The Alexander Swallowtail

The drive home was agony as Gerard and I sat in awkward silence listening to the unhealthy whir of his car engine. Gerard had turned the music down as he started driving, seeming to want to have a conversation, but proceeded to say absolutely nothing. Looking across at him it appeared he had words wanting to spill from his lips but they wouldn’t open, pressed tight together in a thin line of defiance. I thought about starting the conversation several times but didn’t really know what was on his mind, and didn’t want to distract him from what was on his. It wasn’t until we were almost on our street that I heard him clearing his throat to gain my attention, which he already had, maybe despite appearances as I took to staring at anything that wasn’t him.

“Listen, I don’t really want Mikey knowing about this. About today. About me.”

“I don’t really understand, Gerard.” I wasn’t sure what it was that he didn’t want being said about today, or him.

“Well you wouldn’t, would you? We’ve been strangers, you and I, up until only very recently. You don’t know a thing about it.” I felt a little offended at how he was speaking, feeling that it may have been easier to have told me what was wrong instead of pushing me away with the excuse that I didn’t understand. And it was true: I didn’t, but I wanted to. “Fuck, I’m sorry… I just –” Gerard stopped speaking abruptly and my eyes followed his to the street, our street, where there was an ambulance parked outside my home.

I was out of the car the instant Gerard had stopped it, hearing him calling my name behind me as my feet took me closer to the scene. Another voice added to the calls as I reached my front door, Mrs Way now in my face, her hands on my shoulders pushing me back down the drive.

“No, darling,” was all she could get out as her mascara ran streaks down her gentle face. I wanted to listen and heed her warning but found myself pushing back until she gave in, allowing me to pass her.

It didn’t take me long to find my mother, and I couldn’t hold it in when I did. I was vaguely aware of the paramedics looking on at me with their sympathetic eyes as they wheeled her past me in somewhat of a rush. I followed behind them as I cried into my hands and watched them push her into the back of the van. You’d think I’d be used to this, growing up around it, but this time seemed different. This time, I hadn’t noticed the signs. I’d failed her.

I began to run, just run, with nowhere but anywhere else in mind as my legs turned to jelly beneath me, and my mind numbed my senses. I was stopped as someone’s arms wrapped around my chest to catch me in a hug, and I knew from the mess of black hair my face had fallen into that it was Gerard’s shoulder I was crying into. He held me there for a while and let me cry, running his hands up and down my back. I watched through my tears as the ambulance drove off without its sirens on, unsure if that was good or bad news.

“C’mon, I’ll make you some hot cocoa. We have little marshmallows,” he said, like anything at all mattered at that point. “Alison, you gotta come on. It’s going to get cold out here.” I allowed Gerard to drag me by the arm into his home where he sat me at the kitchen table, looking over his shoulder every other second to make sure I was still there.

My focus was taken from the tabletop as Mrs Way dragged Gerard off into the hallway to share whispers with him in hushed voices before coming back to kneel by my side, her hand over mine.

“Alison, I’m going to the hospital to… uhm… to see your mother. I’d like you to stay here, sweetie. I think it might be best.”

“They weren’t playing the sirens.”

“Hmm?”

“The ambulance. They weren’t playing the sirens.”

“Your mother was in a relatively stable state when they got her to the stretcher.”

“She’s okay?”

“Darling, it’s best you stay here. I’ll phone if there’s any change.” She kissed me on the forehead before engulfing me in her arms for a moment, then disappearing in a rush out the door.

“Do you want to put your own marshmallows in?” Gerard was shaking the bag gently in front of my face, but I couldn’t speak. I recalled all the empty cases of medication scattered around the kitchen floor which I hadn’t been aware she was even taking. How could I have been so unaware of my own mother’s mental state? It hit me then that she must have wanted to talk to me about it after school… and I hadn’t been there. Fresh tears pricked my eyes. Gerard plopped a few of the multi-coloured candies into the cocoa he’d made me and I watched as they dissolved and melted into one another.

“What did your mum say to you?” Gerard hesitated for a moment. “What did she say to you?”

“She asked that I take you to the hospital in the case that… uh…” He didn’t need to finish his sentence. I almost wanted to be at the hospital now but having spent so much time there in similar situations as a kid had me knowing there was nothing I could do there but get in the way and have people feel sorry for me. I didn’t want either of those things. Gerard took a seat beside me and rested his head on my shoulder as I cried, running his hand up my back and giving my shoulder a little squeeze.

“But let’s hope it doesn’t come to that, okay?” I nodded my head feebly and attempted to calm myself down enough to drink the cocoa Gerard had prepared for me.