Full Life Circle

I lead Abby to the nursery door where a nurse meets us.

“Hello again, Mr. Toews. Your daughter is awake. Would you or Mrs. Sharp like to hold her?” Abby works part-time at the hospital while her kids go to a sitter for a few hours a day and so the other nurses know her pretty well. And of course, because she’s Abby, she’s well liked.

“I certainly would love to hold her. And while I do, will you get Jon situated with someone to fill out that precious girl’s name and birth certificate information? It would be much appreciated, Lily.” Abby takes charge and gets exactly what we need to be done moving. The nurse waves over another nurse to take Abby to Brooklyn while Nurse Lily takes me to the nurse’s station outside of the nursery.

“You have selected a name, Mr. Toews?” I only nod as she moves around the station to collect the necessary material. “These are the forms that need to be filled out. The blanks you need to fill in are highlighted. The rest will be added by the hospital before it gets sent out. May I ask what you decided on?” this woman is short, a little on the heavy side, but with a soft and gentle face. It seems that is the perfect combination for a nurse who focuses her career in the nursery. She looks like she would be easy to talk to for new parents as well. And right now, she looks oddly curious to know what I plan to name my daughter.

“Brooklyn Ande Toews, it’s what her mother would have wanted. Thank you for getting me the paperwork.” She nods and smiles.

“I will be in the nursery if you need anything else, Mr. Toews. I think the name is beautiful, by the way. Let me know if you need anything,” she turns towards the nursery and leaves me with a pen and a lot of paperwork. I slowly start to read it and begin to fill it out. It asks about parents of the child and then the child itself. I leave all of the mother’s information blank because I don’t know if it still applies. That causes me to cry again and when I finally was done, Abby’s back in front of me.

“Do you need help?” she sounds so sincere. I know she saw me cry. It’s hard, knowing that she has seen me cry, but I have to accept it because today is a rough day. I can’t imagine what the day of the funeral will be like.

“I just need to know what to do about the mother’s information. Do I fill it out or do I leave it blank?” I shake my head trying to keep the tears away.

“I will go find Lily and ask. Why don’t you give me the paperwork? If it needs to be filled in, I will do it. I know how much pain looking at it is and then having to fill it out could be a lot worse. I’ve got it, Jon.” I just let her take it and am just fine with that.

I go to hold my baby girl once more before going home to hit the sack. I don’t end up seeing the guys that night. I am too tired and not ready to face anyone else. But I kind of wish I would have seen them, maybe even stayed over at one of their places because it is worse to see OUR place so empty. Knowing she will never come back here is hard. It is a place she picked out for us back when we began to live together about a year before our wedding. It wasn’t meant to be the place we raised a family, I had actually contacted a realtor about purchasing a house in the Chicago suburbs for our family and was in the middle of negotiations on Ande’s favorite when I got the call today about her going into labor. Now, I don’t think I can go through with the house that we picked. It’s hard enough tonight, as exhausted as I am, to be in the place she lived in. I think it will be just as hard to live in the place she picked out.

The next morning, after getting maybe five hours of sleep, I decide to go back to the hospital to see Brooklyn. The nurses hadn’t known when I left yesterday when I should expect to bring her home, but I had made sure that her bassinet and clothes were ready to go before I left this morning. I even brought the car seat and clothing that Ande had picked for her to wear on her way home from the hospital. It was a little green outfit seeing as green was more gender neutral than blue or even yellow. Abby called as soon as I got up to the nursery floor and so I answer her call.

“Hey Abby.” I say taking a step in the opposite direction of the nursery.

“Hey. I was just wondering when you were going in to see Brooklyn today. Patrick wants to come and meet the princess that holds his Captain’s heart and hockey stick for the next few weeks. The girls are already at school and I was supposed to work today, but my boss gave me the day off because of Ande and everything. So, I’m yours for the day. Whatever you need done.”

“I just got here. I haven’t seen her yet and I don’t know when she’s coming home, but I think I grabbed everything I would need to bring her home with if she was able to. Her bassinet is all set up in my room at home, but I don’t have a clue how to make formula or anything like that to feed her. Hell, I’ve only changed two diapers in my entire life.”

“Pat and I will be on our way in just a few minutes. Let us know if you find out that she is coming home today. I can drop Pat off with you and get you stocked up on the good formula and stuff. Do you have diapers at your place? I can always get you some of those too.”

“We have some, but I don’t know if they are the right size or anything. She was a little early and is on the small size, but I don’t know what size the diapers are that we have.”

“Just let me know if she’s coming home today. I can go to the store.”

“Okay, I will let you know. Thanks, Abby. See you soon.” I finish walking the rest of the way to the nurses’ station so that I can find out how her night went and what the latest news was. There is no one there, so I go over to the nursery window. I spot my daughter instantly, even though she is no longer in the same spot as last night.

“Which one is yours?” an elderly man asks from beside me in front of the window. He has graying hair and is the same height as me but heavier.

“The one in the middle of the second row with the dark hair. She was born last night.” I say with a proud voice. She is healthy and is currently sleeping. She looks so peaceful and doesn’t realize how different her life is going to be because her mother has died and has never gotten to know her. It is going to be a long and hard road ahead of both of us.

“My grandson is the one to her right. He was born yesterday afternoon. I flew in last night and visiting hours were already over by the time I got in. He looks so much like his father. Too bad he won’t ever get to meet him.” The older man chokes up for a second before clearing his throat and wiping a tear from his eye. “He was a Marine. He died for his country just weeks after learning that his wife was pregnant with the little guy.”

“Was he your son?” the elder man just nods and I place a reassuring hand on his back. “My wife passed away last night due to complications from childbirth. We knew from the start that it was a possibility because of something genetic or something, but my wife refused to give up the baby. I can honestly tell you that it isn’t any better if you prepare for it or if you don’t. They are gone no matter what in the end and leave the rest of us to fend for ourselves.”

“It’s such a shame that so many young people are dying, for multiple reasons. We are in the twenty-first century. You would think that war would be done with and that dying from childbirth would long since be a rare thing. But it happens every day, to the best people and the worst people. It just isn’t fair.”

“No, sir, it isn’t. I am sorry for your loss and hope your grandson lives a good and happy life, but I just spotted a nurse that I need to speak with.”

“You too, son, you too.” That’s all I hear before I am out of hearing range as I approach the nurses’ station again.