Flower's Bloom

Anya laid in her hospital bed and was in deep thought. She actually was trying not to think of anything, but she was failing incredibly. The more she tried to clear her mind, the more her mind focused on what was around her. She laid in bed, unable to leave; and just was aware.

She was so very much aware.

She was aware of the wind that rustled a branch just outside her window. The branch peeking in a tantalizing way, and she could not even see the trunk. It was a branch that reached to the window of her bed to scrape against the window ever so smoothly but she would hear it, behind all the constant noise, as a background to everything else.

She was aware of the birds chirping outside of the hospital. In the eight days Anya was in that room, she had learned to tell the different chirps apart, from distressed to soothing. She knew which were happy and which were calling out trying to reach for friend. There were so many birds outside her window, she would count them daily to see how many she could count without forgetting, and counted twenty-seven birds. Somehow, twenty-seven birds seemed like too many birds in one area to Anya. Eleven chirped every morning before the sun rose. They would call to one another and they respond in a good morning call. It would wake Anya and she rarely got any sleep as it was. Here she was trying to get some rest to hopefully get better, and yet, all she could think of were how many birds were in a day. It bothered her to think of the birds but it was often what she thought of for hours in the morning.

She was aware of her beating heart thumps in her chest. The pumps were a low drum in her ears that she could not ignore. Always there, always beating inside, and always coming to the front of her mind. She was aware of the numbness of her toes. She could wiggle them if she focused but since she could not feel them, the only way she knew if they moved or not was if she looked. It was her body what she was most aware of, and yet she wanted to know nothing of . Because unfortunately, looking was quite the double edged sword.

If she looked, that meant she had to see. She had to see her broken body. She had to see her light skin contrast harshly against the dark purple bruises on her limbs. Those marks that decorated her body and made her look like she was a gruesome painting. The television stayed on all day and night because she could not stand to see herself in its dark screen’s reflection. Seeing herself was the worst. Looking at her own face as it looked so hollow… it was unbearable.

“Miss DuGray?” came a chirp from the doorway. Anya looked to the speaker. It was her nurse, Patricia Prescott. Anya gave a small smile and nodded to indicate that Nurse Patty was allowed to enter the room. Anya’s smile was polite, but of all the people who could have come in, she hated that it was almost always Nurse Patty. Anya was jealous of Patricia and Anya hated being both sick and jealous. It made her feel pathetic. A sick pathetic ungrateful person, and she hated that even more. Being aware of her jealousy did not make Anya any less jealous of Patricia.

Patricia was beautiful. In fact, she was gorgeous. Her body moved with a ballerina’s grace. Her hands had a gentleness that was like somehow, if she touched someone, all their problems would melt away. Her smile was practically permanent yet, seemed so natural. Her almost red lips pulled back in ease to reveal a kind grin that soothed those around her. Her peach skin made her periwinkle blue eyes stand out strongly but her natural kindness made her gaze gentle and calming. And to her dismay, Nurse Patricia’s light brown hair gleamed with a golden hue with any light, not just the sunlight. It was as if she had a halo just to make her angelic physique that much more instilled in Anya’s mind.
Yet, Anya’s problems would not melt away, she was not soothed, and she could not be calm. Even with such an angelic person with her near her she could not be soothed. It made Anya feel more frustrated than being stuck in bed, more annoyed than having to look out of the window, and having to have such a caring nurse by her side every day.

Why a hospital would hire an angel was beyond Anya’s reasoning. The most she could figure was that maybe Nurse Patricia only worked on the cases with no hope. It would explain why she was Anya’s nurse. Maybe the hospital thought that if an angel nursed the sick, they stood a better chance of getting better. Or maybe it made it easier for the sick to let go of their slipping grip on the world if they knew an angel would walk with them as they left. Either way, Anya felt patronized. But she never complained about her nurse. No. Anya figured, if she were going to die, then the person who could discover her body would be Nurse Patricia Prescott. Maybe then there would be a moment where the nurse would not be smiling.

It was petty, Anya knew, but she was not about to admit it.

Nurse Patty entered the room with her kind gentle smile and Anya felt sick looking at her. But her stomach practically dropped out of her when Nurse Patty gave her some news.

“Miss DuGray, your friend, Jonathan, is here to see you.” Anya smiled and told the nurse a polite thanks as her fiancé, Jonathan entered her hospital room.

Jonathan was a sweet boy. Anya met him when she was waiting for her friend to come back from doing something. Anya could not even remember what it was her friend was doing, which was odd because she was sure it was something important. She had met Jonathan and it was as if he made her life better. Normally he made her feel good, he made her feel noticed. But today, with her hair unwashed, her face dark with circles from lack of sleep, and her body weak, his presence only made her feel worse.

Jonathan gave Anya a warm smile. Anya smiled back meekly. She hoped he would assume it was from her ailed body that made her smile weak.

Jonathan went to her bedside and picked up the flower vase on the hospital desk.

“So how are you, Anya?” Jonathan asked as he pulled out the old flowers and replaced them with new ones. He replaced the flowers everyday. And he would do the same thing every time he would. He would arrive at 2:15 and head straight over to the flowers as he entered. He would then proceed to pull them out, one purple lavender at a time. He would do it based on what he deemed to be the most wilted first. But it always ended with him replacing all the lavenders with new ones. He got her lavenders because he knew that they were her favorite. And he would make sure the bundle he got were as dark as he could get them because she liked them nearly blue.

“I’m fine, Jonathan,” Anya told him. She would tell him that every time he asked. And she knew that she would tell him that every time. She could be hearing her heartbeat slowing, and she would say that she was fine. She could be watching her monitor beep too rapidly, and she would say she was fine. Her doctor could be saying that she had only minutes to live, and she would tell Jonathan that she was fine.

She had to be fine. She had to be strong. Anya was strong. She was not always before, but now...now she had to be.

So Jonathan talked to her as he always would. His words were filled with sweet kindness and expected patience that irritated Anya. His waiting for her irritated her. His constant presence irritated her. She just wanted him gone. His sad, concerned, gentle eyes on her made her feel worse and she had a failing body. She had a failing body and the love of her life being near her made her feel worse. Anya did not know when she had become such a horrible fiancée. She did not know at what moment it was that she started to resent Jonathan. The fact that she did not know made her even more upset.

Jonathan finished with the placement of new flowers and he walked over to Anya’s side. He took a firm hold of her hand in his and smiled brightly.

“Did you even hear a word I said, Anya?” he chuckled.

Anya felt her stomach clench. Had she really been so caught up thinking about hating him that she ignored him talking to her? How embarrassing.

“Sorry,” Anya said. “I didn’t realize I was zoning out.”

“It’s understandable,” Jonathan said as he ran a thumb over the top of her hand lovingly. “I was wondering if you had heard any news from the doctor? Maybe something changed?”

Anya wanted to grind her teeth but she knew that was a sign of her frustration that Jonathan would notice easily. Instead, she deliberately relaxed and put on a slightly saddened expression as she said, “No. There is no change.”

Jonathan’s eyes momentarily saddened but Anya saw him fight to keep the disappointment from his face. Instead, his smile brightened.

“Well,” he said, “I’m sure they’ll find something.”

Anya smiled back. “Yes, I’m sure. Maybe I’ll start feeling better. If that happens, maybe the doctors will feel better about this too.”

Jonathan leaned in and kissed her. It was a quick kiss. One to wish her confidence. Anya felt his heart breaking though. He was so positive. He had great faith in her doctors. More than Anya did.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m sure of it.”

They talked for a while about the happenings in life outside the hospital. Anya’s mother apparently constantly wreaked havoc on the hospital staff every time she visited, the hospital had a new system to let her in easily and keep her as busy as possible without causing a disruption to other patients. The other person in the car accident from a few weeks before had finally been discharged. Anya’s work had finally gotten a temporary worker to fill Anya’s place while she was on leave. The wedding plans had all been canceled easily and Jonathan managed to get refunded for most of the monies that had been paid. Anya’s friend, Mary Brown, had had her baby. So much was happening in the outside world. Anya tried to be interested but she felt her anger riling up inside of her. How was it that the rest of the world could move on so easily without her? How could Anya be satisfied with Anya’s life moving while she had no choice but to stay still? When she could only watch infomercials at two a.m and watch flowers bloom outside from her window, the rest of the world was living. She could only see the flowers from afar and the rest of the world could walk up and touch them.

Eventually she felt herself unable to keep her anger down much longer so she told Jonathan that she was feeling tired. Being a perfect fiancé, Jonathan was- of course - understanding and left her to rest. But instead of resting, Anya crossed her arms and looked up to her television set that was placed high in the corner of the room.

Because it was always on, Anya had gotten used to ignoring it. Sometimes she would lie and watch it but, she would not pay attention to the happenings on the screen. No, instead just like now, she would stare at its moving images and allow herself to get lost in her mind. Sometimes she would think about things critically. Other times she would just remember. Remembering was not her favorite thing to do. It made her lonely. It made her angry. It made her feel many things she simply did not have the energy for. So usually- like now- she just stared at it. She let her mind wander off to nothing where she was not mad. She was not happy, but she was not frustrated or irritated either. She just… was.

Later on that day, Nurse Patty came to change out Anya’s iv When she did, she told Anya she had visitor. This woke Anya from her daze.

“What?” she asked.

“Someone is here for you, I heard,” Nurse Patty repeatedly happily. “Isn’t that great? You haven’t had a new visitor in a while.”

“A new visitor?” Anya asked incredulously. “Who is it?”

Nurse Patty hummed to herself as she tried to remember. “You know, I heard it, but I can’t place my finger on the name.” She thought for a moment. “Nope-ers. I can’t remember it well. Last name is just not in my noggin’ but I’m positive that the first name was something like a flower. Yeah. It was some kind of flower.”

Anya was sure she would ponder later on how it was possible that Nurse Patty could make Anya feel any worse. Anya felt like her heart stopped. It had not, she knew. After all, she could see her monitor clearly saying that her heart had sped up.

Nurse Patty noticed too.

“Oh my, Anya,” Patricia Prescott quickly went over to check on Anya’s vitals. “Anya, are you okay?”

But Anya was not listening to Patricia. Instead she was focusing on the conversation outside. A familiar voice had asked for directions to Anya’s room and Anya heard a nurse say, “Ah, yes, Miss DuGray’s room is that one right there.”

No. Anya was frantic. No, Anya DuGray is not here! she thought. Oh, why did she not tell her nurse this?

Anya would have would have done anything to prevent the steps from behind Nurse Patty from coming closer. Of all the people in her life, of all the people Anya ever met, she did not want to see Lilly. Anyone else. Anya would rather sit through another sob session from her mother than be five minutes in the room with Lilly. She would rather move in with Nurse Patty than have a visit from Lilly. She would rather have dinner with Derek, the boy in 4th grade who cut her hair so she had a bald spot on her scalp and resulted in her wearing a wig for 6 months, than to have Lilly enter the room.
Anya could not bear to see the woman who was supposed to be her best friend.

Anya watched in agony as the first step crossed into her room. And she felt her chest hold its air and not let it go. She did not know why she held her breath, but breathing seemed like a dumb idea when the person in front of her stood so… so her.

If Anya had to explain Lilly, or describe Lilly in one word, “Lilly” was what came to mind. “Glorious” was next but people tended to think badly of that description. Instead, Anya would describe her friend as “wonderful” and hoped people would not push for more detail because she meant “wonderful” in just that meaning: full of wonder.

Of course, the second Anya placed her gaze on her friend, she calmed down. That was one of Lilly’s magic powers. She was like a calming breeze. Of course, it was the calm before the storm that Lilly truly was. Then again, maybe not. If Anya thought about it (and she had before) Lilly was like both sides of the same coin. She was both the calm before the storm, and the storm itself. She was brilliant that way.

“Miss DuGray, are you alright?” Nurse Patty was still checking on Anya. Patricia was confused as to how Anya’s frantic body rapidly had calmed down.

“Yes, I’m fine,” Anya said waving off her caring nurse. “Please, give me some time, Nurse Patty.” Anya’s eyes looked straight ahead at the woman who had entered her room.

Lilly stood tall in the doorway. And as Nurse Patty hussled out of the room, Lilly did not waiver and like anyone else who walked beside Lilly, it was Nurse Patty who moved to accommodate her. Nurse Patty probably did not notice, but it was something Anya always noticed. If Lilly wanted to be invisible and fast, then she could be. If she was in no mood to be unnoticed, then everyone noticed her. She had a strong presence; one that was unyielding, stoic, and strong. Even if people did not notice it consciously, Lilly took control of a room with ease. Anya scoffed.

Lilly noticed Anya’s unpleasant reaction and her eyebrow raised inquisitively. Anya’s eyebrows narrowed.

With a hard voice Anya asked, “Who told you?”

Lilly took a small breath in, and her expression smoothed out to her normal gaze. It was the one Anya was in no mood to see. Lilly’s natural, resting expression was so pretentious. It was as if she were looking down on whatever was in her gaze. To be fair, Lilly was a tall woman, so technically she was often looking down at people, but Anya did not feel like being fair. Lilly’s gaze was especially pretentious to Anya because there Anya was laying in a hospital bed while Lilly was able to stand in her glorious, Lilly-way.

“Was it Jonathan?” Anya continued. Lilly still did not answer. Anya’s hands fell to her sides and she gripped her blankets. She could not help but grind her teeth. Lilly’s very presence was so unwanted, so unnecessary, so aggravating that Anya could not hide her emotions as she had with Jonathan.
“I told him not to call you. I don’t need you here,” Anya snapped. She looked to Lilly expectantly but still no response came from her “friend.” Instead, Lilly’s gaze shifted to the lavenders in the room. She walked over to them.

“Okay, so not Jonathan then?” Anya raked her mind as to who could have told Lilly. “Was it my mother? I bet it was her. She had no right. I told her you were busy! You were busy, after all. I mean, you’re always busy. I don’t know why you would come here. I mean, weren’t you off saving people or something? Why come here? I didn’t ask you to!” Anya had not noticed, but somewhere along the lines, her voice had gotten louder and her breathing harder. Lilly, however, seemed unphased by Anya’s outburst. Instead, she simply picked out a lavender and smelled it.

Anya was angry but, she could not help but think that her friend looked so beautiful like that. It was strange, Lilly was so strong that “pretty” was not really a word Anya would often use to describe her. However, with the afternoon sun pouring through Anya’s window, and Lilly’s brown hair catching every ray, and her golden brown skin radiating light from the sun’s gleams, Lilly looked radiant. If Anya were allowed to, or even up for it, she would have wanted her friend to stay like that so Anya could paint a portrait. It was such a perfect image.

Still, Anya was not about to tell her friend of her stunning beauty. No. Instead, Anya chose to be angry. She chose to let her anger fuel her words.

“Why are you here anyway?” she demanded to know. “What, did you think that I needed you or something? I don’t.” Lilly looked up from the flower and looked to Anya. Anya felt her chest heaving. “WHAT? What is it?!” Anya’s knuckles were white from her tight grip on her blankets. Lilly’s gaze shifted to looking outside. Her lashes cast a shadow on her face that made her eyes stand out even more than they already did. Goodness, she was so opposite to Anya.

“I bet you just love this, right? Another thing you excel at.” Anya knew that was not fair, but she could not help it. “I mean, you get hit with a truck, and it’s just another day. I get in an accident and get all broken. How is that right? And then, I find out that I have- I have,” Anya felt her throat burning. “And I know you say that you don’t count it as being hit because it was backing up but you were. You were. You were hit and you just walked away. And you’ve saved children from fires and talked down people from suicide and you’re perfect. You’re perfect and I get it. And it’s not your fault. But you are just so-” Anya took a deep breath. She did not know if Lilly was listening or not but it did not matter. It did not matter. Because there, Lilly was being so perfect, where Anya was just falling apart. Lilly was a copper statue tall and glorious. Anya was a pasty, sweaty mess that probably smelled. Lilly’s vivacious curls were gentle and soft. Anya’s hair was breaking, was dry, and looked almost grayed out. Lilly was bold; she empowered those around her. Lilly was a leader. Anya was shy; she barely was noticed by others. Anya was not anything. She was just a person.

She remembered how she met Lilly. Lilly had just helped a child down from a tree. She had not even used a ladder to get down from the tree. She just jumped.

Lilly was a brilliant do-er. Anya though, Anya would never jump. That did not mean Anya had to admit it. Lilly can help others. Anya may not have been a lot of things, but one thing she was not was a person who needed to be rescued.

“I don’t need you. I’m strong enough. I’ll get through this on my own.” Anya felt her face curl into an angry frown. “I’m fine! I’m strong enough.”

Lilly blinked. She then turned to Anya. She walked over to Anya and handed her a lavender. Anya looked at the flower in her hand. She did not have to pull it to her nose to be able to smell its scent. It was probably the most potent of the flowers she had. Anya felt her heart slow. The monitor beeped steadily.

Beep... Beep… Beep...

Lilly then sat down on Anya’s bed and looked outside. The sun hit her face in a warm glow.

Beep… Beep...Beep…

Lilly pushed back some hair behind her ear.

Without looking at Anya, she said, “You’re so weak.”

Beep… Beep...Beep…

“Ehe,” Anya hiccuped. Was it a hiccup? “He he.” It felt like a hiccup. “Ha ha!” No, it was not a hiccup. It was a laugh. She was laughing.

“Aha! Ha ha!” She could not stop laughing. She was laughing and it hurt. Why did it hurt so much?
Anya laughed so hard she could not breathe. She just kept laughing and she could not stop. It was not funny. It was not funny at all and yet-

Water?

Where was water coming from? Where-?

Lilly reached in her pocket and pulled out a tissue. Still not looking at Anya, she handed the tissue to Anya’s hand. Anya took it and realized that somewhere along the line, she had not in fact been laughing. She was crying. She was sobbing. Tears were streaming down her face and her throat burned.

She could not see through her tear-blurred eyes well, but Anya could have sworn Lilly was crying too. It was strange. Fifteen years of friendship and Anya could not remember ever seeing Lilly cry.
Anya must have been in deep trouble if Lilly was crying. So instead, Anya pretended she did not see. Lilly’s voice was smooth when she said what she said. It was a joke. A tease. Lilly thought Anya could be saved. Because if she did not think so… Anya did not have a chance.

Anya cried for so long that eventually her body grew exhausted. The flower in her hand had wilted and some petals had fallen off from her tight grip which she loosened. She stopped crying and laid back in her bed. She looked outside to the branch Lilly was looking at. There was a bud that had blossomed into a flower she could not recognize. It was pretty though.

Anya wondered why she liked flowers so much.