only trying to help please don't be mad.” I was babbling. But the thought of Kellin being mad at me was scary. Anger in general from him was something I haven't yet experienced. Something I hope ill never have to experience.
By this time I had let myself look his way. Somehow his face stayed calm. I didn't see any hint of anger in them as I let my lips move continuously with my babble.
“Why would I be mad? Thats a good idea and I'm all for it.” He said smiling and reaching to me pushing my hair behind my ear. Shivering slightly, I blushed mostly from surprise. Thats it? No protests? No wondering why I made the appointment? No ‘im fine’s?
“Really?” I asked feeling a little shaky. He put his nose on mine and rubbed it against mine a little before kissing me.
“Yes. Im going to get ready. Ill meet you at the car.” he said and stood, taking his coffee with him. I smiled and finished my coffee and looked through my phone some more before going out to the car.
Later at the psychiatrists office, Kellin and I were seated next to each other while the Dr. introduced himself.
“Im Dr. Burkof. Its lovely to meet you both. Mr.Bostwick. This visit is for you correct?” The doctor asked.
“Kellin, please. And yes, this is for me.” Kellin smiled to the man who would be helping him rid of the nightmares and squeezed my hand. Dr.Burkof looked like a very giving and thoughtful man. His pepper colored hair and his soft green eyes that reminded me of Kellin’s blue ones made me relax. I felt confident that Kellin would get through this just fine.
“Ok lets see.” Burkof looked at the information I had briefly given his receptionist about Kellins symptoms and looked back up to Kellin setting his papers aside.
“How long ago was the accident?” He asked and bent to put his elbows on his knees and intertwined his fingers.
“Uh…maybe 2 weeks ago?” Kellin asked looking over at me.
“Yea, that sounds about right.” I said nodding my head.
“And how often are the night terrors?” He asked. I snapped my eyes to the doctor.
“Night terrors?” I asked. He nodded his head and began to explain.
“In a nut shell, night terros are much worse than might mares as they are memories and not something made up. They are a reality. Much more vivid and often times a fear of having it happen to someone else.”
“Thats it.” Kellin cut in. “Thats what they are. About someone else in my spot but having a worse result.” He said and looked down to his shoes and closing his eyes.
I put my other hand on his bicep and squeezed a little.
“Kellin, who?” I asked softly as he rose back up. His eyes were so sad and back to the droopy tiredness I had seen them yesterday. His happiness was gone.
“You.” He said quietly and I could feel my own face fall with concern.
“Can you explain them Kellin? As vividly as your gut will allow you. You can stop whenever you'd like.” Burkof said and I looked at him, not sure what I was feeling, before moving over to give Kellin some space. I felt guilty honestly. I was the cause of his ‘night terrors’. I was scaring him awake at night.
“Well…they are of us,” he began and looked over at me.
“They are of us, doing pretty much what we were doing anyway, just in the car, talking. The impact.” He stopped, his eyes closing tightly at the word impact, of the images flowing through his mind.
“Of us… rolling, like we did, but the damage being much worse. Theres so much…so much blood. All the while I'm trying to get to you. Trying anything to unbuckle your seatbelt after we stopped. But I cant do anything. I feel so helpless and I know that your dying and the glass is everywhere and your so battered and bruised and theres so many noises! So many noises!…”
“Kellin, hey, hey its alright!” I said shaking him. His eyes were shut so tightly but tears were still flowing out of them and he shook as he spoke. He had leaned forward, his hands clapping around his ears. I didn't know what to do… This was so sad for me to see. Kellin literally falling apart within seconds at the scene of…me. Dying.
“Help him. Please. What can I do for him?” I begged as I looked up the doctor while I tried to keep Kellin from melting into a puddle on the floor. Burkof was standing now, grabbing his papers and calling into a speaker on his desk asking someone to get a prescription of something, before kneeling down in front of Kellin.
He spoke quietly to me as he gently laid his hands on Kellins shoulders. Kellin was calm now but it was obvious that these images were draining him as he kept his face in his hands.
“These will pass. Now that he's faced them without being asleep, he will be able to come to terms with whats happened. Im going to give him a prescription for his PTSD that will rid him of the night terrors. Make sure that he takes them every night alright? Call me if theres any complications.” Dr.Burkof said and left me to pick up the pieces that was a broke Kellin Quinn.
“Kellin. Are you alight?” I asked quietly, rubbing his back.
“Im ok.” He said and slowly lifted up. “I feel better actually. Im glad I got that off my chest.” He said and half heartedly smiled at me before kissing my cheek. I smiled back at him and stood, pulling him up with me. I wrapped an arm around his waist and we walked out together, picking up the paper for his prescription before we left.
As the day went on, he looked better and better. Right now we were getting ready for the final show of the night here in Georgia. Kellin was really trying to be happy and I think it was working. The guys were all being especially funny today for his sake and Kellin seemed to be genuinely happy as he laughed loudly at something Gabe said. He had already had his ritual time by himself in a quiet room. I was really hoping that had given him the opportunity to think about moving forward now instead of being tortured by our unfortunate accident.
As I stood with the guys in a small circle we had made, I remembered that I needed to call Dottie about going to see her since we would be there tomorrow. I pulled my phone out and told the guys I would be right back and dialed Dottie’s number.
“Well hello my sweet little girl.” She said on the other end. I smiled to myself and giggled at her words.
“Hi momma. How ya doing?” I asked.
“Well you know, the same. The mission is filling up more and more every day. Lord knows its keeping me busy.” She said and chuckled.
“Well, I was wondering if I could come and say hi? Maybe have dinner? I have someone id like you to meet.” I said turning around to look at Kellin enjoying the fact that I can introduce him to people who I love. He was doubling over in laughter as I looked at him. I smiled and turned around.
“My baby? With a boy to bring home? Finally!”
“And what makes you think its a boy!?” I said laughing.
“Oh honey please.” She said in her sarcastic tone. Mixed with her accent, it was my turn to double over in laughter.
“Alright you got me.” I said. “We’ll be in Mississippi tomorrow so I figured I would bring him to have dinner with me, you, and Charlie? Does that sound ok?” I asked.
“What exactly does this boy do that so easy for you to be here?” she asked. I giggled and turned back around looking at the guys.
“Youll have to see for your self momma. Actually, come to think of it, theres a few other I wanted to bring as well. Some really really close friends of mine. Would you mind that?” I asked chewing on my lip.
“The more the marryer baby.” She said.
“Ok, ill call you in the morning tomorrow after we figure out times and stuff. So watch for me ok?” I said and she agreed.
“Be careful baby, I love you.”
“Will do momma. Talk to you soon.” I hung up and walked back to the guys.
“Everything alright?” Kellin asked as I walked up next to him, taking his hand.
“Yea. Just talked to Dottie. Dinner is set. We just have to tell her when were free and thats it. Oh and you guys are coming to.” I said to them smiling.
“Wait, who's Dottie?” Jesse asked.
“Heathers uh…mom, kind of.” Justin said and smiled at me. I nodded my head and smiled back.
“Guys, 5 minutes.” The tech called into our room making us all scramble to get our stuff. I thought abut Charlie. The son that Dottie already had. He wasn't around much as he was finishing his senior year of high school and then off to the military. He visited as often as he could but that usually only meant birthdays for momma and I, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. And even though it had been so rare to see him, the time that I had gotten to see him, I had gotten really close to me. Were around the same age. He’s a few years older than me. I was going to be happy to see him again. I hadn't heard from him since I left Dottie’s. I hoped that by now he had found someone and made a family of his own. It made me feel good to think that I might have a niece or nephew. I smiled to myself as we walked to the stage where we waited for the siren to alarm signaling their presence. Kellin turned to me as it went off and kissed me. I followed the rest of them up and stood behind the curtain and bobbed my head as they went straight into their first song, You Kill Me in a Good Way blaring through the crowd as Kellin jumped up to meet their screams.
“I know that hope weighs on your mind, lost within the seams. It seems like we lose ourselves in between.
But the harder things become, the harder you push away. Oh baby, yeah baby, it kills me!
You said it, you said it, ill take you at your word. These promises that you cant keep, its getting harder to hold on. You said it you said it! Don't ever let me fall. Don't give up because your losing.
You haven't lost.”