The Alexander Swallowtail

The sun hadn’t quite risen just yet but the bird songs could already be heard outside Gerard’s bedroom window. I wasn’t sure what had woken me, really, but found myself unable to sleep all the same. I was worried my sobbing might wake Gerard, his arm resting lazily over my waist and his fingers tangling with mine by my chest.

“Go back to sleep, Alison.” The sound of his voice made me jump, and I was filled with the immediate guilt of having woken him after all. I turned around to face him, finding his eyes gently closed, his face resting on the palm of his hand. But no one fell asleep that quickly again, not even Gerard.

“I’m gonna go get a glass of water,” I told him, moving to get up, his arm resting on my shoulder stopping me.

“I can get it for you if you want?” I shook my head, hoping he’d felt the movement, and proceeded to carefully climb over him to get out of bed.

I got my glass of water and stood in the kitchen for a while, my fingers playing with a little scrap of paper I had in my pocket. Just in case. I’d taken to carrying it around with me when I went to visit my mother in hospital, in case I needed someone to talk to about things... I was guessing that was why Clarissa had given her number to me in the first place.

I dialled her number, trying to forget about how early it was. Trying to force the voices from my head that were telling me she didn’t really care; that no one really cared.

“Hello?” A tired voice answered on the other end of the line.

“Is Clarissa there? It’s Alison. From school.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’ll go wake her for you.”

“No wait don’t –” My last minute pleas were unheard as I heard the clink of the phone being put down. I took the time to get myself comfortable, dragging the phone from the kitchen bench to the floor and sitting with my back against the cupboard. It wasn’t ideal, but I wanted to feel a little more secluded. I didn’t like the idea of sitting at the table, having whoever walk in on me and no time to change the expression on my face.

“Alison?”

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

“No, I’m glad you did. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” I hadn’t really known where to begin but once I finally found my start, I couldn’t stop. I told her about my findings from my mother’s letters, and she waited patiently for me to stop crying. I might have been glad for her change of subject had it not been for Gerard appearing around the corner, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as she said his name.

“Mikey told me Gerard saw you in hospital.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” Gerard mouthed to me, and I simply nodded a response.

“He said something else but I’m not sure if it was supposed to be a secret or not...” Gerard wandered off for a moment, probably back to bed.

“What did he say?”

“Just... about what Gerard had said to him. He felt horrible after that. I mean he had an idea but he never thought Gerard was actually serious about it...”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well he’d told me before about how you guys slept together. And it’s totally none of my business or anything. I tried to tell Mikey that but he was so worried about you.”

“We didn’t sleep together...” As soon as the words had escaped my lips, Gerard came back into the kitchen. His eyes locked with mine and with his stare I knew he knew I was talking about him.

“Oh... well I guess Mikey was completely wrong all along then about Gerard. He really didn’t seem like the type to get what he wants from a girl then leave her. And I mean, you guys have known one another for such a long time. Mikey just... wouldn’t listen.” I was trying to understand where she’d got her assumptions from because to me, it seemed Gerard would just get what he wanted and leave a girl to herself. Or maybe I was just resentful over how the whole thing had played out, over the way I’d fallen so hard yet had left no long-lasting impact on him.

“Here,” Gerard said, handing me a cushion off the couch to sit on. I knew I was blushing. It was absolutely no consolation that he couldn’t hear the other half of my conversation. I waited for him to leave the room once more before I dared to say another word.

“Did Mikey confront him? Gerard mentioned something about being abused for assumptions that we were... well... you know...”

“Mikey didn’t say anything about that. He said his mother has talked to Gerard about it a few times now. She’s pretty annoyed with him. I mean, she obviously cares about you an awful lot. He only told me anything at all after their conversation a few days ago. He said he’d talked to a nurse in the hospital when he arrived and she was telling him about the guy who brought you in whilst his mother filled in all your paperwork. Of course they knew it was Gerard. She said he made a little butterfly for you. Apparently he hadn’t stopped crying the entire time he was there and wouldn’t leave until they told him you were gonna be okay.”

The more Clarissa went on about it, the worse I felt. Gerard didn’t even care. He’d told me just last night how he felt. And yet, nothing made sense. If he didn’t care, then why bother trying to make out like he did at all? Was he just being kind? Was it all for appearance’s sake? I felt sick.

“Well anyway, Mikey talked to him that night. He asked him about you and if he had just been so upset at the hospital because of the circumstances or if it was something else...”

“And?” I tried to control the tone of my voice. I knew I didn’t want to hear it, but I also knew that I had to. I had to realise he didn’t care. I could have been anyone to him.

“He said he’s falling in love with you.” My heart leapt straight up to my throat. “I don’t know how much of this you already know... maybe you’re not supposed to know...”

“But Gerard... he told me... I think Mikey must have got something wrong, Clarissa.”

“Why’s that?” I sighed. I didn’t feel like talking about it any longer. I couldn’t talk about it. I felt my heart beating hard in my chest, distracting me from thinking clearly about the situation. How could Mikey have got that so wrong?

“It doesn’t matter. I’m uhh... gonna try get some more sleep. I think I probably need it...”

“Take care, Alison. And remember that I’m here for you if you need me...”

“Thank you. I mean really... thank you so much.”

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, placing the couch cushion back where it belonged and sitting down there for a moment. I contemplated going back into Gerard’s room to sleep but wasn’t sure I could even look at him right now, let alone lie down so close beside him. Clarissa had everything wrong. Mikey must have misunderstood. Despite my strongest desires to drop the idea and move on, a little part of me clung to the hope that perhaps Gerard was just as confused as I was about the whole thing.