Exspes

Tonight I settled to send you a letter not the first letter I wrote

I deleted that one; honestly it made me angry looking at that it.

I wrote you a new one

A letter that I’m afraid to send to you

But it’s more me, it’s the actual me not the lost me.

I hand wrote this one. I scavenged for an envelope and stuffed the letter in there.

I wrote your address down in cursive, slowly watching the purple ink move from the pen onto the paper soaking its color on to the white background

I took a deep breath as I wrote my name on the envelope I feared your rejection nonetheless I still wrote it and forced myself to walk to the mail room on campus. My heart raced e v e r y s t e p I took on my way to the mail room.

My hands were shaking as I dropped the letter on the counter.

The guy standing across from me gave me a smile I didn't return it. It wasn't the right type of smile.

It wasn't your smile.

"Is that it?"

"Yeah it is"

As soon as his hands moved to snatch the envelope from the counter I felt like my lungs were burning.The type of feeling I get when I've just finished running a marathon.

It’s too late to turn back I tell myself