The Alexander Swallowtail

It was hard to feel excited as I waited in the departure lounge of the airport, almost ready for my life to change direction. It had been a few weeks since the funeral which I’d mostly spent going through my mother’s items, deciding what to keep and what I’d have to sell in the auction. She’d left the house to me. She’d left everything to me. Clarissa had been around to help me pack and had been a great comfort for me when I’d needed a shoulder to cry on. She seemed to understand just how hard it was and didn’t rush me. No one was rushing me. It felt good to have been left alone for a while with my sorrow.

I hadn’t noticed my knuckles turning white from my grip on my carry-on luggage until Mrs Way took my hand in hers, kissing the back of my palm gently before folding it away on her lap. She’d been the one to drive me to the airport.

“Don’t worry, sweetie, they’ll be here,” she said, knowing where my mind had drifted off to. Gerard had offered to drive Mikey and Clarissa to the airport seeing as my luggage was taking up too much room in Mrs Way’s car. It was considerate of him, almost sweet, though I didn’t expect he’d be leaving his car.

We hadn’t really spoken since my mother’s funeral, and I still wasn’t sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, it hurt a little less losing something that was already lost to me. On the other, I felt a great sense of discomfort with the unfinished business between us. Though, I had a gut feeling it would always be that way. Perhaps some people weren’t supposed to leave your heart.

I tried to hide my shock when they finally arrived as I saw Gerard walking behind Mikey and Clarissa who charged in front, I guess just as worried as I had been about missing the chance to say goodbye. They both shared a deep hug with me, our arms all entwined and our faces smudged with each other’s tears.

“We’ll talk every other day over the phone,” Clarissa assured me. “And I’ll make Mikey talk to you, too. You will won’t you, Mikey?” Mikey nodded his head, pushing his glasses back up his nose once they threatened to slip off his face. “And if your aunt worries too much about the phone bill we can start sending letters. There’s always a way.”

“I’m gonna miss you, Alison,” Mikey said to me, giving me another hug to fill the space where he had no more words. I opened my eyes with my arms still around Mikey’s neck, daring to take a glance at Gerard standing awkwardly in the background staring intently at the floor.

My heart sunk as I heard my flight being called, not quite done just yet.

“Have a safe flight, honey,” Mrs Way told me, also hugging me before backing off a little, beginning to collect her bag and make her way towards the exit. I saw Mikey mouthing something at Gerard, but nothing appeared to be coming of it. Clarissa rolled her eyes before turning to me once more.

“Give it 10 years and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him,” Clarissa said as Mikey and Gerard had their silent argument in the middle of the airport, Gerard now using his hands in particular ways tell Mikey particular things. I was sure I saw their mother frowning in the distance. I guess Clarissa didn’t really realise how impossible her words sounded in my head. Of course I’d told her everything of our situation, but she seemed to think on the same level as Gerard; that he and I were a mismatch in many ways. Deep down a part of me agreed, but maybe it was just the timing that was off.

Clarissa and Mikey stood together then, their hands linked as they always were and bright smiles across both of their faces. I wiped away the tears that were falling from my cheeks, not ones I was crying because I was going to miss my friends, but ones that had sprung from Gerard’s stubbornness. He couldn’t even say goodbye to me. Was it so hard? Why had he bothered to come all the way in just to refuse to say goodbye?

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, turning my back to my friends with one final wave and an attempt at a smile before heading towards my gate. I joined the line of slightly less sad-looking people who were departing the state, all in much more of a hurry than I was.

And then I felt it, the tap on my shoulder that had me turn around to find Gerard standing right behind me, his face a little red from the running he’d done, his jagged breath sounding in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me in a warm embrace that seemed to last forever.

“You left this behind in my house next to the couch you’d been sleeping on,” he commented as he pulled away, his hand reaching into his pocket, his eyes frantically searching the space behind me. “It looks like you have to go…” He placed the item in my hand and gently closed my fingers around it, holding my hand like that for a moment.

“Miss? The plane is boarding now. I need to see your pass.” I blinked away my tears and let Gerard hug me once more, just quickly, pulling away with his hands on my shoulders, his stare on mine. I thought he might have wanted to say something, but no words came out from his lips. Instead, he leant forward and connected his lips to mine. I found myself kissing him back immediately, ignoring the whispers from behind me for just a moment longer.

“I’ll write you, Gerard.” He smiled at me and let me go then, taking a step backwards as I handed over my pass and found myself being ushered along to catch up with the rest of the passengers.

“Stay safe,” he called after me, his voice a little wobbly, one final wave the last I saw of him before turning the corner to board the plane. I opened my palm and smiled down at the little purple swallowtail that rested in my hand, the one I’d been so determined to leave behind along with Gerard and anything he may have felt for me, and all that I had felt for him.

I let the feeling of his lips on mine linger in my mind for as long as I could, convinced it would be the last time they’d find their place there. I’d eventually let him go, I knew, and wasn’t worried about how long it might take. One day I’d wake and he’d be gone, and my heart would be free to be my own once again. I could finally find that sense of completeness. I often wondered what the feeling was like; if it was as good as I imagined it to be. Only time would tell.

The end.