Devil, yet an Angel

The elevator was as fast as an injured turtle. Those seconds spent in there would have been enough for Jack to jump from the building and crash on the ground. Jack could have killed himself while I was in that elevator. I prayed that he didn't. I didn't want him to die. After all the problems and the drama that happened between us, I still needed him in my life.

Fortunately, when I reached the roof, Jack was still there, standing on the edge. One step and he would have fallen all the way down to meet his death. I couldn't let that happen, I needed to stop it because I wouldn't have been able to live with myself knowing that the cause of Jack's death was our disagreement. I was the reason why Jack wanted to kill himself.

There were all sorts of noises. I could hear people screaming and panicking. I could hear the sound of sirens meaning there were police officers down there. But most of all, I could hear the heartbreaking sound of Jack's desperate sobs.

He was a few feet away from me. I had to be careful so I wouldn't scare him and make him fall. This was a risky situation, but only me could stop him. As I walked closer to him, I could hear him speak, like some sort of prayer. It was a last goodbye he didn't want anybody to hear, he didn't want me to hear it. It only reminded me of his letter, this letter full of desperation, sadness and guilt.

''I-I'm sorry that I hurt you, Alex. I wish I could take away all of the pain I put you through, and the best way to do so if for me to disappear. The best to stop hurting you and other people is to leave this world for a place where monster like me belong. I-I'm going to miss you, Alex. But life will b-be easier without me...So, farewell Alex. Farewell everybody,'' Jack said, withtout noticing me.

''P-Please don't jump, Jack,'' I begged loud enough for him to hear me.

He turned around and seemed surprised to see me there. I couldn't tell if he was happy I was there, I couldnt read his pained expression. The guy in front of me, I didn't know him. I thought I had seen Jack as his lowest when his brother died and when I made the mistake to go back to Zack. But I was wrong. This right there was Jack at his lowest, at the bottom of desperation and misery.

I felt heartbroken and empty. It was a nightmare, this was real. This wasn't supposed to happen. Jack wasn't supposed to be up here. He looked like he went nights without any hour of sleep. He looked depressed, sad. He looked miserable.

''A-Alex?'' Jack wondered sadly. I was wishing he would run to me, take me in his arms, cry in my arms...anything. But he didn't move. He stayed right there at the edge of his death.

''Yes Jack, it's me,'' I answered. ''P-Please don't d-do this.''

''I-I need to, Alex. I-It's for the best. G-Go away, I-I don't want you to see t-this,'' Jack replied.

''It's not for the best J-Jack. Please stay, f-for me. I n-need you,'' I begged sadly.

''S-So I could hurt you even more? So I could cause you even more pain? No, Alex. I-I can't stay. I-I don't derserve to live anymore. I don't deserve to be in the same room as you. I don't deserve to breathe the same air as you. I don't deserve anything. I-I deserve to die. The w-world will be a better place without me,'' Jack replied hysterically.

I wouldn't wish this kind of situation to anyone, not even to my worst ennemy. It's the worst thing that could happen to you, the most painful of all things. Just think about it. Imagine seeing someone you care of threatening to kill himself in front of you, because of you, for you. Imagine seeing the pain and desperation in their face. Imagine how vulnerable and useless you would feel. Imagine that you would be the only one who could stop them. Imagine that you could lose them at any moment. Imagine that this could be the end.

''It w-would hurt me even more if you died, J-Jack. I don't w-want you to d-die. Please, Jack, Please,'' I begged, crying my eyes out.

''N-no, Alex. Y-You don't mean that. Y-You'll be happy once I'm gone. Nobody will hurt you anymore. I won't hurt you anymore,'' Jack replied. ''Please g-go away so I can end it all. You'll g-go back to your normal life. It'll be l-like I've n-never existed.''

''But I mean it. Fuck J-Jack, I-I need you, okay? I freaking need you. I know that you hurt me, like I hurt you. I understand that you can feel guilty. B-but that doesn't mean I want you g-gone. That doesn't mean t-that I don't care about you anymore. I care. I freaking care and I don't hate you. W-We can go through this Jack. We can w-work this out together, one step at a time. I need you to say, for me. When I read your letter, I was afraid that it was already to late, that you were already gone. But you are not, you're still here. I-It doesn't have to end this way. P-Please take my hand and we'll get through this together,'' I begged.
''What if I hurt you again? What if I make you self-harm again? What if I make your life even more miserable? I-I don't want to hurt you again Alex, I don't want to cause you more pain. I'm doing this because I care about you, because I like you and I'm doing what's b-best for both of us,'' Jack replied.

''I understand, but t-this is wrong J-Jack. If you l-leave this world, it won't be for the b-best because I'll lose someone I c-care of. We had our issues, but we'll g-get through this. We'll fight t-together like warriors. And I can't f-fight on my own. I need you to fight with me, I need you by my side. I just n-need you Jack,'' I said desperately.

''I-I can't Alex. I wish I could but I can't. Not after everything that I've done, I just can't. I don't deserve your forgivness, your attention or your sweet words. I deserve your hate, I deserve your anger. So just give them to me and make this easier f-for everyone,'' Jack replied.

I didn't know what else I could say. I felt like whatever I would say, it wouldn't be enough. I felt like whatever I would say, Jack would end up killing himself. I was scared and at a high level of panic. And then, three littles words flashed into my mind. Three little words that could change everything for the best or for the worst.

Even though the nasty things Jack and I did to each other, I meant those three little words. I couldn't deny how I felt about Jack. I couldn't deny that he was the one person I needed the most. I couldn't deny that he was the one person who made me feel the most incredible things. But he was also the one who made me feel the worst.

But I knew we could work this out if he gave it a chance. I knew things would get better if we gave them a chance to. Those three little words were my one very last hope. This was all or nothing. And I prayed for all.

''I love you,'' I said.

''You w-what?'' Jack wondered sadly.

''I l-love you Jack Barakat. And don't tell me I'm lying. I know how I feel about you, and I l-love you,'' I answered.

''H-How can you love a monster like me?'' he asked sadly.

''You're not a monster, Jack. We've both acted l-like idiots. L-Love can make you do unexplainable things. Love is weird, but it's special. I'm not p-prentending that it's going to b-be easy, but t-thing will get better. T-Things are always b-better when you're with me, I answered.

For minutes, Jack looked from me then to the precipice. He was making his mind. I confused him and it was a good thing. For minutes, he was thinking about what was best for him and for us. He was chosing wheter he should jump and never comer or come to me and live.

For minutes, I was anxious and sad. Jack could have jumped at anytime and I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I was hoping he would realize that suicide wasn't an option and that things could get better. I was hoping that we would pick me over death.

When he finally reached a decision, a mix of emotions raced into my body: stress, sadness, anxiety, but mostly, happiness and reassurance. He decided that life was more worth it than death. He had made the right decision.

He ran to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. He was crying, he was so vulnerable. I caressed his back and hair to comfort him a little. He was safe into my arms. I started crying even more than I already was. But most of all, I was relieved.

''I-I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry. I'm s-sorry that I've let you d-down,'' Jack apologized.

''It's okay Jack, you're okay now. We are g-going to be okay from n-now on,'' I replied.

And we hugged until we were both done crying and shaking. We hugged until we both felt safe enough. We hugged until we knew that we were okay.

''Did you mean it when you said that you loved me?'' Jack asked timidly.

''Yeah I did. And with time, things will be okay and better for us. We have a lot of work to do, but I know we can do it. We're both strong, and we'll be even stronger together,'' I answered.

Jack nodded. He understood what I meant. By saying the three crucial words, that didn't make us a couple. It was a way to give us hope for the future. It was a way to convince ourselves that not everything was ruined and that we would find back happiness.

I lightly pecked Jack's lips. We both needed it. We both needed it as a promise of a new beggining, as a promise that, in the end, we would be fine. And I knew that we would be fine.

''C-Can we go home, please?'' Jack asked weakly.

''Yes,'' I replied.

I grabbed Jack's hand and we got into the elevator. Half an hour before, I was in that same elevator hoping that I would be able to save Jack's life. I was nervous and horrified at the idea that he could be dead. Gladly, I saved him. And by saving him, I saved myself.

When we got outside of the hotel, there were journalists and medias everywhere. Rian was still there and was relieved. He didn't ask questions though, he knew it wasn't the time and palce for that. People were clapping and cheering. I wanted them to leave us alone. I led Jack into the massive crowd of people where people congratulated me and called me a hero. I wasn't a hero, I didn't want to be one.

Jack and I walked back to our apartment building. I didn't question myself wheter I should go back to Rian's place or if I should go back to Jack's and mine. Option two was the right choice, we both needed each other. That's why we fell asleep next to each other, too scared the other one would go away.

That day probably was the most exhausting and horrible day of my life. That day, I almost lost a special someone. That day, I realized that you need to hold to the things you have because you can lose them at anytime. I almost lost Jack that day. I promised myself to hold on to him as long as I could.