Devil, yet an Angel

I woke up the next day with the biggest headache in the whole hangover's history. I couldn't remember everything that happened the previous night, but most of it was perfectly clear. And I absolutely hated myself for what I've done. I acted like a cruel jerk. That was so unlike me, I couldn't believe I've even thought about doing it. Fortunately, I woke up alone in my bed meaning the guy was already gone.

I could perfectly remember how wasted I was. I remembered feeling horny and seeing that hot guy in the crowd. I walked in his direction and started flirting with him. I had an horrible plan in mind. I took that guy to my place because I wanted to make Alex suffer. I wanted him to be sad, I wanted to hurt him so bad by sleeping with a guy that wasn't him. And it worked.

I had a freaking one night stand to hurt someone I was supposed to care about. Alex may have hurt me, I still cared about him. I can't believe that alcohol made me do that. At the same time, I couldn't put all the blame on alcohol. You still can be concious of your actions even when you're drunk. I can't believe that a part of was so determinated to break Alex's heart. I couldn't believe that I turned into a jerk for a night.

I messed up. Why did I have to do that? Where did that stupid idea of making him suffer as much as I did came from? Did I really think that it would make me feel better when I would wake up? I did enjoy seeing his hurt expression when I got home, but I didn't enjoy it anymore. Alex didn't deserve that.

I thought he was a jerk. He wasn't. I was. Alex made a mistake and it hurt. He realized his mistake and he apologized. He said he wanted me and that he was sorry. He said that he was ready to do anything to win me back. And me? I slept with a guy to hurt him. I ruined all the chances we had to ever be together. Not only did I ruin that, I also ruined our friendship and everything that we have been sharing since we met.

I hear noise coming from the kitchen. I also heard crying. Alex was in the kitchen crying because of me. I didn't want to face him, but I had to. I knew apologizing wouldn't erase the pain I caused him, but that was the least I could do. I knew he wouldn't forgive me, I knew he would hate me. But he couldn't hate myself more than I hated myself for my actions.

I stood up from my bed and headed to the kitchen. As soon as Alex saw me, he went to leave. He didn't want to be around me and I couldn't blame him. I grabbed his wrist and he pushed me away. He was crying, he truly was hurt.

''Please Alex, I just want to talk,'' I begged.

He nodded and sat back on the kitchen chair. I sat on the chair that was the further from his. I knew he didn't want me near him and I respected that.

''I-I hate you Jack,'' he replied. ''I freaking hate you.''

''I know Alex, I can't blame you. I hate myself even more. I-I'm so sorry that I hurt you, Alex. I-I don't what I was thinking. I'm a jerk,'' I said sadly. I was on the verge of tears.

Alex just cried even more. It was so painful to watch him suffer that badly. It was all my fault. I can't believe that I thought I would enjoy seeing him cry. I went to grab his hand, but he removed it before I could touch it. He was disgusted by me.

''D-Don't touch me,'' he replied. ''I d-don't want you to touch me,Jack.''

''Okay...'' I said.

He took a deep breath before he spoke again. This was clearly difficult for him. There were so many things he needed to say, and he said them all at once.

''Why d-did you do that? You wanted to make me suffer? Well, g-good job Jack, you did it. You broke me. I-I know that I haven't been okay with you, but what you did is so much worst. I-I thought you liked me. But you don't. You hate me s-so much that you decided to sleep with another guy to ruin me. You were so enjoying it Jack. I-I could hear everything and you knew it. You wanted to break my heart, and you d-did,'' Alex said, holding a mix of sadness and anger.

''I'm an asshole. I know. I'm not asking you to forgive me. I can't even forgive myself so I'm not expecting you to do so. I just wanted to apologize. I know that nothing I'm going to say will make it better. I'm just so sorry Alex. I'm an horrible person for wanting to cause you pain. But I regret it, I regret it more than anything because I like you,'' I said.

''Shut up with your nice words Jack. You clearly don't like me. If you had liked me, you wouldn't have done what you did and I wouldn't be in pain...and I wouldn't have done this to myself,'' he mentionned crying.

He raised the sleeves of his hoodie, revealing his arms covered with fresh cuts. That was too much. I couldn't contain the tears anymore. I made Alex self-harmed. If only I had known.

''A-Alex...W-why?'' I asked sadly.

''Because I-I lost everything. My family h-hates me. My new friends hate me for what I-I've done to you. Y-you hate me and you ruined me. Everything I once had is g-gone. Y-You were all I had left. I-I trusted you and you broke me. I-I have nothing anymore. I don't want to feel a thing anymore,'' he answered.

''I-I'm sorry...'' I replied crying.

I couldn't stay near him any longer. I locked myself in my room and laid in my bed. I cried and I cried. The monster I am caused Alex to hurt himself. I made him reach his lowest point. All I could think about was the large amount of scars on his arms. I hoped they were the only one. I hoped he stopped there. I couldn't leave with myself.

I wrote Alex a letter. He would read it and he would never hear about me anymore. I didn't deserve to be part of his life.

Dear Alex,

I can't even put into words how sorry I am. I never meant for this to happen. I wish I could turn back time. I never wanted to cause you so much pain. I never wanted you to cut your perfect body. I didn't want to hurt you at that point. I regret it with everything that I have in me. It's something that I'll have to leave with everyday for the rest of my life. I'll never be able to forgive myself.

You'll never hear of me ever again, Alex. I don't deserve to be part of your life. By the time you're reading this, I'll be gone. Please, don't look for me even though I doubt you would. You'll live an happy life without me. I'll never cause you any more misery.

I wish you an amazing life, Alex. I wish you a life that I won't be part of. I wished we haven't met. I wish we haven't met because we wouldn't be in this situation right now. You wouldn't be in pain. You would be happy if I haven't been part of your life. I'm sorry that I had to be your roommate. I'm sorry for everything. There are so many things I wish I didn't do. I never meant to do those things to you.

Maybe you'll be able to forgive someday. But I'll ever be able to forgive myself. I'm a monster, a selfish and horrible monster who caused so much pain to one of the greatest human beings. Someone like you doesn't deserve to hurt. You deserve so many great things.

As I said, don't look for me. I'm not worth it. I'll be somewhere where you can't find me. I'll be somewhere where I won't hurt you anymore. I won't hurt anyone else where I'll be. We'll both be happier and it will be for the best.

Never forget that you're an amazing person, Alex. I wish you nothing but the best. I hope thatt you'll succeed in the music industry. I hope that you'll find love,that you''ll get married and that you'll have your own little family with beautiful children. I hope that you'll grow old and happy, without me. I hope that you'll chase all of your wildest dreams. I want you to have the life that you deserve.

I'm sorry that it has to end this way and I'm sorry that I hurt you,

Jack.

The tears never stopped as I was writing those few words. I rewrote the letter thrice, wanting it to be perfect. I realized it was useless and that it would never be perfect. Alex probably wouldn't read it all the way when he'd realize the letter was from me.

I grabbed an old backpack and put some stuff in it: a shirt, my iPod, my cellphone and my wallet. I didn't need much. All my other stuff was useless. I grabbed a jacket and left my room.

Alex was asleep on the couch. I quietly placed the letter on the table next to him. I didn't want him to wake up. I took one last look at his beautiful face. I would never see it again. I would never see Alex again, that's how things needed to be. I wouldn't hurt him anymore.

With that, I left the appartment and didn't look back. I wasn't coming back. It was for the best. I had somewhere else to be, a place where people like me should be. If you were me, you would have done the same. I didn't want to live with guilt any longer. I didn't even want to be here anymore.