The Alexander Swallowtail

For the first time in my life there was a rumour actually worth spreading about me, but no one had picked up on it. I hadn’t so much as heard the tiniest of murmurs as I walked past anyone on my way to where Mikey and Clarissa were seated for lunch. Even the false rumour pertaining Gerard and I’s imagined relationship spread by Roxanne seemed to have stopped circulating. I was somewhat happy about that, though for different reasons now I figured. Before, I’d been embarrassed of him finding out. Now, it just hurt to realise that it was never going to happen. I wondered exactly when my opinion on him had changed, but couldn’t quite pinpoint the exact moment.

I felt a little uneasy as I spotted Clarissa sitting at the table by herself, waving me down once I was in sight. Of course, this had to happen when I felt like sitting in silence, not talking to anyone in particular. As I left the house in the morning my mother had insisted we have a talk when I got home, and I needed time to count my excuses before I faced her. I could only assume she’d be talking to me about how irresponsible I’d been, and I probably deserved it.

“Hey! Mikey’s a little bit late so it’s just us two for the time being,” she said cheerily, scooting over so I’d sit down beside her. We sat there in silence for a moment as we ate our lunch but I could sense Clarissa wanted to say something. I snuck a glance at her to find she’d been staring.

“Listen, Alison... I totally get why you don’t wanna be my friend. I can understand, I really can. And I’m sorry for the way I’ve stolen Mikey away from you. You guys were best friends.”

“We were,” I agreed, feeling the sting of the past tense.

“But I want you guys to be close again. Mikey’s always talking about you... and I feel like if we got along a little better then it’d be easier for you guys to mend your relationship. I wouldn’t be so... in the middle. At the moment he’s conflicted between spending time with me and spending time with you.”

“It shouldn’t be that hard for him to figure out.” I could sense that she was noticing my poor attitude towards Mikey, but choosing to ignore it. I guess I couldn’t blame her for that.

“He misses you. And he’s worried about you. He said something about a party on the weekend and how worried your mum was when she found you’d gone out.”

“I really... don’t want to talk about it, Clarissa.” She looked at me through sad eyes and dropped the subject, but not before folding up a scrap of paper in my palm.

“This is my number. If you need anyone to talk to, about whatever... then I’ll be there for you.” I didn’t know what to say to her. I tucked the piece of paper into my pocket and gave her a small smile, thankful that I could see Mikey arriving in the distance so I could sit in silence once he sat down as I’d planned. Clarissa got up to hug him and he spun her around a little before letting her go and sitting down across from her. I wondered if I’d ever have someone who’d spin me around like that.

---

I wasn’t in any particular hurry to get home, or for the walk there, as I knew it’d be a lonely one. Mikey was heading over to Clarissa’s house again which meant I couldn’t even tag behind and pretend I was included as they linked hands and jumped over the puddles together. I almost lost my cool as a car horn beeped at me, panicking as I remembered something Gerard had said at that party about Roxanne still having it out for me. Alas, it wasn’t her or her friends but the man himself smiling at me through the open window as he pulled up beside me in the carpark as I cut through.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, and Gerard shrugged.

“I was on my way through. Wanna ride?” I hesitated for a moment, taking a look around me for unfriendly eyes before I hopped in the passenger seat, earning a questionable look from Gerard.

“You didn’t have to get in, you know. I mean, if it’s embarrassing to be seen with me or whatever.”

“What are you talking about? I’m just looking out for my own neck. You said Roxanne still has something coming to me, and I’d rather not give her anger any fuel.”

“Oh.”

“Oh,” I mimicked him, teasing his paranoia. Though, I had to wonder why it’d been there in the first place. I hoped I never gave Gerard the impression that I was embarrassed by him. It had been him that had said we were two different types of people, not me, though I could somewhat see what he meant at times.

Gerard hummed along to an unfamiliar band as he drove, occasionally softly singing the odd sentence or two if it took him, and for a while it had distracted me from the fact that we turned off before our street. I sat in silence waiting for Gerard to explain what we were doing outside the local park, somewhere I wouldn’t be caught after dark, unless literally dead. I was sure they’d find bodies in the lake if they drained it one day. My eyes got caught in the gentle ripple of the water whilst Gerard was unbuckling his seatbelt, going outside to sit on the hood of his car. I watched him for a moment as he sat looking out at that ominous lake, the look on his face making me wonder if he was thinking about the bodies, too.

I eventually came out to join him, sliding myself up beside him and waiting for him to say something first, not liking the air that was settling between us. Eventually I caved, figuring that saying anything was better than saying nothing at all as we watched the water.

“My mum wanted to talk to me after school.”

“I can drive you home if you want,” he was quick to reply, his eyes not leaving the lake. But I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to know what was causing that expression to cross Gerard’s face as he sat, staring, I’d decided probably not thinking about dead bodies after all.

“I’m fine for a while. I’ll uhh… tell her I was held back at school.” I wasn’t entirely sure that Gerard was even listening as he let tears well up in his eyes before trying to wipe them away unnoticed. His shaking hands reached into his pocket for a cigarette and I watched as it took him 3 tries to light it, softly spoken profanities leaving the corner of his mouth each time.

“Today is one of those days, you know?” he said with a quiver, taking a shaky drag and holding it in his lungs for a moment longer. “I don’t really know what to do.”

“Are you okay?” He shook his head, and the small laugh that left him worried me as it made his tears all the more worse. His lack of an answer certainly wasn’t easing my nerves, either. He wasn’t quite finished with his smoke before he flicked it to the concrete, turning to face me and pressing his lips against mine, holding my head steady with his hands. There was nothing romantic about what he was doing, and I realised what he meant when he’d said that a kiss didn’t have to mean what my adolescent mind had always assumed. Gerard was lonely. I could feel the emotion passing through him and into me as I kissed him back, trying not to worry too much as his tears continued to run, catching his hair as it fell in his face. He pulled away after a short moment, his eyes still shut tight and his hands still in my hair, moving to pull me with him by the hand and into the backseat of his car.

“Relax,” he breathed into my ear as he crawled on top of me. I felt my heart explode as I finally caught a proper look at his face and the sadness that was seeping from his eyes. “I’m not going to be your mistake. I just wanna lay with you a while.” I nodded my head and Gerard laid his head to rest beside mine, his legs dangling in the air as he settled between my knees. I was oddly comfortable like that and figured he must have felt the same as his sniffling eventually stopped, and I could no longer feel a dampness against my cheek. He didn’t kiss me anymore after that, and I wondered if that meant he felt a little guilty about it. I guess any idiot could sense that I was more into him than I was willing to let on.