The Alexander Swallowtail

My mother didn’t come home that night, or the next. I was used to her erratic behaviour, though admittedly something didn’t feel right.

Mikey walked home with me from school on the Wednesday which was a surprising, although welcome, change. At first I thought something had happened between him and Clarissa, but it wasn’t really like that. I was sure I worsened our already strained friendship when I couldn’t find a reply to what he’d said. So, Clarissa wanted to be better friends with me. She wanted to hang out on the weekend, just us two. I had nothing to say to that, and so I remained silent until we got to our street. He dropped the subject. I felt like such an asshole.

It wasn’t that I hated her. I’d found by now that I simple couldn’t – there was something about her that I wanted to like; perhaps it was just that she hadn’t really done anything wrong. We had quite a bit in common sometimes. She’d make little jokes and I’d find myself giggling when no one else did. She was always sending me kind smiles, and was the first to make room for me at our lunch table when I got there. She was too nice to me, considering how I sometimes wanted to act in return.

“Well anyway, my mum wants to speak to you,” Mikey had said. “It’s important.” Those were pretty much the only words I remember being spoken to me between then and now, mostly because of how hurt Mikey had sounded. He’d been quick to leave me with Mrs Way after that.

As I leaned against the wall in the hallway I thought about Mikey and how all we’d been doing lately was hurting one another. I needed him. I wanted to be able to tell him that. I felt the tears as they ran down my face and wiped them away quickly before I went to check on my mother in bed.

She’d fallen. That was all. Kyle had been there. I hated the way I’d exploded at him when he brought her home. He was still guiding my mother inside and into her room when I’d been screaming at him.

’How dare you hurt my mother! How dare you hurt her!’

Of course, that hadn’t been the case. She really had just simply… fallen. The hospital ran so many tests on her whilst she was there, but she told me not to worry. She said she’d been tired lately, maybe stressed, and that it would all be okay.

“Are you awake?” I whispered as I pushed on her bedroom door, finding her leaned up against the headboard reading a book. She looked much better today. “I have to get to school but I made you breakfast.”

“Thank you, Alison. Don’t be late will you?” I shook my head and hurried off, not wanting her to be stressing any more than she had to. School would be a struggle, though Fridays were always tough.

---

Needless to say that I’d been walking myself home alone again since Mikey and I’s failed conversation on Wednesday. We were barely talking at school now, though Clarissa would try and encourage it by engaging us both. I was thankful for her doing that, in a way. Those moments were the only ones I had where I could pretend everything was still okay. I could pretend nothing was wrong. Mikey never mentioned my mum at school and as no one had asked, I assumed he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone else, either.

As I was walking home, I was graced with a familiar sight on my porch. Gerard put his bookmark in his page and got back up, though his smile was missing this time round.

“How’s your mum?” he asked, scratching the back of his head almost nervously.

“She’s doing better. She seemed okay this morning. She was up and about all last night.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” There was a small silence as Gerard felt around in his pockets for his smokes, lighting one up and pulling my arm to get me to follow his stride.

“Listen,” he began, exhaling his smoke up into the sky. “I thought you might want a break from things. I found my copy of Pet Sematary and wondered if you wanted to watch it tonight? Mikey’s out…”

“Listen, Gerard. I don’t need your charity. Did your mum put you up to this?” He seemed utterly puzzled by my accusation.

“What? Why would my mum suggest that I get you to watch horror movies with me? If anything, she’d be entirely against the idea. I know Mikey would be…”

“What? Why?”

“It hardly matters. I mean, I like hanging out with you.” It felt nice that someone wanted my company, as lousy as it would probably turn out to be. “So?” I found myself wandering a small distance behind Gerard as he walked us over to his, pausing on his own porch to finish off his smoke. I watched as he sucked on the end and how his cheeks would hollow. He had tiny teeth which would show when he spoke from the corner of his mouth, or laughed, or did the both of those combined. I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about anymore, just that his lips were moving and for the first time in my life, I wondered what it’d be like if they were to move against my own.