Crooked Heart

“Niall won’t notice what top you’re wearing, Al, he’d probably only notice if you weren’t wearing one.”

Allison sighed angrily on the other end of the line, and Fiona heard a thump as she threw what was probably a shoe across the room.

“You see him all the time, anyway, what difference does it make?”

“How come whenever you can’t decide what to wear you’re allowed to call me for advice, but when I need you, all you do is tell me not to worry about it!”

“Because this is Niall we’re talking about,” Fiona replied, sitting up in bed. It was half eight in the morning and Allison wasn’t supposed to meet Niall until noon, so Fiona really didn’t know what all the fuss was about.

The space on the bed next to her was vacant. About an hour ago, when Allison called, Harry had been sprawled on top of Fiona and snoring into her neck. She’d pushed him off to answer her friend’s call, and he’d subsequently gotten up and left the room, and hadn’t been back since. Fiona thought he was just having a shower at first, but now she was certain that he was making breakfast. It was his day off, and even though he spent every day cooking, naturally he wanted to spend the one day of the week that he didn’t have to cook doing just that.

“Listen, just send me pictures of all the outfits you’re trying on and I’ll tell you which one I like best,” Fiona suggested. “But for the record, you look hot in everything and it really doesn’t matter what you wear. He’s not going to notice.”

“But I want to look nice,” Allison said. “Stop making this about Niall! He’s a boy, of course he’s not going to notice unless my arse is hanging out of my dress.”

Fiona laughed. “All right, all right. Send me some pictures anyway, pretend it’s me you’re going on a date with.”

“That sounds much less stressful,” Allison muttered.

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Fiona said. “Harry’s always griping about how difficult I am.”

“But in an affectionate way, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Fiona hummed.

There was a pause, but Fiona wasn’t sure if it was because Allison was picking out something to try on or because of the conversation at hand. “Has…” she began after a moment, and Fiona knew it was the latter. “Has he been all right, since you told him?”

Fiona picked at the sheet. It was already too hot for blankets, so she slept with a flat sheet at night. And Harry practically on top of her, of course. “I mean, he hovers more than usual, but it’s been okay.”

“Just okay?” Allison asked softly.

“Good,” Fiona said, more firmly this time. “He’s…I don’t deserve him.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

Fiona’s hand stilled. “Tell me about this other job you’re doing over the summer.”

To earn some extra money, Allison was staying in town over the summer holidays and working a second job in addition to her barista position. She was working as an attendant and tour guide in one of the libraries on campus that also had a museum for rare and historic books in it.

“That sounds like it’ll either be great or really boring,” Fiona said, after Allison finished explaining the job. The day before she’d been to her first training session for giving tours, and everything was still fresh in her mind.

“You’re the one who’s obsessed with books,” Allison replied. “You should be doing it.”

“I’d rather not have to talk to people.” Fiona was already tired of the customer service she had to provide for her job at the cinema. Working as a tour guide just wasn’t her cup of tea.

Allison laughed. “That’s fair. Maybe you should look into a position at the library, then. You can hide in the stacks.”

“That sounds perfect for me.” There was a soft knock at the door before Harry’s hand, grasping a hot cup of tea, came through. “I’m not getting out of bed, you’re going to have to bring it here.”

Harry entered a second later, wearing a t-shirt and joggers she hadn’t realized he’d grabbed on his way out earlier. He handed her the mug carefully, leaned over to say ’hello’ to Allison, and then he was gone again.

“Is he making you breakfast?” Allison asked.

“Dunno, probably,” Fiona answered, lifting the mug to her lips.

“What I wouldn’t give for a boy to make me breakfast every morning.”

Fiona snorted. “You’re courting the wrong boy then, love. Niall can make an all right fry up, but that’s about it. Maybe Harry would give him cooking lessons so he could impress you.”

“D’you think that would happen?”

“Probably. If he thought it’d make you happy, he’d do his best.”

Fifteen minutes later, after Fiona clicked off, she gulped down the last dregs of her tea and hauled herself out of bed. Niall had gone over to hang out with Louis last night and had yet to return, so it was just Harry and her in the flat.

“It smells amazing in here,” Fiona sighed, sauntering into the common area. She tied her hair back, now long enough to work into a proper bun without half of it falling out straight away, and went right up to Harry, leaning into him. She leaned her cheek on his shoulder blade and wrapped her arms around his middle, slotting her fingers together. “Did you actually make croissants?”

“I’m offended you think I’d buy them in a shop,” Harry replied.

“There’s plenty of legitimate bakeries out there, Harry. You used to work in one, remember?”

The corner of his mouth quirked up as he glanced back at her, one of his hands covering both of hers. “How could I ever forget? It was a life changing experience, Fee. Now, I have a very important question for you.”

“Okay.”

“How would you like your egg?”

Fiona grinned against his back. “Soft, please. What are you making?”

“Get this,” he said, tugging on one of her arms so she came around to his side. “It’s like a breakfast sandwich, but with a croissant.”

He’d arranged all the ingredients on the cutting board: grated cheese, bean sprouts, tomato, avocado. The eggs were on the counter, waiting to be fried. “When did you buy avocados? I don’t remember there being any yesterday.”

“I took them from work,” he explained. “They were turning brown so we can’t use them, but I’ve just cut around it.” Harry cracked one of the eggs into the frying pan, where it began to sizzle, then went about cutting the fresh croissants in half. “Niall texted me, he’ll be home soon. Should I make him one?”

“Give him regular bread. He won’t appreciate a croissant.”

“I think you just want them all to yourself,” Harry teased, flipping the egg.

“Well, that’s also true. I’m gonna have a smoke, let’s eat on the balcony, yeah?”

“Is it nice enough?”

“It’s June.”

“Yes, and it rains here five days out of the week.”

Fiona went and checked. The sky was cloudy, but there wasn’t any rain and the early morning air was warm enough for her not to need a jumper. She quickly went back in to get her cigarettes, then rolled up the flatwoven rug at the side of her bed to sit on outside.

Morning traffic went on below as she sat with her legs criss-crossed, cigarette between her lips. It was only her seventh in the last twenty four hours — she’d been actively trying to quit, and had nearly cut her habit in half. Zayn had recommended an e-cigarette, but Fiona wasn’t sold on the idea. She wanted to see if she could kick the habit on her own first. With Harry around, always giving her gum to chew when they went out instead of her reaching for her cigarettes, and telling her about all the health hazards (he’d done some Googling, and now knew far too many disgusting details for her liking), it didn’t seem too daunting a task.

Her phone chimed with a new text, ’Mum’ on the screen next to the message icon. Fiona swiped the screen and peered at the message, which could only be described as a gentle reminder of her upcoming visit home. Fiona was going to be staying for ten days, and tentatively longer if the dreaded conversation with her father went well. Fiona still hadn’t really planned what she was going to say to him — she’d been thinking about it for months, years even, but that was when it was a distant, unlikely situation in her mind. Now she’d been informed that now as a good a time as ever to try and talk to him, that this was as open as he was likely going to be.

Because she was even more eager than Fiona (who really wasn’t that eager at all) to patch things up, Fiona’s mother had been trying to get through to him and get him warmed up to the idea of having his daughter back for real. Now the rest was up to Fiona.

“I made you more tea,” Harry said, appearing in the doorway with two mugs. One had hot water with lemon and honey, Harry’s preferred hot drink if there wasn’t any herbal tea around. “Be right back.”

He returned a moment later with their breakfast sandwiches. She’d had to tell him to stop garnishing plates when he made food for them multiple times before he actually stopped doing it out of habit. But the plate he set down on the mat in front of her was still perfect, even with sprouts falling out the sides of the sandwich.

When Harry sat down, his back against the wall, his feet poked through the railings that lined the balcony. Fiona’s feet, when she stretched out her legs, barely made it to the edge. They spent a few minutes in silence, eating their sandwiches and letting the sounds of the city wash over them.

Niall showed up while they were still eating, and Harry told him that his breakfast was on the kitchen counter. “I won’t deserve your romantic meal,” Niall said with a grin, making Fiona roll her eyes, and disappeared back inside.

Fiona set her empty plate aside and held her mug of tea in her lap. “Do you, um,” she said, touching her chin to her shoulder and peering at Harry. “D’you want to come to London with me?”

He furrowed his brow. “London? Aren’t you going to see your family?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want me to come with?”

“Well, I mean, when they met you before we weren’t…”

Harry’s frown shifted into a grin. “You want to re-introduce me as your boyfriend.”

She pursed her lips at the smug expression on his face.

“You must like me a lot to want to introduce me to your parents,” he teased, patting her thigh and letting his hand rest there.

“They already know you,” Fiona rolled her eyes. “But Mum and Eli will want to see you. Fuck, even my dad’ll be pleased. You’re a boy, even if you were a terrible person he’d still prefer that over me seeing a girl.”

“You definitely want to parade me around,” Harry continued, giving her thigh a squeeze to let her know that even though he was being ridiculous, he acknowledged the bitterness in her tone. “I’m a real catch, Fee. I’ve got a steady job, a car—”

“A shit car.”

“And they already like me. I couldn’t be any more amazing, really.”

“Oh, shut up.”

Harry smiled, lifting his hand off her thigh to put his arm around her shoulders instead. He reeled her in and pressed his lips to the crown of her head. “I’d love to come to London with you. I probably won’t be able to get more than a weekend off, but that’s all right, yeah?”

Fiona hummed her agreement. “I’m going to talk to my dad,” she said softly.

There was a long pause. “Is that why you really want me to come?”

“It’s half the reason,” she admitted. “Also, my mum does want to see you. She wants that pear tart recipe.”

“Of course she does, it’s delicious,” Harry said, before his tone turned somber. “I think that’s great, Fee. Whatever you need from me, I’m happy to help.”

She moved a little closer to him, tucking her head under his chin. “I don’t need anything except for you to keep being you, and don’t let me blame you for things that aren’t your fault. God knows if this all gets mucked up I’ll want to shout at somebody, and that somebody’ll probably be you.”

“I can do that,” he agreed. “But if you need to shout, we can drive to a park or something and you can yell at the trees.”

“I like trees.”

“The wind, then.”

“Okay.”

+++

With Harry off at work and Niall on his coffee date with Allison, Fiona was all by herself for the remainder of the day. She spent an entire two hours in the bath, using some lavender essential oil Allison had gotten her for her birthday, and listened to her favourite instrumental playlist. Afterwards, feeling totally calm and relaxed, she dressed in her cosiest jumper and joggers (even though it was warm enough not to need to bundle up) and settled into bed with a book and biscuits in case she got hungry and didn’t feel like getting up.

Never in her life had Fiona been the sort to take naps in the middle of the day, especially considering what a hard time she had falling asleep at night, but that day she found herself drifting off while she read. It had to be the bath leaving lingering calming effects on her system, because before she knew it, she blinked and an hour had passed.

Her phone was ringing. First she thought it was her mother wondering why Fiona hadn’t responded to her text that morning, but then she saw Allison’s name on the screen and wondered if the date was over already.

“Hello?”

“It’s not going to work out.”

Fiona had at least expected some kind of greeting. “No?”

“Absolutely not,” Allison sighed, and Fiona could picture her raking her fingers through her hair in exasperation. “I don’t know why I wasted so much time on him, we’re not alike at all.”

“Well, at least you can say that you gave it a go, yeah?”

“Yeah, and I’m glad I did.” Allison laughed lightly. “To be honest, I think he was quite relieved that we didn’t really click. I dunno if he’s ready for that just yet.”

Fiona hummed. “I don’t think he is,” she agreed. “So, what now?”

“I dunno, it feels kind of weird.”

“You have sort of been waiting for this for a while, haven’t you? Are you disappointed? Or just relieved that at least now you know?”

“Um,” Fiona heard a door slamming, and guessed Allison had just arrived back at her flat. If she had rang as soon as the date was done, then Niall would probably be home soon as well. “I mean, I think a bit of both? I don’t have any feelings for him anymore, I don’t think.”

“That was fast.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like I have anything to hope for now, is it? I think that might’ve been what most of it was, anyway.”

Fiona thought that this sounded likely. She’d been supportive of whatever feelings Allison had harboured for Niall, but she was never particularly confident that it would work out for them. She admired that Allison had gone for it anyway, just to see if the drunken kisses were just that or something more, and even though it hadn’t worked out she wasn’t going to dwell on it. “Hey, now you get to find someone who’s right for you, though.”

“D’you think it’ll happen?”

“If I found someone to put up with me, I’m sure you’ll be able to do the same.”

Allison laughed. “I appreciate your optimism. But hey, if things with Harry don’t work out, let’s get married, yeah?”

“Deal.”

“I think I could probably fancy you, if it came down to it.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Well, if we’re going to be married, it’ll certainly make things more enjoyable.”

Fiona laughed. “Are you sure you didn’t go to a pub instead of for coffee?”

“What, do you not fancy me at all, Fiona? I’m offended.”

“Now you sound like Harry.”

“That’s good right?”

Fiona buried her face in her pillow. “Oh my god, can we please change the subject?”

“I’m just asking simple questions here,” Allison said. “But fine. We’re still getting married if things don’t work out with you and Harry though, right?”

“And you don’t find anyone,” Fiona added, while Allison scoffed. “Oh, don’t be like that. Remember what I was like after Wren and I split up? Utterly hopeless. Now look at me.”

“I’ll need you to keep on reminding me everything isn’t hopeless, Fiona.”

“I’ll do my best. And there’s always marriage if we both end up alone, because we’ll always have each other.”

Allison’s grin was clear in her voice. “Yes. Always. Right, I need to talk about something else. What have you done today?”

“I had a bath.”

“That’s it?”

“Indeed it is.”

Allison groaned. “That sounds way better than my day! That settles it, I’m having a bath.”

Before they hung up, Fiona asked, “Why don’t I come over this weekend? We can watch those terrible romantic films you like and get drunk on boxed wine.”

“Yes please.”

“And Al?”

“Yes?”

“Niall’s a prat.”

“He’s not that bad.”

“Oh, come on, you’re allowed complain about him now!”

“Me? You’re one of his best mates!”

“Yes, so I’m allowed to say how terrible he is. Come on, join me, it’s fun. Surely you aren’t that nice.”

Allison laughed. “Well, I could think of a few things to say. Why don’t we save it for the weekend?”

“Fine by me. Enjoy your bath, love.”

“Bye, Fiona. Thanks.”

+++

Since Harry was coming with her for the weekend, they decided to drive down to London. Fiona spent most of the journey figuring out what to say to her father when they had their talk, which she had now figured out would be without anyone else around, maybe at a restaurant or someplace public so he wouldn’t start shouting or being irrational. She didn’t think he would get like that, but she didn’t want to take any chances.

By the time they arrived it was past lunch, but they had stopped for food, leaving the afternoon open. Fiona was hoping to take Eli into the city, but she wasn’t sure what her mum had planned.

“I would give you some kind of advice before we go in,” Fiona said as they approached the door. She paused outside the gate to put out her cigarette, slipping the end back into her pack. Harry handed her a piece of gum without needing to be asked, and popped one into his own mouth. “But honestly, they like you more than me, so maybe you should be the one giving advice.”

“Wait, I forgot to ask something,” Harry said suddenly. Fiona blinked at him. “Will I be allowed to sleep in your room?”

“Obviously, we aren’t teenagers.”

“You were up until a few weeks ago.”

“That isn’t the point, Harry. I also shouldn’t have to tell you that we aren’t having sex while we’re here.”

Harry made a face. “With your brother in the house? Jesus Christ, Fee, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.”

“Good.”

She knocked.

Out of the three possibilities for who would answer the door, Fiona was filled with relief and joy when Eli appeared on the other side. He wore his widest smile, and immediately threw himself against her while talking a mile a minute about how he still had a month left of school and all the things he’d been doing. Fiona ruffled his hair and looked at Harry, who had moved to the side and was playing with his bottom lip. He smiled when their eyes met, but his attention was quickly torn away, because Fiona’s mother had come to the door.

“Harry,” she said, touching his arm and leaning over to kiss his cheek. “It’s lovely to see you again. When Fiona told me you were coming for the weekend, we were all very excited.”

“I’m happy to be here,” he replied.

Eli let go of Fiona and moved over to Harry to say hello, while Frances stepped toward Fiona and wrapped her in a hug. “It’s good to see you, dear,” she said.

“You too.”

“Well, let’s go inside, shall we?”

Fiona and Harry left their bags (hers considerably larger than his, since he was only there for the weekend) by the foot of the stairs and went into the sitting room. There was some food and tea on the coffee table, and Eli’s homework was spread out on the carpet.

“Is dad home?” Fiona asked, sitting down next to Harry on the sofa. Frances took the armchair, and Eli lay down in front of his school things.

“No, he had to go into the office,” her mum explained. “But he should be back in time for dinner. Speaking of, what would you like to eat?”

“I was actually going to ask if I could cook for you all,” Harry said.

“Oh, that sounds wonderful, Harry,” Frances replied. “Would you like to take a look in the kitchen to see if we have all the ingredients you need?”

Harry nodded. “Sure. But if there’s anything missing, Fee and I can just pop out and get it.”

Fiona caught the end her mother’s amused smile at Harry’s nickname for her before it disappeared, replaced by Frances’ usual neutral expression. She and Harry got up to go to the kitchen, while Fiona moved onto the floor next to Eli. As they left the room, Fiona heard her mum thanking Harry for giving her his pear tart recipe.

“How long are you staying for?” Eli asked.

“Two weeks.”

“What about Harry?”

“He has to leave on Monday, he couldn’t get that much time off work.”

Eli kept his eyes on his maths workbook, slowly going through the problems on the open page as they spoke. He wanted to know how Allison and Niall were (Fiona kept the story of their failed date to herself), when he could come and visit her next, and what they were going to do tomorrow. And once she was done talking, he started in on all the things he hadn’t told her when she arrived at the door, which turned out to be a lot.

“Wait wait wait, which one is Danny?” Fiona asked. She could never keep track of all the kids in Eli’s classes. He was friends with everyone, but from what she heard from her mum, they were mostly just school friends. Eli was still more attached to his comics and his science projects than other kids his age. But even so, he certainly seemed to be aware of everything that was going on.

“Danny is the one who pulled the fire alarm,” Eli said.

“Right, and he sits next to you in…”

“History. But he never does any of his homework and always wants to copy mine!”

Fiona grinned at her brother’s indignant expression. “I hope you don’t let him.”

“Of course not!”

“Good.”

Harry came back from the kitchen and sat behind Fiona on the sofa, stretching out his legs so they were positioned on either side of her. He leaned over and kissed the corner of her jaw. “Do your parents just keep lamb chops lying around? I was seriously expecting that I’d have to go out and buy some.”

“They’ve got everything,” Fiona replied. “God knows how they eat it all.”

“If you grew up eating all that posh food, why do you insist on having crisps for dinner?”

She tilted her head so she could look at him properly. “Because I grew up eating all that posh food.”

He shook his head, chuckling. “Is everything you do just to piss off your parents?”

Fiona’s smile was thin. “They certainly seem to think so.”

“Y’know, Fee, in order to get on with someone there’s got to be mutual respect,” Harry began. Fiona turned around, facing him fully, though she still had to look up to meet his eyes. She raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue. “Now, I’m not saying you should respect your dad being a dick—”

“What!” Eli exclaimed.

“Do your maths,” Fiona told him.

Harry looked apologetic. “You shouldn’t let him be mean to you for who you are,” Harry amended. “But you’re never going to get anywhere with your dad — or your mum, for that matter — if you don’t respect them. They are you parents, Fee, even if they forget that themselves sometimes.”

“He’s got to respect me too,” Fiona said quietly. She wasn’t so worried about her mum, they were in a good place, and she was content with that for the time being.

“I agree,” Harry said, nudging her with his knee. “Maybe remind him of who he is, yeah? Not someone who has a hard time with people who don’t fit into whatever box he’s put them in. I think he just needs to be reminded that he’s your dad.”

Fiona could’ve replied with something more sentimental, but that wasn’t the sort of person she was. “Have you been talking to my mother?”

“She was talking, not me,” Harry said with a one-shouldered shrug. “Said that when she remembered that being your mum was more important than anything else, that made her realize that it didn’t matter what sort of people you like. I know your dad is having a harder time of it, but maybe he just needs a little help.”

“I agree with Harry,” Eli interjected, before Fiona could say anything.

She looked over her shoulder at him, eyes narrowed. “You’re supposed to be doing your homework.”

“Hey, it’s not the kid’s fault I’m right,” Harry said.

“Don’t be getting smart now,” Fiona said, smacking his knee. Harry kept on grinning until Fiona sighed. “Okay, fine. It was good advice. I think…I think I know what I’m going to do now.”

+++

Harry recruited Eli and Fiona to help him with dinner. Eli was a much more responsive helper, and somehow managed to chop of his vegetables even neater than Fiona had done hers. Frances came into the kitchen midway through the process to inform them all that Peter would be home soon, then offered to help.

“You relax,” Harry said. “We’ve got this covered.”

Frances directed her impressed expression to Fiona, just so she’d know that if she hadn’t approved of Harry before, she most certainly did now. After her mum left the room, Harry came up to Fiona and nodded to the doorway.

“Go spend time with your mum. Eli’s better at helping, anyway.”

Fiona glared at him, but allowed Harry to push her out of the room. She found her mum in the sitting room reading a magazine, and took a tentative seat across from her.

“Harry’s kicked you out as well?” Frances asked.

“I’m a terrible cook,” Fiona admitted.

Her mother smiled wistfully. “You always wanted to taste whatever I was cooking, but whenever I tried to get you so much as touch a cooking utensil, you’d run from the room.”

“I was always afraid I’d burn myself!”

“I don’t think that’s what it was,” her mum replied softly, closing her magazine. “I think you were worried you’d make a mistake.”

Fiona frowned. “I’ve never been too concerned with that.”

“Maybe not now, but when you were little…” Frances sent her a knowing look. “You were a very cautious child, Fiona. But once you saw that the consequences of your actions weren’t as bad as you expected them to be, you completely changed.”

“For the worse, you mean,” Fiona said, certain that they weren’t talking about why she didn’t want to help with the cooking when she was a child anymore.

“I wouldn’t say that. I think you became more honest with yourself, which is a good thing. And not something that happens to most people as early as it did with you.”

Fiona pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. “When did it happen for you?”

The expression that came across her mother’s face told Fiona that Frances hadn’t been expecting that question. “Well, what I was going to say next is that we’re constantly shielding ourselves from things. So being more honest with ourselves, it’s a process. It’s something I don’t think we ever fully achieve.”

The sound of the front door opening and closing shattered the atmosphere in the room. When Fiona looked back at her mum, Frances was back to reading her magazine. Fiona tried not to be disappointed, and wondered if this was a side of her mother that her father didn’t see. It seemed ridiculous, because Frances was always eloquent and thoughtful. But perhaps it had more to do with the conversation at hand, since it seemed like these days, all their conversations were about Fiona’s dad, either directly or indirectly.

But then, the moment her father stepped into the room, Frances looked up again in a very deliberate way. “Fiona, I noticed that you haven’t once stepped out for a cigarette.”

Fiona was looking at her father. He stood stiffly in the doorway, holding a briefcase and a set of folders that were tucked under his arm. “I, um, I’ve been cutting down. I’m trying to quit.”

Gruffly, her father said, “It’s about time. I suppose we have your new boyfriend to thank for that?”

“I think your daughter deserves the credit, actually,” Harry said from the other entrance to the room. Fiona hadn’t even noticed him arrive. He wiped his hands on a tea towel and draped it over his shoulder, then held out his hand to Peter. “Though I can’t say I’m not happy about it. Good to see you, sir. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour. Eli and I are making lamb.”

“Eli…?” Peter asked, releasing Harry’s hand.

“Oh yeah, great kid you’ve got there. Steady hands, pays attention. He said he likes chemistry, I reckon he’d be brilliant at it.”

“Right.”

“Harry offered to cook us dinner,” Frances said, in response to the confused expression that was still on her husband’s face. “Isn’t that nice?”

“Yes,” Peter nodded. “Good. I’ll just be in the office.”

“An entire three minutes and I didn’t get scolded once,” Fiona said, once her father had ascended the stairs and gone out of earshot. “That’s got to be a new record.”

Harry fought off a grin, while Fiona’s mum fixed her with a stern look. “He’s trying,” she said.

“Yeah,” Fiona said, gazing toward the doorway her dad had just vacated. “I believe you.”