The Book of Me and You

She never wanted to come back to Tempe. But shit happens quite a lot, right?

Finishing college and getting an MA degree in journalism was always her big dream, but now that she actually got it, didn’t know what to do in life. Being an unemployed writer at the age of 23 was not in Hayley Johnson’s dream. She liked to believe that she was a good writer. She wanted to believe it. She started to write a book a while ago, and sent it to one of her professors at NYU who saw some potential in it. But it didn’t matter anymore. Not since she got a late night call from her mother.

Kevin, her little brother was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. He was only 18.

After her mom called her to tell her the news, Hayley booked the first plane ticket to Arizona. Five years ago, when she left, Kevin was perfectly fine and healthy. Although she never came back, they kept in touch and Kevin visited her every summer. He was the only one who still loved her. Hayley’s mom was mad for a long time after she left but then learnt how to live with it. Her dad died when she was 18. And her older brother, Daniel, hated her as much as the rest of the town. Five years ago the Johnson family was normal and full of love. Now it was broken on so many levels.

So now, she was sitting in her mom’s kitchen staring at the clock on the wall. It was 9 am and she was waiting for her mom to get ready so they could go to the hospital. She hated hospitals ever since his dad passed away. Just the thought of it made her sick. But now it was different. She had to go back there for the sake of his little brother.

Hayley was afraid because of many things. She was afraid of losing her brother. She was afraid of the reaction of her friends, oh well, ex-friends. And she was fucking afraid of seeing John O’callaghan again. The boy who ripped her heart out. The boy whom she broke into pieces.

“I’m ready, honey.” Said her mom from the hall. Hayley put the coffee mug into the sink and walked out of the house with her mother.

The car ride was silent. It was hard to break an almost five year long silence. Finally Hayley spoke up.
“How long does he have to stay in the hospital?”

“I don’t know honey. A couple of days, some tests need to be done and let’s hope the doctors let him home after that.” Her mom always talked with a sweet tone in her voice. No matter how much pain her daughter or anyone else caused her. Gabrielle Johnson was a very kind person.

“I just know how much he hates hospitals.” Hayley said with a sigh. “I should have been here with him.”

“Hayley honey, don’t blame yourself. You were busy with living the big city life and graduating, which by the way makes me really proud of you.” Her mom gave her a smile and continued. “None of us saw this coming, but he’ll be fine. He’s a strong kid.”

“Yeah, you’re right. He’s the strongest.”

---

“Hayley! You’re here!” Kevin was sitting on his bed with smile on his face.

“Of course I’m here bud!” She gave him a warm hug as she reached his bed. “I missed you so much, Kev!”

“I missed you too sis.” Hayley tried so hard not to cry, but Kevin looked miserable. He was pale, skinny and his once bright green eyes were sad and lifeless.

“You scared the shit out of me Kev! Don’t you ever do that to me, okay?” She placed her hands on his skinny face. “Promise me you’ll be fine soon!”

“I will. You told me that we Johnsons were born to survive.” He said with a laugh. “Speaking of surviving; how are you?”

“I saw him last night.” She said while sitting down on the bed next to her brother.

“How did it happen?” That’s what she loved in his brother. He always knew what or who she was talking about.

“I went to a bar.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “What? I couldn’t handle the awkwardness whit mom, and I really needed a drink…Anyway, John was there.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured it out since you started with the whole ‘I saw him’ shit.” Sarcasm was a typical Johnson feature. Kevin was really good at it.

“Shut up smartass and let me continue.” She grinned at his little brother. “He saw me, stared at me for like four minutes and run out of the place.”

“I guess he didn’t forget.”

“I guess. I talked to Jared though. He was nice, or at least nicer than the others. They just kept killing me with their eyes.”

“It’s just plain bullshit. They should just move on. It was how many years ago? Five, for fucks sake.”

“It’s okay, Kevin. I told Jared I wouldn’t stay long.” As soon as she said those words and saw the look on his face she regretted saying any of it. “I mean, you know, after you get better I need to go back.”

“Why? Why can’t you stay?” Hayley gave him a sad smile.

“You know why.”

“Hayley, it’s a free country. They can’t tell you to leave. This is where you belong.”

“I’m sorry Kev, but I really need to leave. Staying here would mean a lot of drama for a lot of people in this town. I caused enough problems the last time; I don’t want to hurt them anymore.”

“It wasn’t just your fault! Why isn’t anyone blaming John? I’ve been watching him for five fucking years acting like a fucking victim while you were banished like a criminal. It’s not like he was any better than you.”

“Kevin, you need to calm down.” The monitor checking his pulse was beeping faster and it scared her. “I’m over this whole John thing. But I built up a life in New York.”

“Yeah, a life without your family and friends.” Oh that sarcasm again.

“Last time a checked no one gave a shit about me in this town except you. You’re the only one I have left Kevin, and you can always visit me in New York.”

“I know, I just really miss you.”

“I miss you too, and I’m not going anywhere until you get better, I promise.”

“In this case I don’t want to get better.” Hayley didn’t know how to answer to that. She hated to see his little brother in this condition.

“I’ll come in tomorrow morning. If anything happens just call me, okay?”

“Fine. I love you Hayley.”

“I love you too.” How could I leave him, who is the only person in the world I’m certain I love?

---

Later that night her head was full with memories about the years before she left. She forbade herself the luxury of thinking about those years a long time ago. Even the bright ones turned into dark. In those times, John O’Callaghan was everything to her. She wondered if he still lived across the street with his parents. Probably not. Was he still dating that bitch? Probably not. Did he forgive her? Absolutely not. Was he thinking about her? If wishing someone to rot in hell counts then probably yes. Did he still love her somewhere deep in his heart? Stop.

She stood up from her bed and looked around. Not much has changed, except for the pictures. They were missing from the wall. Her mom must have put them away and Hayley was thankful for that. Most of those pictures contained smiles she could never see again, and friends who will never be her friends again. At this point she felt like losing her mind again. She learnt to live with the pain. At least she wanted to believe it. But as she stood in the middle of her childhood room staring at the empty wall; she just lost it. Tears and an almost unbearable heartache were her company for the night.

I am alone.