My Heroine

Veronica had really given me an image of a life that…Im glad I never had. Though my own was negative and it lead to a few slices of a pain that overwrote the dull, aching pain of being homeless and familyless until Dottie took me in, the anger of a grown man being emptied to that of a young soul like Veronica was just so sad. Being so sheltered while living with Dottie, I never had the chance to learn about how life was for others. Even after moving from her, living by myself was quiet and routine. My social life has never been good. But I planned on changing that. I would do anything I could. Much like I helped at the shelter with Dottie.
“Hey, quit it.” Kellin said plopping down on the couch next to me. I looked up to him confused.
“What? Quit what?” I asked.
“Heather…” He looked back at me confused and sighed slightly. “…you’ve been looking like a sad puppy since yesterday. Whats wrong babe?” He asked and took my hand in his.
I hadn't really realized I had been that way but I understood why.
“That girl I met yesterday. Veronica. She just…I don't know. Something about her just stole my attention. You were signing something of hers and I saw…I saw the cuts on her wrists. And then her face, so beautiful! It just surprised me is all. But she…she didn't say what happened but she said something about a man’s anger and I just knew. It reminded me of my father. Though he was never abusive, he was angry. I knew that it could have been either of those things, but anger from a man none the less is terrible.” I said and looked up at him remembering the night he had snapped at me over the old film I had put on for us to watch and his reaction to it. Yelling at me to turn it off. And explaining why it hurt him. But because of my past with my father, it made it hard to just shrug it off. I was scared.
Kellin nodded and his look changed from one of confused to one of understanding.
“I mean, I'm ok. It just made me want to help her. Or at least give her a way out. I gave her my number so she could text me if she needed someone to talk to. Or someone to pull her from ending her life, or even hurting herself for that matter. She really was too beautiful to hurt herself, or to be hurt.” I said and shook my head lightly.
“Your right. Im glad your helping her. If you need help, let me know ok?” He said and lifted my hand, kissing the back of my hand before standing.
“Now come on, our set is about to start.” He smiled and helped me up, pulling me along with him to the main stage.

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“Congratulations! They say you’re the man!” I watched as Kellin and Matty hopped around the stage, changing sides every few seconds so that everyone got the chance to see them. Tonight the crowd was electric, having a huge impact on tonight’s sound. The guys sounded great as they played song after song. But this one in particular was on fire with everyone’s favorite red head on stage.
“They try to do it like me,
But they do it all wrong
Ill pass the torch when someone better comes along.
Congratulations to every label that ever turned me down.
Me and my top 20 record aren’t too worried about it now.
I hope this lesson taught is a lesson learned.
Now go and burry your heads while me and Kellin rule the world!” Matty sang, sending the crowd into fits of screaming after they sang along. Next was a song that Kellin and I did together. One that was less popular but one of my personal favorites of Sleeping’s songs. We had talked about it briefly last night before falling asleep. He had said that he wanted to take a slower approach tonight as they had been pretty heavy the past few venues and it was taking a toll on his voice.
“Alright guys, were gonna slow it down a little bit here for our last song. You guys miss Heather?” Kellin spoke into the mic glancing over at me every few seconds as he listened to the crowds screaming. I loved the fact that people really did enjoy he and I singing together. I stifled back a laugh as he held out a hand for me.
“Come on beautiful.” He called to me, making me blush as Jesse was already strumming the chords for Let Love Bleed Red. The techs pulled up a few stools for us and gave me a mic.
“Hey guys!” I said excitedly. Everyone cheered and clapped. Hearing a few “I love you Heather!!!” and some boo’s but I didn't pay any mind to those.
“Alright guys, you all know this song, I want you to sing along with us.” Kellin said and sang the first part. Instantly I was lost in his voice wishing it were just he and I alone and he was singing me asleep.
“Is it naive to make plans
that see, so far away
theres a reason I feel this way.
Your sleeping alone,
im awake.
When you dream of me tonight,
am I close to where you are.
Lay me down, and tell me everything will be alright
things will be alright.” And then I took over.
“Lay me down, and tell me everything will alright
Things will be alright.
This could mean everything,
or nothing at all.
You take what is real, I give you my all.
Is it naive to make plans that seem
so so so faaaaaar.
I think lets not wait lets
love right now. Lets love, right now.”
And then we sang the chorus again, splitting the harmony between us. His voice lower than my own but mixing with mine perfectly, causing the crowd to erupt into screams of joy, making me smile. We stayed that way into the next part, dropping to a low key and hearing the crowd singing along.
“Oh here, where we lie,
outstretched to wonder why we dont belong.
You deserve much more,
and ill give until im all gone.
Forever know your face,
and ever take your place here by my side.
Like a ghost into the night.
The poisoned apple to my bite.
Ill be the shadow at your door.
Ill be the moth into your light.
Cuz you deserve much more.”
I stopped, letting Kellin belch out his high note, drawing me in with every note. I stared at him and I thought for a split second that this might be weird but, I couldn't help it. It was just so perfect, making my eyes sting with tears that wouldn't be shed but that I couldn't keep away.
“Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
You deserve much more!”
Grabbing my hand, he finished the song off with his eyes on me.
“This could mean everything,
or nothing at all.
You take what is real,
ill give you my all.”
I smiled at him as he sang the last few words and leaned over to kiss me before raising our hands for a second.
“Thank you everyone for coming out tonight. We love you guys, goodnight.” He said and handed the mic over to the tech guys before walking off stage with me. Tonight had been on the chillier side as we made our way back to the bus, the guys all talking amongst each other in hushed tones. All I really wanted to do was lounge around in pajamas all night tonight and all day tomorrow. Today was hard but the ‘day of’ would be harder. Usually I try not to think anything of it, especially the day before because it was always too much.
Two days from now would be the 10th anniversary of my mothers death. Though she hadn’t exactly been the greatest mom, with her cancer she did the best she could and that was all I ever could have asked from her. Even with her drug addiction, she never forgot that she loved me. It was never materialistic but I didn't care. The fact that she came to tuck me into bed every night, that she read me stories and spent most of her free time with me, was enough. A mother isn't what she buys you, its how she loves you. 10 years and the pain never numbed. It never got any less. And although I tried my hardest to push the pain aside and focus it all onto my broken wrist wrapped in a hard cast, I guess I was letting it show too much as Kellin was wrapping an arm around me and looking over at me.
“Woah, hey.” He said and stopped, spinning me around to face him, bending down to get a better look into my eyes. “Whats wrong?”
I looked up to the sky, sending my mom a small smile before I looked back down to Kellin.
“Nothing, I’m sorry. Can we talk about this tomorrow? It would be better then. Plus it has everything to do with where we’ll be next. For now I just want to get ready for the drive. How about we get some Chinese? A movie?” I smiled to him, making an honest effort to be happy. My heart hurt and my brain was pounding, but I knew that was nothing Kellin’s presence and some relaxation couldn't fix. He nodded and smiled back, a flash of concern crossing his eyes for only a a second before taking my uninjured hand and continuing onto the bus.
“Guys, we’re getting Chinese, you want anything?” I said, looking at a menu sitting at the small table. They were all in the living area, talking quietly,Jesse strumming aimlessly on his guitar and Kellin next to him singing ever so softly. My earlier pain was slowly fading away at the family I felt around me, making the room glow with content.
I wanted Chicken and broccoli and I circled it several times before looking up to their responses, circling them also as I went.
“General Soa’s.” Jack called.
“Lo Mein, please.” Gabe said softly, looking up at the screen, the opening sequence to a video game appearing.
“Sweet and sour chicken.” Jesse said.
“Same as Jesse.” Justin called.
“Chicken and Broccoli.” Kellin said before singing again. I smiled, same as me…
This still felt weird. It felt surreal that He and I were together. Not that I wasn't happy. My smile widened as I thought back to the night he had kissed my scars and felt my cheeks flush as I looked back up to him. My insides were squirming before I had to make myself get up and go outside with my phone to call the orders in. The fresh air of the night thawed my flaming insides as I punched in the number to the place and spoke to the man on the other end.
“Ok thank you.” I said and hung up, leaning back against the bus and tried to breath as I remembered Kellin carrying me to the back of the bus, his lips on my neck, my breast, my stomach, my hips, my-
“Heather?” I jumped and walked back towards the bus door as Kellin stuck his head out.
“Coming. Sorry.” I said and smiled to him. This was going to be a long night.
About 20 minutes later, our food was here and we were waiting to leave for our trip to Oregon. We would be driving half way and then to an airport so that we would get there in time for a signing that the guys were scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I had plans for myself that I hoped they would join me in. It had been years since I had gone to see my mom.
My phone started ringing in my pocket and I pulled it out. Veronica?
“Hey Veronica, whats up?” I said and tried my best at sounding happy. Kellin looked up from his singing and smiled at me, his beautiful voice still floating over to me.
“Heather…help me.” She said, her voice full of fear and tears. Her breathing was shaky and I stood, grabbing my jacket, and heading out the door.
“Heather? Wait, where are you going?” Kellin called to me.
“Ill be right back ok?” I said to him and kept going.
“Where are you?!” Whats wrong?” I said and ran letting my feet take me where they needed.
“Im in a bathroom. Um…by main stage.” She said and I ran faster, telling her I wasn't getting off the phone until I was there. And I did just that, bursting through the door.
“Veronica?!” I called and I heard her whimper from a stall. I ran to it and stopped before I opened it.
“Are you ok? Can I come in?” I said and waited for her to answer.
“Um…yea.” She said and I pushed the door open slowly. She was sat against the stall wall, her knees scrunched up to her chest and her hands and arms shaking so much. I kelt down in front of her and took her hands in mine
“What happened?” I whispered, looking her over, checking for signs of bruises or scratches. Her face was covered with bruises. I knew someone had hurt her. Her body looked fine though.
“This guy…” She started and looked up to me hesitating, and looked away, her mouth contorting into one of unshed tears.
“You can tell me. Im going to help you.” I said and lifted her chin up to me. She nodded her head and looked up to me.
“A man came in here while I was using the bathroom and…he…he…” Finally her tears started falling and she collapsed in front of me, her arms fell to her sides, her head fell back and her legs slid down and she let out a painful wail. I swallowed her in a hug and quietly shushed her, rocking her gently.
“Its ok, just take a deep breath.” I whispered to her as I pulled my phone out and texted Kellin.
*Main stage bathroom, hurry, Emergency!* I pushed send and put it back in my pocket. I waited a little bit, letting her calm down and waiting for Kellin to come in.
“Heather!?” I heard him call from outside.
“In here babe!” I called back and he was running through in just a second.
“Hey are yo…Oh my God…” He said and leant down to us reaching out to smooth her hair out of her face to get a better look.
“Who did this to you…” He asked in a whisper, his own voice shaky. She looked up to him and I swear her face lit up so much. I was proud of Kellin for having such an impact on young people both boys and girls, in such a positive way.
“He came in and pretty much just…busted down my door and…” She stopped again, her emotions taking over. I was crying now, I knew already what she was trying to say. I already knew…
“Hey, hey its ok.” Kellin said and sat down next to her, also wrapping an arm around her. “Its ok, take your time. No rush. Just relax ok? Its alright.” He calmed her, running his fingers through her hair, looking over at me, wiping a tear from my face. ‘Be strong’ He mouthed to me and tucked my hair behind my ear.
“No ones going to hurt you again, I wont let them.” I said and kissed her forehead.
“He hurt me…he hurt me so bad…He raped me…” She whispered and I couldn't do it. My heart sank and I looked up to the ceiling, closing my eyes. Somehow my mind kicked into gear and I was standing.
“We need to take you to the hospital ok? They need to check you and make sure that…that you don't get pregnant.”
“NO! No I can’t go to the hospital!” She cried and looked between Kellin and I.
“Veronica, you have to. He could have hurt you seriously. And Heathers right.” Kellin said in a calm voice holding her against him.
“No please…please.” she begged quietly. He looked to me and his eyes were watering.
“Maybe we can call a medic here. Just to check her, make sure she's ok?” I said to Kellin and he nodded his head.
“Good idea.” He said and stood, bringing her with him. We walked back to the bus and sat at the picnic table. Running inside to get a sweatshirt for her, the guys sprung to action questioning me.
“Woah, are you alright?! Kellin bolted out of here looking for you.” Jack said walking after me to the back of the bus along with everyone else.
“Yeah, im sorry guys. Im fine. But this girl I met and exchanged numbers with yesterday, called me. A man…raped her at the main stage bathroom. We’re helping her out.” I said and they all seemed to let out some air, but only a little as worry for the girl only deepened their darkened expressions. I escaped back out the door, telling them that since a man had assaulted her, to try and keep their distance until we had her checked and calmed down. They all agreed and took their places back on the couch, their happy mummers filling the bus.
When I went back out, she was still leaning against Kellin who rubbed her back slowly. She wasn't crying anymore which was good. I wrapped my jacket around her and Kellin looked to me, telling me he had already called the hospital and they were sending an ambulance. I nodded and knelt down in front of her. She reminded me of myself at 16. Small, quiet, smart and wise beyond her years. She looked so sweet and innocent…the perfect target.
Soon the ambulance was there, sirens off thank God. They were quick to take her inside and I followed her as her eyes widened in fear.
“Im here, its ok.” I whispered to her. Kellin stayed outside telling one of the other paramedics everything we knew. They checked her and made sure she didn't need anything else before they gave her a pill to prevent pregnancy. I was so glad she was ok. Nothing had been hurt extensively. Although she was slightly traumatized and it had stressed her out tremendously, they suggested she get lots of sleep. We agreed and thankfully, the ambulance left after what seemed like forever. I was tired and I knew she was too, so we took her inside and let her shower before I gave her some of my pajamas and took her to the back lounge to sleep. Her exhausted form lay there willingly, curling under the comforter Kellin let her use, and soon she was sound asleep after several minutes of sitting with her, filling her with promises that I KNEW I could keep. I would keep her safe. I would give her a place to stay. Tomorrow I planned on talking to Kellin about letting her stay with us for a while until after visiting my mom so that I could talk to her about her life.
It was late now and it felt so nice to finally lay down. I was exhausted for now reason. Maybe it was the impending mourning I would have to to all day tomorrow and the next day. I would save my in-depth conversation until after visiting my mom. Right now, I couldn't deal with anything more stressful.
Kellin and I were in bed now, face to face again like usual. Everything was silent though my mind was full. Finally I let it out.
“Im going to see my mom tomorrow.” I said and lifted my eyes up to him. His were already on mine, sadness striking him before he set his hand on my hip and drew small circles on my hip as he waited for me to continue.
“Come with me?” I asked.
“Of course.” He said and lifted up on his elbow, resting his head in his hand and smiled down at me. “We’ll get some flowers, gather up the guys. Im sure they’d be happy to go to.” He said and tabbed his hand up and down my side. Thankful for the dark, I let myself blush at his touch and nod my head.
“I hope so.” I said, my voice breaking as his hand went further up, pulling my shirt with it as he started running my stomach.
“Everything will be ok. You know I wont let you go through any of this alone, just like you did for me.” He leaned in and kissed me, our lips melting together and moving together perfectly, and he pushed me over onto my back, him moving with me. His lips again trailed slowly down my jaw line, my neck and lifted my shirt pulling it off with ease.
“You just need to relax.” He whispered, replacing his lips onto my breasts, his hand caressing one of them as he laid small kisses on the exposed part. He raised up over top of me, one of his hands reaching under me and unclasping my bra while the other held himself up, his lips connected to mine. Sliding my bra off he kissed down me again, even slower this time as he reached the same place before looking up at me.
“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered and kissed my breast’s again, sucking gently in places moan worthy. The bus was too quiet though. With the guys all asleep just down the hall and the bus driver just a few feet of us, regardless of the door separating us, I knew I couldn't really make any noise. I bit my lip and felt my breathing get heavy as his kisses trailed slowly down my stomach, once again stopping at every scar there, both surgical and self-inflicted. He was pulling my pajama shorts down now, backing up to pull them from me feet before looking me over, his eyes turning that dark blue again before he took my leg and kissed softly to my knee, and too the up the insides of my thighs until he got to my lacy purple underwear. I held my breath as he kissed them too, up until he was back at my stomach.
I was ready. I was more than ready to lift up and rip his shirt off, to run my fingers through his hair.
“Come here.” He whispered, sitting back up and holding a hand out to me, helping me up to face him as he took my face in his hands and kissed me softly and turned my chin a little to nibble on my ear.
“Turn around.” he breathed in my ear and I did as I was told, bending over as his hands lightly pushed me down. His hands were on my hips now, hooking my underwear in his fingers as he slowly pulled them down. I couldn't breathe! Everything was gone now, every sound, everything else in sight. Nothing but Kellin and I, our breathing and my small sounds of pleasure every few minutes. This was amazing. I thought of the aggressive ways that I had been treated before by my ex whenever we were in these kinds of situations. His hands, rough and angry. Angry…so opposite of Kellin, who's finger tips were grazing over my body ever so gently, who's fingers ALWAYS graded over me with the lightest feather touch in every emotion. In happiness, in sadness, like how he was now, like anger…He was always careful with me. And I loved him for that.
His hands were rubbing over my butt, his lips laying kisses everywhere as teeny tiny moans escaped me. Then his tongue was out and licking between me, bending me further so he could reach more of me. My breathing got even heavier as his hands spread me a little, his tongue making my body heat up and shiver uncontrollably. He sat up again, pulling me with him slowly to kiss my lips.
“I love you.” He whispered and kissed me again.
“I love you more.” I whispered back and smiled as he pushed me back down and took my hands in his smooth hands. Thats when I lost it, when my world exploded into a hallucination of love and security. He drove me wild the rest of the night as he pushed himself delicately into me, whispering small ‘I love you’s into the air until we were both asleep and happily lightened with ecstasy filled dreams.

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Black. The color of mourning. The color of the disease that took my mothers life. That took away my family. That made me miserable at school, that made my dad a mad man. The color of the life I lived. The color of the woman who saved me, Dottie. The color of the love of my life’s hair. This color was the color that made me and broke me. But I would never change it. Black was the color of my life both good and bad and getting dressed in it this afternoon was both hard and rewarding. A simple black dress and cardigan, and a white daisy pinned in my hair. At least a little bit of light to clear up the day. My make up was on and I hoped that I could save it from my tears until we got to the grave. It seemed like we were going to a funeral but really it was just the mourning All of the guys were with me, sitting with me on a few benches at the graveyard, just relaxing until Gabe faced me and asked a question that I hadn't ever really cared for thinking about.
“What was she like?” I looked up at him at the same time Kellin snapped his head over to him.
“Dude!” He said in a hushed tone. I got up and walked, them following me on my trail. A few minutes later there we were.
Grace Dally Brisbane
Her name engraved on the stone was…almost too much.
“She was…fine. She had issues. It might have hindered her ability to make sure I had everything I needed. She was…” I said and scoot to the edge of my seat somewhat uncomfortable but ok with telling them. They hadn't deserved anything less.
“…a drug addict. There were many times where id come home to find her passed out on the floor, a needle next to her and one of my dads belts stilled wrapped around her arm. Ive helped her to bed when she couldn't walk. Ive made her food when she couldn't stand. Ive run errands for her when she couldn't wake up. We never had much. The house was always a mess. But…she was always there for me. She got me gifts for christmas, she made me meals when she could and shared them with me. She….read me to sleep at night, on the nights that she could. She woke me up and spent the morning with me singing and dancing while we made breakfast and cleaned.” I smiled looking down and kneeling down laying a hand on her stone, remembering the good times with my mother.
“Our nights were always filled with…Dinner, movies, popcorn and laughter all over the couch. And finally my dad would get home and he’d…” I paused, choking up a little as I thought about some of my fondest memories when I still had…my family.
“…He’d come in and walk over to us and…kiss our foreheads, turn on some music and we’d dance all night. Laughing…smiling…” They were all there then. All the guys were surrounding me, each a hand wrapped around me somewhere, Kellin the closest obviously. I laid my head on his shoulder and laid a hand on Jacks face next to me and just let myself break. This final break. The last of the negative black in my soul washing away.
They stood then giving me some space as I laid a Flower on the ground for her. Orchid, her favorite. I looked over then and saw Veronica walking over. She decided she was going to let me and the guys have our space for a few minutes so they could comfort me and that she would be with us soon. Her and Kellin had gone out a few hours earlier and got a whole bouquet of flowers to bring to her. She smiled at me and knelt down beside me, kissing my cheek before laying the flowers on her grave.
“Thank you for having such an amazing, heartfelt daughter. I don't know where I would be right now without her. Literally. Rest in peace gorgeous.” She said like she's known her her whole life and kissed her hand, laying it on the top of the stone that was my mothers final resting place.
Kellin was behind me again, carefully pulling my hair behind my ear and pet the rest of my hair as it fell down my back. I closed my eyes and smiled. I was so glad my family was here for me.
“Thank you guys. I love you all.” I said and stood back up. Kellin took my hand and kissed my cheek, leaving with the others as I asked them if I could have a few minutes. I was alone then.
“Hi mom…” I said and looked around, Kellin was still walking away but he was looking over his shoulder at me, smiling and holding up a thumbs up before he turned back. I smiled and turned back to my mom.
“Its been…a bumpy road without you. Without our family. Thankfully I found another one when Dad finally lost his shit.” I said and giggled slightly.
“Im doing really good. Something amazing happened to me. I met this guy. A really really good guy. On a plane of all places. He’s in a band thats super famous and right now were on tour.” I said excitedly and felt my eyes start to well up.
“I wish you could meet him. You’d love him. I wish I could share this whole life with you. You've missed a lot. Even the show of me and dad, that traveling homeless people…” I said and shook my hand.
“I wish you would have stayed clean for us. Stayed with us at all. Im lucky I found a mother who took care of me from all angles let alone one at all. Her names Dottie. She's an amazing woman. Not saying you weren’t. I hope you remember that i’m always going to be your baby girl.” I was bubbling over, tears spilling down my cheeks as I looked up to the cloudy sky, breathing shakily.
“Things might not have been the best, but just know that you made me part of who I am today. Im thankful for the love you gave me. For the future that your mistakes gave me. For the strength to make my own life for myself. Your greatest regret was my greatest success.” I said and looked forward at nothing in particular. Just trying not to break down although, I guess, of all places, this would be the place to do it.
“I hope that when I have kids I’m able to give them what you gave me. Everything. Even when I don't have it… Thank you mom. I love you.”
The wind blew around me and as I looked up to the sky once more to relax, the clouds broke apart and a single ray of sun shone down onto me, warming my face and the breeze blew gracefully along my cheeks and my arms, feeling like kisses. I smiled and breathed in deeply, letting it out slow as I felt a hand in mine. I opened my eyes and looked over at a smiling Kellin who reached over and brushed away my tears with his thumb.
“You feeling ok?” He asked softly and I nodded, smiling at the heaven that was my life now. My everything. Kellin was that. Kellin was the only person in this world besides Dottie that encouraged me to move forward, to do good things. To do things that made me happy, and still supported me while doing them. I looked back down to my moms grave and smiled thinking about how far I've come. Of my past experiences being washed away by the color Black and everything that had anything to do with it. Even my mother. Her Black past and our moments of family love in the Black of the night.
Black was my savior. In every single way.
“Yeah.” I said and turned to him, kissing his cheek. “Ive never been better.” I said and we walked away. I looked back once smiling as brightly as I could before whispering back to her.
“Thank you mommy.” And I walked away feeling better than I had my whole life with Kellin by my side, kissing my cheek as we walked to our Black future.