Watch Me Fade

Jeremiah and I wondered through the neighborhood toward his friend’s apartment. A bunch of Jeremiah’s friends were supposed to be smoking over there and he invited me to join them. I agreed. When we walked up everyone was standing in a circle, I waved hello, then stood next to two girls I had never met. Jeremiah walked over to his friends and stood by them. They had already started smoking; someone’s pipe was making it around to everyone at a pretty fast pace. Someone on the other side packed another bowl and sent that pipe in the opposite direction. They both reached me at the same time. Quickly pulling smoke in from one, then the other, I passed them along. Exhaling slowly and coughing.

After the pipes had both been around a few times and someone was rolling a rather large blunt I decided I should leave. It had been a long day of running around town and trying to stay dry. I walked over to Jeremiah to tell him I was leaving; he promptly stepped out of the circle. “Do you have to?” He smiled, no one seemed to notice him leaving or flirting with me.

“Yeah, I should get home. My mom is probably worried that I didn’t come home last night.” I shrugged, that wasn’t true, I’m sure my mother didn’t care. I just didn’t want to keep smoking with a bunch of people I didn’t know.

“Can I come over later?” He asked, the smile on his face growing as he did. He tried to pull me close, but I promptly moved out of his reach.

“No, I don’t know.” I paused, “I’ll call you, okay?”

“Okay.” He sighed, “See ya, I guess.” He walked back to the circle and didn’t give me another glance. I turned away, for some reason I felt overwhelmed with sadness. Maybe I should’ve said yes, so I could have some company. But I didn’t know if I really wanted any in the first place. I started to cry, the loneliness and confusion was too much for me to handle right now.

I rubbed the sleeves of my sweater against my cheeks to wipe away the tears and started walking home. I felt heavy, my body wanted to float away but my feet were keeping me on the ground. I couldn’t understand how my head could feel so light when it was burdened with my thoughts. I was moving methodically, the high was leaving me groggy and calm. The calm scared me. Being calm was unfamiliar.

I thought back to when I was little and the simplicity that being a child had brought me. I remember being afraid to stay home without my mother and now I couldn’t keep her away long enough. I sighed; loving people was so hard these days. I had too many secrets to keep people around. I lit a cigarette and sat down; walking and thinking weren’t good for me. I realized that doing all of the things I was doing weren’t good for me either, but I didn’t know how to handle myself anymore. Not since the incident, not since that night.

I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but the sun had gone down and the street lights were flickering. I started to panic at the thought of being alone in the dark. My apartment was only a five minute walk from where I was. But I wasn’t sure if being home was really better than being alone out here. I started walking anyways, knowing that I’d been gone for too long already. The five minutes home were cold, I was shivering when I opened the door. I walked in quietly, seeing my mother asleep on the couch. I let out a sigh of relief and went to my room.

We lived in an apartment complex, eight apartments to a building. Too many people, in my opinion. The layout of our apartment wasn’t much to see; a simple one bedroom, one bath. There was a small kitchen attached to a small living room and a hallway that led to the bedroom. Mom and I shared our room, but there was only one bed, so she usually slept on the couch. I was grateful for that. I walked into the bathroom and examined myself in the mirror. There wasn’t much to see when it came to me either. I was covered in dirt, my blonde hair tangled with leaves and grass. My green eyes swollen and tired, with mascara runs down my cheeks. I ran the water and started to clean myself up. “Stupid Alice.” I said to my reflection. I hated it. I hated myself.

I started combing my hair, pulling leaves out as I went along. My attempts at erasing the events of the day were futile. I was still high and not very motivated. After a while I gave up and went to my room, I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to be home, rolling over I grabbed my phone and checked my messages. There weren’t any, but I wasn’t really expecting there to be. It was okay too, I’d just about driven every person I cared about, out of my life. It’s where they were safe, where I couldn’t hurt them.

I heard the front door open and close, so I got out of bed and yelled for my mom. When there was no answer I opened my bedroom door and peered out, “Hello?” I walked into the living room, the couch was empty. “Okay then.” I whispered and walked back to my room. I went through my bag grabbing things as I went , my pipe, my weed, and my notebook. I sat down on my bed, I leaned over and turned on the radio and then hit the pipe hard. I exhaled and watched as my room filled with smoke. Sitting there I realized I didn’t want to be alone tonight, so I picked up my phone and dialed Jeremiah’s number. It rang once before I heard a sweet “Hello.”

“Hey, my mom just took off and I want company. Wanna come over?” I started packing another bowl. Jeremiah was my friend; we didn’t do much aside from fool around. We never went anywhere together, or said too much. He was just my friend..with benefits. I don’t know how it happened, but it turned into me inviting him over, we’d smoke, sometimes drink, but we would always end up in my bed. I didn’t really know how I felt about it, or him. I actually thought he had a girlfriend, but he never brought it up, so I didn’t either.

“Yeah, I’ll be there. Do you need anything?” He sounded a bit out of breathe, and I thought I heard a girl in the background.

“No, just come over.” I hung up without saying good-bye and took a hit. It was nine-thirty; I figured if my mom was leaving at this hour, she wouldn’t be back until Dawn. I had time to mess around.
It only took Jeremiah ten minutes to get to my house, and I was pretty high when I opened the door. He didn’t hesitate, before he was even inside, he kissed me and started undressing me with his eyes. This often made me sick to my stomach, but I guess that’s what the weed is for. I gave him a long suggestive kiss and led him back to my room.

When we got back to my room he started unbuttoning my jeans, kissing my neck, and unraveling me in all the right ways. And I let him. I let him have me. After we were finished he rolled over and lit a cigarette. “Classy,” I grinned as I took it from him. “So what do you plan on doing for the rest of the night?”

“What time is it?” He asked. His eyes were closed, He was getting too comfortable.

“It’s almost eleven.” I took another drag and gestured for him to take the cigarette.

He took a long, slow drag off the cigarette. “Why can’t I just stay here?” He asked as he exhaled. He seemed annoyed. I sighed, he knew why he couldn’t stay, I got up and put on some shorts. “Seriously, what’s so wrong with that?”

“We’ve talked about this,” I said. “Why are you even asking?” I threw him his pants and pulled a tank top over my head. “Jeremiah, this is what it is because you don’t stay the night.”

“What is wrong with you Alice? What are you so afraid of?” I flinched at the question. It’s something I often asked myself. He was up and zipping his pants now.

“Just go, please.” I lit another cigarette while he stood there looking at me in disbelief. “I’m serious. This isn’t anything more than sex, and I don’t want you staying here. I threw his shirt at him, he grabbed his shoes and left. “Bye.” I whispered, as I watched him close my front door behind him. Suddenly, I felt so alone I could cry.

After watching him leave I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I knew there was something wrong with me, even if I felt like it was just my existence. I tried to be strong, but holding back the tears was getting harder every day. I walked back to my room and grabbed my box of supplies; a razor, Neosporin, and bandages. I opened the box and grabbed the razor; I told my reflection that I was a monster. A horrid, disgusting bitch, because that’s how I felt. Then I took off my clothes, and stepped in to the shower.

I didn’t even wait until all of my hair was wet before I started to slice myself open. I started with my arms, but moved to my thighs. I left myself bleeding and curled up on the shower floor. I didn’t want to move, I didn't want to breathe. I thought that maybe I could just stay here under the water forever.

For a while I thought that I actually could, I didn’t move for such a long time that I thought I was actually bleeding out. I was there until the water ran cold and I was shivering. Once I decided to stand up and get out of the shower, I realized my legs didn’t want to support me. I crawled, naked, back to my room, onto my bed, and under my blankets; where I was safe.