Watch Me Fade

I try not to look back at things too often; all it does is make me miserable. So when my mother asked why my room reeked of booze and weed, I replied with “I have no idea.” It’s best to forget, or at least deny temporarily until you can come up with a better excuse. For me, I’d like to deny everything that I’ve done in the last couple of years. All of it was things I regret doing. Maybe not the drugs, but I know I regret the sex. Over the last couple of years I’ve had enough sex with enough men, for people to spread some pretty nasty words about me. At least nobody knows about all of that. I’m sure it’d be bad if they did, not that being around people is easy anyways. I hate most of them; Jeremiah is an exception to that. But even he is starting to get on my nerves a bit. Relationships are too messy.
Mom left after a bit of arguing. She didn’t believe anything that I had to say, so she walked away angry and slammed the door behind her. I didn’t care too much, if she was angry she would stay out longer. I finished my breakfast and went to my room to get dressed. After the damage I did to my legs last night, I wasn’t sure I could wear jeans. I went through my things, the only pants I had were skinny jeans, sweats, and a pair of plaid pajama pants. I decided to just wear my pajama pants, and a black tank top. I left the house with my bag, a sweater, and fifty bucks: I had every intention of living this day to the fullest. I was buying some pills, some weed, and possibly a cheap bottle of vodka. I didn’t want to remember who I was.
I walked down the street until I got to the corner, and took a right. Walking up to Katie’s door, I knocked three times and a small girl with big brown eyes, and long brown hair answered. She was petite, but had a beautiful hour glass figure. Her pale skin accented her dark eyes, hair, and almost plum colored lips. She was gorgeous; it was hard not to stare.
Everyone I knew had thought about getting with Katie, she was by far the cutest girl in the neighborhood. She wasn’t single though, and everyone was terrified of Chris, her boyfriend. He was the biggest dealer on this side of town. The only time I ever came over here was when I needed something a bit stronger than weed, and someone to buy me booze. They liked me, so it was pretty easy for me to get what I needed for free, or relatively cheap. I walked inside and sat down, “Where’s Chris?” I asked.
“He’s upstairs. Why? Are you looking to buy something?” She sat down on the love seat across from me, and smiled, weakly. It was well known that Katie didn’t agree with these things. She had been very vocal about her dislike for drugs, and Chris being involved in anything illegal.
“Yeah, I need something good.” I hesitated, lighting a cigarette before I continued, “and I was wondering if Chris could buy me a bottle?” I also let out a weak smile, looking down, I took another drag from my cigarette to distract myself. Chris was twenty two, and didn’t mind being the guy who did those things for people. Of course he charged a small fee, but everyone under twenty one had no problem paying it. He refused to buy booze or sell anything to anyone under eighteen though, which most people were grateful for, and he never had anything worse than pills, which I was particularly grateful for.
“Alright, I’ll see what he is doing. Give me a second.” She stood up and walked away, disappearing behind a wall. I sat there alternating my cigarette and picking lint off my pants. Hearing footsteps, I looked up in time to see Katie and Chris enter the room.
“Hey Alice, what’s up?” Chris said, winking at me. They both sat down on the love seat.
“I wanted to buy some pills, but I’m not sure what I want. I was also wondering about some bud? Do you have any?” I took another drag of my cigarette, “also wanted a bottle, some cheap vodka maybe?”
Chris sighed, “I’ve been selling a lot to you lately, you doing okay?” He didn’t look at me as he asked, he was reaching over the arm of the couch for a small box that was sitting on a table. When he finally looked at me, I could tell he was concerned. This startled me a bit, Chris and I were on talking terms but I didn’t think he cared enough to ask about my well being. I smiled and nodded. I couldn’t tell him the truth, even if we weren’t friends, I was afraid he would never sell to me again if he knew what was on my mind.
“I’m fine, just been wanting to experiment more these days, I’ve been having a lot of friends over and stuff.” I gave another quick smile and looked away to smoke more. I was hoping he wouldn’t see right through my half-assed lying. He gave me some free weed and I bought a couple of Valiums, we went to the liquor store and he picked me up a bottle of vodka.
He hesitated before letting me leave, but eventually I got away and started walking towards the park. I was glad that I lived in the vicinity of so many different people and places, it made public intoxication more interesting. Of course it was more fun when you had someone with you, but today was not the day for that.
When I got to the park I walked around for a little while before I found a good bench to sit down on. It was off the trail and hidden behind a crude amount of blackberry bushes. I thought about how I might get out of this mess after I was incoherent, but since it didn't come to me by the time I had opened the bottle, I gave up. I didn't care much anyways; The goal was to make myself numb.
I exhaled and put the bottle to my lips. I swallowed fast, the taste making me gag. I was never a good drinker; I never acquired a taste for it. I always managed to keep my liquor down but I thought it tasted like piss. There were no exceptions for this, I felt the vile liquid turning into warmth as it made its way down. Though the taste was sometimes unreasonable, it’s always worth the drunken bliss of letting your worries float away.
After three shots I decided to take a Valium, I had four, so I wasn't worried about running out before I wanted to.