Full Life Circle

When I am composed enough, I open the letter that the doctor had given me. It’s written in Ande’s handwriting.

Jon,

Hunny, I know that we always knew this was a possibility, but now it’s a reality. I’m sorry I can’t be here for you and our baby. But know that I am always looking down and wishing you both the best. I love you both more than you can ever know. That’s why writing this letter is even worse than I could have ever imagined. I have written it a million times since learning about our little bundle of joy, I just hope this one is the best that it can be.
I want you to know, first and foremost, that you are the love of my life - my one and only. Ever since that day at the supermarket in Winnipeg when you ran into my cart, yes, you ran into my cart. I knew you were the one for me. Nothing has changed that in my mind, ever. When we were dating, I knew long before you asked me to be your girlfriend that if you were to ask me to marry you, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I still love you that much. That’s why I wanted to give you the one thing you wanted so much when we got married, a baby. It didn’t matter to me that I could die. I knew you wanted a baby and I wanted that too. Even when we found out what could happen, I knew I had to go through with it because it would make us both happy in the long run. You will forever have a part of me with you. I love you more than words can say.
And for our baby. Whether it’s a boy or a girl, it doesn’t matter. It’s half me and half you, so that baby will be perfect no matter what. I love this baby so much. I am so glad that I got to carry our baby, a representation of our love to each other. I am so glad that I decided to take the path we did because I know now that I would not have been satisfied living an entire life without having a baby that is half you and half me. Even if we had adopted, it would have been nice, but a blood related baby is completely different than one that might not even look like us. We did the right thing, no matter how much you are thinking we didn’t right about now. Because I am not there now, when we could be picking the name of our baby, I am going to leave you with my top favorites. You don’t have to go with any of them, but they are cute. For a boy, I love Jonathan Jr. I don’t even think another name should be considered. Sorry if you don’t agree. But for a girl, I favor Jacquelyn, Charlotte, and Brooklyn. Like I said before, it doesn’t matter if you choose another name for our baby because whatever you pick will be perfect.
Lastly, I have left you more letters for different parts of both of your lives. They are in my desk at the apartment, but please, only open them when the envelope says that you or our child should.
I love you, Jonathan Bryan Toews. Don’t ever forget me, but don’t think you can’t ever be with another woman. I think it would be the best if you did find another woman, not too soon as to appropriately mourn your wife, but someday. Our child will need a mother figure in its life and that means you can’t deny yourself the pleasure of loving another woman. Choose wisely, my love. Life is what you make of it and I made plenty with mine.

Your love,

Ande

The entire time I am reading her letter, the tears will not stop. It’s crazy how much this letter means to me and knowing that she took the time to do this, when it must have been so difficult, makes things so much harder. I just let it all out and sob for a few minutes, not caring who walked by.

“Jonathan,” I hear Abby’s voice. It’s a relief to hear her voice considering that everyone that had spoken to me in the last hour has been a stranger. I look up and I’m sure she’s surprised to see what I look like.

“Abby,” I say with my voice cracking. Abby is Ande’s best friend, so she knows everything that could have happened and I didn’t even need to tell her what did happened.

“I’m so sorry, Jonathan. I am so, so sorry. No one deserves this, especially you.” She comes over and wraps me in a big hug. I don’t stop her even though it is kind of unmanly. I need this interaction with another adult right now. The feeling of pain that is going through me is just too strong to care about anything else.

“Thanks, Abby. But we do have a perfect little girl right inside the nursery. I haven’t given her a name yet, but this letter, a letter Ande wrote who knows how long ago, has given me some ideas.” I say softly with a small chuckle. I still can’t believe she had been so prepared to die. It is just incredibly weird for me to think about her as dying, but apparently she put a lot more thought into it. “I can’t believe she’s gone, Abs.” It’s true. Even though I knew it was coming, I knew it before the doctor even told me, and even after reading this letter; I still can’t believe it.

“Neither can I. We have talked about all the possibilities for months. But now that it’s here, it’s still hard to handle. What are you thinking of naming your daughter? What were Ande’s suggestions?” she is just trying to make things easier, but it still doesn’t seem to help things.

“Her favorites are Brooklyn, Charlotte, and Jacquelyn. But my favorite is Brooklyn Ande Toews. What do you think?” It just spews out. I don’t even know where it came from. All I know is that it is a perfect name. Even if Abby didn’t like it, I am not going to name my daughter anything else. It is perfect.

“I think it’s perfect, Jonathan. Ande would appreciate the gesture. Can I see her?” I nod and wipe the last of my tears away. Slowly, we both stand and I lead her to the nursery window. I look for my baby girl and when I find her, a smile makes its way to my face. She really is perfect and looks like a good mixture of both Ande and I.

“That’s her, two in from the right in the first row. She has the dark hair.” I continue to smile as Abby gushes about my precious little girl.

“She’s perfect, Jon. Have they said anything about when you can take her home?”

“I haven’t really thought to ask. I was worried about Ande and then when I finally got to holding her, I didn’t want to think about that. I should probably ask who to tell about her name too. Hey, what’s the update on the game?” I finally find a spare moment to think about the game I had left behind to be there when my precious little Brooklyn was born.

“They are holding their own. It’s only the Winter Classic, Jon. It’s not like it was the Stanley Cup Finals or anything. Besides, they need to learn to play without you at least for the next few weeks as you and little Brooklyn get situated. I will not let you go back to hockey without settling in with your newborn baby. Actually, I know it’s soon and all, but have you thought about what you are going to do once you go back to hockey? I would love to say that I can take care of her while you are hockey related things, and I can sometimes, but I can’t do it full-time, Jon. Madelyn is already jealous with Sadie in the house because it’s just that age, to try and add someone who isn’t even her sister might prove to be more difficult. They call it the terrible twos for a reason. We should get you a nanny. But through a good service or something, so that you can guarantee that person isn’t after your money.”

“That would probably be a good idea considering I hadn’t even began to think about it. I know I will have to take a few weeks off from the team, but it didn’t even cross my mind for what to do afterwards. Can you ask around, see if anyone has found a good service?” I can’t believe that neither Ande nor I thought about this beforehand. We should have been looking for a nanny a while ago because it can take a long time, or so I hear, to find the perfect one.

“I can ask. Wait a second, I know the perfect person for the job. My baby sister Emily would be perfect. She’s attempting to get her Master’s, slowly but surely, and she wants to get it through UIC. She refuses to come and live with Pat and me, but maybe she would consider coming to Chicago to work for you and go to school the rest of the time! I can take Brooklyn a few times a week while she’s in class and then she’s a full-time nanny the rest of the time. It could be the perfect solution. Especially to have my sister here full-time. I can call her up now if you want, Jon. I think she would do it.” Abby went from sad and somber to more energetic and her usual self in the blink of an eye as she brought up her sister for the job. I can’t help but think that Abby would never suggest someone not qualified, or someone who can’t do a good job. But her sister? What if I had to fire her or she gave me problems? Could I fire her or something without hurting Abby’s feelings?

“It’s a possibility. You can give her a call and see if it would be anything she would like to do. If she’s somewhat interested, she can do a trial weekend or something if she wants. I will pay for her travel. Do you want to come in and hold her?” I quickly change the subject to my daughter because that is who I should be focusing on right here and now. The nanny is important, but it can wait until tomorrow.

“I would love to Jonathan.” She turns to me with a smile. Abby loves babies, I have seen her with all the guys’ kids and she just gobbles them up. But my daughter is so much more to Abby, it’s her best friend’s daughter. I already know that Ande would call her Aunt Abby for little Brooklyn and that Ande and I had decided that Patrick Kane and Abby were to be the godparents. We had already asked them and everything. Now it just makes me think about how we will have to go through a christening with just myself as her real parent. I will have to ask Abby to help me arrange that too.