Broken Bottles and a Broken Home

The moons and stars on Jack’s ceiling seemed to get brighter the longer he stared at them. Jack had lost track of how long he’d been laying there with the lights off and the curtains drawn shut. He was restless once again, thoughts consumed with the elder. He clutched the pillow tighter to his chest and inhaled the scent. It smelled like cinnamon and aftershave. Like Alex. He wiped at his eyes as an attempt to stop the oncoming tears. It had been like this for two months now. He had cried himself to sleep every day. His mind was a strong current of thoughts, memories, and faded promises. He could barely breathe from how hard his sobs were. He could remember everything like it was yesterday. He wished it wasn’t that way.

~*~

The nine year old watched Alex with a strong admiration as he named numerous constellations.

Alex pointed at a star and said, “You see that one right there? It’s called the North Star. It’s a part of the Ursa Minor. Follow the North Star and you’ll always be going north. That’s what I’m gonna do. Go north.”

The boy tilted his head curiously and asked, “To the North Pole?”

Alex laughed and shook his head. He replied, “No silly. To my home, Jack.”

Jack scrunched his face in confusion. “We’re at your home right now Alex. Did you hurt your head?”

“I didn’t, and we are not at my home. We’re at my house. There is a difference, turd.”

“I’m not a turd!”

“Psh, sure you aren’t.”

Jack shoved Alex and he shoved him back. The two young boys continued shoving each other until they were giggling too hard to continue. Alex stared at Jack until Jack hid his face in embarrassment.

“Do I have something on my face?”

Alex smiled and shook his head.

“Then why were you looking at me?” Jack asked.

Alex poked his nose and said, “I was just thinking. Don’t worry.”

Jack shrugged and smiled. The nine year old was absolutely fascinated with the ten year old next to him. They were best friends.

~*~

Jack woke up with a slight headache and a loud pounding on his door. He trudged downstairs, not caring if whoever it was saw him at his current state. He stopped caring a while ago. He opened the door to find one his best friends, Rian. They met in high school, instantly hitting it off when Jack had noticed Rian’s Face to Face shirt. Rian looked precise as usual. Jack motioned him in and the other boy started to take in the state of Jack’s apartment - filthy. Rian sighed and sat on a chair, after throwing away the previous occupant - a pizza box. Jack sat down in the middle of the couch and looked at the floor nervously. He hadn’t had a guest since… since him and Alex broke up. His mind filled with the memories once again until someone had cleared their throat. He looked up and Rian was staring intently at him.

Rian cleared his throat once again and said, “I’m worried about you Jack. It’s been months since we’ve last spoke. How are you holding up?”

Jack shrugged and started lightly kicking a Coke can on the ground.

Rian sighed and tried again, “Okay then. What have you been doing these past months?”

Jack shrugged again. How do you tell someone that you’ve been obsessing over an ex-boyfriend for the past two months? He’d seem deranged.

“Jack, talk to me. All of us have been worried. I literally had to force the rest of the guys to stay in the car.”

Jack looked at Rian and shrugged before saying, “I don’t know what to say. Is there a specific reason for you being here?”

Rian looked away immediately and picked at a loose string on his shirt.

“Rian, what are you hiding?”

“I could ask the same to you, Jack.”

Jack gave Rian a look and he instantly spilled, “Alex made us come here.”

Jack looked down at the Coke can and attempted to take Rian’s words in. Alex… still cared? Alex wanted to check on him? No, he would be here if he did. It would be Alex instead of Rian.

“Then where is he?”

“We all thought it was best that he didn’t see you right now.”

Jack sighed and tucked his legs close to his chest. He would be uncomfortable with Alex here, though he did wonder how Alex was holding up. It was Jack’s fault anyways.

~*~

Jack reached for Alex’s hand while Alex tried to leave. Jack’s heart broke apart piece by piece as more tears rolled down Alex’s face.

“A-Alex. I’m sorry, it was a mistake. I was drunk!”

Alex shook his head and let a whimper slip his lips, “Jack, being drunk isn’t an excuse. I can’t believe you!”

He tried to hold the now sobbing boy, but Alex instantly jolted away.

“Don’t t-touch me! You… you pig!”

Jack backed away a bit and stared at his hands. He was trembling, he realized. Out of worry or anger, he would never know. He knew he fucked up. He knew in the very beginning something like this would happen because, well, Jack Barakat was a fuck up. One giant mess of clumsy and foolish.

“Alex.” Alex looked up a little and shrugged. “Can you forgive me? It will never happen again, I swear.”

Alex looked down and shook his head, “Third time’s ‘posed to be a charm.” And with that, Alex got up and left. Little did he know, he wouldn’t see Jack for a long while.

~*~

Jack’s head snapped up as someone yelled his name. Rian looked quite aggravated, but you could see the hints of worry.

“Jack, did you hear me?”

He shook his head and Rian sighed, “I said that we have a tour coming up in a month. If you don’t pull your shit together, you’re out.”

Jack couldn’t help but blurt out his next words, “How’s Alex?”

Rian stared at him in shock and anger, “I just told you you could be kicked out of the band — your fucking life – and you ask about him? Are you serious?”

Jack looked down and picked at his robe sleeves. He couldn’t help himself, it was impulsive. After being with Alex for so long, it was instinct to worry about the older man. He could hear Rian sigh and his front door slam shut. He couldn’t hear anything else as his mind was flooded with voices, their words echoing over and over in his head. It felt as though the speakers were bouncing off of the walls of his brain, trying to see who could do the most jumps in a certain amount of time. He could hear his name being called in the distance, but it was so very faint. He could feel someone shaking him, holding him, touching every feature of his face. Jack couldn’t see who though for he was blinded with memories of him and Alex, over and over. The voices were driving him crazy.

‘Look at you, fucking up again. Stupid.’

‘God, can’t you keep your shit together for one civil conversation?’

‘FREAK!’

There was a chorus of laughter as those words were. He desperately tried to tune them out and see reality once again, but to no avail. This happened quite frequently, alcohol being one of the only ways to make it stop. Unfortunately, it was the one he went for most. Poor Jack was wasting his life away.

“J-Jack,” he managed to choke out, referencing one of his many bottles of Jack Daniel’s in the cabinet under his sink. All he wanted was to numb this all away. He couldn’t get hurt when he couldn’t feel pain, right? He reached his hand out, trying to crawl his way to the kitchen, but the person held him tighter. Jack almost wanted to scream, but he didn’t. He attempted to scratch his arms, but his hands were filled with firm warmth. He started thrashing his body around, hoping for a small glimpse of escape. He could see now, but it was all blurry and faded through his tears.

“Jack, listen to me!”

Jack looked up instantly as he heard the voice that haunted him daily. He wiped at his eyes and blinked a few times before looking at the person again. It couldn’t be, but it was. Jack felt guilty as soon as he saw the tears and worry in the man’s eyes.

“A-Alex?”

Alex nodded and Jack almost cried again from happiness. He looked at Alex again and finally noticed that Alex wasn’t too well off either. His clothes were crinkled, hair messed up, and had bruise-like bags under his eyes. Jack felt guilty; it was all his fault.

“I’ve missed you Jack. It was a mistake leaving you.” Jack knew he should talk, but all he could do was shrug and look down. He wasn’t ready to face Alex. “Please answer me.”

Jack looked up and back down again. He wanted to speak, oh so bad, but he was physically incapable. His throat would clench at the very thought.

“Jack… Please. I really am sorry.”

“Y-you don’t need to apologize.”

Alex smiled, but frowned quickly, “But I broke up with you?”

“’Cause I fucked up again.”

“Jack, we can forget that. I need you, and by the looks of it, you need me too.”

Jack wanted to say yes, but how could he? He knew Alex could do so much better than his pitiful self. He needed to let go for Alex’s sake. Alex needs better than Jack.

“No. I’ve been fine without you. I’ll manage.”

A look of hurt crossed Alex’s features, but was replaced with disbelief, “Seriously? You call this fine?”

“You can do whatever you set your mind to. I was just holding you down… I was selfish. You need to go live your life and find that perfect someone to be with. Promise me that.”

“B-But, you’re my perfect someone Jack!”

Jack smiled weakly and shook his head slowly, saying softly, “No, no I’m not.”

“I went north Jack. North led me here. You are my home.”

Jack didn’t reply. He couldn’t.

Alex sniffled and put one finger up, “One last kiss. Please Jack.”

He thought of it and nodded. He could do this. They needed to let go of each other. He could feel Alex’s lips on his, and Lord knows he missed this the most. He missed the taste, feeling, passion, everything about kissing Alex. He did his best to savor the moment and keep it locked away in one of the many crevices of his memory.

Alex pulled away and Jack was cold without the warmth provided by the elder. He could feel Alex’s gaze on him and finally looked up after a few minutes of silence.

“Are you sure about this?”

Jack nodded and watched painfully as Alex got up and slowly walked out, not glancing back once. As soon as that door shut, Jack was in hysterics.

‘Stupid, you let him get away!’

‘Don’t you see how you hurt him? It isn’t just about you!’

‘Jack, Jack, the selfish brat. Picked up the pieces and threw them right back.’

‘Kill yourself already. You only destroy. Why are you still here?’

Jack stopped everything he was doing and dissected that last voice. He never thought about that before, and he wasn’t going to. The irony. He reflexively went for a bottle of Jack and started chugging. He needed to feel nothing or else he was going to grab his phone and call Alex. He wasn’t going to that to him. Alex deserved better.

Two hours later and there were three broken bottles on the floor as Jack laughed hysterically. There were tears in his eyes. What was he laughing at? His reflection in the mirror. He looked like a mess, he felt like a mess. He took another gulp of Jack and started stumbling to the door; he wanted to go on a walk. He fixed his robe a bit, and shoved his feet in some slippers. He hadn’t been out in a while.

As he walked down the dark street, he noticed the stars and frowned. Alex loved the stars and the thought of him hurt Jack. So he continued walking and stopped once he saw a bar. He checked his robe pockets, finding $20. More drinks couldn’t hurt. Thank the world he had his phone.

~*~

Jack softly touched Alex’s cheeks, smiling wide, his eyes shining brighter than the sun. He could barely believe that he, the perfection in front of him, was finally and completely his. He had liked Alex for the longest of times and finally had mustered the courage to ask the elder out.

Jack touched his lips, remembering how their first kiss was, magical. Alex had soft lips, slightly chapped, but nonetheless wonderful. He touched his hair, remembering the way the elder’s hands got lost in it. They hadn’t even been together for a day, but Jack was so sure he was in love. And if not then, he surely would be. He clasped his hands together, realizing how wrong it felt because Alex’s felt better in his.

The said man woke up and smiled sleepily at Jack, who hadn’t noticed him yet. Jack was too busy staring at his hands curiously, wondering, how could someone else’s hands feel so perfect in his own? Alex moved closer to Jack and lightly kissed his neck, in a sweet, loving way. Jack smiled, looking down and kissing the elder’s forehead. And then they kissed. Just small, sweet, repetitive kisses, ranging from each others’ lips to the other’s fingertips. If that wasn’t love, then what is?

~*~

Alex paced worriedly as Rian tried to reassure him that everything was okay - that his Jack would be okay. He knew he shouldn’t have listened to Jack. He should’ve insisted on staying. If he did, they wouldn’t be there, four of them, one with wires stuck everywhere. Alex was at home - crying about Jack - when Rian called. The hospital called Rian and said that Jack was in the hospital, found passed out cold outside of a bar. Possible alcohol poisoning. Possible alcohol poisoning.

A doctor stepped out, smiling sadly, “You may see him now. He’s asleep, but stable.” Alex was the first one in, his heart stopping once he saw Jack. Jack was pale, bandage wrapped around his head with blood seeping through, and was connected to a few machines. Alex sat next to his bed, gripping his hand immediately as he cried.

“I shouldn’t have listened. This is all my fault.” He smiled weakly at Jack. His home was a wreck, no wonder he wasn’t happy much either. Tears rolled down his face as he gripped onto Jack’s hand tighter, whispering that it’ll be okay. But would it really? Alex's heart was broken and Jack was too. Jack. The thought had Alex sobbing as he hoped and prayed for his love's welfare.

Later when Jack woke up, Alex embraced him and repeated the words ‘I love you’ again and again. Jack did his best to repeat them, only managing a few croaky ones. They still acted like glue and slowly put Alex's heart together again.

Happy endings do exist.