Liability

august 1, 2014

“Is every night this hectic, or are we all just getting the nerves out for the first show?” I let myself collapse backwards onto one of the large leather couches in the dressing room as I watched Lou brush a matte finishing powder onto Harry’s nose. He was the last member to come through for hair and makeup before taking the stage, the other four rowdy One Direction boys had come and gone, wandering off into one of the multitude of backstage rooms reserved for us in Toronto’s Rogers Centre.

I had never been part of a production this large, and was completely thrown for a loop when we arrived at the baseball stadium at the sheer volume of people involved backstage to make this tour happen. Wardrobe, hair & makeup, catering, security, and the opening band all had their own rather large designated rooms. They would filter in and out as they pleased, coming to Lou and I to fix them up just before taking the stage. I hadn’t realized that I had yet to sit down since arriving at the venue that morning until I had finished styling Niall’s hair and he bounded off down the hallway shouting something about having to finish a footy match Louis had started in another room.

Everyone was high energy, zipping around backstage in a rush to complete their respective jobs. It was a bit like a circus, watching how this band operated. Everyone had their own set job and when completed seamlessly the whole act came together.

Harry was the last one to come visit Lou and I because he had been on the phone with Gemma, grilling her about a date she had just gotten home from. Even from across the pond he was stepping into the role of protective brother. He whined to Lou and I, voicing his displeasure that Gemma had told us about the date before telling him. Based on Harry and Lou’s incredibly tight bond, I assumed he was usually the last one to come through and spent the remainder of his downtime before the show chatting with his hair dresser confidant.

Lux was curled up on the couch next to me, eyes glued to a cartoon playing on an iPad. She seemed entirely unfazed by the chaos unfolding around her, way too focused on what I assumed was a rerun episode of Peppa Pig.

Myself, on the other hand, I was completely wiped out.

“Every night is this hectic, love.” Lou answered back with a laugh, glancing over at my collapsed body as Harry took a break to tussle his own hair into the style he preferred.

“Plus this is far from the first show.” Harry chimed in.

Of course. This was Trixie’s first show, but this was old news for everybody else. This tour was already halfway to completion and I was late to the party.

Realizing that this world didn’t revolve around me was going to be an adjustment.

“You get used to it, though. Makes home seem rather dull and boring without all this chaos.” Lou was back to trying to powder Harry’s nose as he continued to swat her hand away.

“I’m sure once the jet lag subsides I’ll be back on my game.”

It was nearing show time and Preston was sure to bound into the room to collect Harry for his call to stage any moment now. Other than that I had absolutely no concept of what time it was here or even back in England. Although Harry mentioning chatting to Gemma after a date led me to believe it was way passed my bedtime back home in London.

“I think I live in a permanent state of jet lag.” Harry spun around in the chair in front of the vanity Lou and I worked at. “Might just register One Direction as its own timezone at this point because we never get to stay anywhere long enough to really adjust.”

“You’re all doing an awful job of selling this tour to me.” I groaned dramatically.

Lou let out a hearty laugh as she dismissed Harry and began to tidy up the mess that had been left in the wake of all of the One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer boys. No two members used the same hair products, each desperate for a style that they could brand as their own. Lou had ran me through what everyone liked, all of them tending to stick to a bit of a routine.

But Harry was the outlier.

Every night he was feeling something different. Sometimes he’d braid his hair, sometimes he’d let her put product in it to bring out the intensity of his natural curls, and on some nights, like tonight, he insisted on doing his own thing entirely. Tonight’s look screamed Keith Richards, with Harry dressed in a sheer black button up, and a bandana tied in his hair to hold back his wild curls. I could see all of his tattoos through the shirt and it took quite the effort to force my tired eyes away from his chest before he noticed I was staring.

“You can’t possibly be hating this already, we haven’t even started yet!” Harry seemed distraught, eyes wide as he gawked at me.

Without even having to look at her I could just feel Lou rolling her eyes. “Trix is just being dramatic.”

“I’m not dramatic.” I crossed my arms defiantly in front of my chest, but I could practically feel my nose growing three sizes bigger over that fib.

“I like the theatrics.” Harry’s eyes were wicked with a sparkle at his simple comment. I was unsure if he was referring to me or the theatrics of making this tour a reality. But suddenly my entire body was acutely aware that his eyes were still glued to me. God, did this boy ever have a power over everyone else in the room.

He was humble and yet still just his presence in a room demanded all eyes on him. He was a showstopper.

Lou paused her cleaning to lean up against the edge of the vanity for a moment. “I’m sure in a couple days you’ll be feeling alright again, you’ll be healthy and loving every minute of this.”

I could just tell by Lou’s tone when she spoke she was in mother mode. That was probably the biggest difference between Lou and Sam. Sam was a little more laid back, but Lou was always watching out for everyone. Her words were more of a statement of fact than a suggestion. I knew she was trying to psych me up about this tour, offering a bit of motivation about moving on from Jacks and making the most of this opportunity. I knew this because it’s all Lou would yap about this morning while I tried to sleep in. She was still on the same kick, but she just wasn’t name dropping my ex-boyfriend in front of Harry.

I wasn’t that concerned with this cold. I’m sure that tomorrow morning it would fully break and I’d be a right mess, sneezing and sniffling all over everything. Right now my body just ached and I was constantly tired. It wasn’t ideal, but I knew I could survive and keep working.

“You’re still ill?” The way Harry scrunched his nose up in confusion brought on an irresistible urge to smile, so I focused my attention on my iPhone that I had left laying in my lap when I sat down. A few messages from Sam wishing me luck on my first show greeted me on the lock screen, as well as a few notifications for new voicemails from Jacks. I’m sure they were just drunken rants when he finally figured out my apartment had been nearly entirely emptied out of my clothes and belongings.

When I failed to respond Lou jumped in for me. “Everyone gets sick on their first tour, Harry.” Her tone was strict, coming quick to my defence. “Jet lag mixed with all the recycled airplane air is a recipe for disaster.”

I was far too wrapped up in the notifications on my phone to respond, the sight of Jackson’s name on my phone an instant distraction for me. I had never felt like this about Jackson before. I guess you were supposed to get a feeling of sadness or longing when your ex-boyfriend reached out to you, but today was more of just an annoyance. Travelling across the ocean couldn’t even put enough space between us to give me some breathing room.

My patience was wearing thin with all of this. My life back in London was filled with daily harassment, and the constant dread of having to risk an interaction with Jacks. Combined with Sam and Gemma watching over my every move as if I wasn’t capable of handling myself. I loved them dearly, but I just wanted space. I was going to be okay on my own.

Granted, their hovering was exactly what had taken me away from London and the life that I loved so much.

As much as I was thankful for this experience and was going to make the most of absolutely every second, I was also a homebody at the end of the day. I liked my routine. I liked my flat and my short commute to Bleach every day. And now I didn’t have that because Jacks wouldn’t let me.

My life recently felt like I was treading water in a storm and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep my head above water.

Jackson was the hurricane.

I found it interesting that the thing you once loved, that meant the entire world to you, could so quickly become the same thing that made your life a living hell.

“On a serious note, orange juice helps, Trix.” Harry saying my name brought me back down to Earth, clicking the lock screen on my phone after I typed out a quick text to Sam. I promised I’d call her tomorrow when we figured out a time that worked for both Canada and England. I deleted the voicemail notifications.

Maybe I’d listen to them later.

Maybe I’d just let my inbox fill up until there was no more room for him to leave a message.

“Orange juice?” I repeated in an attempt to make it seem as though I had actually been paying attention to the conversation at hand.

Harry nodded his head to confirm, “with all the vitamin C, you know?”

I remember my mum saying the same thing to me all the time when I was growing up. I’m sure Harry’s mum had insisted the same thing.

“I’ll pop over to catering when you’re all on stage and see if I can find some.”

“Absolutely not!” I was caught off guard by how violently Harry began to shake his head no. “You need the freshly squeezed stuff, not the sugary processed shit they’ll have there.”

As soon as the word was out of his mouth, Lou’s hand made firm contact with the back of Harry’s head. “Watch the language, knobhead.”

“Soz, Lou.” Harry mumbled, rubbing at the back of his head. We all glanced over at Lux briefly, but she wasn’t really paying attention to any of us with Peppa Pig still playing on the iPad. “I’ll put some on the rider for tomorrow’s show for ya.”

“You really don’t have to do that, Harry.” I offered. I’m sure there was plenty of juice in catering already, or even just a grocery store near the venue. There was no need to make such a fuss over fresh juice just for me.

“It’s fine, Trix.” Harry waved me off, just as Preston appeared in the doorway.

“Showtime Haz, let’s go.”

Harry jumped out of his chair, ruffling Lux’ hair as he passed the toddler on his way out. “Bye girls, thanks for everything.” He called over his shoulder as he followed Preston towards the stage.

As soon as his curls had disappeared out of sight, Lou turned towards the vanity to begin the cleanup process. With the exception of a few essential items that we would use for touchups throughout the show, she began to pack up the rest of the mess that had been left on the vanity in the wake of getting all of the boys ready.

Each 1D member had their own clear plastic case for all of their unique products, neatly labelled with their names. Lou had this whole crazy circus act down to a fine routine by now and it was fascinating to watch her. Back at Bleach, I only ever had to focus on one client at a time, most customers coming in with similar requests for platinum hair and pastel colours.

“Mummy, I’m all done.” Lux announced, putting the iPad down as the episode she had been watching ended.

“I just need to pack up and then we can go get some dinner, alright?” Lux nodded at Lou and then handed me the iPad to put away into her small backpack full of toys she brought with her backstage. She was probably the most well behaved toddler for this crazy situation, but I guess this backstage rockstar life was all she had ever known.

Placing Lux’ backpack down on the couch next to her, I stood up to help Lou clean up. Lux grabbed the bag and began to clean up her own mess, placing stuffed animals that she had with her on the couch into the bag as well.

“That boys taken quite the liking to you already.”

I couldn’t see Lux’ face, but just by her tone of voice I knew she had a wicked smirk. I grabbed the clear plastic makeup bag with Niall’s name scribbled onto it and began to zip it up as Lou placed the last few bottles into Harry’s bag.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Lou.”

“Don’t play coy, Trixie.”

“We were sat next to each other on the plane, so he just happens to be the guy I’ve gotten to know the most so far on this tour. I’m sure I’ll be close with all of them soon.”

“But do you fancy him?” Lou zipped up the last bag, placing it back down onto the countertop. “It’s alright if you do, love.”

I gave her the most stern look I could muster, trying to ignore the Chesire cat grin sprayed across her face. “I’m just hear to work, Lou. That’s it.”

“That didn’t answer the question.” She walked away from the vanity to pick Lux up from the couch. With her backpack on, the three of us were going to head down the hall to catering to grab dinner while the boys took the stage. “I mean, I’m sure if he likes you I’ll find out fast. That boy can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

I rolled my eyes to brush off Lou’s comments. Harry was attractive, and from the limited interactions I had had with him, he was nothing but a sweetheart. He was also probably one of this most fit guys I had ever laid my eyes on, but he was an international pop star. Practically every girl on Earth fancied Harry Styles, so of course there was a bit of a crush there.

But for Lou to insinuate that something was going on was just mad. In reality we barely knew each other and had only spent a couple days together. He had such a warm personality, I’m sure that he was this friendly and welcoming with everyone he met on these tours.

There was no need to fuss over Harry and I. There was also no need for me to start overthinking. I had enough on my plate already. I wouldn’t even think of dating another guy until Jackson was finally out of my life, and I didn’t see that becoming a reality anytime soon.

Harry and I were becoming friends.

Just friends.

“All I’m saying is don’t forget who invited you out on this tour when you’re sending out the wedding invites, babes.” Lou winked.