The Alexander Swallowtail

I let my feet dangle freely in the air behind me as I lay on Gerard’s bed, flipping through book after book but not really feeling all that helpful. Gerard had a project for one of his classes that required him to research an art form and how it originated and a few other things that were too technical for me to understand, and hence had been forgotten the instant he’d spoken them.

“Why didn’t you choose something you’re already good at?” I asked, putting another book aside and picking up a new one from the pile of library books on the floor.

“Hey, who says I won’t be good at origami? And besides, I think if my teacher sees me drawing another comic she might kick me out of her class. This might impress her.”

“You have a nice voice. I mean, you can sing. You were singing that cemetery song on the weekend.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, his face turning an unexpected shade of pink.

“Why don’t you use your voice to do something?” Gerard simply shrugged and went back to taking notes. It was a little while later that he brought it up again, as if he’d been thinking about it all this time.

“I don’t feel all that comfortable singing. Just me and a guitar. I’m not that good. You’d hear the imperfections.”

“Maybe the imperfections would make it better. You know, like a personal style or something. Like Bob Dylan, or Amanda Palmer.”

“Maybe.” I had to smile a little as he continued to blush, his eyes not looking up from the notepad in front of him as he tapped his pen on the side of his desk. His hair would fall in his face and he’d leave it there for a while before he tucked it back behind his ear, as if he’d been too deep in thought over what he was doing to be interrupted like that.

I went back to reading through the book I had in front of me, looking for interesting little facts and then flipping through the various origami designs.

“Hey, look at this one,” I said, flipping the book the other way around so he could see. Finally, he looked at me.

“The Alexander Swallowtail…”

“It looks difficult… but there’s something nice about it, you know?”

“I like that one,” he agreed, giving me a tiny smile before turning back to his page. I tore off a piece of paper and made it into the neatest square I could without ripping the edges. It was a little bit funny that Gerard was doing a project on origami and hadn’t thought about purchasing any square paper for it. I mean, even I knew that square paper was the deal with most of these. I was suddenly very aware of his eyes on me as I began the first few folds, the both of us jumping as his bedroom door suddenly flung open.

“Hey Gerard have you seen my –” Mikey stopped speaking as he saw me. I felt like I was doing something wrong all of a sudden, like I wasn’t supposed to be hanging out with Gerard. By the look on his face, Mikey seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“I didn’t know you were here,” he said to me, his eyes then travelling to Gerard who again wasn’t lifting his head to look at people.

“You didn’t see me waiting outside her house earlier?” Gerard muttered, seeming a little bit annoyed all of a sudden. I wasn’t sure what that was about, or if it even made any sense at all.

“Why would I notice that?” Mikey asked, also seeming puzzled by Gerard’s sudden mood.

“I don’t fucking know, Mikey. What do you want? I’m trying to study.”

“Oh. Oh!” Mikey seemed to understand then what I was doing there, thought didn’t look totally convinced of his findings. “Anyway, have you seen my jacket?” Gerard shook his head. Mikey left after that, giving us another strange look as he closed the door behind himself. A long sigh left Gerard’s lips as he put his pen down and rested his temple on his hands looking down.

“I’m sorry, you know, for what he’s doing. Or not doing. He’s gone from walking you home from school every day for years and years to not even glancing across at your house to wonder if you got home safe.”

“I’m fine, Gerard. I’m quite capable of walking home by myself.”

“But that’s not the point, is it?” he said, lifting his face to look at me, and for some reason, it caused tears to well in my eyes. I knew what he was saying, but he was the wrong person that I wanted saying it. I wanted Mikey to notice how far we’d drifted in such little time. I wanted him to care as much as Gerard seemed to.

“I’ll be okay,” I said quietly. My tears fell and made little marks on the open page in front of me, still stuck on that swallowtail butterfly. Gerard got up from where he was sitting and sat down beside me, though a little awkwardly, and wrapped his arm around me as I tried my best to cry silently. But it wasn’t working, because the harder I shook the closer Gerard held me and the more it reminded me of those hard nights with Mikey in his place. I didn’t want to be upset, of course, but even if that were the deal I’d still give anything to be back in time.