Missing You Is Harder Than Expected

All I ever hear these days is “Why don’t you smile more?” or “I wish I could make you smile again”. I understand that the people who say this care. I understand that. I do. It’s just sometimes I want to scream. I have so much going on inside that I just want to curl up into a ball, and turn off my emotions. Although, it does seem like that is what is happening lately. I find it a lot harder to smile. A lot harder to find joy in the world. Things just keep on piling up, up, and up. I just wish I could go back to three months ago when things were happier. Three months ago my Nan was admitted to the hospital with a foot infection. She went in had her surgery everything was fine. Then she wasn’t.

When I went to the hospital to visit her she was alert, and happy. Then during her dinner she was having trouble breathing, and was dry heaving. She wasn’t looking to good. I went up nearly every day to visit. Most of the time I would just sit in the bed next to her and watch her sleep. Just so that she had the company, and wouldn’t wake up alone. She started to get, and I started a new job.

This new job was easy peasy. Just make some coffees here and there. The only problem with the job was the people I was working. That and they didn’t care. I was promptly fired, because I needed time off to deal with the events that followed. They didn’t take the time to train me properly. It was my third shift, and I had a missed call from my mum. It was just an I love you, and take care of yourself call, but I knew deep down that something was wrong. After I called mum and couldn’t get a hold of her I called the hospital. I couldn’t get through to my Nan’s room so I just assumed she was sleeping. She was sleeping, until about three hours later.

I woke up at six o’clock the next morning to a missed call from my cousin, and a text. I knew the minute I opened them that something was wrong. I called my cousin, and she put me on the phone to my Aunty. I have never felt so devastated in my whole life. I felt as though the earth had split, and swallowed me whole. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything except wail. My nan had been fine when I saw her a few days prior to that, and now to find out that she had died in her sleep was the worst news I could ever receive in my life. I still can’t believe it to this day.

It has been three months since she passed, and each day I fell number, and number. I don’t feel like celebrating anything. Not my birthday that has just gone, and certainly not Christmas in a week. I just can’t imagine spending the rest of my life without her. She was the one who I looked up to, my role model. My loving and caring Nana. I don’t think I will ever be the same again.

My moods are changing more, and more. I am more irritable, I am the one who jumps to conclusions too quickly. I am the cause of most the fights between my boyfriend, and I and it kills me. It makes me so sad and upset to fight with him that I just can’t handle it. I take things too personally lately, and I hate that. I relapsed the other day, I had gone 8 months without harming myself, and the other day I did. It got so bad that I was on the verge of ending it all.

There are just some days where I can’t handle anything at all. I just have to keep reminding myself to stand tall, and work through it. It is easier to say then do.