Space Enough to Grow

Kade

"I think I know what's wrong with him.." I said to Austin as we watched Chris in total shock. He was sitting there, rocking back and forth like some insane asylum patient. Whispering words to himself. He looked so innocent and so vulnerable. I've never seen this Chris before. He's always been so bold and so hardened. So guarded. It was the best way to describe him when he bought me as his slave. It was the only way to describe him because he never let anyone in completely. He never let anyone see the unexplored depths of Chris. He never let anyone see the real Chris Cerulli.

"Sing me to sleep...sing me to sleep...I'm tired..and I...I want to go to bed" Chris cried to himself softly. Austin and I looked at each other. Chris seemed to be in his own little world.

"Talk later. Save Chris now" Austin said to me and I nodded before turning back to Chris. I had to be careful around him because I didn't know what he would do. I hated thinking of Chris as some caged animal but he's in a very delicate state right now. I wobbled in front of him and held my large stomach as I got down on my knees in front of him. Just seeing Chris this way broke my heart so much. He looked so broken and his blood shot eyes were crying for help.

"Don't try to wake me...in the morning...cause I will be gone" He sang quietly. It was a mixture of singing and crying. I held back my own tears as I reached for his hands. Our skin made contact and I paused for a few seconds. I didn't wanna make any sudden movements that would scare him. When he didn't react, I carefully and slowly pried his fingers from his midnight locks. It was slow and gradual. It was almost like he wanted to keep his fingers in his hair. He was comfortable being caged up. He wasn't fighting. I think he was being cautious. He wanted to trust me but wasn't entirely sure if he could trust me.

"It's okay...Chris you can trust me" I whispered soothing words to him. He wouldn't look at me. Instead he was staring off to the side, looking at nothing in particular. But his hands were slipping from his hair a lot easier and faster so I was getting through to him.

"Deep in the cell of my heart...I will feel so glad to go.." Chris's voice was growing smaller and smaller. Ever so slowly, Chris's fingers slipped out from between his thick strands. Well that's one thing. Now its time for him to admit what he's really afraid of. Not just to us but to himself. It's the only way he can move on from whatever was holding him back in the first place.

"Chris...you have to admit what you're really afraid of" I whispered to him and in lazy like motion, he shook his head.

"Sing me to sleep...sing me to sleep...I don't want to wake up on my own anymore" Was his response. I laced my small fingers with his large ones and shifted to where I was looking at his delicate face. We were face to face but his eyes were elsewhere. He was still refusing to look at me.

"It's the only way to help yourself Chris...you have to deal with this or its never going to go away" I urged him and again he shook his head lazily before shifting his head to the other side. Behind me, Austin was getting anxious. I could feel it.

"You said you knew Kade"

"I do...but I wanna give him the chance to admit it for himself" I replied. I let one of his hands go and lifted my fingers to his cheek, carefully turning his face to mine. He looked so tired and worn out. His cheeks were stained with tears and the black bags under his eyelids looked almost superficial.

Trying to coax him into saying it wasn't going to work. I was figuring that out. He's not going to admit it because he feels as if he doesn't, he doesn't have to face reality. He doesn't have to face the source of his anger and hurt. So I decided to take the final approach.

Telling him the truth myself so he can't run from it.

"You're not afraid of losing us are you?" I asked and he did the lazy motion. I shook my head with him to keep him calm. It was like talking to a child.

"No that's not what you're afraid of Chris...no...what you're afraid of is abandoning us" His movements stopped. His singing stopped. Everything seemed to stop and I knew then. I knew right then that I had hit the deepest wound he had. His problem wasn't losing me or the baby. He knew he could protect us both if he really tried to. The real problem is himself. He doubts himself. From the second he found out I was pregnant until now, I could tell he fretted and agonized over his future of being a father from his own experience with his father, who basically abandoned the roles of being a dad.

"You're afraid that you will be just like him...what you told me on the cliff was just the surface wasn't it? Your hatred and fear goes deeper than that" More tears fell down his cheeks, making them glisten again. Chris closed his eyes tightly. He knew he couldn't run from the truth anymore. I think he was ready to face it. And for the first time, he actually spoke.

"Every time I look in the mirror...I see him. Everything about me is just like him...I'm gonna be just like him.."His voice was still small but I could tell it was Chris. He was slowly and gradually coming back to reality. My hands lifted to his cheeks and I cupped them softly. His eyes were still closed but they were smoothing out. The tension was leaving his body. I said nothing because I didn't want to ruin the moment. He needed to let it all go.

"I don't want to be like him...I don't want to make everyone hate me...I want to be there for my baby...I don't want to make the same mistakes as him...I...I don't want to be afraid..anymore" He whispered the last part before his head slowly fell back. I paused and watched in what seemed like slow motion. His entire body fell backwards, hitting the ground with a soft force. I was utterly confused by what happened until I saw him lay on his side and curl up into a ball.

A smile crept onto my face as I realized he was asleep. I even let out a chuckle because he was asleep. I had helped him. Chris was going to be okay.

"Kade you did it" Austin cheered quietly as he lifted me off the ground. I gripped his arms and hung onto him, the smile widening a bit.

"No he did it. He just needed some help along the way" I said as I watched Chris. He actually looked to be a peace despite being asleep on the carpet. I really don't think he cared. I think his body was just happy to be able to sleep without nightmares plaguing him.
☆☆

"How did you know?" Austin asked me as we sat at his kitchen table. We decided to leave Chris alone. He was still on the floor and we didn't want to risk moving him and waking him up in the process. He needed as much sleep as possible. So we joined Alan downstairs who was making brownies partly because I wanted some brownies.

I took a sip of my drink before speaking.

"A few weeks ago, Chris took me to a place he held close to his heart. Up there, he told me of his life. Everything that led up to who he was today" I explained to Austin who nodded. Alan came over and sat on Austin's lap.

"Yeah I heard he didn't have the best upbringing" Alan chimed in and I nodded to confirm.

"Yeah he also let me in on something. He admitted to me that he was afraid of being like his parents. One would think that it would end there but it didn't. He admitted it to me but not fully to himself"

"Dreams are typically how we deal with our emotions. Thats why some are violent or mixed up or stuff like that. We all have different ways of dealing with our problems" Austin added to the conversation. We were getting on the same page.

"I don't think Chris has ever dealt with his abandonment issues. He's never really had a reason to until now. We have a child on the way. We are getting closer and closer to the due date. I think that's why issues are rising now. The closer we get, the more terrified he becomes" I said before taking a drink of my soda.

"Since he won't deal with it awake.." Austin started.

"His conscious forces him to deal with it when he's asleep" Alan finished and we knew we had it all figured out.

"Hence why he kept saying that when he finds us, it will all go away" I added on.

"He was pushing himself not to give up on you and the baby. He would have abandoned you if he did....damn" Austin sighed and leaned back in his seat. Alan placed a chaste kiss on his head and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"What is it baby?" Alan asked sweetly of Austin. I listened closely.

"I knew he had problems. I just didn't know how deep rooted they were. He's always so on guard and hardened. It was...weird seeing him breakdown. It was almost like seeing a child" Austin explained and I agreed with him. On the outside, Chris is a hardened shell. He didn't put up walls. Inside he put up a fortress around himself so that no one could unlock the door into the depths. He built it so that not even Chris himself could look inside. He didn't want to admit that he was cracked or broken. He painted this... illusion of himself. An illusion that nothing was wrong with him and that everyone else was the problem. Everyone stood in his way. Shut them all out and you can move forward. Unfortunately its not that easy. You can't keep shutting everyone out. In the end, you will just fall.

Today was a glimpse at the real Chris. He's not evil. He's not mean. He's not careless or reckless. Chris is broken. He's a shattered mirror. Behind all that hardened armor is a mere child. A child that just wants to be loved.

☆☆

Chris was still asleep when Austin drove his car home. I had to have Austin carry him inside. Chris wasn't getting up any time soon. He hasn't slept at all in the past few weeks so he probably wouldn't be awake until tomorrow morning.

"What's wrong with him?" Ricky asked me. I pressed my finger to my lips and shushed him.

"Just carry him to his room" I whispered to Austin who nodded before carefully carrying Chris upstairs. Devin came out from the kitchen holding a glass of blood. Ricky was still waiting for me to answer.

"He's finally asleep. Nothing is wrong Rick" I decided on saying because nothing was wrong anymore. Everything was gonna be fine.

"I'll call and check up on Chris in the morning Kade" Austin said as he came down the stairs. I nodded to him as he carefully hugged me. It was hard since my stomach was so big.

"Thank you for helping Austin"

"Anything for you guys. You know that. Just make sure no one wakes him. He needs as much sleep as possible" I nodded to him. Austin offered me a smile and said his goodbyes before leaving. I let out a yawn and turned to Devin.

"Please make sure things are quiet. I don't wanna wake Chris" I said to him and he nodded.

"Of course. Go rest Kade" Devin nudged me and I smiled at him before slowly walking up the stairs and to our room. I smiled wider as I saw Chris on his side, still in that same fetal position.

Chris has come from a dark past. He's been through a lot of mental anguish and it's carried into his adult life. He has a long way to go to being a father. Both of us do. But I think we can do it together. Chris is going to be a great father. Its inside of him. I known it is. All he needed was help bringing it out. All Chris needed was someone to love him.

And I can't help but think that...that person is me. I think I'm going to be the one to love him

Looking at his sweet sleeping face, feeling that connection towards him. Sometimes, I think I already do love him.