From Fat to Skinny
Jan 1st, Thursday
And happy fucking New Years too.
God, I'm not mad at him, but I am mad.
I wish I could be one of those perfect boyfriends you read about where he knows just what to say to make things better.
I'm not. I'm like the furthest thing from a perfect boyfriend. I'm the Scumbag Steve of boyfriends.
Instead of being supportive and caring when I inadvertently offend him, I just keep going and deliberately hurt him. Good god what kind of person am I? Anger isn't an excuse.
I hate yelling at him, and not just because it makes me feel like a monster.
Normal couples argue.
What happened was me yelling and Sebastian just shutting down.
I've never seen someone just shut down like that before.
He kind of looked to the side and the tears slowly built up and pooled there until they overflowed and just trickled down. There wasn't anything behind them; they were nothing like those tears in the ambulance ride. Those had pain and desperation and anger bubbling underneath them. During our fight, he started crying but he didn't seem like he was there in the moment anymore. It seemed like he hurt so his body cried, but only he wasn't there to do anything to stop the tears.
He flinches when I yell at him.
He doesn't meet people's eyes, not properly, especially not when they're strict, female adult figures.
I don't think he's even aware of when he clocks out.
After we fought, he was desperate for physical contact, to be held and reassured. He kept asking if I forgave him. If I was still mad. If I wanted him to leave me alone. He didn't seem anything like the Ricci I knew.
Our argument boiled down to the fact that I didn't get to see him on Christmas and I was butt hurt over that. That's all. And I yelled at my boyfriend so much I made him cry.
I just want to know what to do to fix this.
God, I'm not mad at him, but I am mad.
I wish I could be one of those perfect boyfriends you read about where he knows just what to say to make things better.
I'm not. I'm like the furthest thing from a perfect boyfriend. I'm the Scumbag Steve of boyfriends.
Instead of being supportive and caring when I inadvertently offend him, I just keep going and deliberately hurt him. Good god what kind of person am I? Anger isn't an excuse.
I hate yelling at him, and not just because it makes me feel like a monster.
Normal couples argue.
What happened was me yelling and Sebastian just shutting down.
I've never seen someone just shut down like that before.
He kind of looked to the side and the tears slowly built up and pooled there until they overflowed and just trickled down. There wasn't anything behind them; they were nothing like those tears in the ambulance ride. Those had pain and desperation and anger bubbling underneath them. During our fight, he started crying but he didn't seem like he was there in the moment anymore. It seemed like he hurt so his body cried, but only he wasn't there to do anything to stop the tears.
He flinches when I yell at him.
He doesn't meet people's eyes, not properly, especially not when they're strict, female adult figures.
I don't think he's even aware of when he clocks out.
After we fought, he was desperate for physical contact, to be held and reassured. He kept asking if I forgave him. If I was still mad. If I wanted him to leave me alone. He didn't seem anything like the Ricci I knew.
Our argument boiled down to the fact that I didn't get to see him on Christmas and I was butt hurt over that. That's all. And I yelled at my boyfriend so much I made him cry.
I just want to know what to do to fix this.