The Alexander Swallowtail

So far I’d spent all of my Sunday sitting on my bed reading for my English homework, not having found the courage to leave my room as I heard the vacuum cleaner going downstairs. Mum always cleaned when she was angry, or stressed, or a little bit of both. It felt like a sign of worse things to come, and I didn’t feel like explaining myself to her if she was already in a terrible mood. I didn’t want to tell her about Gerard. I didn’t want to tell anyone.

I heard the doorbell ring and the sound of my mother’s tired voice as she greeted the visitor. Curiosity got the better of me and I found myself with my face pressed against my window, trying to get a look at who it was. I felt my heartbeat in my throat as I saw Gerard walking away a moment later, his hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his jacket.

I almost wanted to hear him explain why he’d left me to fend for myself last night but then again, I really didn’t. I froze in my place as Gerard turned around and put his hand up to his temple to try and see through my window - the one I was still stood at like an idiot. I could make out a faint smile on his face as he came jogging back to my house, though this time not to the front door. I watched, slightly amused, as he climbed the tree and carefully picked the roof tiles he stood on to make his way to my window. After all his effort, I couldn’t simply leave him out there in the cold. Reluctantly, I pulled the window open and watched as he climbed inside.

“What are you doing?” I asked, keeping my voice low so my mother wouldn’t hear us, though she’d gone back to her vacuuming, anyway.

“I hear you’re grounded.”

“Well that’s news to me.” I’d never been grounded before. There was never anyone around enough to make sure I’d stick to the punishment, though mum appeared to be around a lot more recently. I wondered what had changed.

“I just wanted to check that you were okay.” I nodded, though couldn’t look at him after that. I was still hurt that he’d left me there like he had. “Listen, I’m sorry for how the night went down. I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

“And what would that be, exactly?”

“Well, you know... that something was gonna happen.” I had to hold back all the pain Gerard’s words were inflicting upon me and just stand there awkwardly as he continued. “I mean, it was only kissing. It wasn’t even that good of a kiss.”

“Thanks, Gerard,” I said as sarcastically as I could manage.

“Not like that, silly. I mean just because I was drunk, and we were interrupted, and I wasn’t sure what you’d be into, you know?”

“You’re gonna have to explain,” I told him, crossing my arms and watching his cheeks flush as he came up with an explanation.

“I wasn’t sure how into kissing me you were. I mean I knew you were just tipsy, or whatever, and didn’t wanna push you into anything weird... I mean I didn’t wanna take you back to some stranger’s place and share the lounge room floor with you after that. I didn’t want you worrying, thinking something might happen or whatever.” I was glowing red. I could feel the heat radiating from my face.

“It just would have been nice to not have felt so... abandoned.”

“You were with a couple of cops. You were safer with them than you were with me, I can tell you that much...”

“Why, what happened to you?” I asked.

“Nothing, but if you’d come with me then who knows what might have happened? I was a little bit drunk... a little bit high... you were certainly not yourself. I’d never forgive myself.”

“It’s not like you haven’t fucked girls before, Gerard.” He seemed taken aback by my sudden outburst. Through the confusion on his face I could see that I’d hit a nerve, and I watched his attitude grow, swallowing whatever hurt had been caused.

“No... but it’s a little like you haven’t fucked guys before, Alison.” His tone was dead serious as he studied my face, trying to figure me out. I couldn’t even figure myself out. “What’s up with you? You want to fuck me? You didn’t even really seem to want to kiss me.”

“I wasn’t sure what you meant by it!”

“Nothing! A kiss can be just that. It doesn’t have to make things weird.”

“How is this not weird?”

“It’s not weird to kiss someone. I’ve kissed a lot of people. It’s just something to do. It’s fun. I can admit I was drunk and not really thinking things through, but that’s why I ran. I didn’t want it to get weird!”

“Well good try, I guess.”

“Look,” Gerard said, coming a step closer to me. “It’s only kissing. It’s like hugging for lonely people, okay?”

“You’re lonely?” I asked, which made Gerard pause for a moment.

“And you’re not?” I thought about that for a minute. “I just wanted to share that kiss with you. In that moment. From one lonely person to another.” Gerard was standing but a step away from me now as he spoke in hushed tones, almost unsure of himself. “Can I do it again?” I felt as I gently nodded my head against my better judgement. This time, he wasn’t drunk. This wasn’t an accident. We were two consenting people about to kiss, apparently just for kissing’s sake. And I could be happy with that if it meant I got to kiss Gerard once more, save for the pain it caused me deep down from knowing he meant nothing else by it.

Gerard closed the step between us as he pressed his body against mine, his damp jacket pressing against the bare of my arms and causing me to shiver. I felt his lips on the smooth of my neck, blushing as he ran his tongue along the other side. Something about what he was doing wasn’t just about loneliness. I wasn’t sure why he was giving me that vibe. Perhaps it was how tight his grip on me was, seeming almost afraid that I’d run away. His lips travelled up my jaw and I closed my eyes as he kissed around my mouth, leaving the tiniest of prints on my own lips before I heard his gentle whispers.

“Can I uhh... I mean would you mind tongue?” he murmured, sending a jolt throughout my body.

“I’ve never really... uhm...”

“You’ll like it, trust me,” he said then with a slight wink and a smirk before his lips covered my own, and I felt his tongue swirl over my bottom lip. I only had to open my mouth a fraction before I could feel his tongue against mine, softly making circles with it as his hands weaved themselves into my hair. In what seemed like too short a time, Gerard was pulling away, studying me from his place a few steps back where he’d been before.

“So?” he questioned me, his eyebrow raised and his lips threatening to curl into one of his smirks any second now.

“Well I can see why lonely people go for it,” I confessed, unsure of my feelings.

“Maybe one day when you’re older, if we’re still both lonely people... ahh, pretend I never said that.” I almost wanted to cuss him out for suggesting what I thought he had but as I saw his eyes through his hair, I couldn’t find the anger in my heart. So maybe Gerard didn’t feel anything for me... but this... whatever it was... this was nice, too.

“I don’t think we should tell Mikey about this,” he added after a moment. No. I didn’t see that being a good idea, either.