My Heroine

Recently I had been doing a lot of thinking about my past in a negative way. But today I was happy to be going back to the only part of my life that wasn't shear torture. The guys were getting ready currently, fighting about who's taking longer in the bathroom. I just laughed as I sat on the couch. I knew they would take for ever so I chose to not waste my time fooling around outside, and got ready before any of them. Kellin was the last to get ready. I could hear him yelling loudly at the guys who were pestering him for fun. It was actually quite funny. Kellin was back to his normal self. After I made him take his pill he was so much better last night before we went to bed. I couldn't stop laughing as I layer there because of how silly he was being. Tonight was going to be awesome and I couldn't wait. Dottie had sent me her address a few hours before and told me that she was making me a surprise. Just the fact that this was all happening was just amazing. After everything I had thought about, from my moms death, to my being homeless, to Dottie taking me in, to Conner abusing me, I was so proud that I was making new memories. My life was actually starting to bloom into the one that I wish I could have had from the start. Kellin walked to me as the guys did their finishing touches and sat down with me. He took my hand and sighed, laying his head back. “How you feeling?” I asked, laying my head on his shoulder. “Really really good actually.” He said before lifting my face up to his. “Thank you beautiful.” He said and I blushed as I pushed myself up to kiss him. The rest of the guys came out then and stood in front of us. I laughed and stood up. “Ready?” I said and lead them all out to the new rental car we had gotten as a result of the accident. We drove the few minutes to Dottie’s from the venue and parked in her driveway. As I stopped the car, I couldn't help but stare at the house that had once been my home. It was still just as beautiful as I remembered. Dottie had moved here to Mississippi a year after she had taken me in and continued to work for the local mission here where I tried to help her as much as I could. I got out and stood in front of the car looking at its beauty. It was simply white. But it had this gorgeous wrap around porch, windows with candles sitting on the seals making the burgundy curtains above send off an inviting glow. The door was made of cherrie mahogany wood and was adorned with a reef of autumn leaves. The porch had rocking chairs on either side of the door and a porch swing at the corner of the house. The stairs that went up to the door were of the same wood as the door. The house was big, but just small enough. This place brought back so many good memories. Its location set in an area where Dottie owned 10 acres of the luscious gassed land around. I remembered the Wheat field in the back, I remembered the pond not much farther beyond that. I remembered the huge Oak tree right behind the house that made for a wonderful tree swing that I remembered Charlie pushing me on. I thought of the woods not much father beyond the pond that held the most beautiful scenery for anyone looking to enjoy autumn colors. And the sunset falling against everything, it put this heavenly glow on everything as a light breeze moved past me. It was a safe haven that I could always resort to when I remembered everything that had gone wrong in my life. I could feel my tears coming as I thought of everything that I was so thankful for when I lived here. It was so much better than Oregon, than New York. This was a quiet piece of heaven that I never wanted to leave. “This is amazing.” Kellin whispered next to me. I smiled and took his hand. “I know.” I said and pulled him with me, followed by the guys, to the front door. I knocked and waited. My insides were going crazy. I was nervous to see Momma and Charlie. I was nervous for Charlie and Momma to meet Kellin, who seemed to be more calm than I am. The door knob started to twist and I felt my hand tighten around Kellins before it opened. And there she was. Looking just the same as when I met her. She had these deep dark eyes that just made you feel so loved at first glance… just like Kellin. Maybe thats why I was so attached to him. I just knew that he would love me. “Momma…” I said quietly and smiled big. She smiled back and put her arms out. “Oh come here baby.” She said and I hugged her trying to hold back my tears. “I missed you so much!” I said and we laughed, pulling away from each other. “Well come on in guys! Come on come on, my home is your home, lets go, pile in.” She said with a hie smile on her face, her accent sending the guys into small fits of giggles as they entered the house. “Now, Charlie’s not here yet but he’s on his way. Make yourselves comfortable in the living room and ill bring y'all some tea.” She said and turned around to walk away. “Thanks momma.” I said and told everyone to follow me. It smelled like christmas in here. The smell of cinnamon and cookies filled the southern air. The lighting was always kept to a medium so it always felt like the sunset was in here to, a low warming glow. I could tell the guys were already settling in. Soon Dottie was back with the tea and I helped her serve the cups to everyone before she herself sat down in her chair that she always crocheted in. I used to sit for hours and just wants her make things. Blankets, hates, scarves, gloves. You name it, she made it all. “Now, who took my baby girls heart?” She said and smiled sweetly to the boys. Kellin sat up on the couch and raised his hand slightly. “That would be me. But its the other way around, she took mine.” He said and smiled at me then back to Dottie. I blushed and looked at her. “Oooh I see, tryna get on mommas good side already.” She said jokingly causing the guys to giggle and Kellin to blush. “Oh honey, don't blush, its working.” She said and smiled at him. He smiled back. “Your home is beautiful Mrs…” Jesse started but she waved him off. “No no, Dottie is just fine sweetheart. And thank you very much. It does the job I think. I couldn't ask for anything better. My small apartment back in New York was not enough for little Heather, Charlie, and I. Ain’t that right baby?” She asked and I shook my head. “Im glad we moved here. It was a new beginning for all of us.” I said and smiled. “You got that right.” Dottie agreed and sipped her tea. Justin seemed to really like it here as he was up and walking around, looking at pictures and the little trinkets that Dottie had around. Jack seemed relaxed. “This is so much better than being swamped. I could die here and be happy.” Jack said as he laid back against the couch. “Thats the plan honey.” Dottie said and laughed, causing everyone else to do the same. Kellin was quiet next to me as he sipped his tea, but he looked relaxed and healthy. I was glad for that. “Wheres my baby sister!!” I heard from the door. I jumped up and giggled, running to Charlie as he stepped in the living room and jumped in his arms. He spun me around and set me down, kissing the to of my head as he turned to face everyone. “Looks like we got ourselves a full house tonight huh momma?” Charlie said. He was wearing his army uniform still as he was going to have to head back after dinner to serve our country some more. I was proud of him. The guys were all stood now, smiling at Charlie as we walked to them all, each of them greeting him with open arms. “So which one of you is the boyfriend?” Charlie said and chuckled. Again, Kellin raised his hand and smiled at Charlie and myself before taking my hand. “Is he a keeper momma?” He asked. “I think so.” Dottie replied and stood to hug her son. “Its been too long darlin. You need to come around here more often, you got that?” She said and Charlie chuckled. “You got it momma.” He said and turned back to Kellin. “Welcome to the family man. You guys too.” Charlie smiled and the guys all gave their thanks. “Alright, come on, Lets go eat, every things already out.” Dottie said and we followed her to the dining room, each taking a seat around the table. As we passed food around Dottie asked the guys questions. “So what do you guys do?” “Were a band called Sleeping with Sirens.” Gabe said to Dottie who nodded her head as she dumped a spoon of mashed potatoes on her plate. “Explains the traveling.” She said. “And what do you do in this band Gabe?” “Im the drummer.” He responded proudly as he put some green beans on his plate. “Oooh look at you taking control of the most important part. You go honey!” She said and smiled at Gabe who smiled back. He looked so childish, it was adorable. Dottie had that way about her though. Especially when she was rewarding you. It made it that much more better to live with her because if I did good, she would make me feel amazing, like I could do anything. Even when I did bad on something she was always so supportive. I always felt like I could strive to be my best. “What about you three boys? What do you do?” She said pointing to Justin, Jack, and Jesse with her spoon. “Im the bassist.” Said Justin. “Im a guitarist.” Said Jesse. “So am I.” Said Jack. Dottie smiled to them all and nodded her head. “I took guitar lessons when I was in college. I recon I took pretty well to it. I was ok. Though I never really had the opportunity to show it of. Not really anyway.” she said and moved on. “What about you Honey. I would assume your the singer, am I right?” She asked. Kellin nodded his head. “You are right. Lead singer.” He said and smiled. “The reason people listen to our band.” Jesse joked making the rest of the guys chuckle. “He’s a good looking boy.” Justin joked, pointing to Kellin while he laughed. Kellin shook his head and laughed. “Don’t deny it, its the truth.” Dottie said and laughed with everyone else. Everything stayed like that after. Smiles. Everywhere. Charlie talked about some experiences with the military, Jesse told some concert stories, Dottie gave everyone the gist of my back ground and how she came to take me in. She also told some stories about me when I was younger. One particular one I remembered fondly. It was small but it was something that for some reason Dottie always remembered and made her emotional almost to the point of crying. “I remember one year where Heather was feeling especially sad about her mom and dad. It was almost valentines day. Let me tell you that Heather used to be so creative and crafty. So I ended up getting her a lot of things that she could make. Play dough, construction paper, all kinds of different pens and markers and anything I could find that would suit her talent. But this particular valentines day she had prepared something special for me. Its not even all that. But the fact that she took the time to do it for me was just amazing. She cut out all these hearts, big and small, from the construction paper I gave her, in red pink and white. And she hung the big ones from strings and strung them all over in the living room. She got me heart chocolates and All kinds of roses. She put all the little ones in a jar after she wrote reasons…reasons of why she loved me so much on them. I read through every one of them, amazed at the small details she found while being with me. Details of the good things I had done for her, around her, and with her. She made me breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Oh it was just one of the most wonderful days. And too know that she had been saving up the allowance I had been giving her just to give it all back to me like that. 16 and showing me that much affection. It was so small, something that I'm sure a million people do, but such a big thing from someone who I never thought I would have in my life. I cant thank you enough baby. You make me so happy and proud, you always have.” The water works were surely coming as I smiled at what she said and got up to go and hug her. “You deserved every bit of it momma. It was the very least I could have done for you then.” I said and kissed her cheek, using a napkin to dab at her tears. “Don’t cry.” I said softly and smiled to her as she nodded and stopped. After we finished eating and cleaned everything up, we made our way back to the living room where Charlie had started a fire. Dottie made hot chocolate for everyone and pulled out her old acoustic guitar that I remembered trying to play when she wasn't looking, out of the closet. Once we were all seated, she handed Jesse the guitar and looked at Kellin. “Sing for me.” she said and Kellin smiled, looking at Jesse. “Roger Rabbit?”He suggested and Jesse nodded in response, strumming the first few chords of the song. “Is there a right way for how this goes, you got your friends and you got your foes. They want a piece of something hot, forget your name like they forgot. oh. Aint that something. Some want to see you crash and burn, and criticize your every word.Im trying to keep from going insane.. Ain’t that the way of this whole damn thing. oh. Trying to be something more. Nobodies gonna love you if you cant display a way to capture this. Nobodies gonna hold your hand and guide you through. No its up for you to understand. Nobodies gonna feel your pain, when all is done, and its time for you to walk away. So when you have today you should say all that you have to say.” He sang and then beat boxed the middle, sending Dottie and Charlie into fits of laughter and amazement before quieting for the next verse. I stood, walking to the kitchen and went to my purse which held my journal where I kept little clips of lyrics written in what normally would be ugly black angry lines. But this time, I felt like I was going to be able to write these with an open heart, with new ideas. I pulled it out, along with a new pen that I bought that was going to write in purple words now. Standing at the counter with my hot chocolate, I started scribbling everything that came to mind. “I found a love that swept me off of my feet. Found a baby, she's the finest thing this boy has ever seen. She’ll pick you up. And make you wunna fall hard. When I step out on the scene they shout, oh my god! She's so unreal. She lets me take her home. Let my body love your body baby all night long. I want to write a song about you now, yea, something that would make you want to start. I want to write a song about you now, yea, something from the bottom of my heart. I wunna take you home. mmm, I wunna take you home.” As I finished my last sentence, I felt arms go around my waist and squeeze gently. I rested my body back knowing it was Kellin and smiled to myself. “You alright?” He asked and kissed the back of my head. “Yea, I was just jotting down some lyrics that came to me. You want to read?” I asked and he nodded. I handed him my book and sipped at my hot chocolate as he read. “These are fun. I can hear it already actually. Jesse and I will work on it tomorrow.” he said and smiled at me. “Heather baby, wherever you are, could you grab me some tissues please?!” Dottie yelled from the living room. I kissed Kellins cheek and scurried off to the bathroom and then returned to the living room where we only stayed a little while longer because Dottie was getting tired. Later that night, once we had gotten back to the bus, the guys were still laughing about how Dottie had said her goodbyes. “Thank you for coming, I had a wonderful evening with all of you. Y'all come back now ya hear!? Kellin, take good care of my baby you hear me? I will get you if you mess with her.” She said and Kellin replied with a ‘don’t worry, I'm not going to let her get away from me.’ Charlie also had his turn with him apparently saying basically the same thing. I was in love with the fact that my family took in ALL of my boys without so much as a blink of an eye. I was in love with Kellin for being so open with my family and pouring himself into everything that was my life and is my life and what will be my life. It was around 10 o'clock now and I wanted a snack. The guys had split different ways once we all got back here, some going to different busses to hang out with different bands while Kellin and I stayed. We decided to make this a pajama and movie night. So while he snuggled up on the couch, I made myself some cheese and crackers and some orange juice before and returned back to the couch. I really didn't pay much attention to the first movie as it was a scary one that was more annoying than scary at all. We decided it was a spoof and put another movie on. But this time, Kellin was making it hard to watch it. He seems to be totally engrossed in it, but his fingers were up underneath my shirt tracing small circles on my hip right above my pants as I lay there next to him. It was so distracting, but it felt so good. I had to try my hardest not to shiver…too much. He didn't seem to notice though when I finally did let myself succumb to the pleasure he was making me feel without trying. Maybe this was weird. I felt weird for feeling like this. But I couldn't resist as I raised up and turned towards him and kissed him as passionately as I could muster up. Feeling his tongue brush against my bottom lip had me wanting to sink down into nothing. He was sitting up now, pulling me with him as he set me on his lap like we had been the other day, pushing his hands slowly under my shirt, his fingers trailing up my back and under my bra. I could feel myself quivering beneath his touch. I pushed my own hands under his shirt and let my fingers feel every bump of his subtle muscles, to his chest and back down to his pant line. My breath was too hard for my own good as I pulled away from him and put my forehead against his. Much to my delight, his breathing was just as hard as mine as he opened his eyes slowly and smiled at me. “Well then.” He breathed out making me laugh, but then his eyes got that deep dark blue again and he stood, lifting me with him and carrying me to the back of the bus, stopping on the way a few times as we kissed. Once we got to the hall way, he exploded, putting me down and backing me up against the wall and sinking his teeth and lips lightly into the skin at the nape of my neck. His fingers under my shirt again going further this time as he pulled my shirt over my head and kissed down my chest, my stomach. He unbuttoned my pants and I felt my breath hitch in my throat as I put my hands on his shoulders. “Wait. wait Kellin…” He stood slowly and cupped my face in his hands, pecking my lips softly. “Im sorry.” He said and bent down, picking my shirt up and handing it back to me. “No its ok.” I said pulling him closer. “I just want to wait a little longer. As much as I want to right now. Its just, this isn't something that Im used to.” “Im not Connor. Ill never be like that to you. Im fine with waiting, just remember that you dont ever have to worry about it ok?” He knelt down a little so that he was eyes level with me, his index finger hold my chin up. I felt guilty for giving him false hope. It made me want to laugh actually when I thought about it because I know how aggravating that can be. But then I thought about it on a deeper level. That Kellin was right, he definitely wasn't like Conner. Kellin was more than willing to be what I wanted him to be…correction, NEEDED him to be. And that was some one soft. Some one who wanted me because of deeper reasons than attraction. Just doing that with him…it felt different than the times with Conner that seemed to be so boring. He wanted to have his way with me regardless of whether or not I enjoyed it. Kellin was warm and inviting and slow and took care with every touch. He was different and suddenly I was mad for thinking he could or might be anything like Conner. I looked at him and wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again hoping he'd flare up again and take me away to some other world where Conner didn't exist. Where he never happened. “Mmm, heather. Heather, baby, stop.” He said, pushing me away from him a little. I dropped back down onto the balls of me feet and dropped my head as well. “But…I want to.” I said and looked up at him. He sighed and smiled lightly. “I know what your trying to do. Doing it for me only doesn't make me happy. You wont be so it'll just make me upset. Do things for you, not me. Your letting him get to you.” He knew. He knew…and he was right. I nodded my head. “Your right, I'm sorry.” I said and slipped my shirt on. He pulled me in for a hug and rubbed my back, kissing my head and led me back to the couch. But before he sat down, he went to my purse and pulled out my journal and turned to the page of happy purple lyrics I had started. He touched the pen to my paper and looked over to me, planting a small kiss on my lips before writing. “Damn this girl, cant find no body like her, She is everything and I want and Id do anything for her. I beg, beg, and beg. Make me believe that there is no one else I need, when you satisfy me. Ill take you home. Where we can be alone. And let my body show you lovin’ like its never ever known. I wunna write a song about you now. Yeah. Something that would make you wunna start. I wunna write a song about you now, yeah. Something from the bottom of my heart. I wunna take you home tonight, alone. Take you places you've never known.” I took the book from him them and scribbled some more. “Keep you coming right back for more. Keep you coming right back for more. (repeat) (CHORUS) (repeat bridge.) I wunna write a song about you know, yeah. From the bottom of my heart. From the bottom of my heart.” We sat back and reread over everything we had written and then looked at each other. “This is good. Catchy. People are really going to like this.” He said and smiled. “And to think that every word of it is true.” I said and he chuckled. Not long after, the guys all came in grumbling about how tired they were. Everyone got ready for bed and I fell asleep thinking of all the things that were so good that were about to come out of the music we are going to write. Of all the hearts that we were going to speak too.