I Don't Want to Be Wasting My Time Alone

I groggily rolled over, feeling my head close to exploding all over the room. I squinted my eyes open, trying to look for a clock of any sort that would help let me know what time it was, but as soon as my eyes caught sight of sunlight peeking through into the dark room, I was hit with a wave of nausea and I sprinted out the room of the unfamiliar bedroom. There was a door across from me that was shut, so I assumed it was the bathroom, and thank God I was right, because within seconds I was kneeling and making an offering to the porcelain gods.

"'s alright." I heard a voice coming from behind me, and my hair was picked up off my neck and tied into a bun on top of my head. "I've already made you some toast, you've been groaning in your sleep all morning." Harry's hand was patting my back as he rested beside me against the glass shower door. I couldn't nod or speak but I pat his knee and he placed his other hand atop of mine before I started heaving again.

"God damnit." I said, finally feeling like I was finished throwing up. Harry flushed the toilet for me and left me alone to grab a cool towel for me to wipe my face off. "I'm so embarrassed."

"I already puked my guts up when I woke up at 6."

"Sorry I wasn't there to hold your hair back." I blushed, taking his hand he was offering me to help me stand up. "Do you have a uh, extra tooth brush?" Harry rummaged through his bathroom cabinet and found one that was still packaged. He left me alone to brush my teeth and I washed my face and secured the bun on my head.

"I'm still so embarrassed." I sat down at Harry's kitchen table as he finished making breakfast for us. He was cooking eggs, toast, and I could hear the bacon sizzling in the pan.

"Here's some orange juice and some medicine, take that and I'll bring you your food. Quit apologizing."

"Thanks." I humbly accepted the help and propped my head up with my hand. "I can't believe I'm going to have to deal with this hangover and the boys' show tonight."

"What time do you have to get there?"

"Soundcheck is at 4. So, probably 3 to run around and make sure everything's alright. Are you coming tonight?"

"They asked Liam and I to, so I assume we'll both go."

"Liam's home too?" I asked, looking down at the plate of food. It was making my stomach churn, but I knew it would help. I distracted myself by picking at the clothes Harry had let me borrow to sleep in last night.

"Do you not remember seeing him last night?" Harry sat down in the chair to my right.

"Fuck. Yeah, I do." I laughed to myself.

"Michael has been blowing your phone up. I got your phone out of your purse to charge it for you in case Josh called, but he hasn't. I didn't look at any of the texts but last time I checked he had sent you 15 text messages. You should probably address the situation before it gets any worse."

"It's like he's..."

"Obsessed? Yeah, he gets attached. You probably shouldn't have slept with him."

"I'm fully aware of that." I scooted my scrambled eggs around on my plate before taking a bite. "Speaking of-"

"We didn't. Neither of us were in any shape to make that decision last night. I knew you wouldn't remember anything, and I probably wouldn't have either."

"Thanks." Harry nodded his head as we continued eating. "I wonder if Nick has left yet."

"He had to do the show this morning, I'd say yeah. It's already 10:30."

I let out a loud groan, "There's not enough hours in the day." We finished our meal in silence and I grabbed my phone off of the kitchen counter and unplugged it from the wall. I hopped up on the counter as Harry finished cleaning up his kitchen mess and read my text messages.

I'm really sorry I reacted the way I did last night, Lydia. it wasn't my place to act like I did. we aren't "anything" and I shouldn't get mad at you for hanging out with Harry.
I just wish you would be honest with me and let me know what's going on in your head.
Let me know when you're awake, we just landed in London. I want to see you so we can talk.
Hey, is everything okay?

I scrolled and skimmed down the last text messages and the final one said,
I'm at your flat with Ross. Call me. Please.
It was sent four minutes ago.

"Harry." I whined.

"Yes, love?"

"He's driving me crazy." I whined again, placing my phone beside me. I felt so confused right now. I didn't know if I had feelings for Harry (of course I did, he was the gorgeous Harry Styles), or what I felt towards Michael Clifford. I could lose my entire career if Michael and I decided to become anything or if we got caught. I sat and contemplated my choices and finally hopped off the counter. "Think you could take me to my place?" I scratched a spot on my head.

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Harry asked, placing the skillet into its proper cabinet.

"It doesn't really matter at this point, does it?"

I collected my clothes from the night before and held them in my hands as I waited for Harry to walk me out of his flat. We climbed into his Range Rover and I pointed him in the direction of my brother's house. Once we pulled up, I noticed there was an extra car parked out front and I knew who's it was. I let out a sigh before thanking Harry again for taking care of me. He exited the car and circled around to open my door for me and assist me out of the car. Harry placed a kiss on my cheek which made me blush, and I thanked him again. I waved back at him before shutting the front door as quietly as possible, but my efforts didn't matter.

"Where have you been, miss?" I ran straight into Ross as soon as I turned around. "Red haired fool has been over here badgering me for hours."

"I'm not a fool."

"For being with her, you are. I'm going to the store, you two sort out your issues while I'm gone." Ross bid us goodbye in silence.

"Where were you? Ross wouldn't tell me. Did you go home with him? Did you guys fuck?" Michael started walking towards me, backing me up against the front door. I hadn't even had a chance to put my belongings down before he was questioning me.

"Yeah, I went home with Harry." I scooted around him and snaked into my room. I heard Michael punch the front door. "That's not my door you probably just broke."

"I didn't break it."

"Sounded like it." I put my clothes in the dirty hamper and reached to take off the joggers Harry had lent me, but a hand grabbed my wrist. "What? I really need to shower and start getting ready. You should be at the venue soon, too."

"I'm not leaving until we talk about this."

"About what?"

"Us. What's going on with us?"

"Last time I checked, Michael, there wasn't an us. There can't be an us as long as I want to keep this job."

"Then quit." He shrugged and said it like it was the most obvious solution to the problem.

"I can't quit to be with you. I can't afford-"

"Bullshit, you could have afforded to never gone to school. You wouldn't have to work a day in your life if you didn't want to."

"How dare you? Have you ever thought about maybe I want to work? Like, I don't like having everything handed to me on a silver fucking platter like you?" My words escaped my mouth before I thought of what I was saying.

"You think that's what happened with us? You think we were just handed a silver platter with a record deal on it?"

"Excuse me, you guys blew up overnight as soon as One Direction started tweeting your YouTube links. So that's what it seems like to me." I knew I was making Michael mad, but right now that's exactly what I needed. I needed him to distance me like I was trying to distance him. Instead, he closed the distance between the two of us to yell in my face.

"WE HAD TO WORK TO GET WHERE WE ARE, LYDIA. How could you be such a self righteous bitch and say that to my fucking face? You of all people know how hard we've had to work to get here. We used to play in a fucking garage and now we're playing sold out shows in arenas. You're just trying to make me mad." I sighed, he had caught me. I couldn't deny that the boys had worked hard to get where they are, and he knew how I felt about them. I rolled my eyes and walked away from him, plugging my charger up, then plugging my phone up to the charger. I turned around and he was leaning against my dresser with his arms crossed. "You didn't mean what you said."

"And I'm sure you did." I sat down on my bed and leaned against the headboard. "I didn't sleep with Harry. I mean, we slept in the same bed, and he let me borrow his clothes, but that's it, okay? I was too drunk, and so was he. And I'm really sorry if I upset you, but I we just can't be together, Michael. I really like you, a lot, but this would be huge if it got out."

"Are you embarrassed?"

"What?"

"Are you embarrassed to be with me?" I thought about it, and looked him in the eyes. I could see the worry and hurt forming in them.

"Absolutely not." I crossed my legs Indian style before I began speaking. "I don't want to get in trouble, I don't want to get you in trouble. This could blow up in such a negative way. And I'm not talking about just me, what if it makes the entire band look bad?"

"Fuck it." Michael shrugged. I rolled my eyes again at his 'punk rock' attitude.

"Now's not the time to be like that. I'm being serious, Michael. It could be a huge deal." I bit my lip and looked up at him as he made his way over to my bed beside him.

"You biting your lip isn't helping me resist you at all..." Michael pushed the stray hairs out of my face. "You're so fucking beautiful, Lydia. I want you as mine. I want you to be my girlfriend." He traced every inch of my face with his hand before dragging his thumb across my lips, "And I really want to kiss you right now." His hand fell to my knee and he leaned in. Against my own heart, I gently pushed him back.

"I really need to get ready, Mikey."

"Don't call me that. I'll see you at the arena." He got up quickly and stormed away, slamming my bedroom door shut. I heard him exit the house even louder and I felt my heart sinking.

---

I pulled my loose skinny jeans up as I ran down the hall to the boys dressing room. They were never on time, and today was not the day for them to be messing around in their room. I was hungover, and they were running behind majorly. I knocked on the door as I tapped my white converse on the concrete floor.

"Guys I'm coming in in three seconds. So if you're not dressed, you better get dressed right now." I gave them five seconds as I heard them yelling and cutting up. They were sitting in front of the television, Ashton and Michael with game controllers in their hand and Calum and Luke sitting on the edge of the couch watching them. "GUYS. SOUNDCHECK. NOW. I don't have time to be running around making sure you are where you need to be every second. You're late, and Josh is pissed."

"Oh shit." Luke hopped up and pulled Calum with him as he ran in the direction of the stage, but Ashton and Michael obviously didn't hear me. I walked over to the TV and unplugged it.

"Bitch." Michael mumbled and threw the controller down on the couch. Ashton gave me a look and shrugged, following behind Michael like a lost puppy. Oh great, now he's going to have the entire band against me.

"You're already 15 minutes late, could you guys possibly be walking any slower?"

"They'll wait on us. We're who everyone's here to see." Michael turned around to speak to me, but his face was cold, and hard. I had never seen him look at anyone like that before. I knew he was upset with me, but I didn't know I'd get treated like this.

"Up, up. Go on stage." I shoved the oversized boys onto the stage and sat in the first few rows as I watched their soundcheck go smoothly. Michael wasn't letting me keep him from having fun, he was still cutting up with the guys on the stage. During one of the songs they played in its entirety, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see that Harry had sent me a message.

Are you alive?
In what way? I'm hungover, Michael is treating me like a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe, and they're running behind because they were playing video games. Josh is going to have my ass because this is their biggest show they've played here.
I wouldn't treat you like a piece of shit ;)
How romantic. Are you and Liam going to be here tonight?
I think it'll be just me. Do you want to go out for drinks afterwards?
I'd really like to, but I can't get too drunk. Just a few.
:)

I didn't send anymore to Harry and put my phone in my small bag I carried around. The guys had two more songs to run through, so I watched and applauded before sending them to wardrobe. I sat on the couch as I watched them get their clothes for the night sorted out. Michael facetiously chose the tightest pair of black pants that were "his", his sleeveless Ozzy Osborne shirt with red shoulders that only brought out the red of his faded hair, and his black boots. I was borderline drooling over how delicious he looked when he noticed me staring. He kept eye contact with me but made no movement that he was even acknowledging my presence. I felt a body plop down beside me, and noticed it was Ashton.

"What did you do to him?"

"Nothing. I told him we couldn't make it work because I don't want to lose my job, and I don't want you guys to get a bad rap because of my own selfish wanting."

"Well, I'm actually really proud of you. He thinks you're fucking Harry."

"I know he does, but I'm not." Ashton looked between us at my ringing phone that had Harry's name across the top. "Complete unfortunate coincidence. He's coming tonight and probably needs to be let into the building."

"Mhm. I'm still proud of you. Give him a few days and he'll come back around to you."

"I doubt it." Ashton patted my leg before standing up to go pick out his outfit and I answered my phone as I walked out.

"Hey, I'm here early, if that's okay? Walking up to the arena now."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll come let you in." Harry told me where he had parked, so I assumed he'd be waiting at the door that was near that parking lot. I knew all of the arenas like the back of my hand, and I knew I'd be able to let someone in a lot quicker than calling security. I opened the door and watched as Harry walked up, a beanie on top of his head, and sunglasses covering his face. "Nice disguise. I almost thought you were a fan."

"Whatever." He took off his glasses once he made it into the hallway and took me in for a huge hug. "You look pretty."

"No, I look disgusting. I had like ten minutes to get ready before I had to come here. I actually should go head and get changed up for tonight, we should leave right after the show or else we'll be waiting in traffic to go anywhere."

"I'll go find their dressing room." Harry and I parted ways as I went into the room that wasn't being used for anything to change into my outfit for tonight. I was finishing tying my shoes when I heard a knock on my door, but no one was there when I answered.

I shut the door to my room quietly before I started nervous pacing like I always did before the show. I always got so nervous for the boys that you'd almost think I was the one going on stage instead of them.

"Stop pacing." Harry's voice was behind me, and his arms were wrapped around me from behind. I sank into the comfort of his warmth before he spun me around to face him. "You were beautiful before but now you're even more stunning." He placed a kiss on my cheek. I knew exactly what this boy was doing to me. I stared him in the eyes before our faces got closer and closer. My eyelids were getting heavy, and his were too. We rested our lips on each others for a few lazy seconds before Harry started deepening the kiss. "You need to relax, babe." He started kissing my jawline, then made his way to my ear and nibbled on my earlobe. He nudged my ear with his nose, "It's a big show tonight. I'd hate for you to be this tense." Suddenly one of his hands was grabbing my ass and I let out a moan. "Quiet, love. I need you to stay quiet, okay?" I nodded into his shoulder as I rested my head in the crook of his neck. "I told you I'd treat you better than him, and I'm going to. Just stay quiet."

"Okay." I managed to choke out the two syllable word, but it took all the strength I had not to scream it out.

I walked backwards to the couch but Harry stopped me, shaking his head, "No, I want you standing up. It'll be so much hotter." He teased the top of my jeans before snaking his hand down the front of them and past my underwear. "God, you're so wet already, baby." His voice was so low and hoarse, it was enough to make me come undone almost immediately. "Your legs are already shaking for me." I silenced his absolutely ridiculously sexy voice with my mouth and he gladly accepted it. His other arm snaked around my back to hold me up as his long fingers worked their magic inside of my pants. I felt him pumping in and out of me, my climax approaching, until there was a knock at the door.

"Fuck." I groaned out and Harry wiped the lipstick off of his lips with his black shirt, adjusting himself in his pants and he started to look around the room like nothing was happening.

"We need you to come do the pre-show checklist." Josh was at the door and I followed him out, not even telling Harry goodbye. Josh was walking too fast for my weak legs but I kept up with him. I trailed behind him as we made sure all of the guitars, pics, mics, everything were where they were supposed to be. I was moving around the order of Michael's guitars when I felt a presence behind me, "Meet me in the closet down the C hall in a few minutes. Say you're going to get something, I don't care." It was Michael, and I had every intention of ignoring him, but goddamnit was I horny and unrelieved.

I nodded and finished placing the guitars in place.

"Hey, Josh, I really need to use the loo-"

"Go ahead, I'm almost finished." He waved me off without looking up and I ran to the closet I knew Michael was referring to. I passed tons of crew members who were starting to get ready for the first band to play before 5SOS. I looked both ways before walking into the giant closet, and was slammed against the door by Michael's heaving breath.

"You didn't even look in your room to make sure I wasn't in there earlier, did you?"

"W-what?"

"I saw you in there, I watched you change, and then I saw Harry come in there and take advantage of you and then basically leave you hanging. You're probably dripping down your leg by now, aren't you?" I felt the color drain from my face as Michael's hot breath got closer to mine. "You guys aren't fucking but you'll let him come in there and do that to you? Your pussy smells like bullshit to me, Lydia."

Michael attacked my neck, my body becoming weak at his pink lips on me. "I'm so-"

"Don't apologize, because you're not sorry." He ground his crotch against mine and I welcomed the contact, dry humping him to the same rhythm as he had started. "See, it's not that hard to sneak around. We could do this. We could fuck right here in this closet and not a fucking person would know."

"Okay." I said, out of breath and sweating. Michael ripped off my jacket and threw it to the ground, he tossed my shirt off my head and to the side.

"God damnit, I've been so riled up since I saw that lipstick on you. I want your pink lips on my cock." I nodded, and without question I dropped to my knees in front of Michael and pulled down his pants and underwear at the same time.

"You're an asshole for wearing these, you know?"

"I knew you liked them." He let out a cocky laugh that turned into a moan as I took him in my mouth. He guided me with his hand at the pace he wanted me to, but it wasn't fast enough for me. I went quicker than he was instructing me to and he pulled me off of him. "Turn around." He stood me up and turned me around to face the door. His arms came from behind me and unbuttoned my jeans, pushing them down my legs. "No time for these." He ran his finger around the outside of my underwear, tracing their pattern on my ass before he smacked it. He took the lace material between his fingers and ripped them off in one motion, taking me by surprise. I felt him line his dick up against my pussy before he shoved himself in, pushing me against the door. "Bend over a little more." I nodded as he continued fucking me against the door of the closet. The pressure was building up inside of me again, and I started moaning, but quieted myself so we wouldn't get caught.

"Uh, uh, princess. I won't let you come until you moan my name out." Michael thrusted harder, trying to make me make more noise.

"Mikey, fuck."

"There you go, baby." His thrusts began getting sloppier and I was crumbling under his grasp. He held me up by my hips as I came around his dick, and he finished moments after me.

"Uh, what am I supposed to do about cleaning myself up? And my underwear?"

"Shit happens, babe." He pulled my pants up for me once I turned back around and stuck his hand in them once more before rubbing my clit. My legs trembled again, my body becoming weak and falling into his arms. He drew his hand out from my pants and placed his fingers in front of my lips and I sucked them clean. "Fuck. I'll see you on the side stage." He pulled his pants up and zipped them before kissing me once more. "We taste good together."

---

Harry stood beside me the entire show. His hand would sneak itself around my waist and pull me into his side occasionally, but then Josh would call me over to him to run around to the other side of the stage for something. The boys began their first notes of She's So Perfect and I just so happened to be standing on Michael's side of the stage, Harry on the other side. I really needed to calm down before walking back over to him, so I took my few moments of freedom while I could.

A few random fans were whispering about me, and I knew they had seen Harry and I but I didn't really care. Right now all I could pay attention to was Michael performing on stage. His arms were strumming along to the beat, and his legs were moving him around the stage effortlessly. I noticed he was singing along to the chorus to the crowd, then he turned to the side stage and looked me directly in the eyes to sing your lipstick stain is a work of art. I immediately walked around to the other side of the stage behind their backdrop, and the song finished. I found Harry and we made our way to his Range Rover. I couldn't face Michael after what happened, but Harry's tattooed hand resting on my upper thigh wasn't making me want to be around him either.

"Hey, can you just take me home?"

"Do you want to take it slow?"

"Harry, that was horrible." I put my hands over my face. while laughing at his horrible reference to his own song. "I'm just really tired, I've been fighting this hangover all day, and then Michael, too. I just need to rest, okay?"

"Sure, love. Do you want to get food or anything before?"

"No, it's fine. Ross has some leftovers."

Harry nodded and made the familiar drive to Ross and I's house. His hand remained comfortably on my thigh, but I still felt extremely tense. I tried to not seem like it was bothering me, but I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief once we pulled up into the driveway. Ross wasn't home, and I was thrilled I wouldn't have to deal with his questioning. I let myself out of the car, but Harry met me at the front headlight. "Do you need me to walk you in?"

"I think I can manage." I walked up to the front door to unlock it, but Harry placed his hand on top of mine to stop me from turning the door handle.

"Are you mad at me? I can help you-"

"No, it's fine, really, Harry. I just need to go to bed and get some actual rest. Maybe we can meet up in the morning?"

"Sounds like a plan." He leaned in to kiss me, and I let it happen. Kissing Harry was fun. His lips felt soft against mine, and he held me like I was something special to him, even if I wasn't. I smiled at him before walking in, locking the door behind me, and turning on the light to the hallway.

I was sat at the kitchen counter when I heard the door knock. "Fucking seriously." I put down my container of cold pasta leftovers, walked to the front door and checked the peephole. Michael was standing at the front door. Can I not have a night alone? By myself? Without any guy bothering me? Apparently not.

"Hey, I saw you left really early after the show tonight. I was worried you were mad at me, and you weren't answering your phone."

"It died, so I plugged it up and haven't checked it since, sorry. You hungry?" He nodded and I welcomed him in, then shut and locked the door behind him. I walked into the kitchen and felt his eyes on my backside. "I'm not mad at you, by the way. I'm sorry I've been treating you like shit." I handed him a fork and we shared the leftovers in silence.

"Cold pasta is the best. Where's your brother?" I shrugged before getting up and placing the empty bowl in the sink. I looked at my phone to see Michael's texts, and one from Ross that said he wouldn't be making it home tonight.

"Not coming home."

"Can I stay?"

"You're more than welcome to. Under one condition?"

"Yeah?"

"You sleep with me."

"Hmm... I think I can manage that." I walked around the kitchen island and Michael pulled me in for a hug. He placed his head on top of my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm really sorry for the last few days. I've been acting kind of crazy."

"Kind of crazy, possessive, scary almost. You come on really strong."

"I know I do, I've just never really had many girls interested in me. Genuinely interested in me, because I'm Michael. Not because I'm Michael Clifford from 5SOS."

"Well, I wouldn't know you if it wasn't for your band, but I don't see you just as a guy from a band. I'm sorry if I made you upset by the way I treated you the last few days too. I was a bitch. Harry brought me home tonight, and he wanted to come in, but I told him no." I decided fessing up to him would be better than anything else.

"But you let me in?"

I nodded and rested my head against his, "Yeah." He squeezed me harder and picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder, taking me to my bedroom. He placed me down on my messy bed and hovered over me.

"Will you be my secret girlfriend?" His eyes were pleading, and he had a small smile that was growing on his face as my smile grew on my face.

"Yes, Michael. I'll be your secret girlfriend."