Love for You

You've reached Johanna Neal's voicemail. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a message and I'll be sure to get back to you! *Beep!*

James looked around to make sure no one was looking at him smile like an idiot before leaving a message. It was the first time in months that something had put a genuine smile on his face. He was happy that she hadn't changed her voicemail message since he was so sure that she would have by now.

It had been months since he last heard from Johanna and it was making him a nervous wreck that she wouldn't answer any of his calls, text messages, or even his emails. He had his mother and sister call her a few times but Jo wasn't dumb. She knew that he was using them to get ahold of her.

"Hey Jo, it's James," he started. "Please return my calls or texts. I just...I just want to know how you're doing...how the baby is doing..."

He wanted to be mad at Jo for keeping his son away from him. He wanted to be angry at the fact that she wouldn't even give him an update on how he was doing. But how could he be mad when he agreed to their separation and allowing her to take the baby with her? He wanted to be there for her and their son, not wanting to miss the important milestones in his life. He was almost a year old and he wanted to be there when he said his first word, took his first step, and everything else that a first time parent wanted to see. All he was left with was an empty house and their dog, Stella.

"Just call me back please and tell J that I love him and that I miss him so much." He finished and clicked the red button ending the call.

He stared down at his phone where a picture of his son, Jackson, was his wallpaper. Another smile appeared on his face remembering how tiny and soft the baby felt in his arms and the giggles he would hear all the way from another room whenever Jo would play with him.

God, he missed his family so much. He really wished that he hadn't fucked up so bad he made his decision.

-

Jo deleted yet another voicemail from James without hearing what he had to say. After their agreement to separate for a couple of months, she made it clear to him that she didn't want to keep in contact with him. She wanted time to really think about what would happen next in their relationship and had to think about what was best for their child. If she had listened to his voice over the phone or even read any of his messages, she knew that she would fall right back into his arms and that they would always be stuck in their endless cycle of fighting and making up.

She rocked her baby back and forth in the middle of her parents' home back in Los Angeles. She was in desperate need of a nap after being awake for almost two days. Jackson had been sick which kept her up at night. She was afraid something might happen to him or that his simple cold would become worse. So she stayed up every night ever since to take care of him.

She was terrified. She knew nothing about being a mother. She could count on one hand how many babies she has held in her arms and how many times she has babysat for a friend before. She wasn't prepared at all and neither was James.

Her pregnancy came as a surprise for everyone. Jo and James did not plan on starting their own family just yet especially since they had only been married for a year. Children were definitely something that they both wanted but not so soon into their marriage. Their parents had been happy, of course, and they were too. But somehow, in the back of Jo's mind, she couldn't fight the feeling she had welling up inside her. She was overjoyed with the life that her and James had created together but there were times where she would be alone with her thoughts where she often thought about not being ready to be a mother just yet. She knew James could see it in her eyes. She knew that he knew she wasn't one hundred percent happy with the turn of events.

Things were great between them. Married life was better than they both could've imagined. However, when Jackson was born, things started to change. James saw that they were going back to the place where they were prior to getting married. The fights were starting again and sometimes the fights had no logical reason behind it.

James wasn't to blame though, Jo knew that for a fact. It was her that was causing unnecessary drama that drove James to agree to her after her countless begging to separate. She claimed that it was what was best for the baby but deep down they both knew it was to save themselves and their relationship.

-

When she was sure that her baby boy was fast asleep, she slowly walked up the stairs to put him in his crib where her childhood room was. She had redecorated it to make it feel more like a nursery and boxed up all of her old stuff from junior high and high school. She kissed his tiny face as she put him in his crib and turned to turn on the spinning lamp that projected shadows of different animals. Jo peeked through the curtains to see that the rain had stopped but the dark clouds still loomed over the neighborhood.

The house was quiet and the only sound Jo could hear was her mother putting away the pots and pans in the kitchen. Rich had moved out a couple of months ago, according to her dad. Apparently he had met someone up north where he was going to school and decided to move in with the girl a year later. Jo almost laughed when her dad told her that. Her and Rich were more alike than they would like to admit. As his big sister, she was glad that he had found someone. She hoped that the one he met could help him see that she wasn't the bad guy. She crossed her fingers and prayed that he'd come around some day.

Jo was shocked when he went to her and James' wedding without causing any commotion that would ruin their day. "Who knew he had a heart?" Jo remembered thinking. Now that he was gone, she felt like the house just wasn't the same without him around. She had grown up bickering back and forth with him and it felt like she was missing something when she knew she was in her parents' home.

She wanted to move back to her old apartment but when she called to inquire if it was still vacant, the new landlord said that someone was already occupying the studio. Without a choice, she temporarily moved back in with her parents. Her parents were more than happy to take her in especially with the new baby around.

Her parents asked no questions about what happened. They still weren't sure if they wanted James for her or not. They knew that he was successful with his hockey career but seeing as they weren't big sports fans, they didn't believe that being an athlete was a "real job" much like how they thought that her career choice in the fashion industry was nothing but a hobby. Jo was thankful that they hadn't said anything bad about him though since her arrival. She was guessing that they were probably distracted by the cute baby boy that would be living with them for a couple of months.

"Johanna?" Her mother, Anna, called out, pulling her out of her thoughts.

She walked down the stairs and went to the kitchen. She saw that her mom had just hung up the phone with someone before looking at her. They sat down in the dining area made for only special occasions when her mom said, "Deborah called."

"And?" Jo replied, tapping her fingers on the glass table.

"She's worried about you and the baby, sweetheart," Anna said in concern. "Your dad and I are starting to worry too. You won't answer any of James' calls and he's probably dying to know what's happening with baby Jackson."

"Mom, he's not 'dying to know' anything," Jo said. "I told him that with the separation, all I wanted was alone time and alone time doesn't include him."

"But Johanna, he's also the father of your son. You can't leave him in the dark. If it's not you he's worried about, I'm sure he's worried about Jackson. You didn't even tell him he got sick. He would've been here to help you instead of you staying up all night, afraid that something might happen to him." She explained but Jo just stared down at table.

"Just talk to him once," her mother pushed. "You don't have to talk about you two. Just talk to him about Jackson. Tell him that he's fine and just assure him that you have everything under control."

"I do have everything under control which is why I don't have to tell him anything!" Jo said defensively. "It's my relationship so I don't know why you all have to stick your noses in someone else's business."

Jo stood up, the chair skidding loudly on the wooden floors, and marched upstairs. She headed back to her room and locked the door. She sat on the single couch meant for reading the baby to sleep and put a bright green striped throw pillow over her face and screamed. She screamed until she started to cry. She was so frustrated with everything. Sometimes she wished that she hadn't met James because before him, her life was simple. She had no one to look after but herself. When she was in the state that she was in, she failed to remember all the good things that have come along the way since she met James. When her sadness took over, she couldn't see the good in anything.

From the couch, she looked at her sleeping baby. He didn't deserve a mother like her, Jo thought. She couldn't even put on a happy face for him when everything that a baby needs is to be loved and cared for. All she could do was feed him and put him to sleep. When she would play with him or read books with him, it was as if she wasn't fully there. Her mind was always somewhere else and Jackson didn't deserve someone who doesn't give him the full attention he needs.

She really wish she hadn't fucked up so bad when she made her decision.