Status: First Story
Running Through My Mind
Unbearable
There was nothing that could have prepared me for seeing Harry Styles's heart break not once, but twice. Knowing that I was the reason behind anybody's pain was terrible, but knowing that I was the cause of his is unbearable.
The look on his face the moment he was able to connect the dots as to why Emerson looked so familiar was enough to send a chill through your spin that would stay with you for years. There was no anger, just complete and utter devastation.
My heart broke as he looked back and forth from daughter to mother hoping that somehow someway this was all a dream, it wasn't until I gave him a pleading look to not have this conversation while she was lying in the hospital that he fully turned pale. Not just pale, but white. I knew when he found out it was going to be hard, but I should have known that he would have believed that it was entirely his fault. His heart was made of love, much like his daughter's, and I think that the more I was around him the more pieces fell off to never return.
I could see the tears in his eyes, as he nodded and turned out of the room. I gave Emmy a kiss and told her I would be right back.
"Harry please I'm so sorry." I said to him when I finally was able to catch up. He was still walking and his pace was quick, but without purpose.
"Why would you ever apologize. How could you ever apologize to me after what I have done to you." He finally slowed to a stop.One hand was in his hair and the other was over his eyes as if he was ashamed. He would not look up at me, and I could hear the pain in his voice. I wanted more than anything to make it go away.
I didn't know how to respond to that, because I knew that in his mind he was the bad guy. He was the one who wasn't there. That he abandoned me. Of course, none of it made any sense seeing as how I was the one who knowingly kept it from him, and on top of that left. Which made hearing his words only harder. Again, his entire fiber and being was made up of pure love and kindness.
"Don't say that please. I am so sorry I never meant for you to find out like this. Please." I said looking into his bright green eyes that were now radiating due to the tears that were pooling getting ready to descend.
"Briar, she doesn't have a father,and I am the reason for that." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that they were true, but not pertaining to him. I was the real reason behind it all. Yes, there were many kids that did not have two parents but knowing that I deprived her of the chance to love both killed me. I would give anything to even have one minute with my parents again, but yet I denied Harry and Emerson that chance.
My own eyes now filled with tears, "Harry none of this is your fault, it is mine. I wanted more than anything in the entire world to tell you and for us to be her parents. For us to welcome her into this world, and show her how to love, how to be, and how to live. But I robbed you of that, because I also wanted more than anything for her to have a normal life. I thought about what life would be like raising her in a world where you're photographed walking to the park, or going to school and being talked about by complete strangers. I panicked, it wasn't fair to you but I thought that it was what needed to be done.I'm so sorry." The words flowed out of my mouth, before I could even think. I couldn't let him believe that any of this was his fault.
Harry stood in front of me not saying a word, I stared at him searching for a sign, searching for what he was feeling but I couldn't find anything.
After what felt like hours he finally nodded, "I need to fix this, please let me fix this. I don't need for her to call me dad, I don't even need for her to know who I really am. I just need to be in her life. Whatever way I can. Please." He said now taking hold of my hands.
My heart felt as though it was bleeding in my chest. I never thought about how hard all of this would be once he finally knew, I had simply just pushed it away and chose not to deal with it.
"Of course, I never wanted you to not be a part of her life. We will figure this out slowly but surely we will. I promise. I love her with all of my heart, I would do anything to protect her, but you are not what I should have been protecting her from."
He slowly moved his hands up to my shoulders and pulled me in for a tight hug, and after a long while I wrapped my own arms around him. All at once my mind was at peace, I was home. This is what should have happened three years ago.
We both reluctantly pulled away and then decided that today was not the day for their introduction so after assuring me that he would call in the morning we went our separate ways and I made my way back to the room.
Emerson was sleeping by the time I got back, as was Luke. I took my shoes off and crawled into the small bed.
Tears fell from my eyes but a sense of relief lingered in the air. Although everything was broken right now, including both Harry and myself, it was able to be fixed.
The look on his face the moment he was able to connect the dots as to why Emerson looked so familiar was enough to send a chill through your spin that would stay with you for years. There was no anger, just complete and utter devastation.
My heart broke as he looked back and forth from daughter to mother hoping that somehow someway this was all a dream, it wasn't until I gave him a pleading look to not have this conversation while she was lying in the hospital that he fully turned pale. Not just pale, but white. I knew when he found out it was going to be hard, but I should have known that he would have believed that it was entirely his fault. His heart was made of love, much like his daughter's, and I think that the more I was around him the more pieces fell off to never return.
I could see the tears in his eyes, as he nodded and turned out of the room. I gave Emmy a kiss and told her I would be right back.
"Harry please I'm so sorry." I said to him when I finally was able to catch up. He was still walking and his pace was quick, but without purpose.
"Why would you ever apologize. How could you ever apologize to me after what I have done to you." He finally slowed to a stop.One hand was in his hair and the other was over his eyes as if he was ashamed. He would not look up at me, and I could hear the pain in his voice. I wanted more than anything to make it go away.
I didn't know how to respond to that, because I knew that in his mind he was the bad guy. He was the one who wasn't there. That he abandoned me. Of course, none of it made any sense seeing as how I was the one who knowingly kept it from him, and on top of that left. Which made hearing his words only harder. Again, his entire fiber and being was made up of pure love and kindness.
"Don't say that please. I am so sorry I never meant for you to find out like this. Please." I said looking into his bright green eyes that were now radiating due to the tears that were pooling getting ready to descend.
"Briar, she doesn't have a father,and I am the reason for that." His words hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew that they were true, but not pertaining to him. I was the real reason behind it all. Yes, there were many kids that did not have two parents but knowing that I deprived her of the chance to love both killed me. I would give anything to even have one minute with my parents again, but yet I denied Harry and Emerson that chance.
My own eyes now filled with tears, "Harry none of this is your fault, it is mine. I wanted more than anything in the entire world to tell you and for us to be her parents. For us to welcome her into this world, and show her how to love, how to be, and how to live. But I robbed you of that, because I also wanted more than anything for her to have a normal life. I thought about what life would be like raising her in a world where you're photographed walking to the park, or going to school and being talked about by complete strangers. I panicked, it wasn't fair to you but I thought that it was what needed to be done.I'm so sorry." The words flowed out of my mouth, before I could even think. I couldn't let him believe that any of this was his fault.
Harry stood in front of me not saying a word, I stared at him searching for a sign, searching for what he was feeling but I couldn't find anything.
After what felt like hours he finally nodded, "I need to fix this, please let me fix this. I don't need for her to call me dad, I don't even need for her to know who I really am. I just need to be in her life. Whatever way I can. Please." He said now taking hold of my hands.
My heart felt as though it was bleeding in my chest. I never thought about how hard all of this would be once he finally knew, I had simply just pushed it away and chose not to deal with it.
"Of course, I never wanted you to not be a part of her life. We will figure this out slowly but surely we will. I promise. I love her with all of my heart, I would do anything to protect her, but you are not what I should have been protecting her from."
He slowly moved his hands up to my shoulders and pulled me in for a tight hug, and after a long while I wrapped my own arms around him. All at once my mind was at peace, I was home. This is what should have happened three years ago.
We both reluctantly pulled away and then decided that today was not the day for their introduction so after assuring me that he would call in the morning we went our separate ways and I made my way back to the room.
Emerson was sleeping by the time I got back, as was Luke. I took my shoes off and crawled into the small bed.
Tears fell from my eyes but a sense of relief lingered in the air. Although everything was broken right now, including both Harry and myself, it was able to be fixed.