No Longer Feeling

A week had gone by since the death of Chris and I......I didn't want to feel anymore....I felt nothing I felt empty inside.

I would cry myself to sleep every night because I missed him so much we were so close......so close to getting everything we ever wanted. We were going to leave that night the night he died.....I will never forget it....

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"You can't leave Chris what about what the band wants!" I argued to him.

"I'm under a lot of stress Ricky I just need to get away for a bit take a break from it all" he had explained to me.

"Don't you ever think about what I want?! What about me your going to leave me alone?!" I whimpered trying to keep my tears in I didn't want to look weak in front of him.

"I know how you feel about me Ricky..." He softly said.

My eyes went wide he knew how I felt about him all this time "I feel the same about you Ricky.....come with me" he suggested as he walked over and grabbed my hands.

"But I-" I was interrupted by Chris softly placing his lips on mine. It felt real it was like....god I don't know how to describe it but for the first time ever I felt wanted and needed.

Once we both moved our lips away he rested his forehead against mine looking into my eyes. "Well?" He asked. I smiled "yeah I'll go with you" I breathed. I was going to be leaving with Chris the man I had loved for a very long time.

"Wait here pack some stuff and I'll be back in about an hour ok"

"Ok" I responded before he kissed me again and walked off the tour bus.

I couldn't stop laughing not in a humorous way or anything I was just so happy about the situation I was in me and Chris were finally together.

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An hour had passed and I heard nothing for him. I was starting to grow worried. I had sat on the couch on the tour bus tightly holding onto my suitcase.

Another hour had passed and still nothing. Until suddenly the door had opened "Chris!?" I called happily grabbing my heavy suitcase but then I stopped.

But it wasn't Chris.....it was Ghost and there were tears in his eyes "Ricky I'm sorry but.....it's Chris....."
Chris had left me?.....no it can't be I thought.

"What about Chris?!" I said feeling my voice start to break. "Ricky..Chris.....he's dead".

The word Dead echoed through my head no this had to be some sick prank the band was playing on me Chris wasn't dead he can't be he was perfectly fine. I paused waiting for the rest of the band to jump out and laugh but nothing.

"Liar.......YOU DISGUSTING LIAR!!" I screamed tears falling down my cheeks as I pointed my finger at him. As I looked at Ghost's face I realised....no I knew....he wasn't lying.

Ghost ran over to me grabbing me pulling us both onto the floor as I burst into tears. "It's ok" I could hear Ghost faintly whisper but it did not soothe me as I was already broken......

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He had died in a car crash his body was not to be found but there were traces of his blood in the car. And I was hurting so much.

My world had come crashing down. I had shut off all my emotions and everything I had ever felt had gone. My heart was black and so was my soul because I knew I could never let go of him.

Ryan,Ange,Ghost and Balz are always there to support me but I still didn't appreciate it. I had locked myself away from everyone I had not once left the house

I felt suicidal because I was so desperate to be with him no matter how satanic people thought Chris was I knew that he was in a good place and so bad....I wanted to join him.

I had kept a knife in my room for a while now waiting for the right time to join him and I felt like now.....now was the right time I was ready I was sick and tired of hurting I was ready to join him.

I pulled the knife out of my draw and with shaking hands hovered it over to where my chest were my black heart was. "I'll meet you there Chris" I whispered as a tear fell down my cheek and my lip began to quiver.

"RICKY COME DOWNSTAIRS NOW SOMEONE IS HERE TO SEE YOU!!!" Shouted Ryan.

Dammit I thought 'keep holding on Chris' I muttered to my self placing the knife back in the draw and walking out my room.

As I walked down the stairs I felt my heart stop as I saw who it was standing at the door.

No.....it can't be.....I must be imaging things it's impossible......."I didn't die Ricky" said that soft voice that had been so long since I've heard.....Chris.

He looked at me with a smile "Chris?" I muttered as I ran over to him. I begged that it was not my imagination I begged so much for it not to be a dream.

I threw myself into his arms and placed my head to his chest.

'Ba bum ba bum ba bum' there it was....all I needed as proof.....the sound of his heartbeat...it was him he was still alive. I let out tears as I could no longer hold them.

He wrapped his arms around me and I gripped onto his jacket as I erupted into tears letting out screams and cries.I didn't want to know right now why he was gone if he weren't dead or how he survived. Right now he was with me and that's all that mattered.

"I'm here Ricky and this time I am not leaving" I heard him whisper as I continued to cry harder than before.

He kissed my temple before whispering
"I promise"