The Alexander Swallowtail

Gerard had insisted we wait until dark to watch the movie, and so we’d spent a little more time going through origami books until dinner was ready. Mrs Way seemed happy that I’d joined them for dinner. She asked how my mum was, and told me to call her before we started our movie, as not to worry her. I usually wouldn’t have bothered but given the circumstances, I made a quick call home. She seemed surprised when I told her I was hanging out with Gerard, but didn’t say much more about it.

I sat in relative silence as Gerard set up his little TV in the corner of his room, pushing a pile of clothes to the side and moving a stack of comics that had been resting on top.

“You don’t watch many movies?” I asked, scooting backwards to rest my back against the wall.

“I don’t usually have the time.”

“What makes this weekend so different?”

“Well I was gonna go out. It’s complicated. I know I shouldn’t but it’s like... addicting or something.”

“Going out?”

“Not so much the going out, but the alcohol. Getting drunk. Sometimes it’s nice to slip out of my own mind for a while, you know?” I didn’t really give him an answer, just a small nod, and even that was a lie. I didn’t know what it was like to get drunk. I’d seen my mother in a bad place one too many times to deem it worthwhile. It hurt a little bit to think of Gerard in a similar place, maybe, after having too much to drink. I recalled all the times Mikey had come to school looking like he hadn’t slept, being too worried about his older brother having not come home all weekend.

“Okay, I think I got it working,” Gerard said, taking a cautious step backwards as he pressed play on the remote. The opening titles came onto the screen and Gerard smiled at his own success. “I hope you like it. It’s the best.”

Gerard turned his bedroom light off and I felt shortly afterwards as he sat down on his bed beside me, pushing me forward a moment later to stuff a few pillows behind my back.

“Thanks.”

“Why didn’t you just sit long ways on my bed?”

“I didn’t want to fall asleep.” Gerard chuckled.

“Gee, thanks for having trust in my movie judgements,” he joked, jabbing me in the side gently as I smiled.

---

I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. My hands gripped the blanket I’d stolen from where it had been resting at the end of Gerard’s bed and I was readying myself to pull it up over my eyes once more.

“This is such a good scene,” came Gerard’s whisper in my ear, which made the downy hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I was terrified. You could see what was going to happen and I didn’t want to watch it all go down.

“Gerard, this is terrifying,” I managed to get out as he laughed, mocking me by holding the blanket up to his own chin. “I’m not fucking joking I don’t know if I can watch this anymore,” I admitted, and his face softened dramatically.

“Want me to turn it off? I can just tell you what happens instead if you’d like?” I nodded my head eagerly and felt a flood of relief wash over me as Gerard turned the TV off, then came back to sit beside me. In a few sentences he gave me a rough rundown of how it ended, which was exactly as expected.

“What a horrible movie,” I said, my fingers finally loosening their grip on the blanket. “Good though, but fuck.”

The light was still off but I could just barely make out Gerard’s features from the dim light that was coming in through the gap in the curtains from the street light, the sun having set quite a while ago now. He seemed to be thinking about something, like he wanted to let whatever it was out but wasn’t sure. I knew that look. I’d been showing it a lot recently around Mikey and Clarissa. I was a little confused, however, with why Gerard was using it around me.

“Mikey told me something,” he finally blurted out.

“What did he say?”

“You can’t tell him I told you,” Gerard quickly intervened. “But I feel like I need to bring it up before it gets uhh... weird.”

“Okay?” My heart was suddenly racing a lot faster than it had been during the entire movie. I had a gut feeling I knew what he was about to say, and I was thankful he’d left the light off. I mean, I wasn’t even sure why I was embarrassed. After all, I’d never told anyone that I was dating Gerard. It wasn’t my fault if that’s what others wanted to falsely spread around.

“He told me there’s a rumour flying around at your school about how you and I are uhh... like, dating, or whatever. He said the story changes depending on who’s telling it.” I was ready for my cheeks to begin their glowing but instead, I felt as my face was drained of colour. “I mean obviously that isn’t true. Mind you, Mikey had been hard to convince otherwise...”

“What did he say about it?”

“Uhh... it doesn’t matter. Nothing bad. About you.”

“I’m tired of all the rumours. I’m tired of being known as the girl pining over Mikey. It’s funny that since he started dating Clarissa, that’s what everyone now remembers. It was never that we were a thing, it was that he never wanted me to begin with and I wouldn’t leave him alone. But it wasn’t like that.”

“I believe you.” I had Gerard’s eyes on me again. His expression was making me nervous. “It’s a good thing you’re so lovely... or people might be inclined to believe this new rumour about you, too.” His hand moved to pull at his hair and I lost his focus once more. “It doesn’t have a chance.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked, noting the clear downfall in his mood.

“Well... because people like you don’t date people like me, and vice versa. You’re a good girl. I have a reputation.” I sort of understood where he was coming from. I knew he’d have been around, and I certainly hadn’t. It wasn’t necessarily by choice, mind you, but more by circumstance. People always thought I belonged to Mikey. Like a person could belong to another. No one wanted what someone else already owned. What I didn’t understand was the way Gerard’s words had taken a direct jab at my heart. I didn’t understand why I had tears in my eyes. I didn’t understand the pain.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly, bringing his hand up to rest on my shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like you’re undesirable, or something. I just meant... well we’re two very different people. It’s important that you understand that. It’s not because of who you are. I just don’t really... date.”

“I’m just tired,” I said, moving so my back was against his pillows on the wall once more, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to face his concern.

“You can sleep here again if you want. I don’t mind taking the couch... or I can stay. It’s up to you,” he offered, and I thought on it for a moment. Mikey and I used to share a mattress all the time, and that always felt normal to me. I missed having that comfort every weekend. I almost needed it.

“I’d like to sleep here... if you stayed. It’d be nice.” I felt my face heating up as I agreed to his suggestion, daringly opening my eyes a little to catch a little smile on his lips.

“I’ll grab you something to wear.” I felt as he got up and watched his silhouette as he wandered around in the dark for clothes, stopping midway through to take his medication.

“What’s that for?” I asked, but he didn’t reply.

“I found you my boxers and an old shirt. I haven’t worn either in a while, if that helps...” He handed them to me and left the room so I could change, which I did with my eyes on the door the whole time. He was getting changed in the bathroom.

I was already under Gerard’s sheets before he came back in, closing the door gently behind himself, perhaps thinking I was already asleep. He sat down gently on the bed and then carefully moved to lay beside me, rolling over to face my way, his fingertips gently touching my back.

“Goodnight. Let me know if you get uncomfortable,” he said, though I wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by it.

“Night, Gerard.” Everything was silent for a moment as I buried myself further in his sheets, enjoying the way they smelt. I felt my eyes drooping, and warm breath on my neck. A pair of lips briefly replaced it, making a small noise as they parted from my skin. And I smiled. Sleeping beside Gerard was clearly going to be a different experience to sleeping beside Mikey, and I wasn’t sure I minded at all.