Relax, Baby, That's a Good Girl

Have you ever had that feeling where you just didn't know what to do? Like, not at all? You just want to do what's right without hurting anybody? You don't even know what you want if you really think about it.

Well, that's how I feel.

Firstly, there's Matthew. Matt. He used to be that guy that would sneak up on me. The guy that would kiss me all over. The guy I would have sex with without even a simple 'hi'.

Then he turned into the guy that I started talking to. The guy that understood me. The guy that wanted me. The guy who said he loved me, and the guy I loved.

Then he was the guy I broke up with. He was the guy I didn't realize I was hurting as much as I had. The guy who started drinking way too much and doing a whole lot of other shit just because I'd broken up with him.

Then, there is the guy who I'd been friends with for so long. His name was Frank, but I just called him Frankie. The guy who knew me through and through. The guy I am with now. The other guy I love.

But just because I love him that doesn't mean I can't love my ex.. does it? Because I do. I mean, he never really did anything wrong to me.

It kills me to see the way he's been acting.

It kills me to know that that is all my fault.

It killed me when he said those last words to me.

I didn't really do anything about it though.

It'd been a week since that day that Matt left me in his car, and I was now in the cafeteria sitting in between Frankie's legs.
I was eating grapes, and I put one in his mouth, and he kissed my fingers.
To me, Frankie was amazing.

The bell rang.
I kissed him goodbye, and I went to walk through the hallway.

I saw Matt at his locker. He looked like he hadn't shaved in a long time or put on new clothes for that matter.

But he still looked really good.
To me, Matt was amazing.

Matt finished putting all his things in his messenger bag and closed his locker. As he turned around to walk away, he saw me.

He stopped walking and just stared at me. I don't think he even really realized he was.
I pressed my lips together and slowly made my way over to him.

"You still mad at me?" I asked carefully.
There was a long pause and for a while I didn't think he was going to answer.
"I was never mad at you," he said quietly, not meeting my eyes, like it'd hurt too much too.

"Then can we please stop being like this? It kills me seeing you like this," I said softly.
"It kills me seeing you with him," he said, and I think he meant it just slightly more literally than I had.

I sighed deeply. "Matt, I'm sorry, ok?! What do you want me to do? I'm just trying to not hurt anybody. I didn't mean to hurt you, and you know that. I'm trying all I can, but you won't let me. I just want everything to be OK I love him, Matt."

He glared at me, "Well, at one point I thought you loved me."

"I did," I said. "I do."

"No you don't, or you wouldn't be doing this to me."

"Stop being so immature, Matt. I'm just telling you the truth. I'm trying to make you understand. I love him, and he loves me."

"Well he could never love you as much as I love you." He said staring into my eyes. "I guess it's your loss," he said as he brushed by me.