Hollow

No one would miss me that much anyway.

I read and re-read the final line of the letter over and over again. Each time, the sentence cute deeper and deeper into my heart. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. I wanted to throw my mother’s expensive vases at the walls. I wanted to stop crying, but none of that would ever change Jamison’s mind. There was nothing that could reverse what had already happened. Jay was gone; no other way to say it. He has removed himself from my life, and there was nothing in the world that would bring him back. My best friend left me.



“What are you thinking about, Livie?” Jamison asked as we sat underneath the stars on a crip April night. We were sprawled on on an old quilt that I have had since I was eight years old. The ground had finally dried up after all of the rain we had been subjected to, and we were able to sit beneath the stars. I sat up for a moment to look over at my best-friend, whom had just turned fourteen-years old. I, still being thirteen, thought the world of him.
“I’m thinking about how many stars are out tonight...why?”
“I don’t want to go to highschool,”
“Why, Jay?” I asked, completely turning my attention toward my best friend.
“Because you won’t be there,” He shrugged. “It’s always weird when you aren’t in the same place I am. ‘Guess it just doesn’t feel right,” My cheeks turned a nice shade of red and I was incredibly grateful that he couldn’t see them. I scooted over and laid my head on my best friend’s shoulder. “Nothing feels natural unless you’re there. How come?”
“I don’t know,” I lied. “Maybe you’re just co-dependant?”
Jamison scoffed.
“Codependency is for losers.” He stated, but I felt his body language say something completely different. He was one hundred percent co-dependant on me just as I was with him. It had been that way since he was in the third grade and I was in the second. “Do you think these kids are going to like me?”
“They’d be crazy not to,” I admitted.
Jamison was headed off to a different school than I was. He was moving up into the ninth grade, but not at the local high school, he was going to be at the all-boy prep school an hour away, and I would be stuck here. It was breaking my heart. Before the end of the night we pinky promised that things between us were never going to change, no matter what happened. It was a stupid promise.



“Baby, are you ready?” I turned my head to look at my boyfriend of three years named Daniel. He looked similar to Jamison as in they were tall and had the same color of hair. Daniel stood at 6’3” with a small smile, sad green eyes and chocolate brown hair. He had the sides of his hair shaved, not all the way to the scalp, and left it long on top. He was beautiful, and in just a month’s time I get to call myself his wife. He was wearing a pair of black jeans, a small hole in the knee, and a black button up.
“I’m never going to be ready, Danny.” I replied with a long sigh. I pulled my pale blonde hair until a braid, and looked back at the empty room. Nothing about this room brought comfort anymore. It was cold; barren. Daniel gave a slight nod and walked away from the door frame. He understood that I needed time. Time; it’s supposed to heal wounds, right? Apparently, but all I felt was pain. I walked further into the room, picking up objects from the dusty. green book-self in the far left hand corner.
On the third self, just past an old copy of Romeo and Juliet laid a purple, braided bracelet with the name ‘Jay’ stitched into it. I smiled; fond memories springing up from the vacation that my family took. We went to the beach for a week, and in return for not taking him with me, I brought Jamison a bracelet with his nickname stitched onto it back. His face literally light up when I handed it over, and he refused to take it off for years. He wore the bracelet until it broke, and even then he would fix it until the next few times it fell back off. He loved the bracelet so much that even when it was broken beyond repair, he put it on his keychain. When he went off for college, he took it off the keychain and left it on the book-shelf. I tried replacing it several times for me, but he wouldn’t take it before it wasn’t the original. That’s just how Jamison was.
Veering over, I looked at all of the picture frames he still had left in this room. There were more pictures of us than of anyone else, and that warmed my heart just for a moment. There were framed pictures of him and his only two exes that meant something to him; Monica and Isaiah. Monica was the girl that he had met when he went away for high school. She lived in the same town and went to the sister school of his all-boy one. She was gorgeous, with black cherry colored hair and long legs. Her smile was sweet; she was anything but. They had two good years together from the time he was fifteen to nearly seventeen. It wasn’t until she met me that things went south for them, and Jamison chose me over her.
The later of his relationships, with Isaiah, where the ones with Jamison closer to now. At the beginning, he was seventeen at the start of their relationship. Isaiah was just six months older than him. They were together until they were twenty-one. Isaiah was what I called his “High School Sweet Heart”, but he loved to refer to me as that role. Regardless of his thoughts, they were together for a while. I smiled, noticing that the pictures stopped at eighteen, when Jay moved out. However, I knew that he had other pictures of them framed. Some meant much more to him than I ever did.



“I just don’t think you going out on a date so soon is a good idea,” I stated into my cell-phone. “You and Monica have only been apart for a few months.”
Jamison sighed heavily on the other end of the phone.
“Stop worrying about me, Livie. I am a big boy.”
“You’re only a year older than me,”
“Then let me hand this,” He sighed. “It...It hasn’t been easy here, Liv. This place is great, but...I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
I would never admit that I didn’t want him to date because I had been in love with him since we met.
“It’s good to hear your voice. I wish you could come visit me more instead of going to whatshisface’s soccer games,”
“His name is Jonah, and that’s not the reason I haven’t visited.”
“Sure,”
I furrowed my brows.
“That was rude,”
“Sorry,”
He wasn’t sorry. There was a long, awkward pause where I said nothing. All that could be heard was the sound of a washing machine in the background and Jamison’s breathing on the other end. Before anything else could be said, I hung up on him. Just thirty-minutes later, Jamison replied that he was sorry and he would be in this weekend. I just sent back a smiley face and went back to sulking. He wasn’t allowed to do that, no matter how close we were.
The weekend rolled around and I was cheering for my then-boyfriend who had just scored a point for our high school’s team. I jumped up, thrusting my hands in the air along with Jenna, my new best friend. No one could replace Jamison, but it was nice to have a girl best friend around when you need one.
“You know, this sport makes absolute no sense to me,” I jumped in surprise, and turned to see Jay smiling down at me. He had grown three inches since the last time that I had saw him. I squealed, regardless of how upset I was at him and hugged him tightly to me. He chuckled, his voice had also dropped another octave. He pulled back, beaming that famous smile at me and offered his hand to Jenna. “Hi, I’m Jay.”
I furrowed my brows. He rarely introduced himself as Jay; usually just Jamison.
“I’m Jenna,”
At that moment I noticed that someone was with him. He looked slightly uncomfortable. He was nearly the same height as Jamison was and he had charole black hair and brown eyes. He was smiling and inviting. Jamison’s hair had grown out, nearly to his chin. His blue eyes beamed from this boy and back to me. I wasn’t catching on.
“I’m Isaiah, but most people just call me Izzy.” He stated. “Nice to meet you, Olivia.”
I nodded and looked to my best friend for questions; he was blushing instead.
“Nice to meet you, Izzy. What brings you here with Jay?”
“I...well I’m meeting his family today. Properly anyway… we’ve been dating for four months.”
I knew that I looked just as shocked as I felt.



I giggled at the memory, even though it had been embarrassing. I remember excusing myself from the group only to cry in the bathroom for a few minutes. I didn’t have a problem that Jay was dating a boy; my issue was that it wasn’t me. It had taken quite a bit for me to realize this, but when I did. I immediately broke up with Jonah, my first and only high school boyfriend. Jay’s family fell in love with Izzy, and the rest was nearly history. They were insanely close, and I swore that they were going to get married one day. That all blew over when Jamison drunkenly swayed over to my house one summer night last year to tell me that their relationship was over. I offered to help him fix it, but it was too late this time, Jamison had done some damage and it wasn’t going to be fixed.
I stood just a moment longer before walking out of the room. Daniel was standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me. He wore a small smile and extended a hand to me whenever I got close enough. I gratefully took his hand as we joined my parents in the foyer. Today was going to be an incredibly long day, and I wasn’t going to last. I knew that people would look directly at me for support. I nervously stuck my hand inside the pocket of my dark gray colored pea coat. Instantly my hand brush upon the wrinkled piece of white notebook paper. I didn’t make it out of the door before the tears were brimming over without my permission.
Daniel, just as graceful as ever helped guide me outside. I held onto his hand like it was a life-line. I never wanted to let go, though I was longing for a much different hand. I longed for the comforting hand of my best friend that I wouldn’t get to hold again. And that made the tears worse.
Jamison’s mom, Tisha, laid a hand on my shoulder and gave me a small squeeze. She tried her best to smile, but it faltered the instant she noticed my tears. Daniel let go of my hand long enough for me to embrace the woman that had been like a mother to me for most of my life. She whispered small encouragements in my ear, though I wouldn’t believe them, before she moved on to join my mother and her husband.
“I know this isn’t a great time, but I love you,” Daniel stated. “And everything is going to be better, okay?”
I just nodded, regardless of how hopeless I was.



“Hey kid,”
I beamed as I raced toward my best friend as fast as I could. I hurled myself at him, making a deep, throaty chuckle escape his lips.
“Jay.” I sighed.
“I missed you, Livie.”
“Miss you too,” I replied quickly, pulling back far enough to look at him. “Why are you spending your first ever spring break as a college student at home?”
He just shrugged.
“I spend too much time gone from home.” He stated. “Needed a change of scenery, I guess,”
I scrunched my nose.
“Did you have another fight with Izzy?”
“Yeah, something like that,” He stated. “Anyway, how are you?”
“Up to my nose in Senioritis.” I stated. “I hate this. It’s so close to graduation and all I want to do is sleep.”
He laughed.
“It actually happens to the very best of us,”
“How is college going?” I asked. “You know, since you decided that you were going to be some big shot Ivy League student!”
“Dartmouth isn’t that great,” he smirked. I rolled my eyes at him, but he just shrugged his shoulders regardless. “I mean I like it, and it’s only an hour away from the art school Izzy went to, so I guess I’m happy.”
I nodded, looking down at my feet.
“Yeah,”
“And you’ll be there next year, which will make it even better, right?”
I opened my mouth to reply, but my mother was already outside.
“Jamison!” She cheered happily. “You made it!”
“Hey, Beth,” he smiled widely, hugging my mother.
My mom pulled away and waved toward his house.
“Your mother and father are going to be so excited that you’re home.”
“Perfect.” He bit.
If I wasn’t his best friend, I wouldn’t have caught the way that his eyes darkened, or the way that he was fiercely chewing on the inside of his lip. He wasn’t happy to be back, and suddenly I felt the sting of that Jay didn’t want to be here, but he was anyway. That in itself didn’t sit well with me.
His parents of course asked him about where Isaiah was to which his reply was they were taking a “break” from each other right now. He blamed distance and school schedules, which would make sense to me. However, I happen to know that most Dartmouth students are incredibly happy where the are, especially if their significant other was only an hour away. He should be living the life, as he did in his prep school. He should be having the best time ever, but something told me that he wasn’t happy at all.
Jay’s dad talked to him about the fraternity he apparently joined, and they bonded over that for a minute. I didn’t even know that he had joined one in the first place. He smiled only for a moment before the blank stare took over. I didn’t realize it, but I would be getting that look a lot more in the upcoming years.
“I love school and all, but I can’t wait to have Olivia join me in the fall,” He stated, but only received confused stares in return. “What?”
“Olivia won’t be joining you in the fall,”
My cheeks turned an ever brighter color of pink.
“The spring then?” He questioned slowly. I felt my face getting hotter and hotter by the second.
“Olivia will be attended Stanford in California in the fall. Didn’t she tell you?”
Jamison’s jaw set tightly as he looked at me dead in the eyes.
“No, she didn’t.”
“I...I meant to. I got a full ride…” I trailed off, looking down at my hands for a moment.
Tisha laughed lightly.
“It must have slipped her mind,”
“Doubtful,” He stated. “She just didn’t tell me the truth.”
“I wanted to,” I stated.
“Save it,”
I was left red-faced with our parents at the table. Upstairs, the door slammed, and I jumped. He wasn’t happy, which was to be expected. I helped the Tucker’s clean the table off before walked over to my house and drug the raggedy,old quilt from the tree house. I spread it out and laid down on it. Above me the stars shined bright, making me smile for a moment. It wasn’t long until I had Jamison blocking my view. He hadn’t gotten a haircut in a while as his hair was falling over his ears now. He didn’t say anything, but gave a small smile and gesture toward the blanket. I nodded and he took a seat beside of me. We sat in semi-awkward silence until he wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
“I really should have told you,” I stated.
“I know,” He sighed. “But now I know so I guess it’s all good.”
I huffed, looking at him this time.
“I’m sorry. I hate this.”
“Me too,”
“You’ve been my best friend since I was seven years old. I should have had the decency to tell you.” I admitted out-loud. “Jay, I don’t like this. I don’t want to go to Stanford and be even farther away from you than I already am.”
He nodded, taking my hand in his hands.
“I feel like I’ve been in college since high school.” He confided. “I haven’t really, truly been home since I was fourteen. I’ve been living this same routine for the past five years. I’m sick of it. I want to go see the world, Livie. I don’t want to be stuck in Ohio for the rest of my life.”
“I know,” I nodded my head.
He huffed angerily.
“My life would have been so much easier if I could have just stayed here with you. I could have gone to school here...I could have fallen in love with you, and my life wouldn’t be so….disappointing. I’d have the best girlfriend ever, and we’d grow old together. We’d get tons of pets and have loads of kids.”
My heart felt like it had leap into my throat.
“Yeah...I...I mean I would love that,”
“Really?” He asked, looking at me questioningly.
“Yes,”
“I love you, Olivia. I really do,”
“I love you too, Jamison,” I stated and it was the first time that the admission had left my lips. At eighteen years old, I admitted that I was in love with Jamison Elijah Wright.
He studied my face before leaning down and pressing a kiss to my lips. I kissed back and when he pulled away, he was smiling widely at me. The next thing I knew, he was cupping my face and pressing his lips to mine even harder. I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind when his tongue licked my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I didn’t mind when he led me upstairs to his bedroom or when I had lost my innocence to him less than an hour later. It was perfect and we loved each other. What I didn’t count on was that he was leaving again in less than a week and by the time summer rolled around two months later, Isaiah was with him when he returned.
Jay spent most of the summer trying to apologize to me, and keep the secret from Isaiah. It only worked so long until everything bubbled to the surface, and Isaiah left in tears. I felt responsible, even though I knew it wasn’t entirely my fault. After a few weeks, Jay accepted that it was over and spent most of his time with me. We cuddled, played games, went on a mini-vacation with our families, and spent most of the summer in his bed, drenched in sweat. It wasn’t until he drove me to California that we talked about what was going on. He gave me a grand speech about how wonderful I was; how loyal. He spoke about how much fun he had and that he wished I was going to Dartmouth with him, but he accepted the way things were happening. He moved my stuff into my dorm room which I was sharing with my high school best friend, Beth, and pressed a slow, stirring kiss to my lips.
“Love you, Livie.”
“You too, Jay.” I nodded before letting go of him.
“Don’t break too many hearts while you’re hear. I’ll see you durning Thanksgiving Break, okay?”
I nodded and smiled happily at him as he left. When it became October, we lost almost all contact with each other, and I began a friendship with Daniel, who was a Lit major like I was. When I got home for Thanksgiving, I brought Daniel with me. I wasn’t surprised when I saw Isaiah’s hand linked with Jamison’s upon our arrival. I was very glad I didn’t show up alone, or tell him that I was in love with him, because that would have been a disaster.



“Jamison Elijah Wright was one of the best people that I ever knew,” Isaiah stated, shaking at the podium. “He...he loved adventure and mystery. He wanted to always keep people guessing, and he really. He was fiercely loyal to his friends” He paused to look at me with a smile. “And he loved deeply. Jay was the life of the party. He always had a way of making people smile, even when they didn’t want to. He...Sorry…” Isaiah got choked up. “He was important to anyone who had the privilege of having him in their lives. We love you Jamison.”
I zoned out when the Preacher stepped up to finish up the service. Tisha held my hand very tightly as her body racked with sobs. I stared straight ahead at the casket. I felt the tears falling down my cheeks, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. Daniel held my other hand and rubbed my back at the same time. I licked my very chapped lips, and tried to take a deep breath. It was hard to believe that just last week, Jay had been alive, spending time with me at my apartment in California. Jay and Izzy officially broke up last year for reasons that neither of them talked about with anyone. I knew the boy was broken when I ran into him in Cali. I could see it written all over his face. We’d been in constant contact, and things were actually looking better. He looked happier.
Looks are incredibly deceiving, I decided as I walked across the grass with Daniel. He didn’t speak, allowing me to try to process what was going on. My heart pounded, but I didn’t do anything about it until I reached the car. Daniel drove back to my childhood home as I had a emotional breakdown in the front seat. All I had done since I found out is cry. I don’t know what else to do. I had forever lost my bestfriend. He wasn’t coming back this time. He wasn’t away at prep school, or with Isaiah. He wasn’t at Dartmouth in New Hampshire. He was literally gone. He was dead, and there was nothing that I could do about it.
“I want to be alone,” I told Daniel.
“Take all the time you need,”
Daniel, sweet Daniel didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve his finace sobbing over another man, and one that she was still in love with after all of these years. I gave him a quick hug before I walked toward Jamison’s family home once again. This time I ran up the stairs to his room, and I stood in the middle of it.
No one expected Jay to kill himself. He overdosed on pain medication, and he left notes to three people, His parents (who are one), Isaiah and myself. It was extremely painful way to realize how much pain someone was in.

No one would miss me that much anyway.
The line kept replaying over and over again in my head the longer I stood there. I looked out the window, toward our childhood tree house. I finally released the scream that I had been holding in, and it certainly felt good.

Dear Olivia Blake Turner,
First off, I love you so incredibly much, Livie. I have since we were kids. You’re the best friend that I could have ever had. I love you. Sappy to start off with, but I do. I don’t want to make this letter all gooey, but I don’t want it to be all dark. I’m crying right now, how weird? I didn’t thinking saying goodbye would be this hard. I don’t want to live without you, Livie. I know you probably hate me right now, but you don’t get it. I was just hurting so much. No one cared to notice, except you...only you. You were the only constant in my life, and I treated you like shit. You should have been the person I stayed for, but you wouldn’t want me either if you knew how bad things are.
I can’t live anymore, it’s all just too much. Please try to understand, Liv. I know it’s hard and my parents aren’t taking it great. I sent them and Izzy a letter as well. I’m sorry I treated you the way I did, I should have been better for you. I’ll miss you, and I hope you miss me too. You’re the hardest person for me to leave. You always have been. Besides,
No one would miss me that much anyway.


~

It’s been five painful years since Jamison has been gone. In all that time, my heart had slowly started to mend and time went on. I missed him more than I missed anyone in my life before. I never want to experience that feeling again. Time doesn’t heal wounds, as I have found out.
I was back on a rare trip to Ohio with my family. Daniel, myself and our kids are staying with my mom in my childhood home. It just so happened that our trip landed on the anniversary of Jay’s passing. I never went to see his grave and after some heavy convincing, I decided to go. I first stopped by the local flower shop and picked up flowers. It took me some courage to even get out of the car. I had emotions inside of me that slowly began to stir again. I missed him so much that it physically hurt sometimes, and I’ve come to realize that’s normal.
With flowers in hand, I find his tombstone which happened to read:


Jamison was only twenty-three when he decided to go, and I still miss him every day. We should be celebrating his twenty-eighth birthday soon, but we aren’t.
“I loved you so much.” I huffed. “You left me. You left me here without any care or concern about what this would do to me! You just….I loved you so much, Jay. I wanted to be there and to hold your hand every day. I missed you so much when you were away at school or Dartmouth. I wanted to be with you…” I trailed off, looking at the tombstone until I couldn’t see clearly. “You selfish prick. This had broken me...and all you could leave was a letter,” I couldn’t finish what I was going to say because I couldn’t stop crying. It was a few hours later that I had dried my tears and just sat beside the grave that I got the courage to speak again. “We, Daniel and I, named our son after you. He’s adorable. You’d love him, Jay. I...I’ll see you later,”
I pressed my hand to my lips and then the tombstone. The word he wrote were brought back to the forefront of my mind.
No one would miss me that much anyway
So incredibly wrong. I miss you too much.
As I got back to the house, Jamison’s old house that is, I took a quick trip with his mom up to his room. Tisha put all of his left-over stuff into boxes for people to take, they couldn’t have it anymore. I asked to go look through the remaining stuff. Inside, I took the box of photographs of the two of us as we grew up. I took his old books, and most importantly I took the remains of that old ‘Jay’ bracelet that I had gotten for him. As I turned to leave the room, this time it was completely bare. It looked as if no one had ever been in there. The walls had a different color of paint, and my box was the last thing that was left. I realized that the room looked how I felt without Jamison. It looked lonely and foreign.
But above all else, it was incredibly, unbelievably hollow.