Down the Drain
down the drain
She breaks the silence abruptly with
“When did you fall in love with me?”
He hears her clearly but say “Huh?” anyways.
So she repeats “When?”
He thinks of the first time they saw the ocean together and how horrible it was. She complained about sand getting everywhere the entire time and her sunburn was so bad he couldn’t even hug her goodnight. He remembers how upset he was, that he couldn’t hug her and how much he missed how she just fit into his arms. Then, he thinks.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs.
“Do you remember when we had to put Luna down and I begged my mom to let you sleepover because I was so sad.”
“Yeah. She still said no.”
“Yeah, I know, but you snuck back in and stayed over anyway. It was then, I think, for me at least. I know we had only been dating like two weeks then, but you just felt so…right and comfortable and I just remember thinking, I don’t mind this at all. I can have this forever..”
“…”
“I guess before you I always found something wrong with everyone. I was always just slightly annoyed by everyone and you came along and were just…perfect, which was slightly annoying at first too, but for some reason I just allowed myself to fall in love with you fully and completely.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still love me sometimes?”
He laughs. “What kind of questions is that?”
“Just answer it.”
“Of course I do. Are you high? Why are you being so sentimental all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. Just because.”
“Is everything okay?”
“…”
“…”
“What?”
“What?”
“What’s wrong. You paused when I asked you if everything was okay. What is it?”
“I don’t know…it’s just...sometimes I wonder if I’m the girl I’m convinced I am. I always want to be this really nice ad loving and caring person but I know how selfish and bitchy I can get sometimes and I don’t know if you love the girl you think I am or the girl I actually am… and it’s hard. “
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, babe. You always get like...fucking metaphorical and shit when you’re upset and I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong instead of having me decode everything.”
“What if I’m not the person you thought I was?”
“You mean like…you’re a cyborg alien who was sent down to earth to study human male life but accidentally fell in love with me and now all of your research is complete so you have to return to your home planet and you’re coming clean?
“…”
“Have you been probing me in my sleep? Is that why I have all of these weird dreams whenever I sleep in your bed? You know, last night I had a dream I was one of the last seven people on earth and we all had to rebuild our entire civilization and I got to choose which continent I was going to—“
“I slept with someone.”
“…start. I chose Australia. Because of the beautiful view of the cosmos from the outback.”
“It was an accident.”
“…”
“…”
----------
She breaks the silence abruptly with “I would never hurt you on purpose. You know that right?”
And he’s not so sure if he knows. It’s not like he’s ever thought to himself She’d never hurt me on purpose. Accidentally maybe, but never on purpose.” Though, he does remember all of his friend’s drunken rants about how their ex-girlfriends were sluts and thinking, Not her.
He feels an emotion that he’s felt so little in his life, that it literally scares him. There are goosebumbs forming on his arms. He didn’t even have a name for it. Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Disbelief? None of those words felt quite right but maybe if you could jam them all together at once it would describe a half of it.
All he can do is laugh.
“Are you going to say anything?”
He takes a deep breath before speaking. “Shit man…wow.”
“Wow?”
“What the fuck? What the actual fuck, are you serious right now? Is this a fucking joke?”
“Don’t get angry. Let be adults about this and talk and…work it out.”
“Don’t get angry? Don’t get ang—what the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t get angry. Okay. Gee,
please tell me how I should feel right now. How would an ‘adult’ handle this situation?”
“You would calm down and talk to me about what happened.”
Within seconds his unexplainable emotion becomes nothing but raw and pure anger.
“Okay. Talk. Because trust me, I am dying to hear the story of how you accidental tripped and FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE.”
“You’re yelling.”
“Of course I’m yelling. Why wouldn’t I be yelling? You just told me you cheated on me!”
“I’m trying to explain myself but I can’t do that if you won’t listen to me.”
“…”
“Can I talk now?”
His hands refuse to stop shaking. “…”
“I was…sad and it wasn’t a good night. I got drunk with a few friends and it just happened. I just missed you so much. I just need you to be here and… you weren’t.”
“So it’s my fault? Excuse me for trying to get an education…you know what, you are so full of shit.”
“Don’t do that, okay? I know that’s not who you are, you’re just angry.”
“Oh my god. You are literally the most self-centered person in the world. Can you like…leave?”
“No, I can’t leave. I’m not one of your stupid little problems you can just push off to the side and never think about again. You’re not going to shrug me off like I don’t mean shit to you. We have to talk about this.”
“We really don’t though. I’m not a fucking idiot. I can put two and two together. I don’t need all of the details.”
“I’m not going to let it end like this. You’re not going to throw two and a half years down the drain. I love you and I know that now and you have to believe me when I say I am so sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be sorry enough.”
He’s not sure if he’s the cause of her tears or not.
“Let’s get one thing clear. I am not throwing anything away. You through it away, okay? When you looked into another guy’s eyes and decided that you didn’t care enough about me to stop, you threw it all away. This is all your fault. I would never. I would’ve never done anything as cruel as that to you. Never. Who even fucking does that someone? Horrible people, that’s who. You’re a fucking horrible person and I can’t believe I’m just now figuring it out. You’ve got the entire fucking world, including me and your god damned self, convinced that you’re this nice and caring person, but that’s complete horse shit isn’t it? I hope you realize that. I really do. Nice people don’t do things like that. Who intentionally hurts people? You fucked him and you knew, you fucking knew, you would tell me and it’d break my heart but you did it anyway. What the fuck is wrong with you, god?! Honestly. There is no working this out. This is nothing anymore. There is no point in talking or trying to fix this, because I will never look at you the same way again. Ever. Seriously just…get the fuck out of my apartment.”
“Please..don’t….don’t do this.”
“…”
“…”
He not even aware of his tears until he feels his cheek tickle.
She doesn’t break the silence this time. The door slams behind her.
“When did you fall in love with me?”
He hears her clearly but say “Huh?” anyways.
So she repeats “When?”
He thinks of the first time they saw the ocean together and how horrible it was. She complained about sand getting everywhere the entire time and her sunburn was so bad he couldn’t even hug her goodnight. He remembers how upset he was, that he couldn’t hug her and how much he missed how she just fit into his arms. Then, he thinks.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs.
“Do you remember when we had to put Luna down and I begged my mom to let you sleepover because I was so sad.”
“Yeah. She still said no.”
“Yeah, I know, but you snuck back in and stayed over anyway. It was then, I think, for me at least. I know we had only been dating like two weeks then, but you just felt so…right and comfortable and I just remember thinking, I don’t mind this at all. I can have this forever..”
“…”
“I guess before you I always found something wrong with everyone. I was always just slightly annoyed by everyone and you came along and were just…perfect, which was slightly annoying at first too, but for some reason I just allowed myself to fall in love with you fully and completely.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still love me sometimes?”
He laughs. “What kind of questions is that?”
“Just answer it.”
“Of course I do. Are you high? Why are you being so sentimental all of a sudden?”
“I dunno. Just because.”
“Is everything okay?”
“…”
“…”
“What?”
“What?”
“What’s wrong. You paused when I asked you if everything was okay. What is it?”
“I don’t know…it’s just...sometimes I wonder if I’m the girl I’m convinced I am. I always want to be this really nice ad loving and caring person but I know how selfish and bitchy I can get sometimes and I don’t know if you love the girl you think I am or the girl I actually am… and it’s hard. “
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, babe. You always get like...fucking metaphorical and shit when you’re upset and I wish you’d just tell me what’s wrong instead of having me decode everything.”
“What if I’m not the person you thought I was?”
“You mean like…you’re a cyborg alien who was sent down to earth to study human male life but accidentally fell in love with me and now all of your research is complete so you have to return to your home planet and you’re coming clean?
“…”
“Have you been probing me in my sleep? Is that why I have all of these weird dreams whenever I sleep in your bed? You know, last night I had a dream I was one of the last seven people on earth and we all had to rebuild our entire civilization and I got to choose which continent I was going to—“
“I slept with someone.”
“…start. I chose Australia. Because of the beautiful view of the cosmos from the outback.”
“It was an accident.”
“…”
“…”
----------
She breaks the silence abruptly with “I would never hurt you on purpose. You know that right?”
And he’s not so sure if he knows. It’s not like he’s ever thought to himself She’d never hurt me on purpose. Accidentally maybe, but never on purpose.” Though, he does remember all of his friend’s drunken rants about how their ex-girlfriends were sluts and thinking, Not her.
He feels an emotion that he’s felt so little in his life, that it literally scares him. There are goosebumbs forming on his arms. He didn’t even have a name for it. Betrayal? Anger? Sadness? Disbelief? None of those words felt quite right but maybe if you could jam them all together at once it would describe a half of it.
All he can do is laugh.
“Are you going to say anything?”
He takes a deep breath before speaking. “Shit man…wow.”
“Wow?”
“What the fuck? What the actual fuck, are you serious right now? Is this a fucking joke?”
“Don’t get angry. Let be adults about this and talk and…work it out.”
“Don’t get angry? Don’t get ang—what the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t get angry. Okay. Gee,
please tell me how I should feel right now. How would an ‘adult’ handle this situation?”
“You would calm down and talk to me about what happened.”
Within seconds his unexplainable emotion becomes nothing but raw and pure anger.
“Okay. Talk. Because trust me, I am dying to hear the story of how you accidental tripped and FUCKED SOMEONE ELSE.”
“You’re yelling.”
“Of course I’m yelling. Why wouldn’t I be yelling? You just told me you cheated on me!”
“I’m trying to explain myself but I can’t do that if you won’t listen to me.”
“…”
“Can I talk now?”
His hands refuse to stop shaking. “…”
“I was…sad and it wasn’t a good night. I got drunk with a few friends and it just happened. I just missed you so much. I just need you to be here and… you weren’t.”
“So it’s my fault? Excuse me for trying to get an education…you know what, you are so full of shit.”
“Don’t do that, okay? I know that’s not who you are, you’re just angry.”
“Oh my god. You are literally the most self-centered person in the world. Can you like…leave?”
“No, I can’t leave. I’m not one of your stupid little problems you can just push off to the side and never think about again. You’re not going to shrug me off like I don’t mean shit to you. We have to talk about this.”
“We really don’t though. I’m not a fucking idiot. I can put two and two together. I don’t need all of the details.”
“I’m not going to let it end like this. You’re not going to throw two and a half years down the drain. I love you and I know that now and you have to believe me when I say I am so sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be sorry enough.”
He’s not sure if he’s the cause of her tears or not.
“Let’s get one thing clear. I am not throwing anything away. You through it away, okay? When you looked into another guy’s eyes and decided that you didn’t care enough about me to stop, you threw it all away. This is all your fault. I would never. I would’ve never done anything as cruel as that to you. Never. Who even fucking does that someone? Horrible people, that’s who. You’re a fucking horrible person and I can’t believe I’m just now figuring it out. You’ve got the entire fucking world, including me and your god damned self, convinced that you’re this nice and caring person, but that’s complete horse shit isn’t it? I hope you realize that. I really do. Nice people don’t do things like that. Who intentionally hurts people? You fucked him and you knew, you fucking knew, you would tell me and it’d break my heart but you did it anyway. What the fuck is wrong with you, god?! Honestly. There is no working this out. This is nothing anymore. There is no point in talking or trying to fix this, because I will never look at you the same way again. Ever. Seriously just…get the fuck out of my apartment.”
“Please..don’t….don’t do this.”
“…”
“…”
He not even aware of his tears until he feels his cheek tickle.
She doesn’t break the silence this time. The door slams behind her.
♠ ♠ ♠
is it bad?