This Distance Is Poison

Kennedy and I got back to his house late. It was nearly ten as we walked through the front door, giggling and laughing. It had been a crazy rest of the day. Kennedy showed me around his hometown. Smiling, he told me stories and memories from his childhood and about growing up. Most of them were happy ones while there were others that weren’t necessarily sad, but not happy either. I saw all of the schools he went to, including his high school which was about the same size as mine in Florida. We both had different stories about high school to tell, but I’m positive that his were better than mine.

We stopped by a RedBox to get a couple movies. Kennedy put one in and made popcorn while I changed into my pajamas in my room. I tied my hair up in a messy and unplanned bun. I turned my light off and left the door open. Following the buttery scent of fresh popcorn, I walked down the hallway and waited for Kennedy on the couch. The living room dimmed, but it was just the kitchen lights he turned off. Next he flicked the living room lights off and I kept my eyes on the TV as he came over and sat down beside me. The warmth from the bowl full of the popcorn touched my thigh where Kennedy set it in between us. His one arm rested on the back of the couch and his other dug into the bowl. I took a few pieces and popped them in my mouth, still tasting the dinner on my tongue. Kennedy and I went for traditional pizza tonight.

The first movie wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. I still watched it though. It had a good soundtrack to it. I quit on the popcorn around the middle of the movie. Kennedy set it on the table when the movie ended and he stood up to put in the other one. There was no way I could stay awake for this next one. It was past midnight and I was about to get up and tell him that I was going to bed, but he sat back down. Once the movie started and the credits were out of the way, I turned on the couch and laid my head on the back of it. My eyes were still on the screen.

I tried my best to hold my eyelids open. It wasn’t that this movie was boring or didn’t hold my attention like the last one. It was just that I was too tired. Kennedy didn’t notice my sleepy eyes until I let out a yawn and turned the other way on the couch. I crawled to lay on my side and I curled up, bringing my arms into my chest and closing my eyes.

“We didn’t have to watch another movie,” Kennedy said softly. “You could’ve just told me you wanted to go to bed.”

The room went dark after he spoke and I peeked my eyes open to see that he turned the TV off. He stood from the couch, grabbing the popcorn bowl because it made a sound when it scraped against the table. The kitchen light turned on, illuminating the wall behind the TV. Kennedy made little noise while he was in there and I closed my eyes again.

“Em.” Kennedy placed his hand on my arm when he was in front of me. I yawned again and opened my watery eyes. “Come on,” he said and lifted my arm up to put around his neck. He held on to my waist as I put my weight onto my feet. He didn’t have to help me to my room, but he did and he even tucked me in. I laughed while he did, pushing his hands away and telling him I was fine on my own.

My dad called me a few days later. I just got back to Kennedy’s house after we went to the mall for a little while. We just had fun and ran around, trying to find anything we could play around with. We went into the candy shop and tried nearly everything.

“Hello?” I answered, sitting on the end of my bed. I crossed my legs, trailing my finger in circles on my calf.

“Arizona, Emily? Arizona? What was going through your head? You have no reason to be away from home. Your mother is worried sick about you and you can’t even tell us you’re there when you already are. This is unacceptable.”

“Unacceptable? What is there for me to do at home? You fired me because I couldn’t do anything right!” I got up and shut my door. I didn’t want to attract Kennedy in.

“So that makes you buy a plane ticket and fly two thousand miles away?”

“Jerry, please.” My mom pleaded from the background.

I rubbed my forehead, not really wanting to fight with my dad, but he was pissed as it is and I couldn’t calm him down. No one could.

“Do you even know what’s out there? You were doing fine here, what is your reason for leaving, Emily? You couldn’t look for another job for yourself and at least attempt to live your life?

“What’s out here, dad? Tell me. What’s out here?”

He sighed, “Don’t be a child, Emily.”

“You’re the one who asked the freaking question, dad, so why don’t you tell me? What didn’t I do right? Why can’t you just accept that I am not, never have been, and never will be perfect? I’m tired of trying so hard for you when you don’t even want to see it. And if I was doing fine at home, then why did you fire me?”

“Because you weren’t what I was looking for, Emily!”

Because I wasn’t enough. This is why my dad and I never get along. He wants perfection all the time. I paused, gritting my teeth as my eyes watered. How shitty was it to hear from your own parent that you weren’t enough for them? “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

I hung up, throwing my phone behind me on the bed. I covered my eyes, wanting to scream. Now what was I going to do?

Before going to bed, I brushed my teeth in the bathroom upstairs. I’ll admit that I was brushing them a little hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would say to Kennedy. How would he take it? Maybe he’d be okay with it. Maybe he’d understand that my dad was freaking out and that if I didn’t go home now, he’d surely come after me. He’d find some way to come here to drag me back to Florida, I knew it. These past few days have been the most fun I’ve had in a while and it’s all thanks to Kennedy. I wouldn’t be feeling this way if it weren’t for him. And now my dad wanted to tear me away from him? He wanted to tear me away from something that may only make me happy?

I spit out into the sink and wiped my mouth. Kennedy was downstairs getting a drink and I said goodnight to him before walking down the hall and closing my door behind me. I climbed into bed, dragging the blankets up to my chin and staring at the light under the door. My mom shouldn’t have even told my dad where I was. Now I had to leave Kennedy and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I guess it was kind of a good thing since I didn’t know when I would leave anyway.

The light under my door switched off and Kennedy went up to his room to sleep. The house was quiet after that. I couldn’t hear him go up the stairs, or shut his door, or anything. All I heard was my dad’s screaming voice in my head. Why did he have to ruin every good thing?

I stayed up late. I had to pack tomorrow and I should’ve probably went to bed early so I could get a start on it before telling Kennedy after he woke up. Valerie needed to know that I was coming back home too. I pulled my phone out from under me and found her name already in my messages. Coming back tomorrow, I said and sent it. It was very late there, but she’d see it in the morning.

There was no way I’d be able to go to sleep anytime soon. I got out of bed, touched the carpet with my feet, and walked through the dark to the door. A late night snack would’ve been filling, but it wouldn’t get me to sleep. I walked passed the kitchen and living room, heading for the stairs. It was dark in the house, so I walked up each step carefully and held on to the railing. The hallway upstairs was dark too and there was no light coming from Kennedy’s room. As quiet as I could, I walked toward his door with pupils probably bigger than my head. Even if it was dark, I could still see Kennedy lying in his bed. I think he was on his back, his head turned toward the windows across from me. I closed his door quietly and stood still in front of it.

“Kennedy,” I whispered, leaning forward a little as if to propel my words. “Kennedy.” I called a few more times, walking closer to the side of his bed. He was on the far side, stirring after I called his name for the fifth time. I grabbed onto the blankets covering the bed.

“Em?” He wondered, turning his head toward me and rubbing his eyes. “Are you okay?”

I swallowed. Moving the blankets aside, I crawled in and put both of my hands under my cheek while on my side. Kennedy turned toward me too and I stared at his silhouette. “I’m fine.” We stayed quiet, still staring at each other. I licked my lips and nibbled on my bottom one. “I’m going home tomorrow.”

Kennedy stayed quiet for a moment as if he fell back asleep. “What? Why?”

“My dad called earlier and he was freaking out.” I sighed quietly. “I don’t want to leave, but I have to.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, Em. We both knew that you had to go home sooner or later.”

“I wish it was later.”

“Me too.” He said quietly.

Goosebumps rose on my arm from the air conditioning moving around Kennedy’s room. I bit my lip again, wondering if there was a way that I could just stay here for a little longer. Technically, I could, but I couldn’t afford my dad coming out here. That would just be embarrassing. No doubt he would come if I didn’t show up tomorrow. Then again, how would he know? I live with Valerie. He’d definitely come by though just to check.

Kennedy moved onto his back. I could see the outline of his nose and he was looking up at the ceiling, blinking every four seconds. After a few minutes passed, I moved closer to him. My arm went over his waist under the blankets and I could feel skin on skin. He lifted his arm closest to me and touched my back with his hand. I repositioned myself against him and felt his chest rise and fall with my head on it. For some reason I wanted to stay up the whole night with him. I didn’t want either of us to fall asleep.

“I’ll come again. Soon. I promise.” I said, my breath blowing on my arm and Kennedy’s stomach. “I had fun here with you. It’s been the most fun I’ve had in a while.”

Kennedy started to run his hand up and down my back. It was almost as if he didn’t notice it. “I’m really glad you came. You handled the heat like a champ too,” he chuckled. I smiled. “What’s going to happen, Em? What are we going to do when you go home and we’re both back in two different states again?”

I couldn’t just say “we’ll figure it out”. Even that wasn’t good enough for me. “I don’t know, Ken. Maybe when I come here again, I’ll stay longer. Maybe a month or two.”

“I could come out there. When the guys and I aren’t doing anything, of course.”

“I’ll visit all the time.” I said, not really thinking about it.

“What about when you can’t afford plane tickets anymore? You can’t devote yourself to a job and then make a trip to stay here for a month or two. No job will let you take that much time off, especially in the first year.”

I shrugged my shoulder, “Maybe I’ll be unemployed. There’s tons of people who are.”

“How are you going to make a living for yourself, Em? I’d love for you to stay here when you come visit, but what about living with Valerie? Don’t you guys split rent? You have to find some way to keep the money coming in.”

I paused for a moment. “You sound like my dad — without the yelling and shouting though.”

“I care about you, Em. I want you to be happy and I want you to have the best.” Kennedy ran his hand up my back and moved my hair aside so he could rub his thumb over the back of my neck. We kind of sounded like a couple right now, but it didn’t bother me. Did it bother him? Did he even notice that? Kennedy was really sweet for saying all that and it just makes it harder to leave.

I picked up my head off his chest, lifting my arm up and touching his cheek with my hand. I could make out his mouth from the darkness, just enough to push my head toward his and kiss him softly. I had no idea where that bravery came from. Two years ago I never would’ve thought that I’d get the chance to kiss Kennedy, let alone on the lips. It lasted for about a minute until I pulled away and went back into my position again. His heart was beating when I put my ear to his chest again. I smiled, still wondering if I actually did do that.

“What was that for?” He asked quietly when his heart settled down.

I shrugged, feeling his frozen fingers on my neck. “I just wanted to.”

Kennedy put his other arm around me just before we fell asleep. I wanted to give my dad hell for making me leave this boy. I would see Kennedy again. I had to.