The Alexander Swallowtail

It was almost unbearable, the way I could feel us slipping away from one another already. This had been my third visit to the bathroom and we were only at lunch. But I couldn’t look at them any longer. I wanted my place back beside Mikey, so I could be the one poking him in the side when he fell quiet, and whispering little obscenities into his ear as certain people passed us by. I felt replaced. Was I that expendable?

It hurt to hear Mikey retelling the jokes I thought had been only ours. It confused me when Clarissa seemed to be finding them just as funny as we had. I hated the jealousy that I was having to swallow, but letting it out seemed far too dangerous. There were rumours that would float about, occasionally making the hot topic for notes passed in class if Mikey and I were caught sitting a little closer together than usual, usually after a hard night, or a fight he’d had with some jerk on the hocky team. We were close, and we’d have readily admitted that, but it wasn’t how people wanted to think it was. I hated the way my face would heat up every time someone mentioned it. I hated that Clarissa was surely aware of the stories that circulated, and of the way I found her looking at me. It was almost in pity.

It wasn’t the same look I got from a few other girls in my home group as I entered the bathroom, finding them sharing a smoke by the little window, blowing their puffs outside as to not have the smell carry to the hallway. I’d always found them kind of cool, in a way I might not have had I had a reliable parental figure to teach me otherwise. I had only Mikey to teach me right from wrong, and he’d done a pretty decent job of that so far. He hated the idea of smoking, and of drinking, mainly because Gerard did both. It seemed to hurt him, knowing this, but sometimes I didn’t see the big deal. Then again, I was used to the empty bottles lying around the house. I’d been living with it for most of my life, and could tell Mikey that it wasn’t the worst thing someone could do to themselves. By far. But he seemed to have a contrary opinion every time.

“What are you gonna do now that your boyfriend is dating someone else?” one of them asked, her lips curled into an unpleasant kind of smile. I didn’t answer. I knew better than that. “She probably wouldn’t put out for him so he dumped her for Clarissa.” That part was much harder to swallow. It was an incorrect yet undisputed fact at Belleville High that at some point, Mikey and I had hooked up. I could never defend myself without sounding like a prude, and Mikey the same, and so for the most part we let the rumours go and ignored what people would think. My mind stuck to the last part of her sentence, and I couldn’t help but think that Clarissa was more put out than I was. Did this make a girl more desirable? Was that something that Mikey liked in her?

“You know, you’re the only girl in our grade that’s never had a boyfriend, Alison.” The shorter of the girls tsked at me as I passed them, not willing to listen to them anymore than I was willing to watch Mikey and Clarissa giggling together. There weren’t a lot of other places to go, and so I found myself sitting in Math class 20 minutes early, attempting to finish my homework before Mr Rodgers came in to find I’d not done it. I’d usually copy from Mikey, but had a feeling he’d been too preoccupied with other things to finish doing his, too.

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As I finally made it home for the day and walked through the front door, I was greeted with a sickly sweet perfume. I knew what that meant.

“What time are you going out?” I yelled out, unsure as to exactly where my mother was.

“Oh, about half six. You can have the left over pizza from last night for dinner, okay?” I wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. “Would you mind calling Mikey around? You know how I don’t like to leave you alone in the house all night,” she then called, rounding the corner as she combed out her damp hair.

“He’s busy.”

“Busy? Since when has Mikey been busy?” I just shrugged, not wanting to explain everything. It always drove me insane when she’d tease about Mikey and I one day ending up together, and I didn’t want to give her any fuel for her theory, knowing there was no way I’d be able to explain that he’d rather be spending time with his girlfriend without jealousy being heard in my tone.

“I have homework to do anyway. I guess I’ll get a start on that.” My mother pursed her lips briefly before finally appearing to let it go.

“Well, I shouldn’t be out all night. Just for dinner and a coffee.”

“What’s his name?” I asked, though I didn’t really care. By the same time next week, there’d be a different one.

“Kyle,” she said, a little smile playing on her lips. “He’s taking me out to that little Italian place I’ve always wanted to go to, you know, with the unaffordable menu. He’s paying.” I smiled and gave her a quick hug as I wished her a good time and slowly ascended the stairs, dragging my bag up each step behind me with a small thud as it landed each time.

I sat in my room with the radio on for a while, not really listening to it, just staring at my bag and coming to realise that willing my books to me from the other side of the room wasn’t working to get anything done. I was too miserable. Mikey hadn’t even walked home with me – he’d wanted to go over Clarissa’s place instead. I was almost surprised when I felt my heart sink in my chest. What if this was it? What if this was our time finally up? It’d been great… almost too great… and I had to admit I hadn’t been prepared for it to end like it appeared to be ending. I knew we couldn’t stay like we were forever. We had to grow up. We had to branch out and make new friends. Only, I had no interest in befriending anyone else. I was almost certain that if I were to make a new friend, they’d have to be exactly like Mikey. But there was only one Mikey Way in this world.

I found myself walking the all-too familiar path a few houses down, and knocking on my favourite door in the street. I was certain Mikey wasn’t going to be home just yet, being only 8PM, but I had to see a nice face. Mrs Way opened the door and her face immediately turned from a smile to one of concern as she reached out towards me to envelope me in her arms.

“My dear, why are you crying? Is it your mother?” I shook my head, and felt her frown against my face. “Tell me what the matter is?” I loved Mrs Way. We weren’t all too close, with her seeming to know when to stay out of Mikey and I’s lives, but she also knew when she had to intervene. It was a rare gift to have and I would be forever grateful for her sharing it with me.

“Mikey has a girlfriend,” I cried, now positive of how I must have sounded.

“I know, honey. Listen, you stay here tonight, okay? I’ll make Gerard’s bed for you and you can sleep there. I’m pretty sure he won’t be coming home.” I nodded against her, trying to stop my tears and almost succeeding until she pulled away from me to gather some clean sheets.

I stood awkwardly in the doorway to Gerard’s room as I watched Mrs Way change Gerard’s bed linen and attempt to hide the underpants he’d left lying around by sliding them beneath his bed with her foot as she hummed a gentle tune.

“There, all done. Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?” I shook my head, not wanting to burden her with having to look after me because my own mother wasn’t home to help. “I grabbed your pyjamas out from the cupboard. You left them here a few weeks ago so I washed them for you. You go ahead and change and let me know if you need anything. Have a good night’s sleep, honey.”

“Thanks.” I was horrified by the sound of my own voice as it broke and crackled and expressed the kind of hurt I wish I could have kept hidden. Mrs Way gave me a little smile before she switched the light off and closed the door, leaving me with Gerard’s Batman nightlight glowing dimly in the corner to get changed with, which I soon turned off, knowing the light would keep me awake as I stared at all the posters and sketches that covered Gerard’s bedroom walls. I hadn’t been in his bedroom since I was very young, when we used to use the whole house to play murder in the dark together. Back then, his room had shown the plain pale blue colour of the walls like Mikey’s still did, and it had me a little less interested.