The Lies You Tell Yourself

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the sound of foot steps heading in my direction. I briefly considered going back to my room, but I knew I was it tired enough to sleep. The light from my laptop always woke my roommate and I figured it was best to avoid the wrath of sleep-deprived Ana. Whoever it was would probably just let me be anyway. When I lifted my eyes my stomach clenched as Jessie entered with a girl I had never met before.

"It's just bullshit that they make promises and then say they can't afford it. And then they spend money on stupid stuff like the new Plato statue in front of the theatre--"

"Which doesn't even make any sense," I spoke softly, joining her in the last sentence of her rant. That had been my contribution when we had the same discussion yesterday. I wondered if she even realized that she was using my input.

Jessie looked over at me, caught off guard by my presence. She paused for barely a second, as if she lost her tongue, before she continued. "If anywhere, they should have put it in front of the philosophy and humanities building."

"Naturally," the girl replied, not seeming to realize that Jessie and I were staring at each other.

"But what do we even need a statue for right?" she continued. Her speech was slowing down.

"To look good, I guess," the other girl shrugged, "It's not such a big deal." There was a brief silence before I spoke up.

"Hi," I waved at the girl, since it appeared that Jessie would not be introducing us any time soon. "I'm Kyle."

The first thing out of her mouth should not have surprised me. "Isn't that a boy's name?" I cringed and glared at Jessie who was wearing a sheepish grin. Oh Jessie you could do so much better than her. If I had ever said something so stupid in Jessie's presence, I would have gotten a lecture about being too cis-normative, and I would have deserved it.

"Yeah mostly. But I'm a girl." I hoped Jessie noticed me dig into the new girl's ignorance just a tad. I was not intending to be mean or start any trouble, everyone was ignorant at some point or another, but Jessie usually set people straight. Ever since she entered the room she was acting usually complacent. "And you are...?"

"Becca, it's my first semester," she turned to Jessie. "You know her, right?"

"Yeah," Jessie replied. "She's a good friend of mine," she paused before continuing. "Waiting for Justin to answer you?"

"As per usual," my tone was dry and callous as I turned back to my computer.

"Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?"

"Not tired yet. I can wait a little longer. Don't mind me though."

"Kyle," her voice was stern, "You need to take care of yourself."

“I do…”

Her responding gaze bore down on me like she could see right through me. She did not believe me for a second.

“If I don’t get a response in an hour I’ll go to bed, okay?”

“Better than nothing. You’re so stubborn,” she rolled her eyes.

I wanted to fight back, to tell her that she was no better than me being up and about at this hour when she still had so much schoolwork left. The words stayed stuck in my throat and my heart raced at the thought of speaking up. The constant over-analysis and resulting anxiety I felt around her these days was torturous. Logically, I knew that she was not judging me in the way I feared, but there was no convincing the knot in my stomach. I turned back to my computer and tried to absorb myself into the world of youtube cat videos, but I stayed acutely aware of Jessie and Becca, who took a spot on the couch across the common room. They started discussing some kind of group project and I glanced at my phone hopefully.

“C’mon Justin take me back down to earth,” I silently pleaded to my non-responsive boyfriend. I knew that if the ladies were bothering me that much I should just go back to bed, but I was glued to my spot on the couch. Even though it was none of my business and should be none of my concern, I wanted to know what was going on between them. “You’re just being nosey and curious because you’re her friend…” I tried to convince myself. I glanced over at them and had to swallow hard when I saw Jessie’s arm around Becca’s shoulder. Thankfully, my phone finally lit up with my boyfriend’s response.

“I miss you soooooo much. When are you coming home?” I had probably told him a dozen times already.

“Most likely Saturday,” I typed slowly, wondering if Jessie cared enough to notice that I got my response. “I miss you too.” Send. A few more seconds passed before I got his reply.

“I have to confess something…”

My heart skipped a beat and my immediate suspicion was that he finally cheated. Each semester when I left for school I wondered if this would be it, if his self-control would finally breakdown. “What’s that?” I tried not to panic as I sent the text. It took him almost five minutes to explain himself.

“I’m miserable without you. I’ve been drugging myself to sleep all day, every day. Today I drank a whole bottle of Nyquil. I want you to come home to me.” I audibly gasped as I read the text over and over to make sure I understood. I knew he had issues, but I never suspected that his recent lack of interaction with me was because he was drugging himself. My mind wandered to the six inch long scar on his upper left arm. He made jokes about it, but I knew that it was self-inflicted. He was in danger and I had no idea what to do about it. I certainly was not going to sleep now.

“I’ll be home soon. I promise. Hang in there,” I fumbled with the words and blinked away tears quickly. I felt helpless, staring at the screen and feeling so far away from him.

“Was that him?” Jessie asked from across the room. So she had noticed.

“Yeah,” I said softly. I could not talk about it. I knew if I tried I would just get emotional and once that happened there was no chance of me keeping any kind of composure. I pulled myself up off the couch and wrapped my blanket around my shoulders. I was not sure if I should go back to my room, but it was better than staying here.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, freezing me in place just before I made my exit. Of course, she did not ask if I was okay, or if something was wrong. She knew. She always knew.

“Nothing,” I lied. “Just time for bed.” I continued down the hall without looking back at her. I was burnt out. The weight of the semester had crushed me, and even though it was over now I felt like I was falling apart. My mind had spent the past month running at a mile a minute and now that I had the time to stop and take a breath everything was collapsing on top of me. It was not just Jessie and Justin and my messed up feelings; I was exhausted.

“Kyle,” I turned around and saw Jessie standing in the doorway of the common room holding my laptop. "You forgot this." I approached her with my hand open, not saying a word. She folded her arms, refusing to hand it over. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, really. Can I please have that back?" I chewed on the inside of my mouth as I tried to ignore the thoughts flooding my mind. Justin's eyes, empty and flat, because I had left him, because I always left him. I was supposed to love him and yet I spent all this time oblivious to his suffering. Whatever feelings I was having about Jessie were a major distraction from who I was supposed to be focusing on.

"If it's about Becca, don't worry, it's nothing..."
I cut her off. "Nothing to do with you, now hand it over." I shoved my open hand towards her insistently.

"I'm worried about you."

"Well stop," I sighed. "I just have something I need to fix. You can't help me."

"Then talk to someone who can," she said as she released my laptop into my hand. "And I'll see you tomorrow?" I offered her a small smile and nodded my head before turning back towards my room. I looked back down at the newest text on my phone.

"I don't know if I can. I hate everything and it all sucks so much."

"I'm sorry," I did not know what else to tell him. "I feel like I failed you." The screen quickly lit back up with his reply.

"You kinda did. Going away to big girl college without me. But I'm not mad at you. I love you." I was taken aback; I had not expected him to agree with me. He had known from day one that I was going away for college. It was never a secret, and it was always something we just dealt with. But had it been irresponsible of me to get involved with him in the first place? I knew he was prone to dependence problems. Could I really expect him to be okay with a long distance relationship?

Instead of continuing to my room I turned into the bathroom instead. I knew I was in for a restless night. I tucked my belongings in a corner and walked up to the line of shower stalls. I pulled off my clothes and turned on the water, stepping in once it was as hot as my skin could stand. Once I was under the comforting stream I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Calm down," I told myself out loud. "You have to relax. There's nothing you can do right now." Except be there for him, I criticized in my head. I should have stayed glued to my phone. Self care could wait.