The Alexander Swallowtail

I’d almost forgotten where I was until I heard a groan beside me, and turned to find Gerard with his hands in his hair, pulling in places as he groaned again. He noticed my staring then as he opened one tired eye, screwed up his nose, and then closed his eye once more.

“I can move if you wanna get up,” he offered, but I shook my head and assumed he got my answer as he didn’t move an inch. He was asleep again within the minute, which I found simply amazing, and I listened to his gentle breathing until I found sleep once more.

When I next awoke, Gerard was no longer beside me. I took a moment to change back into my own clothes and left what Gerard had lent me on the end of his bed, unsure as to whether he’d notice them in the chaos that was his bedroom. As I made my way down the hallway I could hear hushed voices, slowly gaining volume.

“I can’t believe you slept with Alison.” Mikey’s tone couldn’t have been more condescending if he’d tried.

“Would you shut up before mum hears you?” Gerard snapped “It wasn’t like that. I think she just wanted some company.”

“Why would she want your company? You guys are like, polar opposites. She isn’t your type.”

“Oh?” I snuck a little closer to the kitchen where they were arguing to get a better listen. “And how the fuck would you know, exactly? You guys hardly talk anymore. You’re tearing her apart.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“It is when I’m the one she comes crying to.”

“You’re gonna hurt her,” Mikey whispered so quietly I’d almost missed it.

“I couldn’t do as good a job of that as you have recently.” I heard the scratching of a chair against the wooden floorboards and a moment later, Gerard was in my face. He looked a little angry, but the feeling seemed to leave him as he registered who I was.

“I sure hope we didn’t wake you,” he said, guiltily, looking down to the floor.

“Sort of.”

“Listen uhh, I gotta head out for a while. Help yourself to coffee and breakfast.”

“I will, thanks.” Gerard hadn’t yet walked off. He was still standing close enough for me to believe he had something else to say.

“Are you busy tonight?” he managed to get out, looking back up at me as I answered.

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“There’s a party at Tino’s and I think it’s a good idea if you come with me. You might learn something.” His voice was being strangled by some invisible emotion. I wasn’t sure what he meant. Was he taking a jab at me for being a good girl, or did he mean something else? In the end, he smiled at me, which was at least a little reassuring.

“Okay...” He walked off then and left me wondering what he’d meant. I sighed and went to join Mikey in the kitchen, ignoring him as he ignored me and pouring myself a cup of coffee. I didn’t particularly like it, but every now and then it was a nice change from juice.

We sat across from one another at the table and sipped from our mugs, staring at the floor, the walls, at anything besides one another.

“Why didn’t you tell me you like my brother?” Mikey suddenly asked. The question brought immediate panic to my thoughts. I hoped Gerard hadn’t heard his silly question, until I realised that Mikey had probably told Gerard his assumption earlier in the morning. I imagined that may have started their argument, because really, who wanted me pining over them?

“I don’t like Gerard,” I said, though upon saying it, wasn’t entirely sure just how true that was. I appreciated him being there and enjoyed his company, which to me, was nothing more than friends. But then I recalled the feeling of his lips on the back of my neck, and the way his hair fell in his face all the time, and how if I had to pick a favourite shade of green, I’d find it in his eyes. The blush that had crept onto my face seemed to tell Mikey much more than I’d intended to. I listened as he sighed.

“It’s not that I’m bothered. Not like that. Just... be careful.” I didn’t reply. How could I? I’d never known Gerard to be a dangerous person around others. Mikey always complained that he was worried about him not having come home on the weekend but when he did waltz in through the front door on the Monday afternoon, he was always plain old Gerard. Nothing ever changed with him. I’d never have questioned his actions at all had it not been for Mikey’s worry over him.

---

It was a funny thing; my closet could be overflowing with clothes in different colours and styles and yet when I had to go somewhere, it felt pretty much empty. My eyes skimmed over the various dresses I had until I settled on one I hadn’t worn in a while, simply because I never really had an occasion. It was a little too dressy for just hanging out, yet not the right kind of dressy to make it appropriate for actually going somewhere nice. It could work for a trashy party at a stranger’s house, I thought, slipping it on and doing the zip up the side. I looked myself over in the mirror and somewhat approved. I wanted to look tough. I wanted to look dangerous. After applying my makeup with a little more precision than usual, I was almost there.

I couldn’t cry. No, not now that I’d done my mascara. Truth be told, I’d never look like anyone but myself. I was simply too… me. I felt an ache deep in my chest at the thought of that… that I’d never be a certain type. I’d never fit in with the clique that smoked in the school bathroom and slept around on the weekends with older boys named Gerard.

I stood around in the hallway as I waited for Gerard to knock on the door, my feet already hurting from the heels I’d borrowed from my mum, who’d never know I was even out. My eye caught the family portrait of my parents and I that sat on the little table in the corner beside the door that should have had my mother’s car keys resting on it. I was too young to have lost my father. I wondered what he’d have thought of my attire. I almost wanted to be told off for so desperately wishing to fit in with a crowd I knew already to be bad news.

But there was a knock at the door, and my face lit up once more. I’d have to remember to tell myself off when I got home.