Everything Will Change

Ashton's P.O.V.

****Leaving Michael's Party****

Humiliated. Useless. Stupid. Those are great adjectives to describe how Calum and Luke made me feel. What Calum said to me did not surprise at all. He made it clear when he broke up with me that I was the most boring boyfriend he ever had and that I actually was a loser.

His words hurt me, but they didn't hurt as much as Luke's words and reactions. I thought he understood me, I thought he actually cared about me. He clearly doesn't. His words were harsh. He abandonned me when he said he would stick with me at the party. He knew I was scared, but he got mad. I was ruining his fun, I was selfish.

I could not stay any longer in that house, mostly after I saw Luke laugh at what Calum said. I was hoping that he would protect me, that he would simply tell him to shut up. He didn't. I'm not worth it, and he didn't care enough about me to stand up from in front of his cool friend.

The thing is that nobody cares about me. I'm just the good loser guy at everyone eyes. I'm just the pathetic Ashton Irwin that people treat badly or expect to much from him. The weight on my shoulders is getting to big, I might not be able to support it much longer. In fact, I had no intention to.

What happened at the party was the straw that broke the camel's back. All my life, I've been tolerating how people acted with me. I tolerated their expectations, their bad words, their punchings...everything.

I just can't take it anymore. It's too much for a single human to handle. I have nobody to help me and understand me, my mother being the one who pressures me the most along with her husband. I don't have any friends I can talk to, I have nobody. It's just me stuck with myself.

A part of me hoped that Luke would chased after me after I ran away from the party. It could have stopped me from having all those dark thoughts in mind. I knew he wouldn't follow me, because he is like everybody else. Careless. Careless about my feelings and about my entire self.

I ran back to my house, crying more than ever. I was a mess, I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I opened my front door and saw that my mother and my step-father were watching TV, as usual. They both noticed my sad face and asked millions of questions.

''Ash, what are you doing here? I thought you and Luke were at the bowling?'' My mother asked.

There was no way to lie for Luke again. He would get mad, but I wouldn't be able to face it. I would be gone.

''There never was bowling, we went to a party and I left because Luke and his friends are jerks,'' I replied.

''So you lied to us?'' My mother asked. ''How dare you lie to Ashton Fletcher Irwin? I have raised you better than this. How many times have I told you how lying is rude and horrible? You're disrespectful.''

On all the questions she could have asked, she asked that one. She found it more important to know that I lied than to comfort me. She didn't care that people made fun of me, she didn't care that I was crying in front of me. She was mad that I did not act like the perfect little boy I'm supposed to be.

That just made me sad even more. After Luke and Calum, it was my mother's turn to make me feel like I'm a big pile of shit. Did they talk to each other and agreed to make my life miserable?

''Yeah,'' I replied harshly.

I didn't give her time to reply. I climbed the stairs two by two and locked myself in my bedroom. I had so many bad thoughts on my mind. I was hurt, depressed, sad.

It only made it worst to see Luke's things in the room. I felt betrayed by someone I should not even care about. The thing is that I liked Luke. He was the first one to actually try to be my friend. I thought he wouldn't give up on me. He did, just like everyone else. He moved on.

I can't blame him. Who would want to hang out with me? Who would wish to go out with a fat ugly loser? Nobody wants to be around Ashton Irwin. It hurts to know that I'll always be alone, that I'll never have someone to protect me.

I cried on my bed for hours. I did not catch any sleep. I was simply thinking about my life and how useless I am. I did not want to feel a thing anymore. I wanted to leave, I don't belong here. Nobody would even care if I was gone. I would just be one less mouth to feed. It would make everybody happy.

Why did it have to be? Why should I be the one who keeps getting hurt? I don't see myself as a bad person, why does like keep sending me obstacles? Why does life pushes me to the point where I just wanted to kill myself and never see the Sun again?

The night soon turned into morning when I heard the parents making some noise from the kitchen downstairs. This was my chance. I tried to push the thought away durning the night, but it would not go away. That is what I really wanted. I wanted to die.

I quietly opened my room's door and closed it behind me. I walked to the bathroom and locked myself in it as my mother and his husband had no idea about what I was about to do. I looked at myself in the mirror. All I saw was an ugly, stupid, useless, fat and horrible boy.

I opened my drawer containing all my hygiene stuff. I was looking for something in particular, and I finally found it. I was reuniting with an old friend of mine that I haven't seen in so long : a razor blade. I sat on the floor as the tears kept falling down my cheeks.

I threw away years of being clean when I put the blade against my left arm and did a small cut. I have gone years fighting the urges, but I fell. I fell everything that I attempted in my life, I am a big failure.

There was no going back. I kept cutting until both my arms along with the floor were covered with blood. I couldn't tell how much cuts there were on my arms, but I knew that the amount was proportional to my degree of pain. And that degree was enormous.

I knew that this wouldn't be enough to kill me. A small part of me didn't want to die, but a bigger part wanted to. I spotted a small bottle of painkillers belonging to my mother on the small counter next to me. I tried to reached it. It hurt, but I did it.

That was it. That would be my last action as an alive person. That was my last goodbye. I opened the bottle and as I was about to put a first pill in my mouth, I heard a familiar voice at the door.

''Ashton, are you okay?'' Luke asked from the other side of the door. What was he doing here? Who does he think he is to ask me how I am. He is partially reponsible for this.

''G-go away Luke,'' I replied crying. I thought he was going to leave it there. As I was about to take the first pill once again, he spoke again.

''What's wrong, Ashton?'' He asked. He's such a good actor. I know he doesn't care about me, nobody does.

''I said go a-away Luke. L-leave me alone,'' I replied.

I was a sobbing mess. I threw the bottle of painkillers on the wall before the door opened revealing a worried Luke...and for once, I could tell his expression wasn't just a lie.

****Present****

As I cleaned myself up, I had lots of thoughts in mind. Those thoughts were more optimistic than my previous ones. I knew that, in the end, I would be okay.

Before my conversation with Luke, I was 200% certain that I wanted to die. I just wanted to give up on everything and leave this world for a better place. I wasn't thinking straight. I just wanted to end it all. I didn't want to fight anymore.

After this conversation, a smaller part of me still wanted to die, but not as much. The truth is, I wake up everyday wishing I was dead, but I can push the thoughts away. I can fight the urge to hurt myself. A bigger part of me still wants to fight and believes that every storm as its end.

At first, I didn't believe a single word that Luke said to me. I wouldn't let myself believe that he actually cares about me. But as the conversation went on, I saw guilt and caring in his eyes for the first time.

I wish he would have realized that his words could cause pain in another way than seeing me covered in blood and cuts. At least he did, and I believe he was sincere. He did really felt about the whole situation. He believed he was the one and only to push me to harm myself and I couldn't let him having this idea.

For once, he didn't ran away from me. For once, he didn't try to escape drama and problems. For once, he stayed. I'm thankful that he opened that door and tried to make me feel better about myself. I'm glad that he didn't give up on me for once.

Even though he hurt me, I wanted to believe that he would change. I wanted to give him a second chance. I wanted to give him the opportunity to show me that he can care about someone else that isn't him.

If it wasn't for Luke knocking on that door and talking to me, I would be dead. Nobody would have stopped it. My dead body would have been found in the bathroom a couple of hours later. I would have been forgotten and we wouldn't have talked about me anymore.

I'm thankful that he found me and he stopped me. He might have been one of the reasons I wanted to end it all, but he's also the only who stopped me from doing an ultimate mistake.

Things will get better, I believe that one day they will. Life will go easier on me, life will let me be happy. I've had enough downs, I can't wait for the ups to come back.