Liability

august 2, 2014.

With my back resting against the headboard, I pulled my knees up into a bent position to find a more comfortable writing position without having to actually get up out of bed. Still unsure of what time it was here in Toronto, my body knew it was approaching mid-afternoon back in England and refused to sleep any longer, allowing me a few moments of peace and quiet to catch up on my journal writing.

Lux was up bright and early, as I imagine most toddlers are, which meant I had also been woken up bright and early. Lou was nice enough to take Lux downstairs to the hotel restaurant for breakfast so I could go back to sleep and catch a few more hours of rest. 20 minutes of tossing and turning later and I had finally decided I was up and awake for the day. Under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have been such a bad thing as I was usually an early riser, but these days my body was just always tired. No matter how much rest I tried to get I just always felt exhausted. I imagined this was what jet lag did to you, though.

My first night on the tour, and the first official show of the North American leg of the tour, was over and most of the crew had gone out for celebratory drinks after the show. But as soon as Lou and I had finished cleaning up the hair and makeup mess the One Direction lads left behind, I was aching for a bed and was passed out just as quickly as Lux when we returned to the hotel.

Lou’s boyfriend had made arrangements to come out and join us for a bit on tour, offering a bit of a built in babysitter if needed. It also meant I’d be getting my own room as Tom would be taking my place and I didn’t want to cramp their family time. For the time being I was rooming with Lou and Lux, but in a few days I’d be getting a hotel room all to myself. I didn’t mind the three of us sharing a room, it was nice to have a familiar face and a best friend with me at all times. I’m sure Sam was going to be jealous by the end of the tour that I liked her twin sister better than her.

Or maybe not, as I already missed Sam terribly. She was my best friend and my boss all rolled into one, meaning we were together nearly constantly. In fact I already missed all of the gang back at Bleach.

I finished scribbling down my small entry summarizing my first day and show of the Where We Are tour and closed the rather worn out notebook. The pages were nearly full and I would probably need to pick up a new one before this tour was over. I had to journal about absolutely everything and this tour was no exception.

Lou and Lux would be back from breakfast relatively soon and I knew they’d want to get out and do something for the day so I placed my journal back onto the bedside table. I switched on the TV to pass a bit of time while I waited, grabbing my phone off of the table where I had left it overnight. After receiving one too many nasty texts from Jackson last night I had made the executive decision to block his phone number. My phone was now a lot quieter without his practically constant messages, but I think this was a step in the right direction.

Last night I had fallen asleep texting Gemma all about her first date. As happy as I was for her, it was a little upsetting to know that I could very well be the only single girl in our small friend group now that Gemma had had a promising date. After being with Jacks for so long I had never faced this problem before. I had been with him the entire time I had known those three girls. I had seen all of them go through different break ups, and I guess it was finally my turn. It felt foreign to me, and I almost missed my relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. Now it almost felt like people eyed me skeptically when they talked about their own partners, as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment. As if hearing someone say the word boyfriend was going to remind me that I didn’t have one and send me into an emotional downward spiral. Gemma had even apologized if it seemed like she was bragging. It was almost like I had become the charity case of the group. I was going to be okay, though. They were just a bit over protective.

I aimlessly scrolled through the notifications that had amassed overnight. They were mostly just emails and social media notifications that I had no real interest in looking into, but Sam’s name stood out on the screen.

As if she could sense I was thinking about her from across the ocean, she had sent a quick message about calling me soon. I typed back a quick reply that we’d find a time that worked for both our timezones soon before locking my phone once more.

Hearing Lou slide her room key into the hotel door I tossed the phone onto the night stand just as Lux came bounding into the room at full speed.

“Trix, wake up!” She hollered as she struggled to climb up onto the bed I was still sitting on. “Swim, swim, swim!” Lux was practically squealing as she bounced around on the bed.

“We’re going to the pool today, Trix.” Lou appeared into the room, carrying a styrofoam take away container that she placed onto my bed before scooping up the rowdy toddler into her arms. “Here’s some breakfast for ya, but I think a bit of sun would be good too.”

“There’s a pool here?” I questioned. This hotel was in the heart of the downtown of the city, built as a massive high-rise building. I couldn’t imagine where they could have hidden a pool.

“16th floor.” Lou was digging through her suitcase, Lux still resting on her hip as she answered. “Apparently there’s an outdoor patio on their rooftop, complete with a pool. Waitress told us about it at breakfast.”

I opened the takeout container to find an assortment of fresh fruits and a breakfast sandwich, picking out a piece of cantaloupe and popping it into my mouth as I listened to Lou. “You know I love any opportunity to soak up some sun.”

Lou triumphantly pulled out a crumple of bright pink fabric from the mess that was now her suitcase. We were leaving tonight after the show and driving on a tour bus overnight to New Jersey for the next show, so Lou had insisted on packing up all of her things to be ready to go so she wouldn’t have to worry about it tonight. It was efficient and I knew she was right that there was no way I would want to do all of this tonight after a show, but it also felt a little overwhelming to just live out of a suitcase. Maybe on one of the longer stays I’d unpack a bit of stuff just to help myself settle in.

I knew this tour required constant travel, but right now everything was just feeling too temporary. I needed a little bit of a solid foundation to help me keep up.

“You’ve got 15 minutes to finish your breakfast and get a bikini on. Once this munchkin is changed and covered in sunblock we’re heading out.” Lux continued her chant of ‘swim’ as Lou carried her off to the bathroom with swim suits and sunscreen clutched in her free hand.

I took a few bites out of the breakfast Lou had brought back for me before getting up and digging out a swimsuit from my own suitcase. Not bothering to pick a set that matched, I grabbed the first top and bottom I could find before quickly changing. I pulled on a pair of ripped denim shorts over the neon orange bikini bottoms, and a grey tank top that was far too big for me just to cover up my strapless black bikini top for our walk to and from the pool.

Everything I had heard my entire life about Canadian weather was being proved to be untrue. The weather app on my phone told me it was nearly 30 degrees outside, and the sun was shining through the windows of the hotel room. There didn’t seem to be a single cloud in the sky; the perfect recipe for a day by the pool.

I was dressed and ready to go far before Lou and Lux, so I took my time finishing off my breakfast as I listened to Lux sing in excitement about finally getting to swim.

Moments like this were okay. Some sun and fresh air would help clear my foggy head. If I tried hard enough I could trick myself into thinking this was just a holiday with some of my mates, and I think I could get used to that.

*******

Wherever One Direction travelled, they brought an entire army of security guards with them. Each member had their own personalized bodyguard, and then a rotating roster of other security members who would watch exits, elevators, and escort crew members around. This hotel had provided their own security to watch the elevators on the entire floor the crew had booked for the two nights we were staying in Toronto, but as we arrived on the penthouse level of the hotel we were greeted by two more large bodyguards in front of the door leading out onto the pool deck. I took this to mean some of the boys had already beat us to the pool, and was thankful that Lou had remembered to bring her security clearance pass with her. I was still a newbie and needed to remember to have my pass with me at all times so I didn’t get into any trouble.

Located on the rooftop of the hotel, the pool had a large deck with about a dozen lounge chairs scattered around. Niall was already laying out on a pool chair, his pale Irish skin doing its best to try and soak up a little colour from the sun. I took up the chair next to him, kicking my flip flops off as I laid down.

“Morning Trix, how are ya, love?” It was still rather early in the morning and I was surprised by how cheery he seemed considering I was fairly certain he had been part of the group to go out celebrating the night before. Maybe he was lounging by the pool to nurse a budding hangover.

“Couldn’t be better now that I’m finally in the sun.” I wiggled out of my shorts and tank top in an effort to expose as much skin to the sun as possible. It was also pretty warm without any shade. “And how are you this morning?”

“Still a little drunk if I’m honest.” Niall had such a loud laugh it was impossible not to smile when you heard it.

Last night I had been the one to do Niall’s hair before and during the show so it gave us a bit of time to get to know each other. It had been our first official meeting, but he had such a warm personality I felt as though we were already mates, even if we had only learned each other’s names 24 hours before. He had been at my birthday in Paris, but those introductions were so brief and I’m sure he met so many new people on a daily basis because of the band that he didn’t have much memory of me. To most people on this tour I was still labelled as ‘Harry’s sister’s mate.’

“Big night last night?”

“One for the books, love.” He sat up a bit in his chair to reach for a bottle of water that was resting on the ground in between us. His skin was already turning a slight shade of pink which told me he had been out here for awhile. “I’m just trying to sweat the rest of the alcohol out of me system.”

“Sounds like I missed a good time then.”

“There will be plenty of other nights for you to catch up, don’t worry.”

As much as I didn’t enjoy going out in large crowds all the time and avoided drinking, I knew I needed to join the crew on at least one night out. It would be a waste of a vacation not to get myself out of my shell. I was here for a change of scenery, and that meant a change of Trix too. I was going to be more open and I was going to try more things.

I was also going to try not to take everything so seriously.

The boys were all on this tour to have fun, and I was going to as well.

“You can sign me up for the next one, I promise.”

“That’s the spirit, Trix.” Niall relaxed back into his chair, watching as Lou helped Lux slip some pool floaties onto her arms and climb into the water. “Harry was right about you.”

I didn’t even know what he was talking about, but the mention of Harry talking about me immediately made my stomach tense up. “Right about what?”

“That you’re the best one yet out of all of Lou’s assistants.” I pulled the pair of aviator sunglasses that were resting on my head down to cover my eyes to try and distract from how much I’m sure I was blushing. “Thought he was biased because you’re mates with Gemma, but none of her other girls ever wanted to go out with us. You seem like you’re down for some fun and a little banter.”

I wasn’t sure if this was Niall exaggerating a comment from Harry, or if he had actually complimented me, but I suddenly had a lump growing in my throat. Thinking about Harry and Niall having this conversation made me so anxious I could barely squeak out a ‘thank you’.

I needed to get a hold of myself. Since when was I so interested in what this kid had to say about me?

“No problem, Trix. I’m sure you’ll fit right in on this tour.”

Not willing to risk trying to get any more words out, I just nodded in response to Niall.

Before I met Lou and everyone involved with One Direction I had never met a celebrity before. I remember my mum always buying tabloid magazines and watching gossip news shows on the telly all throughout my childhood so I knew from a young age just how fascinating Hollywood was. It felt so foreign to be involved in this world, and to think that I was sitting by a pool next to an international pop star.

It felt even more surreal to hear this pop star tell me he had been talking about me with his other famous friends. My stomach was an instant mess of anxious butterflies.

Lux and Lou were just splashing around in the shallow end of the pool, the small blonde toddler squealing in delight as her mum danced around with her.

As much as I loved the feeling of the sun on my skin, a pretty healthy dedication to St Tropez self tanners had already provided me a nice dark glow, so I left my things on the chair next to Niall and relocated to the edge of the pool deck. Just as I let my feet dangle into the cool water near where Lou was, a mess of dark brown curls came through the entryway out onto the pool deck.

“Harry!” Lux cheered as she doggy paddled to the edge of the pool to greet him. He waved to the toddler before tossing his white t-shirt onto the chair next to where I had just been.

“Watch out, Lux.” He hollered before taking a running jump into the pool, splashing water all over Lou, Lux, and myself. I had never seen Lux laugh as hard as she did as Harry broke the surface of the water and swam over to where she was floating with Lou.

It was an adorable moment, watching as Harry took Lux from Lou and swam with her around the shallow end of the pool. Lou took the moment of free time to lift herself out of the pool and take a seat on the edge next to me.

In a moment like this it was easy to forget we were all working here. This felt exactly like the holiday I had always daydreamed of taking and I was so lucky to be in this position. It was a bit surreal to think that in a few hours we’d be preparing for another sold out arena show. I momentarily thought about pinching myself as I watched Harry toss Lux into the air and catch her before dunking the both of them under the warm water. But if this was all a dream I wasn’t quite ready to wake up just yet.

“Thanks, Lou.” I didn’t know how else to express how grateful I was for getting me out of London and giving me space from my shitty relationship. I didn’t specify what I was thanking her for, but the way she smiled over at me told me she already knew. It must have been a mother’s intuition or something.

“Oh, stop it.” She brushed me off, turning to look over at me only briefly. “You know we’d all do anything for ya.”

I was thankful for her being firm in her fight to get me away from Jackson. I was thankful for her offer of getting me out of England. And I was thankful for her making me feel so at home on this tour already. A simple thanks didn’t seem adequate, but I was at a loss for what else to say or do.

It was a bit surreal to think these were multimillionaire pop stars lounging around this pool. They all seemed so relaxed and it was easy to forget that the intricate circus act that was the Where We Are Tour was going to kick off again in a few hours and they’d be back in business mode. In an area impossible for paparazzi to get to, they all seemed to have their guards down. Right now Niall and Harry were just normal 20 year old kids soaking up some sun.

“I should probably get going and grab some lunch before Lux becomes a cranky toddler.” I had left my phone behind in our room so I wasn’t sure what time it was or how long exactly we had been here. The sun had shifted quite a bit in the sky, offering a few more areas of shade on the private pool deck which told me we had been out there for quite a while. “You taggin’ along or doing your own thing?”

I glanced around the pool to where Niall was still sprawled out in a lounge chair and then back to the crystal clear water my feet were soaking in. “I’m not sure, Lou.” I wasn’t particularly hungry and I was enjoying this beautiful weather so I wasn’t sure I was ready to go back inside and leave the sunshine just yet.

Harry waded up to where Lou and I were seated, Lux sitting on his hip as he carried her. “Someone heard the word lunch.” He laughed as he handed Lux back to her mum.

“You coming for lunch?” Lou’s question was directed at Harry this time who shook his head.

“Nah, I just got here. Might trade places with Niall and take a nap if I’m honest.”

“What are we planning?” Niall chimed in, sitting up in his chair.

“Lunch. You going to the pub, hun?”

“Is water wet?” Lou and I both let out a generous laugh at Niall’s response while Harry simply rolled his eyes. There was a fake Irish pub just down the street from the hotel that Niall had noticed last night and was dying to try. Leave it to this kid to go to another country and the first restaurant he visits is a gimmicky ripoff of the same pubs he would visit constantly at home. “You lasses want to come?”

“No thanks, love. Just going to stick with room service today.” Lou hoisted herself up, reaching for one of the towels we brought down from off an empty chair to wrap up Lux.

“Trix?” Niall was looking at me expectantly, but I wasn’t sure. “Fancy a pint and a pie for lunch today?”

“I’ll come.” Lou looked just as surprised by my response as I was. I had gotten out of London for a reason. To get away from Jackson and make a positive change in my life. If I just lived my life as usual I wasn’t really making a change or taking advantage of this opportunity. So I was going to step out of my shell. Maybe no pint, but I was going to go out without Lou.

“Sorted then!” Niall practically jumped out of his chair, gathering up the few belongings he had brought down with him. “I’m going to go shower up, and I’ve got a meeting with Caroline to try on a couple outfits for the show tonight, but I’ll be at your room in 30 to pick ya up for lunch.”

With Lux wrapped up in a fluffy white towel, and resting on her hip Lou smiled warmly at me. “And I’ll see you after lunch. Always just a text away if ya need me babes.”

“Cheers, Lou.” I waved her off as the three of them headed towards the exit. Harry hoisted himself out of the pool to sit on the ledge next to me. It was just the two of us, and Harry’s personal bodyguard waiting by the door, left at the pool.

“The pub with Niall before a show?” He asked, a hint of a chuckle in his voice. “That’s a brave choice.”

“Why’s that?” Every nerve in my body suddenly on edge that I had made the wrong decision. I knew how close Harry and Lou were so I think that’s why I valued his opinion so much.

“Just don’t want you too drunk that you can’t work tonight.”

He laughed as I squeaked out a quick “Oh.”

“You wouldn’t be the first one.”

“It’s okay.” I shrugged off the worry, “I don’t drink so it’ll just be food. I mean, someone’s got to stay sober enough to make sure Niall makes it back in time for tonight.”

Harry’s laugh was loud and contagious. It made me stomach flutter to think that I was the source of that infectious laughter. The media portrayed him as serious all the time, but I knew the real Harry was full of jokes and good laughs. He had a whole arsenal of terrible jokes that had begun to rub off on Gemma as she occasionally made us all listen to one. Both Gemma and Harry had very obviously warm and inviting personalities, something I was incredibly thankful for. Gemma had helped me feel at home with everyone at Bleach, and Harry was helping to make me feel at home here on tour.

“Ah, that’s right. You don’t drink.” I was surprised Harry remembered a detail so insignificant to him. He had brought me a water at my birthday in Paris when I was having a panic attack. I felt my cheeks heat up as I thought of how embarrassing it was that he had to take care of me that night and that he still remembered it.

“Not a fan.” I shrugged off, as I lifted myself from my seated position by the edge of the pool.

“Does this mean you don’t go out ever?” Harry asked as he followed me back to the lounge chairs.

I took a seat on the chair where I had left my shorts and shirt when we arrived to the pool. Grabbing a clean towel I shrugged my shoulders as I dried off my feet. “I’m always up for a cheeky night out or two.” I may not have been a fan of crowds or alcohol, but I loved making memories with my friends. That sometimes meant putting myself out of my comfort zone for a night out with my mates. My entire life seemed like a series of contradictions. “I just save a lot of money on cabs ‘cause I can drive myself back home at the end of the night.” I reasoned.

Harry sat down in the chair Niall had previously occupied next to me, laying out flat to let the sun dry off his swim trunks. “I’ll keep that in mind next time I need a drink.”

“That I’m always up to go out?” The last, and only time, Harry and I had been at a club together it ended with him ushering me out of a private entrance and rubbing my back while I tried not to sob the entire way back to the hotel. Not exactly a night out for the books I’d want to reenact anytime soon.

“No, that you can drive me home.”

Niall had left an empty water bottle discarded on the ground between the two chairs and I took this opportunity to toss the bottle at Harry. “I’m not a babysitter.”

Harry made no effort to dodge the bottle as it hit him in the chest, merely laughing out loud instead. “Hey now! I’ve taken care of you on a night out before! It’s time to return the favour, love.”

I faltered, unable to come up with a witty response. I had been thinking about how Harry had had to take care of me, but it made the situation all too real when he vocalized how he was thinking about it too. “Fine.” I huffed, folding my towel up as I was done drying off.

“I hope you know I’m just joking, Trix.”

His tone of voice was completely different and I could feel him staring at me intensely as I focused all of my attention on folding the towel. Instead, I just nodded my head in agreement. “Of course, Harry.”

Without a phone to tell the time, I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Lou, Lux, and Niall had left the pool. I’m sure it hadn’t been that long, but I figured I should probably be heading up to my room to freshen up a bit before Niall stopped by to pick me up. Nothing major, but my hair needed a bit of a wash and I didn’t want to wear a swimsuit out to lunch so I’d need to change into a proper outfit for the day.

“I should probably head out now though.” I told Harry, hanging the folded towel off the back of the chair.

“I haven’t scared you off, have I?” Harry looked genuinely concerned as he watched me swing my feet over the edge of the chair and stuff them back into my sandals.

“No, of course not.” I answered honestly. “I just need to get changed for lunch.”

“Changed?” He scrunched up his nose as he spoke. “You’re dressing up for Niall?”

“No, not quite.” I rolled my eyes as I shook my head no. “Just figured I’d need to be a bit more covered up than this so I should go put on some proper clothes.”

“Is this a date?” I could have sworn his eyes lingered for a moment on the florescent fabric of my bikini. I was suddenly hyperaware of just how much skin I had showing and quickly reached for my shorts to put back on.

He had a wicked grin on his face, telling me he was just trying to push my buttons right now. “Absolutely not. Don’t worry, babe.” I tried to keep my voice steady as I spoke, hiding just how nervous I had suddenly become.

There was a bit of a pause between us as I reached to grab the rest of the clothes that I had worn over my swimsuit on my way to the pool. I stood up from the chair, taking my sunglasses off for a second and tossing them onto the chair I had just been sitting on.

“I think you’re my favourite of Lou’s assistants so far.” Harry was fully reclined in the lounge chair, squinting against the sun as he looked up at me.

“Thanks!” I chirped. “I’ll be sure to add that to my CV - Harry Styles’ favourite hair assistant.”

It was like an instant eruption of butterflies fluttering in my stomach as he let out a hearty laugh. I wasn’t sure what brought on the compliment, but I’m sure I was blushing furiously. I was trying to keep my composure, fumbling with the buttons on my shorts to get them undone so I could slip them back on. I had never had a problem with my body or ever been too self-conscious, but I felt a sudden need to cover myself up as Harry watched me. His stares were probably innocent - looking at me because that’s the polite thing to do when you’re having a conversation with someone, but I was on the verge of a nervous wreck right now.

“It’s quite the achievement.” He had a cheeky grin on his face as he spoke. “One of the highest ranks you can get on tour.”

“And what’s my next promotion?” I stepped into the shorts, pulling them up and doing up the button in one quick motion. I once again felt Harry’s eyes following my hands. I think he thought he was being subtle.

When he looked back up at my face and noticed that I was staring directly at him his cheeks went a tinge pink. He was embarrassed I caught him staring, but rather than acknowledge it he gave me his best cheesy grin instead. “Harry Styles’ best mate.” Came his quick response.

I took this moment to slip my shirt back over my head. “Quite the title.”

“Even comes with a nice laminated certificate.” He reached for the black Wayfarers he had brought with him, slipping them over his eyes as if I suddenly wasn’t going to know he was staring at me now. It was a feeble attempt at a coverup and I just shook my head.

I grabbed my own sunglasses and put them on before I answered. “Does Lou have one of those?”

“She does.” His smile was huge, surely the exact grin that girls around the world went wild for. He was charming, he was down to Earth, he was sweet, and best of all he was just the perfect amount of cheeky. “Don’t tell her I’ve offered you the position though or she might get upset.”

“Do I get that if I pick you up pissed from a club?”

“Automatic promotion.”

“I’ll think about it.” I reached for the towel I had hung off the back of the chair and grabbed it to bring back up to my room as I prepared to leave.

However I wasn’t quite prepared for the next thing to come out of Harry’s mouth, clutching the towel to my chest like some sort of safety blanket.

“I like the thought of you thinking about me.”

I’m sure I looked a bit like a deer caught in a pair of headlights as I froze in place. Surely he was just taking the piss out of me, but I couldn’t stop the blush from creeping up my neck and turning my entire face a ridiculous shade of red.

This was all part of Harry’s charm. I had heard my fair share of stories about him from Gemma, Lou, and Sam. He was nothing like the womanizer the magazines made him out to be, but he was still cheeky. He loved a good joke, and he’d sometimes get flirty just to egg you on. He was polite and well mannered. But Harry Styles also had this undeniable charm about him. He was the perfect combination of mysterious and boisterous. It was why millions of girls around the world were in head over heels for Harry Styles.

I mean, his wildly curly hair helped too.

As he laid backwards in the lounge chair, stretching his arms out above his head to let out a small yawn, I couldn’t help but think I might be one of those million girls too.

“Cheeky boy,” I chastised, shaking my head as I finally got feeling back in my body. I needed to get out of this conversation as soon as possible and take a minute to get my head back on right. “have a good nap.”

“Bye Trix!” He called after me as I began the short walk back to the set of glass double doors leading back inside to the hotel elevators. It was a rather abrupt exit, but I was thankful to walk away as I finally let out the long breath I hadn’t been aware I was holding.

I needed to get my head out of the clouds and my feet back on the ground quickly. As much as this felt like a vacation the reality was I was here to work and I didn’t have time to turn into some giggly schoolgirl mess over one of the members of One Direction.

It had been a cheeky British boy who got me all flustered and nervous whenever I was around him that was the reason I was on this tour in the first place. I had gotten too carried away and let him flip my whole world upside down. Now I didn’t feel safe in my flat alone in London and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever really get to go home again.

I could practically feel Harry’s eyes burning into me as I walked away. I didn’t have to look back over my shoulder to know he was staring at me, mainly because I could see his reflection in the glass doors of the hotel. They revealed that he had sat up in his chair, sunglasses pushed up on his head, watching me walk away. It was quite the temporary ego boost having one of the most wanted boys in the world looking at you.

But the reality was that as nice of a boy as Harry Styles was, he was still a boy and they looked at anyone.