The Alexander Swallowtail

I could hear my heart in my ears and feel my stomach in my ass as I rushed up the hallway to get to my locker, pretending to be too busy to have noticed them following me all the way. I found the book I'd forgotten for class and jumped as someone else slammed my locker shut for me.

“What were you doing with that guy on Saturday night?” one of the girls snapped at me. Behind them I could see Roxanne, her makeup a mess from all the crying she was doing. I had a feeling I knew what was about to go down.

“You mean Gerard?” I tried to keep my voice from quivering. I'd never been in a fight at school before, but I could feel the tension building in the air between us.

“I told you she wasn't just standing there by coincidence! He has a girlfriend and never even told me!” I was completely confused by this point, watching as Roxanne's friends quietly comforted her for a moment. One minute they were teasing me because I’d never had a boyfriend, and now they were accusing me of having one when I didn’t. And to make it ten times worse, it was Gerard that they were accusing me of going round with. I didn’t need that rumour to find its way to Mikey. I didn’t feel like answering the questions it would surely raise… and I hated to imagine who else might find out. I wasn’t sure why the idea of Gerard asking me how he’d heard about this made me feel so queasy.

“Girls!” Our heads turned to find Mrs Braiden having just turned the corner to find us standing around in the middle of class time. “Get back to class. Now!” I was quick to take that opportunity and slipped past her, taking a quick glance back to find her with her hand on Roxanne's shoulder, saying quiet words to her as the other girls stalked off with dirty scowls covering their faces.

It had been a close call. Though I was feeling a little bit uneasy of how my lack of denying their assumption might come back to bite me, I was glad I still had my face intact. I imagined the rumours of that particular instance would have been far worse. First I was dating Mikey, and now I was fighting over his brother? No, I didn’t need that kind of rumour going around. I was tired of the rumours. We were getting too old to carry on like that.

I felt a little sorry for Roxanne in a way but then, she seemed determined from the start to believe what she would. I doubted there was anything I could have told her to convince her that Gerard was just a friend. I mean, we hardly knew one another really. The longer I thought about it the more holes would appear in my knowledge of Gerard’s person.

I got back to class as fast as my feet would take me there and quietly took my seat once more, feeling as Mikey nudged me in the side. I rolled my eyes as he passed me a crinkled piece of paper, no doubt the note he'd been passing back and forth with Clarissa all lesson with me in the middle of it as soon as Mikey had figured out that I could reach across that far. I begrudgingly passed it along a few more times for them as I read, not really getting any actual reading done between their giggling and my own thoughts interrupting me every few sentences. I wondered how long Mikey and Clarissa would last, and if I’d really be any happier if they broke up. Nothing could ever be the same now.

The bell rang and in the rush of things, I'd been stuck with their note. They linked hands as they walked off to lunch together and although I knew I shouldn't have, I slowly began to unfold it.

I was almost surprised with the way Mikey was talking to her. I immediately felt the guilt rise as I realised this was private. These must have been the kinds of conversations they’d have in secret, when they knew no one was around to hear them.

I love you too.

I don’t know why the idea of Mikey being in love was so hard for me to swallow. He’d never shown me this side of him before. Ever. We never sat down and talked about girls, or boys, or anything of the sort. And yet here he was, feeling these things I never imagined him to be capable of; saying these things like they were easy things to say.

I walked home the long way that afternoon, needing a little time to think before I was to be thrown into my mother’s little world. I was glad she’d had a good time out on Saturday, and that apparently the Ways had thought Kyle seemed like a nice guy. Despite all that, I was still annoyed that she hadn’t thought to introduce me yet. Was I not important in anybody’s life anymore? I grunted at myself for the way my thoughts were spiralling downhill so fast. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I just wanted to be happy for everybody. Why was that so hard?

I looked up as I rounded the last street corner and my steps slowed dramatically as I saw a mop of black hair poking above the patio railing. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I rounded the front garden and walked up the path to find Gerard with a book in hand as he leaned against his bag on the patio floor. His smile that formed as he saw me walking up relaxed me a little, and I remembered to keep breathing.

“Hey,” I said, edging my word with a hint of uncertainty.

“Hey.” I watched as he put his bookmark into his current page and shoved his book back into his satchel, dusting the back of his jacket off as he stood up. “I’ve started reading Pet Sematary again.”

“I’m reading The Catcher in the Rye for school.”

“That’s a good book too.” We stood for a moment in silence as I tried to figure him out.

“So uhh, what did you want?” That smile formed on his face again, though this time with a hint of playfulness. My heart was pounding again. I couldn’t shake the idea of him having heard something already. I kept telling myself that I’d done nothing wrong.

“Well I was just stopping by on my way back from Art School. What took you so long? Mikey walked past like, half an hour ago.” I just shrugged, not really wanting to talk about it. “Well remember when you made me sit with you guys and watch that shitty movie?”

“It wasn’t so bad.”

“It was shit. Anyway, I figured out how you can repay your debt to me for sitting through that, and watching Mikey playing tonsil hockey.” He screwed up his face and jabbed me in the arm lightly before he began to walk off. “You coming, or what?” he called out after me, waiting half way down my drive for me. I guess I was.