The Alexander Swallowtail

The clock beside the TV was telling me it was much later than it felt as the little hand had finally ticked over into the early hours of the morning. I sat beside Gerard on the couch as he watched late night TV, my eyes drifting from the clock to where Mikey had appeared in the doorway. I wasn’t sure if he was staring at me because Gerard’s hand was around me as we sat close together, or if it was just in response to the entire situation. Gerard gently kissed my temple, I guess not having seen Mikey standing there, removing his arm from around me once he did.

“Hey Mikey, any news?” he asked, but of course there was nothing. I was pretty sure that if Mrs Way were to call, I’d have been the first one to the phone.

“I hope your mum is gonna be okay,” Mikey offered, keeping his place by the doorway. I wanted him to curl up on the other side of me and let me nuzzle my face into his shoulder like I used to when bad things happened. I wanted his awkwardness to disappear. I was thankful for his words nonetheless.

“Thanks.” He gave me a small smile and walked off after that, presumably to go to bed.

“Do you want me to tuck you into my bed?” Gerard asked softly. “I can sleep here if you want to be alone. I don’t mind.”

“I’d like the company,” I admitted, feeling a little stupid about it. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted someone to help hold me together with their arms.

“Okay.” Gerard got us both up then and half walked, half dragged me down the hall to his room. I didn’t care for Mikey’s questionable stare from the bathroom as he brushed his teeth and saw Gerard following me into his room, closing the door behind us. Gerard sat me down on his bed as he searched around, presumably for something for me to change into, eventually tossing me the same clothes he’d lent me the last time I’d stayed over. He turned around then and waited for me to dress, but I couldn’t find it in me to lift a single finger.

“I won’t peek,” he said after a moment of me sitting still. “C’mon, you can’t sleep in jeans.” I knew he was right and so began to change, getting stuck half-way through as I collapsed into a fit of crying, his voice finding me in the dark of my mind as he turned to help me.

“Breathe, Alison,” he whispered. “Just breathe.” His voice was soothing and helping me along, his hands sitting awkwardly on my bare shoulders and my cheeks flushing with the thoughts that were filling my mind. I just wanted to feel better. I wanted something else to fill my mind for a little while. I leaned forward and gently touched my lips to Gerard’s, but he didn’t respond as I’d hoped he would – more as I thought he would. He took a small step backwards and averted his eyes from me as I sat there trembling in my bra, about to cry fresh tears.

“I wanna kiss you, Gerard,” I whispered, so unsure of things that it hurt in an entirely different way.

“You’ve had a long night, Alison. I don’t want to complicate it further,” he responded, running a hand through his hair, his eyes resting anywhere but on me.

“I thought we agreed that we weren’t complicating things?” He just looked at me as if I were crazy.

“You’re telling me that kissing you right now won’t complicate anything? You’re sitting on my bed in your bra, for Christ’s sake!” I knew I’d be lying if I told him it wouldn’t. Things were already complicated, but he didn’t have to know that.

“I can put a shirt on if it makes you feel any better…” Gerard just sighed as he held his head together in his hands, his eyes drifting up from the floor to give me a hard stare.

“It’s not that, Alison.”

“Well then tell me, what is it? What makes it okay for you to use me as a device for escape and not for me to do the same?” He had no response to that, it seemed, as he came a little closer to kneel in front of where I sat.

“You and I are different. I can handle it emotionally. I can… I can fuck girls and it’s just that. It’s just fucking. You’re different. It wouldn’t be just kissing. You’re not like that… to me…”

“Says you.”

“Says me.”

“And where’s my voice in this? Drowned out by yours?” I could see Gerard arguing with himself in his mind, his lips opening and closing as he thought of something to defuse me, coming up with nothing. “I just wanna kiss you. I just want to find some peace for a while.” I felt his sigh and leaned forward once again to capture his lips with my own, feeling as his fingertips tentatively rested on the bare of my ribs at both sides, goose bumps spreading across my skin at his touch. The feeling was short-lived as again, Gerard pulled away.

“This is wrong,” he said, almost more to himself than to me. “What kind of person would I be to take advantage of you like this?” I forced my lips back onto his, not at all wanting to hear his words.

“Please…” His whispers found my ears but I didn’t listen as I gripped his jacket with my hands, pulling myself closer to him. “Please don’t tempt me, Alison. God knows I want to.” I tried to find his lips once more but received a shove backwards, almost shocked at the amount of force he’d applied. He got up then, his face an angry mix of conflicting thoughts and emotions.

“Why not, Gerard!? Why am I so hopelessly fragile in your eyes!?” He stood watching me cry for a moment before he angrily left the room. I followed him out, the slam of the front door making me jump. I heard a moment later as he screamed out in frustration, and then listened as his car sped off down the street.

I wasn’t really expecting Mikey’s head to peek around the corner, nor his arms to wrap around me as I struggled to stand on my own.

“Let’s get you dressed,” he cooed in my ear. “It’s far too cold to go round like that.” I could see his blush and appreciated the effort he was making as he rushed into Gerard’s room, I guess not really realising that Gerard’s clothes were the last things I wanted to be changing into at that moment. But I changed all the same as Mikey went to grab me a glass of water, coming back to find me with my head in my hands as I cried over everything all at once.

“He’ll be back. I mean, he lives here,” Mikey said and as stupid as he sounded, it was still nice to hear. Gerard would be back, and maybe he’d shed some light on just why I wasn’t good enough for him. I almost wanted to hear it. I wanted another argument. “And I’m sure your mum will be okay. My mum would have called if anything happened.”

“Thanks, Mikey.” He simply smiled and took a seat beside me, pulling me into his arms and holding me there, letting me lean on him when I could no longer keep my eyes open.

“Mikey?”

“Mmm?” I could hear the sleep in his voice.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, Alison.”