The Alexander Swallowtail

I still couldn’t believe I’d gone back to school. In the end it had been Mikey that had convinced me, arguing that being it was Friday, I’d not have a lot of work to do. Of course, I wasn’t blaming him for the state I was currently in, unable to tell if the liquid running down my face was blood or tears anymore. There was only one person to blame for that.

Everyone knew. I wasn’t sure how, but everyone knew. And it seemed everyone had something to say about it… some more than others. I almost couldn’t believe Mikey hadn’t warned me that the entire school had been talking about my mother for however long it had been – I was guessing a few days at most, as seemed to be the general attention span for things that didn’t really classify as dirty gossip. The first time I’d been stopped by a stranger in the hall and told how deeply sorry they were for me, I’d turned to Mikey and Clarissa who both looked away in unison. Mikey had been the first to say that he simply hadn’t known how to explain. He didn’t want to bring my mind back to what was happening. He wanted to make me happy. Strangely, neither of them knew how everyone had found out.

I’d not made it quite until lunchtime when I had to excuse myself from class, all that time spent silently reading only giving me quiet time alone to think about how I should have been at the hospital with my mum in case she woke. In case she didn’t…

I found myself in the bathroom crying my eyes out into the mirror for a while, barely noticing as Roxanne and her friends snickered at me before pulling out the smokes they shared and lighting a couple up. I couldn’t believe I’d once wanted to be like them. Tough girls. Mean girls. Girls Gerard wanted to fuck. I left after their taunting began to break through my walls and ran out to the schoolyard where Mikey and Clarissa were eating their sandwiches, their worried concerns only looking worse as I approached. They didn’t say anything. Clarissa took a moment to wipe the smudges of makeup off my face, offering me a kind smile when she was done.

I walked home alone, partly because Mikey was supposed to be at Clarissa’s place and partly because I’d pushed him not to worry about me, knowing he’d be home later and sure he was sick of seeing my face by now. Perhaps I shouldn’t have pushed so hard, I realised now, as I tried to get up but only fell back down again, the pain of standing and the throbbing in my head keeping me pinned to the sidewalk.

I’d heard their taunting coming up the hill behind me, their words so much worse than before. I was the idiot that turned around to greet their malice.

“While you’ve been slagging around with Gerard your mum’s dying in hospital. Fucking slut!”

“What the fuck would you know?”

“Frank told Elise, and Elise told us. Gerard was there for a week. Apparently he regretted something to do with you, and well, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what that was.”

“You don’t know a goddamn thing. He doesn’t even want you!”

I’d known my mistake as soon as the words had left my lips, much quicker than my head could think to stop them. The look I’d placed on Roxanne’s face had felt good for a moment until she and the others began sprinting towards me, my legs turning to jelly when I did the simple calculation of four of them versus one of me. All I could think about was that it had been Gerard’s fault everyone knew. It was Gerard’s fault I was being chased by girls over something I never did. I’d tripped in my haste on a crack in the concrete, my hands taking most of the damage as I scraped them up on the gravel where the paving was falling apart. Roxanne and her friends were right on my heels and before I could get myself up, a boot was pushing down on my back.

I’d never thought girls could be so unkind to one another. I never imagined I’d be the victim of it. I was never one to fight… and so I didn’t. I didn’t get a single hit in as they laid into me, their kicking leaving bruises for sure, my vision going blank for a moment when my head was bounced off the concrete path. There was a little muttering after that, then the sound of four pairs of feet scampering away before they could be caught for what they’d done. What they had done, I wasn’t sure as I couldn’t lift a finger. I thought about Mikey, and hoped him and Clarissa were having a nice afternoon. I thought about my mum, wondering if she’d be angry with me for getting in a fight. I thought about Gerard… I just thought about him.

---

Waking in a hospital was a little trippy. One moment I’d been bleeding to death on the pavement a few blocks from home and the next, I was in absolute agony as the light in the room reflected off every white surface in sight – but I was alive. I was vaguely aware of a pain that spread across my entire body right down to my toes, and I could feel something heavy where my arm was. I looked down briefly to find a cast, almost able to feel the broken bone in my wrist through all the medication I was no doubt drugged up on. Not that I’d complain.

“You’re awake!” Mikey cried beside me, his hand carefully touching my good hand and his smile filling every space in my mind for a moment. “The doctors said you would be awake soon. They said the medication had knocked you out. They said–”

“Is my mum awake too?” Mikey only looked down, a good indication that I wasn’t to receive any good news just yet.

“The nurse came in before and told me to give you this when you woke up,” Mikey said, placing something light into my hand as his eyes remained on mine. “She said someone left it for you before, but that they were afraid to stay. Apparently he’d… I mean they… had been really upset. They were the one to find you…” I blinked a few times before I brought my hand up as far as I could reach without causing any pain, my eyes wandering down to where a small, purple butterfly sat in the palm of my hand. An Alexander Swallowtail, I recalled.

“He saved your life, Alison.”