Devil, yet an Angel

Alex's P.O.V.

I couldn't believe what Jack did to me. I couldn't believe that the sweet and loving guy I fell for could turn into a monster whose goal was to hurt me. I couldn't believe that he brought some guy to our apartment so he could break my heart in thousands tiny pieces.

What I did to him was unfair, but what he did to me was twenty times worst. I thought we both liked each other. I knew I lost Jack's trust, but I was ready to do anything to win it back. But he had to ruin everything, he had to break me more than I already was.

I can't well express how painful it was to watch him making out with that guy. It was so painful to see that Jack was enjoying it. It broke me to see him smile when he saw my sad expression. He had planned this and he was happy that his plan worked.

And then came the loud noises of pleasure and extasy. Jack knew I could hear everything from my bedroom, but he didn't care. I could hear his loud moans ans groans. It was so painful to hear him being pleasured by some boy who wasn't me. I should have been the one pleasuring him.

When they were finally done, I was a sobbing mess. I was broken, empty. I felt like someone had stabbed me with thousands of tiny knives right in the heart. I felt dead and I didn't want to feel a thing anymore. I needed to do it.

I headed to the bathroom where I broke my promise. It had been years since I last did it, but there was no point to keep that promise anymore. I didn't have anyone to keep that promise for anymore. They were all gone, I had nobody.

I searched for my old friend in my drawer. I had kept it in case of emergencies, but I never had the urges to do it in years. After years of being clean, I relapsed. I had the razor blade in my hand and brought it to my arm, making a small cut. I should have stopped there, but I needed more, way more.

When I was done, both my arms were covered with fresh cuts and blood. Sone were deeper than others, some were longer than others. I couldn't tell how much there were. I just knew that the large amount of cuts was proportionnal to my amount of pain and sadness.

Loser. Ugly. Disgusting. Useless. Worthless. Stupid...good adjectives to qualify the vision I had of myself. I didn't see any good in me. Good people don't deserve to get hurt that much. I realized I must be an horrible person for Jack to hurt me the way he did.

I didn't stop because I knew nobody would be disappointed in me. Nobody cared about me anymore. I knew Jack would be happy. He would see my arms and he would be proud of himself for causing that to the weak and pathetic Alex Gaskarth. I cleaned up the blood the blood that was on the floor along with the one on my arms. They were covered in it.

When I was done, I went in the living room to watch TV. I didn't want to sleep, I was too scared of the nightmares I would have and the voices that would hunt me. One of my favorite movie was playing, but I couldn't find myself enjoying it. Everytime I watched that movie in the past, I would laugh out loud. But there was no point of laughing at the moment. I was lost in my thoughts, I couldn't get Jack out of mind.

Half through the movie, I heard a door opened. The guy Jack brought home got out of Jack's room fully dressed thankfully. I looked at him and wondered what Jack found attractive about him. He was tall, muscular, tanned...everything that I wasn't. No doubt that Jack wanted to have his way with him. He was perfect while I was a total ugly loser.

The guy left our apartment, not even caring to look at me. He got what he wanted and he left. All he wanted from Jack was sex while I wanted everything about Jack. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be his confident. I wanted to hug me, to kiss him. I wanted to fall asleep next to him every night. I wanted to make love to him. I wanted him to be mine while he treated me like a big piece of shit.

When the movie ended, I headed back to my room. I didn't catch any sleep, I didn't want to. It would only make things worst. So I spent the rest of the night, wide awake in bed, having horrible thoughts in my head. They were like awaken nightmares. They wouldn't go away. I stayed in bed until 11AM. I was starving. I knew food would only make me fatter, but who would care if I got fat or not?

I headed to the kitchen where I grabbed a bowl and poured some cereals into it. I sat at the table, eating as fast as I could. It was kind of a difficult thing to do since I was crying. I wasn't ready to face Jack, I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I knew seeing his face would only make things worst. I didn't want to see the proud look on his face.

My hopes died when I heard his door opened. I didn't want to stay there. Just seeing his face made me want to die. So I stood up and went to leave but he was fast to grab my wrist. His touch made me want to die so I pushed him away.

''Please Alex, I just want to talk,'' he asked. He wasn't wearing the proud and happy look I expected to see.

I didn't want to stay, but I knew Jack enough to know that he wouldn't take no for an answer. So I nodded and sat back on my chair, telling him the first words that came to my mind.

''I-I hate you Jack,'' I said. ''I freaking hate you,''

And then the conversation went on. He felt guilty, but he sould have thought about it before. He tried to touch me multiple times, but I wouldn't let him. We were both crying. I didn't understand why he was crying since he was reponsible for all of this. I didn't want to hear his apologizes, I didn't believe a single word of them.

I wanted to punch him when he said that he liked me. You don't go hurt someone like that when you like them. He was a massive liar. What he meant was hate, not like. Because he couldn't like me. Not after what he did.

I saw guilt on his face and I wanted to make him feel guiltier. So I raised my sleeves, revealing my arms covered in fresh cuts.

''A-Alex...W-Why?'' He asked as if he cared. He was the one responsible for this.

''Because I-I lost everything. My family h-hates me. My new friends hate me for what I-I've done to you. Y-you hate me and you ruined me. Everything I once had is g-gone. Y-You were all I had left. I-I trusted you and you broke me. I-I have nothing anymore. I don't want to feel a thing anymore,'' I answered. The words came out so easily.

''I-I'm sorry...'' Jack replied crying. He left the kitchen to lock himself in his room. He left me on my own again, he was getting so good at that.

I was exhausted. I knew I would regret it, but I needed to catch some sleep. I opted for short nap on the couch. I didn't want to be in my room where all my demons were. I needed an open area, I didn't want to feel trapped. I kept crying until I fell asleep.

I can't tell how long I've slept, but I felt a little better when I awoke. I looked around me and there were no signs of Jack. The door to his room was open meaning he wasn't in there. He wasn't in the bathroom or in the kitchen either. He must have had better places to be. He must have left to meet with his friends.

Then, I noticed an unfamiliar piece of paper on the table next to me. I grabbed it and realized it was a letter from Jack, I recognized his horrible hand writting. I knew I would regret reading this letter, but curiosity won over rationnality.

I was a sobbing mess when I ended up reading his letter. I was first angry when I read the first paragraph where he tried to apologize and tell me how much he regret what he did. He still did it. I had enough of his apologies. But the tone of the letter changed after that paragraph.

I was worried sick. Most of all, I was scared. Jack's words scared me. What did he mean when he said that he won't hurt anyone else where he'll be? What did he mean when he said that he'll be gone? What did he mean when he said that he'll be somewhere where I can't find him? Why was he so mysterious?

It then all made sense to me. Suicide. That was a suicide note. Jack wanted to kill himself. I knew he was vulnerable, I shouldn't have tried to make him feel that guilty. I pushed him to the verge of suicide. I didn't know when he left the apartment. Maybe he was already dead. I didn't him want him to be. I hated him, but I still loved him. The last thing I wanted was for him to kill himself. It couldn't be right.

I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. It went straight to his voicemail. He had changed his voicemail message:

Hey you've reached the voicemail of Jack, I can't take your call for the moment, probably never will, so don't bother in leaving a message. If this is Alex, I'm sorry. BEEEP.

I decided to leave a message, I felt like my nerves were about to explode.

''Jack, please pick up. D-Don't do something stupid p-please. P-Please come back home, we can talk about this. Please Jack, don't do this,'' I said.

It probably was too late, but I couldn't give up just then. I needed to find him, and I needed help. So I dialed Rian's number. Maybe he knew where Jack was.

''Alex?''Rian answered.

''R-Rian, I-I need your help. It's J-Jack. I t-think he's g-going to kill himself. We n-need to find him, Rian. P-Please h-help me,'' I replied.

''Okay Alex, calm down. I'm outside our apartment building, meet me as soon as possible. We'll look for him,'' Rian replied calmly.

''Thanks. I'm coming,'' I replied.

I didn't bother changing my dirty clothes, there was no time for that. I grabbed my wallet and rushed to the elevator. I hoped we weren't too late. I hoped Jack wasn't already gone like he said in his letter. I couldn't lose him that way.

Like he promised, Rian was waiting for me. I rushed to him and took him in a hug. I needed comfort. I wasn't okay.

''What happened Alex? Where's Jack?'' Rian asked.

''I don't know. Long story short, we had a fight this morning. I took a small nap and when I woke up, I found a letter that Jack wrote me. It was a suicide note, Rian. Jack wants to die and he might be already dead and it woud be my faut. I tried to call him and he won't pick up. I'm scared Rian, we need to find him,'' I answered.

''Calm down Alex, this isn't your fault. I tried to call Alex as well, and his voicemail sure sounds scary. We'll find him okay? This won't be too late,'' Rian said.

''How are we going to find him? He could be anywhere, Rian. This city is so big!'' I replied.

''We'll go to the police station. We'll tell them the whole story and they might be able to locate Jack's phone. We don't have time to waste, let's go,'' Rian said.

We hopped in the first cab that we spotted and headed to the nearest police station. I was panicking while Rian was too calm. How could he be so calm when one of his friends was about to kill himself if that wasn't already done.?

We arrived to the police station exactly 7 minutes later. While Rian paid the driver, I rushed inside.

''Help me please,'' I begged the lady at the front desk.

''Wait your turn, young man,'' she replied.

''Don't tell me to wait because I won't wait,'' I replied as I handed her Jack's later. ''That's a suicide note my friend left at my house earlier. He wants to kill himself and I can't find him. He won't answer his phone. I need to find him so he doesn't kill himself. So no, I won't wait.''

The woman nodded and grabbed her Woki Toki.

''Agent Perry? We have a code 53. It's an emergency,'' the lady said.

''Coming,'' a man I guessed was Agent Perry replied.

As Rian finally joined me, an officer also joined us.

''I'm Agent Perry, what's the emergency?'' he asked.

So I told him the whole story about how Jack wrote this letter and how he was nowhere to be found. If I had to tell the story one more time, I would have exploded.

''Do you know his phone number? We can try to locate him,'' Agent Perry asked.

''Yes, it's eum, 260-535-7539,'' I answered.

The agent nodded as he entered the number in the system.

''Seems like your friend is at the top of the Hilton building on Main Avenue,'' Agent Perry said.

The Hilton building was the highest building in town meaning that Alex wanted to jump from there.

''Can you take us there, please?'' I pleaded.

''Yes, follow me,'' he replied.

Rian and I followed him to his car. Thankfully, we weren't far away from Main Avenue. I was nervous and scared. It only got worst when we reached the Hilton building. It was crowded and everybody seemed to be panicking. Shit. Maybe Jack already jumped?

I got out of Agent Perry's car and spotted a small silhouette at the top of the building I recognized as Jack's. He was on the verge of the building, he could have jumped at any moment. I didn't waste time, I had to stop him.

Guards tried to stop me from entering the building but I pushed them away. I had a job to do. Jack's destiny was in my own hands. I got into the elevator and pressed the button that would take me to the roof.